jigokulogs | [semi-closed] the master of my own disguise

"It was very cute."

Nie Huaisang smiles, taking in that blush. It's certainly a charming side to the man, one he's very grateful to be in a position to see. He's always been drawn to him from the moment they first met. And if he's honest with himself, he probably wouldn't have been nearly so bitter when it all went sour if the attraction hadn't been quite so strong.

"Really? You haven't? Have you only been with women so far?"

As for himself, Nie Huaisang's been with men, women, and even had a few interesting experiences with some youkai where he wasn't quite sure were either. Sexwork is never boring and he's had the opportunity to meet quite a few memorable clients.

"I've mainly been dominant in my sex work and while I gave my friend, Gojyo a deep massage, we have not quite crossed that line yet. Though I may borrow him for an Only Celestials video soon. I do not mind so much with him, he's safe." he put emphasis on this, not just physically safe but emotionally safe.

"As much as I like men, sex, in general, has been a bit hard for me to fall into, so I've been trying to take my time since the bathhouse. I do not want to break down again. I really did push too hard last time...

But this is different, I know you. I want you. I want to feel your hands on my skin and actually remember that sex could feel good before everything... I...know You'll take your time.

I know you are safe."

It makes sense to him considering everything that's happened. He's come to realize that the Tamamo line of work certainly comes with its share of hidden dangers and threats. It's worth doing though and he's very suited for it. Who knew the acting, manipulation, and leadership skills he'd honed as a politician could be used in such a fun way? Maintaining a persona through a session is nothing compared to hiding his true self from his enemies and allies for a decade.

Not everyone is as innovative or adaptable as he is in this sense though.

"It's definitely better to take your time, pay attention to your feelings and needs, and not push yourself to open up more than you're comfortable with. As we both saw, it can aggravate old injuries and make it difficult to keep moving forward."

He really has grown quite comfortable in this role as a Tamamo and it shows.

"We don't have to rush anything. We can take it slow. Start small and see how it feels from that point on. The important thing is to learn that it's okay to enjoy touching one another. And that it's okay to feel."

As casual as he is about sex itself, it's the emotional component that's far trickier and messier. It's in this area that he needs to take it slow himself.

There were many ways that being in a brothel and being political were similar. You built fantasies and told people what they wanted to hear. The sweet lies they wanted so much to believe.

"It is okay. I want you to touch me, to really look at me. I book this room all night and can extend it to tomorrow if we want to.

I prepared myself as well already. I would like for you to take me tonight. If you want to that is." his thick eyelashes fluttered down and he looked shy about it. his tails curling up slightly.

"I want you to be the first man who has me, A-Sang."

"Oh."

He supposes that explains the tail thing he'd noticed earlier. For a moment, Nie Huaisang wonders what it is about him that attracts people thinking he'd be a good partner to try different sex acts with for the first time. Not that he minds it at all. It's flattering and makes him happy that others are comfortable sharing that first experience with him.

"S-Sure. If you really want me to... I haven't done it that way much with men but I've done similar with women. Most of the time, it's the men who are taking me."

He flushes a little, looking a bit shy and awkward. Talking about the clients he sleeps with during his first time with his boyfriend probably isn't very romantic. He can't help but be a little nervous though. It's still a big change, a positive one, but still, he needs a moment to process this scenario.

For Jin Guangyao, taking this role felt like baring his throat. And it was something that wanted to do with someone he was comfortable with. He was showing his throat to Nie Huaisang that he was choosing to trust him with this.

"We can switch if you like. I am not really that particular I think." it was fine, they were both sex workers after all. It was better, to be honest about it. "I've honestly only used false jade ones before. Certain times I just needed the release and wondered about it."

He knelt up and pressed his lips against the other's cheek, placing the chopsticks down. While holding eye contact, he allowed the sheer fabric to fall from his shoulders and expose more of his chest.

"Do you want me?"

That certainly catches his attention and like a cat, he follows the cloth's downward movement a moment before settling on the other man's chest, still a little too flustered to maintain eye contact at the moment. Jin Guangyao is a beautiful man, for sure; he always has been. The honest conversation certainly helps put him at ease, especially after all the hiding and masking they've had to do for so many years.

