jigokulogs | [semi-closed] the master of my own disguise

There are certain parts of him that have never seen sunlight, for sure. What Nie Huaisang lacks in muscles, he makes up for by being pleasantly round and soft. His clients seem to enjoy his physique well enough and it pleases him to see his lover react with equal enthusiasm.

"Mmm, that feels very good. Has anyone ever told you that you're very sexy like this? I feel like you're gonna eat me right up and enjoy every moment of it."

Since becoming a courtesan, Nie Huaisang's learned quite a bit about himself, mainly that he's developing new kinks he'd never really considered before. He reaches down to pet those vulpine ears, marveling at the soft fur and trailing fingertips where it blends into Jin Guangyao's hair.

"You were attractive before but these features suit you very well, indeed. They enhance your looks even more."

His lover was the most beautiful man indeed. His eyes moved over him drinking him in. The sharp intellect, combined with the softness of him. He loved this man so much.

Though at the compliment, he blushed deeply. His ears twitched under his touch. The subtle motion making his tails wag in happiness despite himself. He didn’t quite think about them too much these days they were as much a part of him as they were Koemi’s. "Do you really think so?”

He felt the warmth pooling in the bottom of his belly. His body was already reacting. His eyes fell on his face as he licked a trail against his chest. He stopped to suckle at a pert nipple.

His breath catches and he starts to pet those ears more fervently. They feel so soft and warm to the touch; whatever products Jin Guangyao uses are working wonderfully. One hand slides down to tangle in the other man's hair which is just as soft. He truly is the best of two worlds, both ruthless and loving and the sight of those wagging tails truly entrance him. How else might he touch him to provoke such charming reactions? What a fascinating prospect.

"I think you look magnificent, A-Yao. Beautiful and powerful. It's hard to focus on anyone but you when you're like this."

Jin Guangyao crawled up, leaving a wet mark against his nipple to catch those delicate sweet lips in a heated kiss. Hearing those words and that sweet voice just made his blood burn hot. He wanted to spend all night pleasuring this sweet man. When he broke away he whispered.

"You're the one who is beautiful, my heart." He looked at him warmly. Taking his hand in his own he kissed his fingers one at a time.

"I want to drink you up," he stated before moving back down. Kissing along the way. "Would you let me taste you?"

It's so strange how they got to this point but can anyone truly predict how a situation like this will go until it happens to them? Nie Huaisang returns the kiss with equal passion and a yearning denied for far too many years. When Jin Guangyao says he's beautiful and acts like he's the most precious treasure in the world, he desperately wants to believe it. That the world they left behind was always wrong about him and he is good enough for something, for someone.

"Please. I want you to. Touch me everywhere and anywhere. Just don't stop."

Edited 2022-07-29 02:46 (UTC)

It was odd to be certain, just to love and allow himself to be loved like this. His fingers moved to caress his inner thigh. Starting at the base he began to lick up the shaft of Nie Huaisang's cock. He was glad he had some practice with this with Julietta's toy. He would need to be very aware of his fangs.

His tongue danced over the head of his arousal, swirling along the tip, before moving down to suck it properly. His eyes darted up to look at his face.

The tip's already starting to leak a little, his brow furrowing as he focuses on that gentle caress along his inner thigh. His face flushes as he meets Jin Guangyao's gaze.

He almost can't believe they're doing this now after everything they've done to each other in the past ten years but at the same time, he doesn't want to stop. He wants to keep going down this weird path he's found himself on with Jin Guangyao and see where it leads.

"That feels good. Really good," he mumbles, hips arching forward despite himself.

He could not help but catch some on his tongue, swirling over it before taking all of him in. He was amazed at how very much he wanted this. Despite everything, all the murder and betrayal between them. This was Huaisang. The sweet boy who would run up and ask for presents. He couldn’t help himself he would always want to help him, pet him and soothe him. He took all of him to the base. Following his cheeks out and sucking gently. At the sound of his voice he moved faster his fingers trailing over his testicles.

