[semi-closed] the master of my own disguise

[illicitly]

Who ⬤ Nie Huaisang and others
What ⬤ July/August Catch-All
When ⬤ All throughout July and August
Where ⬤ Various
Content Warnings ⬤ MDZS spoilers are a given. Casual discussion of kink of varying extremes and sex work, probably. Possible talk of war, violence, death, trauma, and mental illness. I'll update and include specific warnings in headers as they come up. Sex.



[If you'd like to thread, feel free to plot with me on my permanent plotting post or DM me through the game's Discord server or add me (Mimarin#7493). If neither of those options work for you, I also have a RP plurk at talespinner if you want to add me on there.]

Comments

[taintedpeony]

He loved having Juli around and it was good to have her safe with them but It was also nice to be alone with Nie Huaisang. They had so much they had not had the chance to discuss or move through. And they will have to keep communicating if their relationship was going to work.

With a soft sigh, he came into the main room from the kitchen, slipping into the covers of the futon, with two jars of wine in his hands. He was dressed in a loose t-shirt and some sleep shorts, taking the convenience of modern clothing while he was in the house. It still felt a little scandalous but he showed more skin at work and he no longer cared as much.

He plopped down against the pillows, crossing his legs as he sat.

"I figured we could both use this. It has been a month," he said smiling softly. "How are you feeling?"

[illicitly]

Nie Huaisang needs breaks whenever he can take them for certain.

He's been working constantly since he arrived here and his partner's one of the very people he's allowed to see him struggle to keep up with balancing business with pleasure. Technically, he could entrust more planning to others but one doesn't recover from a decade of deception, paranoia, and mistrust easily and certainly not during the span of a few months in a new place where he's had little time or space to focus on himself or working through his own issues.

He doesn't regret having Julieta around at all or though or the time he spends giving any of his other clients time and space to feel cared for, special, and completely removed from their worries. The work can and often does take a lot out of him, natural introvert that he is. When he's with them, his focus tends to be on their needs rather than his own.

Still, he's quick to curl up on the futon next to his partner, wearing nothing but a pair of silk boxers, snuggling close and just resting his head on his shoulder. He knows they still have a lot to discuss about this, such as sketching out and defining boundaries among other things. The blood rain and dark energy overtaking the city and taking care of Julieta put things on hold for a little bit.

"It's definitely nice to have a little time to relax. I still have work to do but it can wait a little bit. It has been a month."

[taintedpeony]

"Well, only wine and cuddles will be had now. Let us leave the rest of Tamamo business outside where it belongs. This is our home. Our space to just be ourselves, right?" he leaned over to give him a soft kiss against his hair, placing the wine down in front of him.

"Mhmm your hair smells nice did you put in that new shampoo?" he smiled softly at his partner. Goodness, he was so soft and beautiful.

This was such a new space for them to occupy and so many questions lay between them. But they will try to make things through together.

[illicitly]

The soft words and tenderness still have an effect on him after all these years. It'd certainly helped fuel his hatred and bitterness even more during his long, dark trek to justice. He probably would have taken Jin Guangyao down much sooner if he hadn't also somehow been the one person he could always count on to be there when he needed help. Shoving aside and ignoring those feelings hadn't been nearly as efficient as a longterm, coping mechanism as he'd wanted it to be back then.

At the moment though, Nie Huaisang's content to just rest and be content, allowing those dark shadows to remain at a safe distance for now and not think too hard about anything.

"I did. It's really nice, well worth the cost even if it was a little bit expensive. My hair hasn't been this soft or had this nice of a scent in a long time. I picked up some new lotions, too. I don't know if you saw them in the bathroom."

He speaks in soft, youthful tones, more like how he used to sound when he was younger instead of the timid, frazzled adult he's been on the surface for a while. After a moment, he adds:

"Do you think the beauty spas will be open for business again soon? I was thinking that it might be nice to use those vouchers on our next days off."

[taintedpeony]

"I did, they all smell lovely A-Sang. I can't wait to try them. I think with our bonus, we can perhaps buy some of that nice silk. I want to embroider something for you." this was a nice life, talking about beauty products and clothing.

