jigokulogs | [semi-closed] the master of my own disguise

Entry tags:

mo dao zu shi: nie huaisang

[semi-closed] the master of my own disguise

Who ⬤ Nie Huaisang and others
What ⬤ July/August Catch-All
When ⬤ All throughout July and August
Where ⬤ Various
Content Warnings ⬤ MDZS spoilers are a given. Casual discussion of kink of varying extremes and sex work, probably. Possible talk of war, violence, death, trauma, and mental illness. I'll update and include specific warnings in headers as they come up. Sex.

[If you'd like to thread, feel free to plot with me on my permanent plotting post or DM me through the game's Discord server or add me (Mimarin#7493). If neither of those options work for you, I also have a RP plurk at

talespinner if you want to add me on there.]

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“We don’t have to. It’s alright Huaisang. I do not want anything that you are not ready to give.” His voice was soft, soothing. His lips pressed against his temple once more.

He supposed it made sense, one cannot go through the bloody history they had shared without some wounds. The rejection stung a little but it wasn’t about him and he knew it. He had to take a breath and remind himself it wasn’t because he saw him as dirty.

The important thing was to make sure that Huaisang was okay.

“‘it’s okay, let it out. You must have held it in for so long. You don’t have to be sorry. You’re perfect as you are. Sex is intimate and this is a lot. I have no expectations other than to make sure you are well. Do you want me to hold you? Maybe verbalizing what is coming up will help. We can work though the feelings at least.”

He's not okay.

He hasn't been okay since... Honestly, has he ever been okay? Truly? Has there ever been a time Nie Huaisang didn't keep secrets from the people around him? And the only people he'd had to turn to had been the fairweather friend who hadn't been nearly as good at concealing his impatience for Nie Huaisang's struggles as he'd thought and the man who'd murdered his brother.

He certainly hasn't been okay since the day he'd witnessed the Daitengu's "assassination" and seen a frightening glimpse of his own future if he didn't change. The faction leader's return from the dead might've been a relief but it hadn't erased the trauma that had been brought back to the surface or the effects it continued to have on his life.

Nie Huaisang hears the words but he can't even form words. Instead, he just keeps clinging to Jin Guangyao and crying silently into his shoulder. He might need a moment to gather himself before he can speak.

Edited 2022-08-16 20:47 (UTC)

In all truth Jin Guangyao wan not quite okay either.

But he put on a lovely veneer of being fine most of the time. It was easy to put all of his issues in separate boxes, labeled, and filed. To be casually examined later. ~~He did that with Nie Mingjue's head too didn't he? He loved him, He hated him.~~ Neat little boxes that held horrors inside. Perfectly shelved, perfectly organized. Some he did not even dare to poke at. Lan Xichen. How could you? Push that one back into the dark corners of his mind.

He didn't really know what box Nie Huaisang fell into. It was as messy as the other boxes he fit his loved ones into. Brother/Killer Friend/Enemy. Sister/Wife. Son/Nephew. There were so few people he was allowed to love in an uncomplicated manner. And so few who could love him in the same way.

Did he even deserve that?

Today he was trying to push past his own issues with intimacy and sex. He did not want to be defined by his trauma. But every time he gets on stage and dances the steps his mother did he is reminded of it. When he pushed himself to serve clients, he broke. And all he does was try to please others. To be everything for everyone.

Where is he in that? Who is he now? A man who had a mutable identity who is now merged with a Yao? Did he know? Where did he end and Koemi begin?

Outwardly he stayed quiet and ran his fingers through Huaisang's hair, allowing him to sob into his shoulder. He made soft soothing noises as well, circling an arm around his back.

He knows it's hard for Jin Guangyao, too. That meeting him here and being in the same clan can't be any easier in a practical sense. That Nie Huaisang's presence in his life at this stage must be complicated for him, too. He took everything from him; he ruined the man's life. Yet Jin Guangyao is still here, letting him cry and soothing his nerves the same way he always did. He still shows him empathy, love, and affection after everything.

"I don't understand why you want me now. Why you care for me after everything I did. I hurt you. I betrayed you. But you're still here. Is it because I'm familiar? Because I'm here? I don't understand."