His free hand squeezed at a plump cheek.

He closed his eyes and fell into the rhythm.

He tries to keep his mind clear, trying to push aside the anxiety of what his ancestors would think of him now. What his brother would think. He needs this, too. He wants to enjoy it and relax and not think about how messy and complicated everything about their relationship is now.

His fingers tremble as they comb through Jin Guangyao's hair. Even allowing him this many liberties with him now is a lot. And the other man's mouth feels good on his cock, pleasurable and satisfying in a way sex with his clients usually doesn't.

"I love you," he murmurs, sounding confused and almost pained by the admission. It almost feels like gravity has abandoned him, leaving him feeling unstable in a way he hasn't since he'd held Jin Guangyao's bloody hat in his hands after the final confrontation at the temple.

They were complicated. Thier bond was forged in blood and fire, they had hurt one another and their families beyond repair. Did this feel like a betrayal to Qin Su? It did. But was there a point in dwelling on that?

This was for them. Not Da-ge, not A-Su. But for them to work through and try to heal what was broken.

At the sound of the anxiety in his voice, he stopped. He pulled off with a soft pop and a final lick on the head. He regarded him gently. He was shifting up to come face to face with him. He pressed his lips against the other man's temple.

"I love you too. Let me know if anything feels too overwhelming." his voice was soft and serious. His fingers brushed through his hair gently. His hands moved over his body, gently caressing him. He wanted to him to know that he was in control of what happened tonight, that if it was too much they could pause or stop.

He lifted Huaisang's hands to his lips and kissed them, one knuckle at a time.

No matter what feelings exist between them in the present, the dark history between them is a painful reality from which neither of them can truly escape. Just because they're the only ones from their world now doesn't mean it'll always be that way. Before he'd disappeared, Wei Wuxian had made an inquiry into their relationship, seeking an answer he hadn't been prepared or able to give. The possibility that others from their world with similar questions might show up among future Lost Souls and do the same is one that's impossible for him to ignore.

Even so, the gentle ministrations are soothing his nerves again and he finds himself relaxing a little once more. Surely, this must be frustrating for Jin Guangyao after setting this all up, making it clear from the start that he was ready and eager to take things to the next level. And Nie Huaisang is trying his best but as with many things throughout his life, it doesn't seem to be enough.

"I'm sorry, A-Yao, I don't know if I can go through with this. I want to. There's never been anyone else for me like you. I don't think there ever will be again but I can't just forget. It's always there like a shadow in my mind and it never leaves."

His own frustration with himself is clearly evident in his voice. Why can't he just let things go? Even when logically and rationally he knows it's pointless to keep clinging to it? Even when all it's done throughout his adult life is simply make him fretful and miserable? It's stupid. He knows it's stupid yet he can't stop.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Then he starts to cry, disgusted with himself.

“We don’t have to. It’s alright Huaisang. I do not want anything that you are not ready to give.” His voice was soft, soothing. His lips pressed against his temple once more.

He supposed it made sense, one cannot go through the bloody history they had shared without some wounds. The rejection stung a little but it wasn’t about him and he knew it. He had to take a breath and remind himself it wasn’t because he saw him as dirty.

The important thing was to make sure that Huaisang was okay.

“‘it’s okay, let it out. You must have held it in for so long. You don’t have to be sorry. You’re perfect as you are. Sex is intimate and this is a lot. I have no expectations other than to make sure you are well. Do you want me to hold you? Maybe verbalizing what is coming up will help. We can work though the feelings at least.”

He's not okay.

He hasn't been okay since... Honestly, has he ever been okay? Truly? Has there ever been a time Nie Huaisang didn't keep secrets from the people around him? And the only people he'd had to turn to had been the fairweather friend who hadn't been nearly as good at concealing his impatience for Nie Huaisang's struggles as he'd thought and the man who'd murdered his brother.