"I was assisting in cleaning the bathhouses, I hope they open soon too a spa day sounds wonderful. Doesn't it? I feel like I would probably just doze there. But I think we may need it. let us do it. We also have drink coupons." he laughs softly.

"Not a bad amount of free vouchers for shaking our asses on stage for a few minutes." he pressed his forehead against the other's, playfully.

"Though I'd give you coupons for that cute butt of yours." look he was being playful and forward now.

[illicitly]

Nie Huaisang chuckles, too, smiling as he nestles in closer. Now that the outcome of the turf war is firmly in the hands of Tenkohime and her negotiators, he can finally focus on other aspects of living. It finally feels like he's settling in.

"It's fun work. Da-ge would never approve of it but he's not here to yell at me about it, either."

He's firmly not thinking about what might happen if his older brother somehow made his way here, even if after reconnecting with Wei Wuxian in his original body, the possibility of meeting him here as himself again one day has managed to kindle a tiny candle flame of hope in the back of his mind. And he's certainly not thinking about Lan Xichen showing up either.

"I want to learn how to do more. More sewing and designing and getting better at music and dancing, too. I've been getting great reviews from my clients but I wonder how high I can climb in this profession if I learn and apply myself more."

Admittedly, it is a bit of an ulterior motive for the school he's organizing and planning out. If the Tamamo Clan can train more tacticians, Nie Huaisang might not need to devote so much of his time and energy to that particular job. Contrary to what some might believe back home, he doesn't gain any particular joy out of playing with people's lives or maneuvering them around as game pieces. It just happens to be an area he's skilled at.

"But before anything else, I want a spa day and I promised Lady Musashi we'd go out for drinks after the storm ended. She needs some time off, too. Tenkohime gave me so many drink vouchers. I was thinking of maybe hosting a drinking party with them. Maybe I could find more clients if I do."

[taintedpeony]

"If you want I can teach you all of those things."

The mention of Nie Mingjue's disapproval sent a flare of white-hot anger through him. How long had he lived worrying about what that man would think of him, how Love did his lover suffer underneath that self-righteous asshole as well?

His voice was soft but cold.

"Who cares about what he thinks? If he ever did show his face I will hold a mirror to him so he can have a good long look at himself first. I refuse to be scared of him ever again. You deserve to have a good time and enjoy your work."

Nie Mingjue he could afford to think about. He should have never done the sworn brotherhood with him. Thier philosophies on life were just too different and as much as he wanted to repair the friendship it was never to be. Because at his core Nie Mingjue did not respect him as a person. It hurt to think about, but it was true. At the end of it, Lan Xichen was the same too. Both men had so much of an impact on his life but took so much from him, ripping him into two until he was this husk of a man.

He allowed so many that he had loved to just take and take from him.

He sighed softly and leaned against him.

"I think that is a good idea. but focus on resting for now."

[illicitly]

The subject of Nie Mingjue is certainly a touchy one for both of them. How could it not be when his brother was at the center of so much conflict between them? It's not that he still holds a grudge over what happened; he's been sincere in his stance about putting the past behind them. However, the love and loyalty for his brother that drove him to take on so much alone are still very much real. Regardless of how their relationship changes or develops now, he's always going to be Nie Mingjue's little brother.

"I care," he says quietly, tone serious and subdued. "Da-ge and I will always be bound by flesh and blood. I'll always have an obligation to honor him and our ancestors in some degree. It's not something that I can just turn off or pretend doesn't exist."

His tone isn't confrontational or angry, simply resigned and matter-of-fact. It's just something that is and always will be. He wouldn't be Nie Huaisang without that deep, unshakable loyalty toward his ancestors and family.

"I know he wasn't perfect. Sometimes he was pretty awful, especially to us both. But In spite of that, he's still my brother. I can't help but want him to accept and be proud of me even if deep down, I know it'll never happen."

Even if Nie Mingjue were to miraculously arrive here like Wei Wuxian and Jin Guangyao did, he doubts his brother would understand him any more than he dd back then or approve of the lifestyle he's chosen for himself. Nie Mingjue is too traditional, too rigid, too judgmental, and too stuck in his own perspective to fully understand or respect ideals and philosophies like theirs. Nie Huaisang loves him but his brother had some pretty deep flaws.

