jigokulogs | [semi-closed] the master of my own disguise

Jin Guangyao decided he was tired of dancing around this issue. It has already been six months. And they have been dancing around wanting to be intimate together. He left a painting for him with instructions that could not be misconstrued.

He booked the largest room he could with a spa ensuite. He was well prepared as well, dressed only in a see-through underrobe and his hair tied up in a ponytail with the silver guan that Nie Huaisang had first given him. His first gift in his life, he knew it was something that used to belong to Huaisang and it felt right wearing it for this. He had also prepared himself to be penetrated and wore a heavy plug with a dangling jewel on the end. He wanted to be beautiful for him.

He had already ordered some of Huaisang's favorite wines and food to be served on a low table.

Though at the same time anxiety ran low in his belly. What if he didn't want him? What if he decided that Jin Guangyao was too dirty to touch to want after all.

All he could do was wait, startled when he heard a knock.

"Come in."

Edited 2022-07-14 04:03 (UTC)

It wasn't that Nie Huaisang hasn't wanted to. It's crossed his mind more than once, given his profession and their close proximity. And well, in his younger years back before everything went wrong, it'd been on his mind on a near constant basis. However, a lot had happened since those days and they've been slowly sorting things out between them. Not to mention they've both been busy with all the work they've been doing for the clan. For the first time in his life, Nie Huaisang actually has a career he enjoys and he's willing to dedicate himself to. Personal romances simply haven't been his top priority, regardless of whatever confusion or lingering feelings he might have.

Still, he agreed to this and he certainly wants to try. Nie Huaisang is new at juggling work and relationships but maybe he'll get used to it if he just keeps practicing. So when he found his new partner's note, he decided to put his school planning on hold for a bit and try to focus on just him tonight. After all, at this point, it's become clear to him that there are always going to be work projects demanding his time and energy, and quitting simply isn't an option when he's under contract.

He's a little nervous, too, swallowing hard as he enters the hotel room. Is what he's able to give going to be enough? It's always a question in his mind.

"A-Yao?" he calls out softly upon entering, looking around the room and taking note of his favorites on the table and how lovely the room is. He doesn't see Jin Guangyao right away, distracted by everything else at the moment as he's prone to be these days.

Edited 2022-07-15 01:18 (UTC)

Jin Guangyao's heart fluttered to his throat as he heard that familiar soft voice. This was really going to be something huh? He hoped he was ready for this, sex was still something so intimate for him.

However he really wanted him, and to know that he was wanted as well. A step in the right direction and hopefully some time to heal that pit of self-hatred that usually followed him.

He walked out to the sitting area, nervously pressing his hair over his shoulder. His see-through robes really did not hide much at all. His cheeks were colored a deep pink. He leaned up and kissed his lover softly. His silver guan shone in the low light.

"Welcome," he said shyly. feeling very much like an awkward teen.

"Did you want to eat first or...er... I am happy you are here."

It helps put him at ease to see Jin Guangyao just as awkward about this as he feels. Of course, Nie Huaisang wants him. What happened between them at the bonfire never would've happened if he didn't. The timing of it is just a little odd considering their rather heavy discussion about his brother recently and starting on this new project. However, the world keeps turning and Nie Huaisang doesn't want his life to be completely defined by his role in the clan so he's just going to have to figure out how to make it work. Somehow.

"Thank you," he replies feeling just as awkward as he always does in these situations when he isn't playing out a part in someone's fantasy. "Some food first sounds good. You went through all this trouble for me; I'd hate to see it go to waste."

Maybe it's to give himself a little time, too, to readjust his mindset a little. Switching between business and pleasure doesn't come nearly as easily to him as it seems to for others. And well, he's never been one to rush into anything. Even if they have known each other for a very long time, the changes in their relationship are still very new to him, at least in comparison. He does sneak a look at Jin Guangyao in that sheer robe, face warming a little at the sight.

"You look very beautiful tonight, A-Yao."

Very ready for sex. The note the other man had left for him hadn't exactly been subtle.

It was the timing. Blood rain right after the bonfire and that heavy conversation. It needed to be said but it did not negate how much he loved him. They both had responsibilities, of course. But they were allowed a night to themselves as well. They earned it after everything.

"Of course. It was no trouble at all." he led them to the small table and sat down on his feet, accidentally shifting the plug, causing a deep brush and all of his tails to jut out at once. Well, that was something. He was going to try and act normal now.

"Here please allow me to serve you." he began to make a bowl, piling the most tender meats on top of it.

"T-Thank you. You look beautiful too."

He was tired of being subtle. They hid themselves underneath layers and layers. It was nice to be direct for once. To want something for the sake of wanting it. Because he wanted it, not to pander or cajole or curry. But because he, Jin Guangyao, Meng Yao, wanted someone.