He's ruining this romantic evening, one that was clearly meant to be special and set them on a better, happier path but it's not in him to turn a blind eye to the reality before him, no matter how he feels anymore.

"I'm not him. I'll never be him."

Which him is he talking about? Lan Xichen or Nie Mingjue? Not even he knows at this point.

“You did.

It’s not because you are familiar. Or because you are here.” He took a deep breath and let it go. Trying to gather his thoughts. The dam he had built around Lan Xichen and Nie Mingjue began to break bit by bit. Tears began to form in his large gold eyes.

“I know you are not him. I want you because you are not. I just. I get it. How it was for you. And I think you see me. Were the only one who ever saw me. Both of them only saw what they wanted to see. A villain or a bodhisattva, nothing in between. Even telling them fell on deaf ears. I was a mirror to them. Be righteous A Yao, Be good. You're evil Meng Yao. You deserve to die. I just… Even in the end, Lan Xichen’s betrayal hurt more. I know why you did what you had to do. I had given you no choice. But...” he pressed a hand over the ugly scar Shouyue left.

“I don’t understand, it still hurts so much. I think I hate him and love him, and it’s the same for Da-ge. I twisted myself to pieces for them, built his home perfect for them, and saved their lives but they wanted me to die, at the end of it. After years of just not listening.” The tears were fully streaming down his face.

“I understand your grief and rage. I understand filial loyalty. I’m here because I know what it is like. To hate so much that you want to raze it all down in a great fire. I have felt that before. Let that madness take over me when I sent those women to their death.

But I was never like them. My sworn brothers.

You are like me. I want you for who you are. Perceptive, sweet, talented man. The one who sees me. I am ugly and broken. I am a bastard whoreson who killed his own father. But you know and you see. I don’t have to hide, like I did with Da-ge, with Lan Xichen, with A-Su.

I’m just tired of pretending.”

Edited 2022-08-17 02:22 (UTC)

Those words are comforting, even if the tears make him feel a little guilty for making him cry, too. it makes sense to him. Nie Huaisang can follow the logic, he thinks. He understands all too well to understand the appeal of not having to pretend to be someone else or conform to another's expectations, especially when the mold they want simply doesn't fit. And it helps to hear that Jin Guangyao understands the madness grief and rage can bring.

They really are the same now, aren't they?

After a moment, Nie Huaisang brushes away those tears and starts spreading soft kisses down their tracks. In between, he continues to speak quietly, trying to be honest, trying to let it all out.

"i'm scared. I'm scared my ancestors will never forgive me. That Da-ge won't. If I'm with you after everything that happened. Loving you hurts, it's always hurt. At first, it was because Da-ge would never approve and you never saw me. Then it was because it felt like I was betraying my brother. My clan. And now I'm betraying them again."

Maybe if he just says it out loud, he can let it go. Acknowledge that it's real and finally start to move on. He'd made up his mind already. He'd made a choice and he doesn't intend to go back on it but it's still hard for him to process and accept.

"I'm a terrible sect leader. My first taste of freedom and I fall to temptation so easily. They'd all be ashamed of me for shirking my duties."

He nods slowly allowing him to kiss and wipe the tears away. His fingers find his hair and press through it gently. He's quiet as he listens.

"I understand. I do. I'm scared too. I don't know if Qin Su will forgive me. Or if she'll hate me even more. It's only been ten months, since. And Here I am in bed again. How could I have been a good husband to her?" His throat clenched a bit but he continued.

"I don't think love should hurt. Though every example I have seen in my life seems to have hurt people. I think the only people I've seen happy are Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji. I don't want to hurt you more than I did already.

I don't think you are. Your duty is to survive. We aren't there. What can you do for your sect aside from surviving? How are you shirking your duties when you are working to the bone to fulfill a contract to alleviate your family's curse? So that Da-ge will be the last to go as he did?

If anything you're working too hard. I worry about your health." his fingers moved over his shoulders gently working out some tension.

"No matter what you do, you'll always be less of a shame than me, so there's that." this was an attempt at a joke.