[taintedpeony]

"I understand your perspective. I do. I have also been bound to my filial loyalties to a man who didn't deserve it."His own father caused him so much pain. "If I didn't meet Zixuan-ge in Hakage Machi I would have perhaps wanted to burn everything down. A Jin is a Jin at the end of it and I chose to live for my brother and nephew."

He took a soft breath and let it go slowly. Nie Mingjue was a large shadow lurking between them. It was time, to be honest.

"I loved him, you know? I loved him so deeply. He was the first person who looked at me and saw me as a person who was worthy despite where I came from. There was a time I looked at him at the peak of what a cultivator was supposed to be. Fair and measured, someone who looked after the common folk. I loved him for that. I would have died for him back then. I would have stayed by him.

But he always had a nasty habit of walking in on private conversations and making decisions for me. When I worked for him, Lan Xichen asked me if I ever wanted to go to my father. I said I did but that I owed your brother so much. I already knew the difference between being with the Nie and being with the Jins would be... He walked in shoved a recommendation letter and told me to go to him instead. It was supposed to be a soft no. A polite refusal. Your brother overheard and just decided what was best for me without actually asking me. How could I say no? To throw such a gift in the face of someone of much higher status?

I had found a place I was happy. And he threw me away. He just thought he knew what was best like he always does and decided that was that." his voice cracked a little bit at that.

"I loved him so much and tried so hard. He saw me kill my commander, after working for months under his cruelty, sent to the frontlines who hoped I would die and had given an impossible task. He decided the only honorable thing for me to do was to die, to go beg forgiveness from my father for 'justice'. We both know what justice means for me. It always only meant death. He just always wanted death from me, like an angry ghost. He never stopped since that day.

Even after I won the war, and saved his life. I loved him. I loved him so much and he kept trying to kill me, over and over." he wasn't crying. It wasn't something that still hurt him.

"I tried everything to fix things. I really did. I told Lan Xichen and all he did was make excuses for him. He never acted unless Da-ge was running to kill me. When he kicked me down the stairs after I told him why we were different and how I could not be as privileged as him and how I had to do what I did to survive, he called me the son of a whore. He knew my history and still did it.

That was when I knew. I knew that no matter how much I loved him, how hard I work all he wanted was for me to die. that his illness was past the point of no return. The Nie Mingjue I met at Hejian would have never said such a thing. He would have never laughed cruelly as you almost immolated yourself. He never would have said the thing he said to you.

I loved him but I really hate him too. I am so tired of being defined by him, that ghost who never stopped chasing after me. I finally just let him. I refused to allow myself to be afraid of him again.

Huaisang, did you know why I had to cut him up?"

cw: social inequality/political themes, mention of dismemberment

[illicitly]

It's a hard talk but a necessary one and Nie Huaisang knows it. He's been skirting around it for months, just trying to focus on the more positive aspects of being together again and staying mindful of clan harmony to keep them both co-existing peacefully within it. So it's better to keep talking this out and process it properly. That means really listening to Jin Guangyao's words and respecting his point of view even if at some points during his speech, it's still a little difficult.

"I know your experience with Da-Ge was different from mine. You usually saw a different side of him than I did. But I know he was hard-headed. Close-minded. Stubborn. Rigid. He was always so strong. Good with the saber. Wise and capable as a leader, usually but... he didn't understand what it was like to be weak. To struggle under pressure or not be able to do things the way he did them or thought they should be done. There was a lot he didn't understand and a lot about life and those around him that he simply took for granted. He was the eldest, the heir, the sect leader. That's just the way the world works for those who are raised within it."

His voice is still soft and calm, still matter-of-fact.

"Everyone has their place and their role in society. The juniors are supposed to respect their seniors but they're under no obligation to reciprocate in kind. I'm not saying that it's right. I think it's pretty unfair and not very realistic but it's the way we're raised. It's how we're taught the way the world works. We're told this is the natural order of things. I'm not defending or condoning Da-ge's treatment of you, just explaining my own perspective on the situation."

It's hard to talk about this, so hard, and there's a slight tremor running through his body as he continues speaking. There's no anger or hate in his tone anymore, just a deep bewildered hurt and sadness.