He certainly hasn't been okay since the day he'd witnessed the Daitengu's "assassination" and seen a frightening glimpse of his own future if he didn't change. The faction leader's return from the dead might've been a relief but it hadn't erased the trauma that had been brought back to the surface or the effects it continued to have on his life.

Nie Huaisang hears the words but he can't even form words. Instead, he just keeps clinging to Jin Guangyao and crying silently into his shoulder. He might need a moment to gather himself before he can speak.

Edited 2022-08-16 20:47 (UTC)

In all truth Jin Guangyao wan not quite okay either.

But he put on a lovely veneer of being fine most of the time. It was easy to put all of his issues in separate boxes, labeled, and filed. To be casually examined later. ~~He did that with Nie Mingjue's head too didn't he? He loved him, He hated him.~~ Neat little boxes that held horrors inside. Perfectly shelved, perfectly organized. Some he did not even dare to poke at. Lan Xichen. How could you? Push that one back into the dark corners of his mind.

He didn't really know what box Nie Huaisang fell into. It was as messy as the other boxes he fit his loved ones into. Brother/Killer Friend/Enemy. Sister/Wife. Son/Nephew. There were so few people he was allowed to love in an uncomplicated manner. And so few who could love him in the same way.

Did he even deserve that?

Today he was trying to push past his own issues with intimacy and sex. He did not want to be defined by his trauma. But every time he gets on stage and dances the steps his mother did he is reminded of it. When he pushed himself to serve clients, he broke. And all he does was try to please others. To be everything for everyone.

Where is he in that? Who is he now? A man who had a mutable identity who is now merged with a Yao? Did he know? Where did he end and Koemi begin?

Outwardly he stayed quiet and ran his fingers through Huaisang's hair, allowing him to sob into his shoulder. He made soft soothing noises as well, circling an arm around his back.

He knows it's hard for Jin Guangyao, too. That meeting him here and being in the same clan can't be any easier in a practical sense. That Nie Huaisang's presence in his life at this stage must be complicated for him, too. He took everything from him; he ruined the man's life. Yet Jin Guangyao is still here, letting him cry and soothing his nerves the same way he always did. He still shows him empathy, love, and affection after everything.

"I don't understand why you want me now. Why you care for me after everything I did. I hurt you. I betrayed you. But you're still here. Is it because I'm familiar? Because I'm here? I don't understand."

He's ruining this romantic evening, one that was clearly meant to be special and set them on a better, happier path but it's not in him to turn a blind eye to the reality before him, no matter how he feels anymore.

"I'm not him. I'll never be him."

Which him is he talking about? Lan Xichen or Nie Mingjue? Not even he knows at this point.

“You did.

It’s not because you are familiar. Or because you are here.” He took a deep breath and let it go. Trying to gather his thoughts. The dam he had built around Lan Xichen and Nie Mingjue began to break bit by bit. Tears began to form in his large gold eyes.

“I know you are not him. I want you because you are not. I just. I get it. How it was for you. And I think you see me. Were the only one who ever saw me. Both of them only saw what they wanted to see. A villain or a bodhisattva, nothing in between. Even telling them fell on deaf ears. I was a mirror to them. Be righteous A Yao, Be good. You're evil Meng Yao. You deserve to die. I just… Even in the end, Lan Xichen’s betrayal hurt more. I know why you did what you had to do. I had given you no choice. But...” he pressed a hand over the ugly scar Shouyue left.

“I don’t understand, it still hurts so much. I think I hate him and love him, and it’s the same for Da-ge. I twisted myself to pieces for them, built his home perfect for them, and saved their lives but they wanted me to die, at the end of it. After years of just not listening.” The tears were fully streaming down his face.

“I understand your grief and rage. I understand filial loyalty. I’m here because I know what it is like. To hate so much that you want to raze it all down in a great fire. I have felt that before. Let that madness take over me when I sent those women to their death.