The attempted joke does make him crack a bit of a wry smile. He does start to relax a little underneath that gentle touch, leaning into it as he lets his eyes drift closed. He's still getting used to people actually recognizing and appreciating how hard he works after a lifetime of never measuring up. His struggles with anxiety are so often forgotten or dismissed as unimportant and few ever see just how tense he always is when he allows the mask to fall or he isn't wearing loose or distracting clothing or diverting the eye with fancy accessories.

"I don't think it should either. I think it should be simple. Pure. Uncomplicated. It shouldn't feel like a weight or a burden or an expectation that has to be reached in order to enjoy it. Yet I find that in reality, it's often all of those things. Love is never simply love. There's always some sort of string attached and it can feel like a chain."

Maybe it'll sting for Jin Guangyao to hear. Maybe it's not the best time to share his somewhat cynical and pragmatic view of love but if this has any chance of working out between them, they need to talk about this.

"I don't know. Maybe I'm just over-sensitive. Maybe I'm not ready to take on that kind of relationship after all. I care about you. You mean a lot to me. Everything you've done and continue to do for me means something. It has value. But I don't want to hurt you anymore. I don't know what I'm doing with this. Any of this. I haven't been myself in years, A-Yao, and I don't think I've ever been just myself."

“That is always what it has been in reality. My heart yearns for the sweet uncomplicated love they write about in stories, but I understand the metaphor. All of my relationships had a chain attached something I had to be to even be worthy of it. Or the reality of what cannot be.” He took a breath and let it out slowly. His fingers petting him gently.

It was good to try and parse it out. Even if his relationship to Qin Su was not sexual he loved her dearly. He loved a few people so much and they had certain expectations of him.

"I had already said I refuse to cage you, Huaisang. If you need time to learn to be yourself, that is fine, if you think we are better as friends, that is okay too. We are both learning here. This is new territory in a place where we can learn to be ourselves. When we had to pretend our whole lives.

I love you Nie Huaisang, I always have. Because of this I want what is best for you. No matter what that may look like.” He pressed his lips against his cheek with a soft peck.

“No one else but us can define this. Though I am still going to get this room for the weekend and make you rest, even if we just lay, do face masks and watch daytime soap operas.”

How does Jin Guangyao always know how to handle him? Just what he needs in order to put him more at ease? It'd been half the reason he'd gone about things the way he did. Nie Huaisang knew himself well to know he would've crumbled during a direct confrontation before his revenge was complete.

"Resting would be good. Just spending time together alone. I don't know if we'd be better as friends. I don't know if I even know how to look at you that way now. All I've been able to think about is you when it comes to love. Even when I look at someone else, my mind always wanders back to you. It's been like that ever since we first met."

During his confession, Nie Huaisang nestles closer, curling up next to him the way he used to when they were younger and he had too much on his mind but nobody willing to listen to him.

"I would've run away with you back then. I would've defected and gone off with you without regrets. I would've pushed Da-ge to marry and produce his own heir the way he was supposed to instead of dumping it all on me. I should've told him to stop shirking his own duty before lecturing me about mine."

Maybe he would've said these things if he'd had more time with his brother after finally being angered enough to talk back to him. Maybe he would've finally managed to stand up for himself instead of cowering in the face of his brother's disapproval.

"I don't know. I just don't know what I'm doing now. Sometimes I think work is the only thing that stops me from completely falling apart."

He shifted, allowing him to snuggle in closer. He shifted the comforter off the bed and wrapped it around the two of them, with his tails curling around them as well. This came naturally to him. Caring for him like this.

“I don’t understand why, I which I was less naive back then, I wish I just left the Jin and said he’ll to try and please my father. I made so many mistakes trying to please them, my father, da-ge, Lan Xichen. At the end of it I was just convenient to have. An object.

Perhaps I think of Xichen that way because he hurt me, who knows what he thinks. I’m being unkind to him as well. It’s easier to mask hurt with anger, isn’t it? But I think I would like that too. Work is easier. You check things off a list until you are too tired to feel anything.” He sighed softly. His voice was quiet before he began to speak again.

“Maybe I did all of this because I was trying to prove to myself I was normal. That I am a normal man capable of doing sexual things. Like any other man.

But it’s not true.