"You cut him up because he was a fierce corpse, full of resentment toward you. But he wouldn't have been a fierce corpse if you hadn't murdered him. I loved you both more than anyone and you killed him. And that, in turn, killed me."

[taintedpeony]

"I know where he was coming from and how much he carried on him. I know that he carried on his shoulders not only himself but the lives of you and your clan. But he always acted that I could do as he did. That righteousness is afforded to people like us. Don't you think I wish I could have been like him or Lan Xichen?"

His voice was soft. He knew this was something they needed to talk about. And it was best they were having it now.

"I'm afraid that even if I had not killed him, his resentment towards me would have made him come after me regardless. I cut him up because he kept coming after me. Over and over, until all, I could be to subdue his parts. I know.

I know I killed you too. I lied to myself that you would be safer, that I would have been able to help you through your growing pains as sect leader. I lie to myself about a lot of things. It makes the hard things more bareable." he took a breath in and let it go.

"I was scared. I was so scared of him and I know if I did not kill him, he would have killed one of us in his rage. It was more likely to be me, but after the fan burning I could not rule you out either. I know it is no excuse. I know I hurt you so much.

I hate our world. How is it that I feel like I can live with more respect and dignity here in diyu than I ever did in life?

I do have to ask you something Huaisang."

cw: allusions to mental/emotional abuse

[illicitly]

Nie Huaisang understands how the other man feels and somehow it just makes the truth hurt more. How often over the years had he thought similarly? Always wishing he could be stronger like his brother or smarter and more talented like his friends? How many times in their youth had he overheard Jiang Cheng complain about not being able to compare with Wei Wuxian when his scores were still always so much higher than his own? How many years had he gone thinking there was something wrong with him because he couldn't do anything as well as anyone else? He'd tried so hard to do everything the way his brother and seniors thought he should only to fail over and over again.

He even understands the fear. The day his brother had finally followed through on his threats to destroy his beloved art collection he'd been building over years. They hadn't been just material things to him; their meaning had run so much deeper than that. They'd been symbolic that there was nothing wrong with him, that he was worth something. That there was someone out there that cared for and valued him just the way he was and didn't expect him to be anything other than himself.

His eyes begin to water as he remembers the flames from that day, his tearful pleas for Nie Mingjue to stop, his desperate lunge into the bonfire to save something, anything. He'd felt like the very core of his being was burning along with those precious gifts. That Nie Huaisang's own soul was being destroyed and reduced to ash by his brother's hand. He'd hated his brother that day, too, and all through the months of conflict that followed, Nie Mingjue unwilling to bend and his little brother frantically trying his best to survive the personal hell he saw his life becoming.

While his mind races and his own long, repressed anger and resentment toward Nie Mingjue bubbles to the surface, he lays there very still and quiet, just trying to process it all. AFter a while, he asks softly:

"What is it?"

[taintedpeony]

He reached out and took his hands in his own. He knew what it was like to have to hold things back for a lifetime. This was painful and it needed to be done. To lance a festering wound to allow the bad things out so they could heal properly. This was hard but he wanted him to know that he was not doing anywhere.

He was scared of the answer but he had to ask it.

"I am going to bring my mother back into a place that is kinder.

I have to know. Where is her body?" his voice cracked, he knew what could have been done to her, but he needed that confirmation.

Peaches N' Cream (cw: smut)

[taintedpeony]

Jin Guangyao decided he was tired of dancing around this issue. It has already been six months. And they have been dancing around wanting to be intimate together. He left a painting for him with instructions that could not be misconstrued.

He booked the largest room he could with a spa ensuite. He was well prepared as well, dressed only in a see-through underrobe and his hair tied up in a ponytail with the silver guan that Nie Huaisang had first given him. His first gift in his life, he knew it was something that used to belong to Huaisang and it felt right wearing it for this. He had also prepared himself to be penetrated and wore a heavy plug with a dangling jewel on the end. He wanted to be beautiful for him.

He had already ordered some of Huaisang's favorite wines and food to be served on a low table.

Though at the same time anxiety ran low in his belly. What if he didn't want him? What if he decided that Jin Guangyao was too dirty to touch to want after all.

All he could do was wait, startled when he heard a knock.

"Come in."