His gaze paused at Huaisang's lips and wondered how those sweet lips would feel against the nape of his neck. He shook his head and tried to focus on the food.

"Did you want me to feed you?"

"Do you want to?"

The response comes out automatically, partly out of habit. When he's with his clients, he routinely asks this to get a sense of what the other person is looking for from him. No one approaches him like this without some sort of deep need that's gone unsatisfied up until this point. For Jin Guangyao to be so intent on this all of a sudden, well, it's a little surprising.

"I'll never say no to it. I like it when you feed me and take care of me. It helps me relax."

And honestly, he probably does need to relax. The familiar guilt and anxiety over not doing as much as he can or doing what he shouldn't be is starting to set in a little bit again. He's been working as hard and quickly as he can on organizing the school for Tenkohime but it's just not a quick or easy task to accomplish just like that. Every single one of these plans take careful thought and consideration before they can be executed.

"You seem like you could use a little unwinding, too, A-Yao."

"I do." He knelt down in front of him.

"Taking care of you makes me relax too. I think I just like soothing." He picked up some food with his chopsticks and held it out for him to eat.

"I think so. I've been a bit high-strung lately with everything happening. Trying to help out new recruits and work. I'm not sure I really know how to unwind though..." he admitted.

"You were always better at that than me."

"Sometimes I forget about that. It seems like such a long time ago."

And honestly, it was. It's been a long time since Nie Huaisang's been that carefree boy breezing through life and even then, he was never as carefree as he seemed to be on the surface. Between his failing grades in school, his inability to meet his brother's expectations with his saber, and the unwanted inheritance looming before him like a prison sentence, he'd always been more troubled than he'd let on to most.

"It has been a lot to deal with. I don't know how we're supposed to have lives outside working for the clan but maybe it's easier for the younger ones to manage."

He sighs as he sits down and takes a bite of the food. Soothing is definitely what he needs at least until he gets better at asking for help.

Edited 2022-07-15 04:48 (UTC)

“It feels like a lifetime ago.” In a way it was. Sixteen years was a long time.
“ however, at the same time it feels timeless. Fussing after you feels timeless.”

He picked a piece of tender meat, and fed him.

“Also this way I know you are eating. You picked up some bad habits over the last ten years.” He stated softly. “I did too and am trying to unlearn them if you can make certain I sleep, I’ll make sure you eat.”

“‘after we set in the systems in place we can take a step back, The watchtowers took me five years of constant work. The school will take a bit in the beginning, but will be easier as we go.” He ate a bit himself as he spoke.

“‘you are doing well but we deserve a break tonight, perhaps tomorrow as well. We need to rest so we can work well later.”

After Nie Huaisang finishes chewing, he nods, fatigue showing clearly on his face. No matter how skilled he might be, strategic work isn't easy, especially the kind with the potential to alter the direction of the clan moving forward into the future. Then again, maybe it's this understanding that makes him good at helping to plan out the project.

"You're right. Once the systems are in place, I hope to take a step back from all of this. Ideally, those underneath us will have all the skills and develop the wisdom needed to move forward on their own as one unit."

Nie Huaisang's tired and doesn't want to work but that's not exactly anything new. It's hard to stay focused and motivated to keep going with his project when all he wants out of life is a comfortable, beautiful home and someone who understands and appreciates him to share it with. And he can't have that anywhere but here now.

"Right now, I just want to focus on you. Your note was very persuasive and you also deserve my attention. As undivided as I can manage."

It's just the kind of lover he is.

"That is the plan I think we have some good youngblood who can take over. I would be happy to just retire and teach. We'll get there. It takes time and at least you don't have to convince sect leader Yao how this is beneficial to all and have to hear him run his mouth." he laughs softly.

Jin Guangyao blushes deeply.

"Truth be told, I'm not certain how to feel with someone's attention on me in that way. It has been a very long time. And I feel a bit flustered? I...I've never really done this with a man before, though I have long thought about it.

Did you find my note to be persuasive? I felt a bit silly making it."

"It was very cute."

Nie Huaisang smiles, taking in that blush. It's certainly a charming side to the man, one he's very grateful to be in a position to see. He's always been drawn to him from the moment they first met. And if he's honest with himself, he probably wouldn't have been nearly so bitter when it all went sour if the attraction hadn't been quite so strong.

"Really? You haven't? Have you only been with women so far?"

As for himself, Nie Huaisang's been with men, women, and even had a few interesting experiences with some youkai where he wasn't quite sure were either. Sexwork is never boring and he's had the opportunity to meet quite a few memorable clients.