But I was never like them. My sworn brothers.

You are like me. I want you for who you are. Perceptive, sweet, talented man. The one who sees me. I am ugly and broken. I am a bastard whoreson who killed his own father. But you know and you see. I don’t have to hide, like I did with Da-ge, with Lan Xichen, with A-Su.

I’m just tired of pretending.”

Edited 2022-08-17 02:22 (UTC)

Those words are comforting, even if the tears make him feel a little guilty for making him cry, too. it makes sense to him. Nie Huaisang can follow the logic, he thinks. He understands all too well to understand the appeal of not having to pretend to be someone else or conform to another's expectations, especially when the mold they want simply doesn't fit. And it helps to hear that Jin Guangyao understands the madness grief and rage can bring.

They really are the same now, aren't they?

After a moment, Nie Huaisang brushes away those tears and starts spreading soft kisses down their tracks. In between, he continues to speak quietly, trying to be honest, trying to let it all out.

"i'm scared. I'm scared my ancestors will never forgive me. That Da-ge won't. If I'm with you after everything that happened. Loving you hurts, it's always hurt. At first, it was because Da-ge would never approve and you never saw me. Then it was because it felt like I was betraying my brother. My clan. And now I'm betraying them again."

Maybe if he just says it out loud, he can let it go. Acknowledge that it's real and finally start to move on. He'd made up his mind already. He'd made a choice and he doesn't intend to go back on it but it's still hard for him to process and accept.

"I'm a terrible sect leader. My first taste of freedom and I fall to temptation so easily. They'd all be ashamed of me for shirking my duties."

He nods slowly allowing him to kiss and wipe the tears away. His fingers find his hair and press through it gently. He's quiet as he listens.

"I understand. I do. I'm scared too. I don't know if Qin Su will forgive me. Or if she'll hate me even more. It's only been ten months, since. And Here I am in bed again. How could I have been a good husband to her?" His throat clenched a bit but he continued.

"I don't think love should hurt. Though every example I have seen in my life seems to have hurt people. I think the only people I've seen happy are Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji. I don't want to hurt you more than I did already.

I don't think you are. Your duty is to survive. We aren't there. What can you do for your sect aside from surviving? How are you shirking your duties when you are working to the bone to fulfill a contract to alleviate your family's curse? So that Da-ge will be the last to go as he did?

If anything you're working too hard. I worry about your health." his fingers moved over his shoulders gently working out some tension.

"No matter what you do, you'll always be less of a shame than me, so there's that." this was an attempt at a joke.

The attempted joke does make him crack a bit of a wry smile. He does start to relax a little underneath that gentle touch, leaning into it as he lets his eyes drift closed. He's still getting used to people actually recognizing and appreciating how hard he works after a lifetime of never measuring up. His struggles with anxiety are so often forgotten or dismissed as unimportant and few ever see just how tense he always is when he allows the mask to fall or he isn't wearing loose or distracting clothing or diverting the eye with fancy accessories.

"I don't think it should either. I think it should be simple. Pure. Uncomplicated. It shouldn't feel like a weight or a burden or an expectation that has to be reached in order to enjoy it. Yet I find that in reality, it's often all of those things. Love is never simply love. There's always some sort of string attached and it can feel like a chain."

Maybe it'll sting for Jin Guangyao to hear. Maybe it's not the best time to share his somewhat cynical and pragmatic view of love but if this has any chance of working out between them, they need to talk about this.

"I don't know. Maybe I'm just over-sensitive. Maybe I'm not ready to take on that kind of relationship after all. I care about you. You mean a lot to me. Everything you've done and continue to do for me means something. It has value. But I don't want to hurt you anymore. I don't know what I'm doing with this. Any of this. I haven't been myself in years, A-Yao, and I don't think I've ever been just myself."