In truth I think there is something wrong with me. Ever since I lost my virginity to A-Su. I just feel like I’m disgusting. I feel disgusting that experience of being loved of being touched by someone who saw past my background was so good. That the person who loved me like that and I shared my body with was my own younger sister. That my younger brother saw me like that too, something he wanted carnally. The men who watch me dance have the same look in their eyes. I feel like my mother when people look at her. Or am I my father when I feel sexually?

It makes me feel like I want to rub my skin off.

But when you look at me I don’t feel that way. I think I may need time to figure this out as well. I would like to be able to be a good lover. “ he wiped away some stray tears.

“I’m sorry A-Sang.”

Jin Guangyao's sudden move to rent this room for them makes more sense to Nie Huaisang now - he's pushing himself again. His own expression softens throughout the confession, during which he wraps his arms around the other man in return. They both needed this discussion, he thinks. Needed this honest talk about these feelings they hide from themselves and each other even now. They've come a long way very quickly but there's still ground to cover and issues they need to work through but neither of them have to work through it alone anymore.

That's part of what being in a relationship is, isn't it? it's not just sex and whispering platitudes and sweet nothings. It's dedication and hard work, too. And it's very hard work for them, indeed. Genuine remorse and unfathomable regret is visible in Nie Huaisang's eyes as his lover talks about the horrific experience he'd gone through before his wedding night. The dark secret that he'd exploited himself under the assumption that Qin Su had been the only victim of that tragedy. This isn't about him or his feelings right now though.

"I'm sorry. I wish I'd never told her, that I'd never paid the maid to tell anyone about it. I didn't understand. I didn't think it through and I'm so sorry. Not just for her sake but yours as well. I was wrong to assume the worst."

The words might be too little and too late to repair the irreversible damage Nie Huaisang had caused but they're honest, sincere, and come straight from the heart.

"What happened wasn't either of your faults. Neither of you knew and the one that did know didn't do enough to stop it. I'm sorry for what happened to you both. Neither of you deserved that pain."

He takes a moment to kiss Jin Guangyao's neck and shoulder, murmuring quietly.

"I don't want you to think that my problems are because of you. You're not dirty. You're not filth. You're not tainted because of what happened back then or because of what blood flows through your veins. I just... I want to give you the best i can of me. I want to give you something good and I'm afraid that I can't. There are just some things I need to work through, too, A-Yao. That's all."

All relationships had a lot of work involved. That they were on this path together and that they were trying meant a lot to him.

"Thank you for saying that," he said after a while. The apology was too late, as any apology for harming Da-ge would be. However, it mattered that he knew now. That he understood. "Perhaps I should have told her long ago...But I was afraid. I was afraid that she would do what she did. I wanted to protect her. Even if it was a sin. I just...She deserved so much better than me a husband who couldn't love her the way she deserved, to give her many children as she yearned for... A-Song deserved better too.

I...Thank you." he felt like he deserved all the pain though. But that was neither here nor there.

"I need to work through this issue though. It is affecting my work and everything else. Perhaps I can trust Maiden Julietta to assist me in working through some of this. Or ask A-Jing for advice... I think they would understand where I am coming from. I don't want to put this on you."

He squeezed Huaisang tightly to him. He was blinking back tears. His voice was thick and vulnerable. Almost childlike.

"R-Really? You don't think I'm dirty?"

He pressed his face against his shoulder.

"This is nice. I like being held. Can we just keep holding each other then? I only want what you want to give."

"I like holding you and talking things out with you like this. I think we probably need to keep doing it this way for a while. Pushing ourselves too hard hasn't been doing either of us any good, A-Yao. If we're not careful, we'll wear down what we've managed to rebuild these past months to the point it'll snap under pressure. I don't want that to happen."

He knows his limits. He doesn't have the strength to fight to make a failing relationship work and for him, love is just a feeling and like all feelings can change or fade completely with time. Or they can be compartmentalized and controlled to some degree in order to do what's necessary.

Nie Huaisang's a territorial creature when it comes to his loved ones, prone to possessiveness and insecurity, and while he isn't particularly fond of sharing, he's wise enough to understand that they're in a situation that requires compromise and a creative solution.