"I've mainly been dominant in my sex work and while I gave my friend, Gojyo a deep massage, we have not quite crossed that line yet. Though I may borrow him for an Only Celestials video soon. I do not mind so much with him, he's safe." he put emphasis on this, not just physically safe but emotionally safe.

"As much as I like men, sex, in general, has been a bit hard for me to fall into, so I've been trying to take my time since the bathhouse. I do not want to break down again. I really did push too hard last time...

But this is different, I know you. I want you. I want to feel your hands on my skin and actually remember that sex could feel good before everything... I...know You'll take your time.

I know you are safe."

It makes sense to him considering everything that's happened. He's come to realize that the Tamamo line of work certainly comes with its share of hidden dangers and threats. It's worth doing though and he's very suited for it. Who knew the acting, manipulation, and leadership skills he'd honed as a politician could be used in such a fun way? Maintaining a persona through a session is nothing compared to hiding his true self from his enemies and allies for a decade.

Not everyone is as innovative or adaptable as he is in this sense though.

"It's definitely better to take your time, pay attention to your feelings and needs, and not push yourself to open up more than you're comfortable with. As we both saw, it can aggravate old injuries and make it difficult to keep moving forward."

He really has grown quite comfortable in this role as a Tamamo and it shows.

"We don't have to rush anything. We can take it slow. Start small and see how it feels from that point on. The important thing is to learn that it's okay to enjoy touching one another. And that it's okay to feel."

As casual as he is about sex itself, it's the emotional component that's far trickier and messier. It's in this area that he needs to take it slow himself.

There were many ways that being in a brothel and being political were similar. You built fantasies and told people what they wanted to hear. The sweet lies they wanted so much to believe.

"It is okay. I want you to touch me, to really look at me. I book this room all night and can extend it to tomorrow if we want to.

I prepared myself as well already. I would like for you to take me tonight. If you want to that is." his thick eyelashes fluttered down and he looked shy about it. his tails curling up slightly.

"I want you to be the first man who has me, A-Sang."

"Oh."

He supposes that explains the tail thing he'd noticed earlier. For a moment, Nie Huaisang wonders what it is about him that attracts people thinking he'd be a good partner to try different sex acts with for the first time. Not that he minds it at all. It's flattering and makes him happy that others are comfortable sharing that first experience with him.

"S-Sure. If you really want me to... I haven't done it that way much with men but I've done similar with women. Most of the time, it's the men who are taking me."

He flushes a little, looking a bit shy and awkward. Talking about the clients he sleeps with during his first time with his boyfriend probably isn't very romantic. He can't help but be a little nervous though. It's still a big change, a positive one, but still, he needs a moment to process this scenario.

For Jin Guangyao, taking this role felt like baring his throat. And it was something that wanted to do with someone he was comfortable with. He was showing his throat to Nie Huaisang that he was choosing to trust him with this.

"We can switch if you like. I am not really that particular I think." it was fine, they were both sex workers after all. It was better, to be honest about it. "I've honestly only used false jade ones before. Certain times I just needed the release and wondered about it."

He knelt up and pressed his lips against the other's cheek, placing the chopsticks down. While holding eye contact, he allowed the sheer fabric to fall from his shoulders and expose more of his chest.

"Do you want me?"

That certainly catches his attention and like a cat, he follows the cloth's downward movement a moment before settling on the other man's chest, still a little too flustered to maintain eye contact at the moment. Jin Guangyao is a beautiful man, for sure; he always has been. The honest conversation certainly helps put him at ease, especially after all the hiding and masking they've had to do for so many years.

It takes him a moment to register the press of lips against his cheek and his blush deepens. At that point, Nie Huaisang does look at him.

"I do. I've always wanted you. Since we first met," he blurts out, eyes widening at his own admission.

His nerves are getting the better of him right now, it seems.

Both his interest and his shyness were absolutely adorable. Nie Huaisang was so adorable and he wanted to kiss him everywhere.

"Did you?" he asked softly, his voice husky. He kissed the tip of his nose. Nie Huaisang was so cute.

He stood up, moving his tail to show off his butt, through the sheer fabric. With a practiced motion, he let the fine silk drop to the floor, revealing his naked form. He kicked it away with a delicate, practiced motion learned on the dance floor.

He reached down and helped him up.

"Let's relocate to the bed. Waiting twenty years is long enough. Don't you think?"

Nie Huaisang gets to his feet, still blushing. It certainly has been long enough but it also feels a little strange to give into it now after repressing that desire for so long. Part of him still feels like he's betraying his brother and his sect by wanting this, by allowing it to happen.