“That is always what it has been in reality. My heart yearns for the sweet uncomplicated love they write about in stories, but I understand the metaphor. All of my relationships had a chain attached something I had to be to even be worthy of it. Or the reality of what cannot be.” He took a breath and let it out slowly. His fingers petting him gently.

It was good to try and parse it out. Even if his relationship to Qin Su was not sexual he loved her dearly. He loved a few people so much and they had certain expectations of him.

"I had already said I refuse to cage you, Huaisang. If you need time to learn to be yourself, that is fine, if you think we are better as friends, that is okay too. We are both learning here. This is new territory in a place where we can learn to be ourselves. When we had to pretend our whole lives.

I love you Nie Huaisang, I always have. Because of this I want what is best for you. No matter what that may look like.” He pressed his lips against his cheek with a soft peck.

“No one else but us can define this. Though I am still going to get this room for the weekend and make you rest, even if we just lay, do face masks and watch daytime soap operas.”

How does Jin Guangyao always know how to handle him? Just what he needs in order to put him more at ease? It'd been half the reason he'd gone about things the way he did. Nie Huaisang knew himself well to know he would've crumbled during a direct confrontation before his revenge was complete.

"Resting would be good. Just spending time together alone. I don't know if we'd be better as friends. I don't know if I even know how to look at you that way now. All I've been able to think about is you when it comes to love. Even when I look at someone else, my mind always wanders back to you. It's been like that ever since we first met."

During his confession, Nie Huaisang nestles closer, curling up next to him the way he used to when they were younger and he had too much on his mind but nobody willing to listen to him.

"I would've run away with you back then. I would've defected and gone off with you without regrets. I would've pushed Da-ge to marry and produce his own heir the way he was supposed to instead of dumping it all on me. I should've told him to stop shirking his own duty before lecturing me about mine."

Maybe he would've said these things if he'd had more time with his brother after finally being angered enough to talk back to him. Maybe he would've finally managed to stand up for himself instead of cowering in the face of his brother's disapproval.

"I don't know. I just don't know what I'm doing now. Sometimes I think work is the only thing that stops me from completely falling apart."

He shifted, allowing him to snuggle in closer. He shifted the comforter off the bed and wrapped it around the two of them, with his tails curling around them as well. This came naturally to him. Caring for him like this.

“I don’t understand why, I which I was less naive back then, I wish I just left the Jin and said he’ll to try and please my father. I made so many mistakes trying to please them, my father, da-ge, Lan Xichen. At the end of it I was just convenient to have. An object.

Perhaps I think of Xichen that way because he hurt me, who knows what he thinks. I’m being unkind to him as well. It’s easier to mask hurt with anger, isn’t it? But I think I would like that too. Work is easier. You check things off a list until you are too tired to feel anything.” He sighed softly. His voice was quiet before he began to speak again.

“Maybe I did all of this because I was trying to prove to myself I was normal. That I am a normal man capable of doing sexual things. Like any other man.

But it’s not true.

In truth I think there is something wrong with me. Ever since I lost my virginity to A-Su. I just feel like I’m disgusting. I feel disgusting that experience of being loved of being touched by someone who saw past my background was so good. That the person who loved me like that and I shared my body with was my own younger sister. That my younger brother saw me like that too, something he wanted carnally. The men who watch me dance have the same look in their eyes. I feel like my mother when people look at her. Or am I my father when I feel sexually?

It makes me feel like I want to rub my skin off.

But when you look at me I don’t feel that way. I think I may need time to figure this out as well. I would like to be able to be a good lover. “ he wiped away some stray tears.

“I’m sorry A-Sang.”

Jin Guangyao's sudden move to rent this room for them makes more sense to Nie Huaisang now - he's pushing himself again. His own expression softens throughout the confession, during which he wraps his arms around the other man in return. They both needed this discussion, he thinks. Needed this honest talk about these feelings they hide from themselves and each other even now. They've come a long way very quickly but there's still ground to cover and issues they need to work through but neither of them have to work through it alone anymore.

