jigokulogs | [semi-closed] the master of my own disguise

In most ways Jin Guangyao loved to serve. To know that he was useful. That he was wanted. He loved to show his love through touch and small acts of service. His fingers worked through his back. Undoing any knots underneath. He had a playful smile when he got to his butt.

"Oh goodness, Look at this lovely ripe peach I found. Such a succulent fruit warrents a nibble, don't you think?" Nie Huaisang did have a cute butt. His fingers trailed over the soft flesh. Placing soft hot kisses against it.

"Mmm, you did say that you wished to dine... If you're that hungry, go ahead," he replies, faintly teasing.

This really is just what he's needed to help him decompress. A nice, intimate cozy evening with a lover without it being work-related or needing to focus on meeting the other person's needs and desires at the expense of his own.

He took a nibble at the bottom of a cheek. His fangs were not deep enough to hurt or tear flesh but just enough to leave a nice red mark.

"Delicious. As delicious as I had imagined it to be. Such a perfect ripeness and sweet on the tongue." He went in for a second nibble. His fingers kneading at the flesh as he kissed and bit against him.

Oh.

Given his soft, harmless exterior and love of fancy things, one might assume that Nie Huaisang was just as fussy in bed. And to some extent he is with his insistence on setting the stage properly with a comfortable, romantic atmosphere and making sure everything's prepared before a sexual encounter begins. When it comes to the actual deed however, Nie Huaisang's very receptive to some rough loving. He welcomes a few bites and bruises to savor for a while after the experience is over.

"Have you been pondering the taste for very long, A-Yao? You sounded very eager in your note," he purrs.

“seeing that lovely peach being flaunted around our tiny apartment, one cannot help but hunger.” He teased, claws gliding down the backs of his thighs. His mouth moved to suckle little love bites against the sensitive flesh.

“‘I want to taste you everywhere my heart. Will you allow me?” The tip of his tongue brushed against the underside of his butt.

” Please allow me to see.”

Nie Huaisang lets out a breath, shuddering pleasantly at each of those bites and the feel of those claws trailing down his skin. Warmth begins to build in him, unfurling slowly in his belly.

"You may. Tonight, I belong to only you."

It's the most Nie Huaisang can promise at this time.

"I love it when you touch me. No one knows how to do it right except you."

“Good. I plan to devour you utterly. Spoil you until your voice is hoarse. I want to be relentless, even if you beg.” He peeked up at him his vulpine features giving off a more predatory look. “‘I love touching you.”

He lifted his hips up a bit before flipping him onto his back, having Huaisang’s legs rest in his shoulders, before placing a flurry of heated kisses along his inner thighs. He was so pale and soft here. His lips ghosted over the juncture of his hips before avoiding his sex to kiss and nip over his belly, dipping his tongue into his naval.

He purred softly the sound rumbling from deep in his chest. “‘yes I think this position is better. I like seeing you cute face.”

There are certain parts of him that have never seen sunlight, for sure. What Nie Huaisang lacks in muscles, he makes up for by being pleasantly round and soft. His clients seem to enjoy his physique well enough and it pleases him to see his lover react with equal enthusiasm.

"Mmm, that feels very good. Has anyone ever told you that you're very sexy like this? I feel like you're gonna eat me right up and enjoy every moment of it."

Since becoming a courtesan, Nie Huaisang's learned quite a bit about himself, mainly that he's developing new kinks he'd never really considered before. He reaches down to pet those vulpine ears, marveling at the soft fur and trailing fingertips where it blends into Jin Guangyao's hair.

"You were attractive before but these features suit you very well, indeed. They enhance your looks even more."

His lover was the most beautiful man indeed. His eyes moved over him drinking him in. The sharp intellect, combined with the softness of him. He loved this man so much.

Though at the compliment, he blushed deeply. His ears twitched under his touch. The subtle motion making his tails wag in happiness despite himself. He didn’t quite think about them too much these days they were as much a part of him as they were Koemi’s. "Do you really think so?”

He felt the warmth pooling in the bottom of his belly. His body was already reacting. His eyes fell on his face as he licked a trail against his chest. He stopped to suckle at a pert nipple.