But he's been alone and misunderstood for far too long and in the end, he's only human. And like any other human, he has needs, no matter how often he puts them aside to perform his duties.

"Y-Yes, A-Yao. The bed would be better. Somewhere soft and comfortable. Maybe we should book the room for tomorrow."

If only because this is going to be rough on him emotionally, too. He wants to change. He wants a better, happier life and this is a big step toward that goal.

Thier love was always going to have the sting of betrayal. Like Nie Huaisang felt as if he was betraying Nie Mingjue, Jin Guangyao, wondered if Qin Su would ever forgive him. She was gone and he had never strayed from their empty bed in life, despite everything. And here he was stepping to bed with the catalyst of her demise. Not the cause but the catalyst. After all only he himself could be the cause of his wife's death.

However, he too was human. And he was lonely. It had been so long ago that he had felt loved and that it was okay for him to be loved. He wanted to love and be loved. And Nie Huaisang knew this path and was still willing to love him.

He took his hand and pressed a kiss upon it with his peach-tinted lips. His dark eyes moved up to regard him.

With a flick of his wrist and a fire talisman, he lit all the candles in the room, giving them a soft glow.

"Okay, I'll make the call to keep it through tomorrow. We can order food if we need to, and there is a lovely bath in the ensuite as well. We don't have to go anywhere." He sat down on the soft bed, huffing slightly as the toy moved in him.

His hands moved up to remove his guan, and held it out to him. His hair cascaded down his shoulders.

"This was the first gift anyone ever gave to me who was not Mama. I believe a sweet boy once wore it himself. Does it look familiar?"

The candlelight offers a soft, romantic mood - an intimate one that Nie Huaisang appreciates. The vast majority of his sexual encounters in Jigokucho haven't been for him or catered to his actual needs or wants, only the fantasy he weaved for his clients to take them away from their troubles. Jin Guangyao's always a keen understanding of what he wants and how to give it to him.

He takes the guan from him, looking it over. It's been a long time since he's seen it. The last time was when he'd wrapped it up in some cloth after polishing it up and handing it over as a surprise present. Jin Guangyao's life had been so hard, his stress always palpable, so he'd given it to him, hoping that it might brighten his day a little.

"I'm surprised you kept this so many years," he murmurs, sitting beside him on the bed.

Though to be fair, Nie Huaisang's never parted with the fan Jin Guangyao had given him so long ago, carrying it with him always for reasons even he hadn't understood back then. Can anyone really understand why a man plotting another man's murder continues to treasure a gift from them?

"It was the first gift I was given from a dear sweet friend, I know I may not look it but I am rather sentimental when it comes to gifts that people give me." the guan and the guqin that Lan Xichen had given him were some of his prized possessions. All Nie Mingjue had gifted him were scars.

He would rather not think of him right now.

"I thought that it would be meaningful tonight, a renewal of our relationship. I suppose I am more sentimental than I let on." he let out a little huff of a laugh. "I didn't allow people to know that about me, you know. When you love things they find ways to break them to hurt you."

He leaned against his lover a little bit. "I want to try and show that side of me more now. I don't think I'll be hurt here. I mean to say I want to try and unlearn the shields i put up around to keep myself safe. At least here, around you."

Jin Guangyao's good with words. He always has been and he's had a knack for saying exactly what Nie Huaisang needs to hear for as long as he's known him. Considering so few other people ever seem to know how to handle him, it never fails to set him apart or impress him. it'd take a lifetime of practice and study for Nie Huaisang to develop that level of grace in social situations. it's not a competition though, he reminds himself. Their days of competition are over now.

"It would be good if we could. No one really knows us here and we could both be anyone we wanted to be if we put our minds to it. I want us to have a place to call our own, even if we're running it for Tenkohime."

Nie Huaisang really is trying not to think about work here but he's a practical man concerned with material reality more than emotional ones nowadays. He can't not think in terms of personal security.

"As safe and autonomous of a haven is possible in this place."

No Nie Huaisang had talents and skills in social manipulation that Jin Guangyao did not possess. It was no longer a competition they were a team. They spoke a language only the other understood and that was fine.

"I want to be no one but who Meng Yao could have been had the world not broken him. I would like that. A home I mean. A place that is ours and safe.

Even Jinlintai never felt like home as much as I wanted it to. Just spaces I inhabited." he smiled softly.

"Well, Tenkohime is better than most brothel madames I've met. And we seem to be on her good side. I want to stay that way. And as long as we move towards clan benefit I do not see it for a reason to change. We'll build something good here. I know it. We can build anything with our skills together." he leaned forward to kiss his temple. "I am so proud of you my love. I know that I keep telling you but I think you need to keep hearing it."

Peaches N' Cream (cw: smut)

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