[illicitly]

It wasn't that Nie Huaisang hasn't wanted to. It's crossed his mind more than once, given his profession and their close proximity. And well, in his younger years back before everything went wrong, it'd been on his mind on a near constant basis. However, a lot had happened since those days and they've been slowly sorting things out between them. Not to mention they've both been busy with all the work they've been doing for the clan. For the first time in his life, Nie Huaisang actually has a career he enjoys and he's willing to dedicate himself to. Personal romances simply haven't been his top priority, regardless of whatever confusion or lingering feelings he might have.

Still, he agreed to this and he certainly wants to try. Nie Huaisang is new at juggling work and relationships but maybe he'll get used to it if he just keeps practicing. So when he found his new partner's note, he decided to put his school planning on hold for a bit and try to focus on just him tonight. After all, at this point, it's become clear to him that there are always going to be work projects demanding his time and energy, and quitting simply isn't an option when he's under contract.

He's a little nervous, too, swallowing hard as he enters the hotel room. Is what he's able to give going to be enough? It's always a question in his mind.

"A-Yao?" he calls out softly upon entering, looking around the room and taking note of his favorites on the table and how lovely the room is. He doesn't see Jin Guangyao right away, distracted by everything else at the moment as he's prone to be these days.

[taintedpeony]

Jin Guangyao's heart fluttered to his throat as he heard that familiar soft voice. This was really going to be something huh? He hoped he was ready for this, sex was still something so intimate for him.

However he really wanted him, and to know that he was wanted as well. A step in the right direction and hopefully some time to heal that pit of self-hatred that usually followed him.

He walked out to the sitting area, nervously pressing his hair over his shoulder. His see-through robes really did not hide much at all. His cheeks were colored a deep pink. He leaned up and kissed his lover softly. His silver guan shone in the low light.

"Welcome," he said shyly. feeling very much like an awkward teen.

"Did you want to eat first or...er... I am happy you are here."

[illicitly]

It helps put him at ease to see Jin Guangyao just as awkward about this as he feels. Of course, Nie Huaisang wants him. What happened between them at the bonfire never would've happened if he didn't. The timing of it is just a little odd considering their rather heavy discussion about his brother recently and starting on this new project. However, the world keeps turning and Nie Huaisang doesn't want his life to be completely defined by his role in the clan so he's just going to have to figure out how to make it work. Somehow.

"Thank you," he replies feeling just as awkward as he always does in these situations when he isn't playing out a part in someone's fantasy. "Some food first sounds good. You went through all this trouble for me; I'd hate to see it go to waste."

Maybe it's to give himself a little time, too, to readjust his mindset a little. Switching between business and pleasure doesn't come nearly as easily to him as it seems to for others. And well, he's never been one to rush into anything. Even if they have known each other for a very long time, the changes in their relationship are still very new to him, at least in comparison. He does sneak a look at Jin Guangyao in that sheer robe, face warming a little at the sight.

"You look very beautiful tonight, A-Yao."

Very ready for sex. The note the other man had left for him hadn't exactly been subtle.

[taintedpeony]

It was the timing. Blood rain right after the bonfire and that heavy conversation. It needed to be said but it did not negate how much he loved him. They both had responsibilities, of course. But they were allowed a night to themselves as well. They earned it after everything.

"Of course. It was no trouble at all." he led them to the small table and sat down on his feet, accidentally shifting the plug, causing a deep brush and all of his tails to jut out at once. Well, that was something. He was going to try and act normal now.

"Here please allow me to serve you." he began to make a bowl, piling the most tender meats on top of it.

"T-Thank you. You look beautiful too."

He was tired of being subtle. They hid themselves underneath layers and layers. It was nice to be direct for once. To want something for the sake of wanting it. Because he wanted it, not to pander or cajole or curry. But because he, Jin Guangyao, Meng Yao, wanted someone.

His gaze paused at Huaisang's lips and wondered how those sweet lips would feel against the nape of his neck. He shook his head and tried to focus on the food.

"Did you want me to feed you?"

[illicitly]

"Do you want to?"

The response comes out automatically, partly out of habit. When he's with his clients, he routinely asks this to get a sense of what the other person is looking for from him. No one approaches him like this without some sort of deep need that's gone unsatisfied up until this point. For Jin Guangyao to be so intent on this all of a sudden, well, it's a little surprising.