It takes him a moment to register the press of lips against his cheek and his blush deepens. At that point, Nie Huaisang does look at him.

"I do. I've always wanted you. Since we first met," he blurts out, eyes widening at his own admission.

His nerves are getting the better of him right now, it seems.

Both his interest and his shyness were absolutely adorable. Nie Huaisang was so adorable and he wanted to kiss him everywhere.

"Did you?" he asked softly, his voice husky. He kissed the tip of his nose. Nie Huaisang was so cute.

He stood up, moving his tail to show off his butt, through the sheer fabric. With a practiced motion, he let the fine silk drop to the floor, revealing his naked form. He kicked it away with a delicate, practiced motion learned on the dance floor.

He reached down and helped him up.

"Let's relocate to the bed. Waiting twenty years is long enough. Don't you think?"

Nie Huaisang gets to his feet, still blushing. It certainly has been long enough but it also feels a little strange to give into it now after repressing that desire for so long. Part of him still feels like he's betraying his brother and his sect by wanting this, by allowing it to happen.

But he's been alone and misunderstood for far too long and in the end, he's only human. And like any other human, he has needs, no matter how often he puts them aside to perform his duties.

"Y-Yes, A-Yao. The bed would be better. Somewhere soft and comfortable. Maybe we should book the room for tomorrow."

If only because this is going to be rough on him emotionally, too. He wants to change. He wants a better, happier life and this is a big step toward that goal.

Thier love was always going to have the sting of betrayal. Like Nie Huaisang felt as if he was betraying Nie Mingjue, Jin Guangyao, wondered if Qin Su would ever forgive him. She was gone and he had never strayed from their empty bed in life, despite everything. And here he was stepping to bed with the catalyst of her demise. Not the cause but the catalyst. After all only he himself could be the cause of his wife's death.

However, he too was human. And he was lonely. It had been so long ago that he had felt loved and that it was okay for him to be loved. He wanted to love and be loved. And Nie Huaisang knew this path and was still willing to love him.

He took his hand and pressed a kiss upon it with his peach-tinted lips. His dark eyes moved up to regard him.

With a flick of his wrist and a fire talisman, he lit all the candles in the room, giving them a soft glow.

"Okay, I'll make the call to keep it through tomorrow. We can order food if we need to, and there is a lovely bath in the ensuite as well. We don't have to go anywhere." He sat down on the soft bed, huffing slightly as the toy moved in him.

His hands moved up to remove his guan, and held it out to him. His hair cascaded down his shoulders.

"This was the first gift anyone ever gave to me who was not Mama. I believe a sweet boy once wore it himself. Does it look familiar?"

The candlelight offers a soft, romantic mood - an intimate one that Nie Huaisang appreciates. The vast majority of his sexual encounters in Jigokucho haven't been for him or catered to his actual needs or wants, only the fantasy he weaved for his clients to take them away from their troubles. Jin Guangyao's always a keen understanding of what he wants and how to give it to him.

He takes the guan from him, looking it over. It's been a long time since he's seen it. The last time was when he'd wrapped it up in some cloth after polishing it up and handing it over as a surprise present. Jin Guangyao's life had been so hard, his stress always palpable, so he'd given it to him, hoping that it might brighten his day a little.

"I'm surprised you kept this so many years," he murmurs, sitting beside him on the bed.

Though to be fair, Nie Huaisang's never parted with the fan Jin Guangyao had given him so long ago, carrying it with him always for reasons even he hadn't understood back then. Can anyone really understand why a man plotting another man's murder continues to treasure a gift from them?

"It was the first gift I was given from a dear sweet friend, I know I may not look it but I am rather sentimental when it comes to gifts that people give me." the guan and the guqin that Lan Xichen had given him were some of his prized possessions. All Nie Mingjue had gifted him were scars.

He would rather not think of him right now.