"I understand," he says quietly, kissing his temple. "I want you to do what you need to work through this. If Lady Julieta and your friend are willing to help so work's easier for you, that's fine. But I have a couple of conditions."

Nie Huaisang's invested too much in this relationship already to risk it slipping away during the throes of passion.

"No matter whose bed you wind up in, you come home to me. None of your other lovers enter our bed without permission or me being present. You make it clear to them that you already have a partner and you're unavailable for anything more than sex and friendship. And if you ever decide that you'd rather be with them than with me, you tell me first and we'll go from there. Does that sound fair or reasonable to you?"

"I think you're right. We both have a tendency to push ourselves. No matter how we look at it our relationship will not be normal in the sense of how other's go. I am happy with cuddling you and talking things out. How are you so wise?" he pressed his lips against his cheek to emphasize this fact.

"Those sound like very reasonable requests. We're both doing sex work so it makes sense to put these boundaries. I want to add that if we cannot come home for a reason, say we are drunk and it is unsafe to, or something like the blood rain happens again. Just let's text each other so we know the other is safe." he squeezed him gently.

"I should also tell you that I picked these two friends of mine to explore with because I know they are both wanting only friendship. You are the only one I want to be my partner, Huaisang. I wouldn't do this with anyone I had any romantic inclinations towards. I wouldn't be able to give them that. Besides Maiden Julieta already knows about us, and has a boyfriend herself."

Jin Guangyao knew what it was like to be insecure. He was always second to the shining golden boy Zixuan, and even though his relationship with his Gege was different now, he could understand Huaisang's fear. Especially with how he didn't even know that he felt for him.

"You come first and foremost in my life. I am making that commitment to you. No matter who I end up sleeping with, I will always discuss it with you. I want you to feel safe and comfortable. Thank you for telling me your needs. I appreciate that. We will keep these communication channels open between us."

Some of the constant tension thrumming under the surface dissipates and Nie Huaisang lets out a breath. If he has to cut ties with Jin Guangyao in order to protect himself from further harm, he will without hesitation but judging from his words, such a move might not become necessary. As long as Jin Guangyao doesn't abuse his generosity and what trust and goodwill he's managed to regain during their time together in Jigoku-cho, he shouldn't have to exit the stage.

"That's a fair condition to add. There's no need cause one another unnecessary distress. I agree to these terms."

He doesn't know Gojyo nearly well enough to assess the risk there so he's going to have to take his word for it that there's no threat. As for Julieta, he trusts her with him.

"It's better to be honest with each other than hide things. I don't know about you but I'm tired of keeping any more secrets than are necessary. I've worn enough masks for a lifetime."

The ones he puts on for work-related purposes are enough.

He would understand if he had to. Cutting off what hurts if it caused needless pain to survive. Jin Guangyao wouldn't blame him if it came to that.

"I have as well. I'm so very tired of hiding, Huaisang. I don't know if I can anymore. I'm just too tired. I would rather keep all of our cards on the table and see what happens.

We are both still healing from things that are horrific, I am still nursing grief and heartbreak. You are getting reconnected with your true self. This slow path is a better one I think.

So I promise I will not hide my tails from you." he leans up and presses a chaste kiss on his forehead, pushing his bangs away from his face. He looked at those nervous eyes and worked on soothing his shoulders.

"I think I can be happy here. I feel terrible for saying this. Doing what I do. But dancing has been affording me a sense to express some of my deeper feelings like music did in Hakagemachi. I've been working on ascribing different meanings to music and dance, removing it from being a weapon or association with Lan Xichen or Mama. I'm making it mine, an art that I can express the things that are too painful to say. I've lived my life too long in comparison to others.

I was going to suggest that perhaps you should try something similar with art or calligraphy, something that you can really work through some of the deeper complex feelings you feel and really be able to examine them. It might help you with your journey on feeling at home with yourself."

He listens, accepting that kiss and soothing, leaning against him.

"I've been wanting to find more time for painting and calligraphy. I used to be so good at that but I've fallen out of practice. I do some things for work but it's just not the same as doing it for myself."

It's been a struggle to fit himself into the picture of success in Jigoku-cho so far but then again, he's still learning how to be open about his competence after so many years of hiding it. But now that he's had a taste for being valued, he wants more. He's never wanted to rise before just to see how far he can go in a career before; even back home, his ambitions are born more out of necessity and obligation than honest desire.