"I'll never say no to it. I like it when you feed me and take care of me. It helps me relax."

And honestly, he probably does need to relax. The familiar guilt and anxiety over not doing as much as he can or doing what he shouldn't be is starting to set in a little bit again. He's been working as hard and quickly as he can on organizing the school for Tenkohime but it's just not a quick or easy task to accomplish just like that. Every single one of these plans take careful thought and consideration before they can be executed.

"You seem like you could use a little unwinding, too, A-Yao."

[taintedpeony]

"I do." He knelt down in front of him.

"Taking care of you makes me relax too. I think I just like soothing." He picked up some food with his chopsticks and held it out for him to eat.

"I think so. I've been a bit high-strung lately with everything happening. Trying to help out new recruits and work. I'm not sure I really know how to unwind though..." he admitted.

"You were always better at that than me."

[illicitly]

"Sometimes I forget about that. It seems like such a long time ago."

And honestly, it was. It's been a long time since Nie Huaisang's been that carefree boy breezing through life and even then, he was never as carefree as he seemed to be on the surface. Between his failing grades in school, his inability to meet his brother's expectations with his saber, and the unwanted inheritance looming before him like a prison sentence, he'd always been more troubled than he'd let on to most.

"It has been a lot to deal with. I don't know how we're supposed to have lives outside working for the clan but maybe it's easier for the younger ones to manage."

He sighs as he sits down and takes a bite of the food. Soothing is definitely what he needs at least until he gets better at asking for help.

[taintedpeony]

“It feels like a lifetime ago.” In a way it was. Sixteen years was a long time.
“ however, at the same time it feels timeless. Fussing after you feels timeless.”

He picked a piece of tender meat, and fed him.

“Also this way I know you are eating. You picked up some bad habits over the last ten years.” He stated softly. “I did too and am trying to unlearn them if you can make certain I sleep, I’ll make sure you eat.”

“‘after we set in the systems in place we can take a step back, The watchtowers took me five years of constant work. The school will take a bit in the beginning, but will be easier as we go.” He ate a bit himself as he spoke.

“‘you are doing well but we deserve a break tonight, perhaps tomorrow as well. We need to rest so we can work well later.”

[illicitly]

After Nie Huaisang finishes chewing, he nods, fatigue showing clearly on his face. No matter how skilled he might be, strategic work isn't easy, especially the kind with the potential to alter the direction of the clan moving forward into the future. Then again, maybe it's this understanding that makes him good at helping to plan out the project.

"You're right. Once the systems are in place, I hope to take a step back from all of this. Ideally, those underneath us will have all the skills and develop the wisdom needed to move forward on their own as one unit."

Nie Huaisang's tired and doesn't want to work but that's not exactly anything new. It's hard to stay focused and motivated to keep going with his project when all he wants out of life is a comfortable, beautiful home and someone who understands and appreciates him to share it with. And he can't have that anywhere but here now.

"Right now, I just want to focus on you. Your note was very persuasive and you also deserve my attention. As undivided as I can manage."

It's just the kind of lover he is.

[taintedpeony]

"That is the plan I think we have some good youngblood who can take over. I would be happy to just retire and teach. We'll get there. It takes time and at least you don't have to convince sect leader Yao how this is beneficial to all and have to hear him run his mouth." he laughs softly.

Jin Guangyao blushes deeply.

"Truth be told, I'm not certain how to feel with someone's attention on me in that way. It has been a very long time. And I feel a bit flustered? I...I've never really done this with a man before, though I have long thought about it.

Did you find my note to be persuasive? I felt a bit silly making it."

[illicitly]

"It was very cute."

Nie Huaisang smiles, taking in that blush. It's certainly a charming side to the man, one he's very grateful to be in a position to see. He's always been drawn to him from the moment they first met. And if he's honest with himself, he probably wouldn't have been nearly so bitter when it all went sour if the attraction hadn't been quite so strong.

"Really? You haven't? Have you only been with women so far?"

As for himself, Nie Huaisang's been with men, women, and even had a few interesting experiences with some youkai where he wasn't quite sure were either. Sexwork is never boring and he's had the opportunity to meet quite a few memorable clients.