His breath catches and he starts to pet those ears more fervently. They feel so soft and warm to the touch; whatever products Jin Guangyao uses are working wonderfully. One hand slides down to tangle in the other man's hair which is just as soft. He truly is the best of two worlds, both ruthless and loving and the sight of those wagging tails truly entrance him. How else might he touch him to provoke such charming reactions? What a fascinating prospect.

"I think you look magnificent, A-Yao. Beautiful and powerful. It's hard to focus on anyone but you when you're like this."

Jin Guangyao crawled up, leaving a wet mark against his nipple to catch those delicate sweet lips in a heated kiss. Hearing those words and that sweet voice just made his blood burn hot. He wanted to spend all night pleasuring this sweet man. When he broke away he whispered.

"You're the one who is beautiful, my heart." He looked at him warmly. Taking his hand in his own he kissed his fingers one at a time.

"I want to drink you up," he stated before moving back down. Kissing along the way. "Would you let me taste you?"

It's so strange how they got to this point but can anyone truly predict how a situation like this will go until it happens to them? Nie Huaisang returns the kiss with equal passion and a yearning denied for far too many years. When Jin Guangyao says he's beautiful and acts like he's the most precious treasure in the world, he desperately wants to believe it. That the world they left behind was always wrong about him and he is good enough for something, for someone.

"Please. I want you to. Touch me everywhere and anywhere. Just don't stop."

Edited 2022-07-29 02:46 (UTC)

It was odd to be certain, just to love and allow himself to be loved like this. His fingers moved to caress his inner thigh. Starting at the base he began to lick up the shaft of Nie Huaisang's cock. He was glad he had some practice with this with Julietta's toy. He would need to be very aware of his fangs.

His tongue danced over the head of his arousal, swirling along the tip, before moving down to suck it properly. His eyes darted up to look at his face.

The tip's already starting to leak a little, his brow furrowing as he focuses on that gentle caress along his inner thigh. His face flushes as he meets Jin Guangyao's gaze.

He almost can't believe they're doing this now after everything they've done to each other in the past ten years but at the same time, he doesn't want to stop. He wants to keep going down this weird path he's found himself on with Jin Guangyao and see where it leads.

"That feels good. Really good," he mumbles, hips arching forward despite himself.

He could not help but catch some on his tongue, swirling over it before taking all of him in. He was amazed at how very much he wanted this. Despite everything, all the murder and betrayal between them. This was Huaisang. The sweet boy who would run up and ask for presents. He couldn’t help himself he would always want to help him, pet him and soothe him. He took all of him to the base. Following his cheeks out and sucking gently. At the sound of his voice he moved faster his fingers trailing over his testicles.

His free hand squeezed at a plump cheek.

He closed his eyes and fell into the rhythm.

He tries to keep his mind clear, trying to push aside the anxiety of what his ancestors would think of him now. What his brother would think. He needs this, too. He wants to enjoy it and relax and not think about how messy and complicated everything about their relationship is now.

His fingers tremble as they comb through Jin Guangyao's hair. Even allowing him this many liberties with him now is a lot. And the other man's mouth feels good on his cock, pleasurable and satisfying in a way sex with his clients usually doesn't.

"I love you," he murmurs, sounding confused and almost pained by the admission. It almost feels like gravity has abandoned him, leaving him feeling unstable in a way he hasn't since he'd held Jin Guangyao's bloody hat in his hands after the final confrontation at the temple.

They were complicated. Thier bond was forged in blood and fire, they had hurt one another and their families beyond repair. Did this feel like a betrayal to Qin Su? It did. But was there a point in dwelling on that?

This was for them. Not Da-ge, not A-Su. But for them to work through and try to heal what was broken.

At the sound of the anxiety in his voice, he stopped. He pulled off with a soft pop and a final lick on the head. He regarded him gently. He was shifting up to come face to face with him. He pressed his lips against the other man's temple.

"I love you too. Let me know if anything feels too overwhelming." his voice was soft and serious. His fingers brushed through his hair gently. His hands moved over his body, gently caressing him. He wanted to him to know that he was in control of what happened tonight, that if it was too much they could pause or stop.

He lifted Huaisang's hands to his lips and kissed them, one knuckle at a time.