"Your dancing is beautiful. If it helps you express yourself, I think you should keep doing it. I think I could be happy here, too, maybe even become someone great within the clan. And for the first time, I find myself wanting to. I've always been a joke in my clan and our society but in the Tamamo Clan, I'm valued. Even respected. I've never had that before. Barely anyone's respected me or seen actual worth in what I do before. And I like it. I like feeling like I can contribute something worthwhile to a cause."

The Tamamo Clan's cause is worth it, he thinks. The world Tenkohime envisions is one worth fighting for.

"I should try harder to find a healthier balance though. I can't do this job or be myself with anyone if I don't know who that is. And I can't give any partner what they need or deserve if I'm constantly stressed or exhausting myself."

"You were always a skilled artist. It will come back to you in time."

He was very aware of how people viewed him back home and were very proud of how much he had achieved here. He kissed his forehead again, to relay that fact.

"Perhaps we can carve out time like this. Get a room away from our house. See some of the sillier love hotels for the novelty of it and bring paints and paper. You can have some time to relax and paint, I can practice the qin or a new routine. We are both prone to overworking ourselves to the point of exhaustion. This way we can spend some time together but also with ourselves. And we can watch something when we feel like doing something together.

It will just give us an accountability partner.

Personally, I want to stay in a room that looks like a ramen cup. It'll be a fun set for some silly pictures. I'll sew a fish outfit and you can be pickled radish and we can pose sexily." he said laughing a little. "Let's just have some fun."

Nie Huaisang chuckles at the image.

"That does sound fun. I like the idea of regular outings like this. I'm handling my own scheduling with clients now rather than working through clubs. Once the school's organized and open, my schedule should be more flexible outside of classes and appointments."

He nuzzles Jin Guangyao's jaw a moment, just taking the moment to just breathe and enjoy being with him. Maybe that's what he needs more than anything and the rest will fall into place along the way.

"It'd be a good idea for us to get away to relax regularly. Those vouchers aren't going to do either of us any good if we don't actually put them to use. It'd be a shame to let them expire. These places aren't cheap."

“I really like it as well. I think it is important for us to actually take cafe of ourselves so we can bring our best for the clan. And getting to spend time with you is always a wonderful bonus to any day.” He smiled at him warmly.

"The war took so much from us, and peacetime even more so. This is our time now. Let’s just work on finding happiness, no matter what that might look like. I for one am excited to use the spa vouchers I so gallantly shook my ass for. Feel like going in the morning? I want to get a mani pedi and the full treatment. My tails are looking a bit sad these days.

I’m a Jin, we’re supposed to be beautiful.” He winked. He was mostly being playful. “Gege would balk at the state of me.”

Jin Guangyao really isn't without his charms. He can't help but smile back. As complicated as things are, they are easier like this in lighter moments. It's easier to connect with that old warmth and happiness that used to fill him whenever they were together like this.

"You're always beautiful and your tails are lovely. I won't turn down a spa day, though. I could use a good shampoo, massage, and long, relaxing soak. And I could use a manicure and pedicure."

Honestly, a chance to do absolutely nothing and just be pampered without any expectations or strings attached sounds better than sex to him these days.

“You are certainly one to speak of beauty. I hear the customers all yelling about your charm.” He kisses him on the nose for emphasis. “that really does sound lovely. I think the petal milk bath may be in our future. It has some oils that does wonders for the skin.”

He stretched his arms back with a yawn. His tails stretching out as well before leaning down and doing a cat stretch, with his hips jutting up a bit. His shoulders made a soft popping noise as he did so.

“I saw a lovely green and gold foil leaf pattern that would look perfect on you.” He smiled up at him, laying down on his chest. “maybe we can look at some jewelry as well. The costume jewelry has been oxidizing and staining my skin green.” He felt less like he was playing a role and more like himself. It did feel like those times he visited Qinghe and they would talk about nothing.

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[semi-closed] the master of my own disguise

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cw: ptsd references

CW: ptsd references as well. Canon incest.

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Talk of sexual trauma and canon incest

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