That's part of what being in a relationship is, isn't it? it's not just sex and whispering platitudes and sweet nothings. It's dedication and hard work, too. And it's very hard work for them, indeed. Genuine remorse and unfathomable regret is visible in Nie Huaisang's eyes as his lover talks about the horrific experience he'd gone through before his wedding night. The dark secret that he'd exploited himself under the assumption that Qin Su had been the only victim of that tragedy. This isn't about him or his feelings right now though.

"I'm sorry. I wish I'd never told her, that I'd never paid the maid to tell anyone about it. I didn't understand. I didn't think it through and I'm so sorry. Not just for her sake but yours as well. I was wrong to assume the worst."

The words might be too little and too late to repair the irreversible damage Nie Huaisang had caused but they're honest, sincere, and come straight from the heart.

"What happened wasn't either of your faults. Neither of you knew and the one that did know didn't do enough to stop it. I'm sorry for what happened to you both. Neither of you deserved that pain."

He takes a moment to kiss Jin Guangyao's neck and shoulder, murmuring quietly.

"I don't want you to think that my problems are because of you. You're not dirty. You're not filth. You're not tainted because of what happened back then or because of what blood flows through your veins. I just... I want to give you the best i can of me. I want to give you something good and I'm afraid that I can't. There are just some things I need to work through, too, A-Yao. That's all."

All relationships had a lot of work involved. That they were on this path together and that they were trying meant a lot to him.

"Thank you for saying that," he said after a while. The apology was too late, as any apology for harming Da-ge would be. However, it mattered that he knew now. That he understood. "Perhaps I should have told her long ago...But I was afraid. I was afraid that she would do what she did. I wanted to protect her. Even if it was a sin. I just...She deserved so much better than me a husband who couldn't love her the way she deserved, to give her many children as she yearned for... A-Song deserved better too.

I...Thank you." he felt like he deserved all the pain though. But that was neither here nor there.

"I need to work through this issue though. It is affecting my work and everything else. Perhaps I can trust Maiden Julietta to assist me in working through some of this. Or ask A-Jing for advice... I think they would understand where I am coming from. I don't want to put this on you."

He squeezed Huaisang tightly to him. He was blinking back tears. His voice was thick and vulnerable. Almost childlike.

"R-Really? You don't think I'm dirty?"

He pressed his face against his shoulder.

"This is nice. I like being held. Can we just keep holding each other then? I only want what you want to give."

"I like holding you and talking things out with you like this. I think we probably need to keep doing it this way for a while. Pushing ourselves too hard hasn't been doing either of us any good, A-Yao. If we're not careful, we'll wear down what we've managed to rebuild these past months to the point it'll snap under pressure. I don't want that to happen."

He knows his limits. He doesn't have the strength to fight to make a failing relationship work and for him, love is just a feeling and like all feelings can change or fade completely with time. Or they can be compartmentalized and controlled to some degree in order to do what's necessary.

Nie Huaisang's a territorial creature when it comes to his loved ones, prone to possessiveness and insecurity, and while he isn't particularly fond of sharing, he's wise enough to understand that they're in a situation that requires compromise and a creative solution.

"I understand," he says quietly, kissing his temple. "I want you to do what you need to work through this. If Lady Julieta and your friend are willing to help so work's easier for you, that's fine. But I have a couple of conditions."

Nie Huaisang's invested too much in this relationship already to risk it slipping away during the throes of passion.

"No matter whose bed you wind up in, you come home to me. None of your other lovers enter our bed without permission or me being present. You make it clear to them that you already have a partner and you're unavailable for anything more than sex and friendship. And if you ever decide that you'd rather be with them than with me, you tell me first and we'll go from there. Does that sound fair or reasonable to you?"

[semi-closed] the master of my own disguise

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

cw: ptsd references

CW: ptsd references as well. Canon incest.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

Talk of sexual trauma and canon incest

no subject

no subject

no subject

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)