"I thought that it would be meaningful tonight, a renewal of our relationship. I suppose I am more sentimental than I let on." he let out a little huff of a laugh. "I didn't allow people to know that about me, you know. When you love things they find ways to break them to hurt you."

He leaned against his lover a little bit. "I want to try and show that side of me more now. I don't think I'll be hurt here. I mean to say I want to try and unlearn the shields i put up around to keep myself safe. At least here, around you."

Jin Guangyao's good with words. He always has been and he's had a knack for saying exactly what Nie Huaisang needs to hear for as long as he's known him. Considering so few other people ever seem to know how to handle him, it never fails to set him apart or impress him. it'd take a lifetime of practice and study for Nie Huaisang to develop that level of grace in social situations. it's not a competition though, he reminds himself. Their days of competition are over now.

"It would be good if we could. No one really knows us here and we could both be anyone we wanted to be if we put our minds to it. I want us to have a place to call our own, even if we're running it for Tenkohime."

Nie Huaisang really is trying not to think about work here but he's a practical man concerned with material reality more than emotional ones nowadays. He can't not think in terms of personal security.

"As safe and autonomous of a haven is possible in this place."

No Nie Huaisang had talents and skills in social manipulation that Jin Guangyao did not possess. It was no longer a competition they were a team. They spoke a language only the other understood and that was fine.

"I want to be no one but who Meng Yao could have been had the world not broken him. I would like that. A home I mean. A place that is ours and safe.

Even Jinlintai never felt like home as much as I wanted it to. Just spaces I inhabited." he smiled softly.

"Well, Tenkohime is better than most brothel madames I've met. And we seem to be on her good side. I want to stay that way. And as long as we move towards clan benefit I do not see it for a reason to change. We'll build something good here. I know it. We can build anything with our skills together." he leaned forward to kiss his temple. "I am so proud of you my love. I know that I keep telling you but I think you need to keep hearing it."

Nie Huaisang leans into the kiss, letting the words wash over him. The steady drip of other people's disappointment in his performance has stopped but he's still recovering from the poisonous effect it'd had on him for so long. He's struggled with anxiety his whole life. Even after his string of recent successes, that nervousness is too ingrained in him now to just disappear. Worrying is simply part of who he's always been.

"I want to. Leading a clan's hard, especially in the shadow of another who is very well known. Sometimes I wonder if she's handling it as well as it seems on the surface. I'm grateful that she trusts me and that she's pleased with my work."

He sighs, leaning against him and closes his eyes.

"I want to continue to do well. I like feeling useful here, like what I have to offer is worthwhile."

"It is, it never gets easier, but being a good subordinate helps leaders carry their burdens. Good leaders in any case. And you have been doing so well. Everyone likes knowing they are useful and needed. But do not make the mistakes I did and take too much yourself. I am here for you to pass work to as well alright? We are doing this together." His arms wrap around him and he pulls him close.

"You really are such a jewel. Something precious. I hope you know that. He kissed his hair gently. "You shine beautifully in this light." He pressed his face into his hair and took in his scent. His tails wrapped around the both of them like a warm cocoon.

"I like holding you like this, With you in my tails. I feel like I can protect you from the world this way. Are these features strange for you?"

"No, they're not. I've gotten used to them."

If they hadn't been living together all this time, Nie Huaisang might've taken longer to adjust but after seeing them every day for the past however many months it's been now, they're just part of Jin Guangyao now. He's even gotten used to Koemi's inescapable presence.

"I like being held like this, too. They're so soft and it's easier to forget there's a world outside them."

He's always been very tactile like that. And it helps to hear those sweet words. Despite some of the airs he puts on as a ranked representative of the Tamamo Clan, it's usually just a sham. A facade to shield himself from those he hasn't felt ready to trust. Nie Huaisang hasn't felt like he was precious to anyone in years, not as himself. Aside from the man he's with now who has been one of the few who's ever really seen value in him.

"It took me a while to get used to it myself. But I don't mind them. I think They are pretty." His ears wiggled a bit at the comment.

"I'm glad. I love holding you." his hands snake around to his back, protectively holding him. "If you like I can glide them across your skin. Allow you to feel their softness." the tip of one pressed against the side of his face.

"You deserve to feel good, That you are precious and loved. And if I have to kiss and caress every last bit of you with my lips or my tails, I will. I'll do it until you begin believing it. These beautiful artists' hands deserve kisses. That lovely neck of yours deserves them too. The hollow of your throat right here looks like it could use one as well." he leans forward to kiss him just at the space between his collarbones.

"Let me love you, Allow me to protect you and worship you like you deserve to be."

Nie Huaisang shivers and sighs at each of those touches, feeling the tension he's been bottling up slowly start melting away. He didn't used to be this serious or uptight all the time but it's an inevitability when those with little love for power or responsibility wind up in positions where they have to bear both.

"I know you wanted me to take you but I'm not sure I have that in me tonight," he murmurs apologetically. "I've been wound so tight lately."

Of course, he'll return the favor but he's been working so hard, right now he just wants something slower and more leisurely. At least, until Nie Huaisang's own passionate nature gets the better of him and he decides to take charge of the situation.

"It is alright my love. Whichever is more comfortable for you.

Give me a moment so I can take this plug out then. It'll keep brushing awkwardly otherwise. How about we take your clothes off and I can heat up some oils and rub some of that tension loose for you?" he pulled away gently standing up kissing his lips gently.

"Get undressed in the meantime and I'll get the oils ready and warm." he slipped away to the bathroom to take out the jeweled plug. It was getting a bit uncomfortable now, the heaviness weighing on him. When he came back out he had a tray of warm floral oils in his hand and set t down on the side table.

By the time Jin Guangyao returns, Nie Huaisang is sprawled naked on the bed, hair loose and flowing across the comforter. His eyes are closed as he pillows his head on his arms, not terribly unlike he used to when napping when he was supposed to be studying in his youth.

He's not asleep though, just resting and meditating to try and clear his mind of as many intrusive thoughts as he can. Jin Guangyao deserves his full attention and focus for this after going through all this for them.

"Goodness. You are breathtaking my love." his voice was soft as he sat down next to him. He took some breaths allowing his qi to move to heat his hands a bit, feeling its flow through his meridians. With a bit of heated oil, he began to work, dripping it down along his spine and then using his thumbs to gently work on any knots that may be present.

"Are there any areas you want me to avoid or be careful around?" he asked softly.

"No, you have free rein," he replies just as quietly.

It's a very big show of trust in the other, a significant gesture in this renewal of their relationship. Nie Huaisang is completely vulnerable in this state - by personal choice rather than forced circumstances such as when he'd been injured and in need of help.

There's certainly quite a bit of tension in his neck, shoulders, and around his upper spine but it's slowly ebbing beneath Jin Guangyao's massage. Honestly, he's needed to book services of his own for quite some time but hasn't, forgetting in his focus on work that they were available to him, too.

As he gently rubbed the knots out of his skin he pressed soft kisses against them.

"You hunch forwards too much, we may need to stretch you out a bit more. Do you want to try some of my dance stretches? They help with this type of tension." he kisses the base of his shoulders and continues to work the knots, allowing some qi to flow within the sore muscles.

One of his tails gently moved up along his side to offset the warm sensation of his hands with the soft sensation of his tail.

His fingers moved along his lower back and pressed down a bit helping him realign some spots.

"You need more of this more often my heart."

Sensual creature that he is, Nie Huaisang savors those sensations, making a soft noise of approval. He really isn't the best at taking care of himself. He's continuously preoccupied or lost in his own head, looking at every little thing, every factor, analyzing and predicting its potential, and working out ways it can be used in some strategy or another. And that isn't counting the time he spends pleasing his clients or working out the kinks in plans in solitude.

"This feels really nice, A-Yao. Thank you," he murmurs a bit blissfully, allowing himself to just rest and enjoy the moment.

Nie Huaisang knows he needs to make space for himself in his own life somehow. He used to be good at it before he became clan leader but all that's fallen to the wayside in the past ten years.

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