No matter what feelings exist between them in the present, the dark history between them is a painful reality from which neither of them can truly escape. Just because they're the only ones from their world now doesn't mean it'll always be that way. Before he'd disappeared, Wei Wuxian had made an inquiry into their relationship, seeking an answer he hadn't been prepared or able to give. The possibility that others from their world with similar questions might show up among future Lost Souls and do the same is one that's impossible for him to ignore.

Even so, the gentle ministrations are soothing his nerves again and he finds himself relaxing a little once more. Surely, this must be frustrating for Jin Guangyao after setting this all up, making it clear from the start that he was ready and eager to take things to the next level. And Nie Huaisang is trying his best but as with many things throughout his life, it doesn't seem to be enough.

"I'm sorry, A-Yao, I don't know if I can go through with this. I want to. There's never been anyone else for me like you. I don't think there ever will be again but I can't just forget. It's always there like a shadow in my mind and it never leaves."

His own frustration with himself is clearly evident in his voice. Why can't he just let things go? Even when logically and rationally he knows it's pointless to keep clinging to it? Even when all it's done throughout his adult life is simply make him fretful and miserable? It's stupid. He knows it's stupid yet he can't stop.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Then he starts to cry, disgusted with himself.

“We don’t have to. It’s alright Huaisang. I do not want anything that you are not ready to give.” His voice was soft, soothing. His lips pressed against his temple once more.

He supposed it made sense, one cannot go through the bloody history they had shared without some wounds. The rejection stung a little but it wasn’t about him and he knew it. He had to take a breath and remind himself it wasn’t because he saw him as dirty.

The important thing was to make sure that Huaisang was okay.

“‘it’s okay, let it out. You must have held it in for so long. You don’t have to be sorry. You’re perfect as you are. Sex is intimate and this is a lot. I have no expectations other than to make sure you are well. Do you want me to hold you? Maybe verbalizing what is coming up will help. We can work though the feelings at least.”

He's not okay.

He hasn't been okay since... Honestly, has he ever been okay? Truly? Has there ever been a time Nie Huaisang didn't keep secrets from the people around him? And the only people he'd had to turn to had been the fairweather friend who hadn't been nearly as good at concealing his impatience for Nie Huaisang's struggles as he'd thought and the man who'd murdered his brother.

He certainly hasn't been okay since the day he'd witnessed the Daitengu's "assassination" and seen a frightening glimpse of his own future if he didn't change. The faction leader's return from the dead might've been a relief but it hadn't erased the trauma that had been brought back to the surface or the effects it continued to have on his life.

Nie Huaisang hears the words but he can't even form words. Instead, he just keeps clinging to Jin Guangyao and crying silently into his shoulder. He might need a moment to gather himself before he can speak.

Edited 2022-08-16 20:47 (UTC)

In all truth Jin Guangyao wan not quite okay either.

But he put on a lovely veneer of being fine most of the time. It was easy to put all of his issues in separate boxes, labeled, and filed. To be casually examined later. ~~He did that with Nie Mingjue's head too didn't he? He loved him, He hated him.~~ Neat little boxes that held horrors inside. Perfectly shelved, perfectly organized. Some he did not even dare to poke at. Lan Xichen. How could you? Push that one back into the dark corners of his mind.

He didn't really know what box Nie Huaisang fell into. It was as messy as the other boxes he fit his loved ones into. Brother/Killer Friend/Enemy. Sister/Wife. Son/Nephew. There were so few people he was allowed to love in an uncomplicated manner. And so few who could love him in the same way.

Did he even deserve that?

Today he was trying to push past his own issues with intimacy and sex. He did not want to be defined by his trauma. But every time he gets on stage and dances the steps his mother did he is reminded of it. When he pushed himself to serve clients, he broke. And all he does was try to please others. To be everything for everyone.

Where is he in that? Who is he now? A man who had a mutable identity who is now merged with a Yao? Did he know? Where did he end and Koemi begin?

Outwardly he stayed quiet and ran his fingers through Huaisang's hair, allowing him to sob into his shoulder. He made soft soothing noises as well, circling an arm around his back.

He knows it's hard for Jin Guangyao, too. That meeting him here and being in the same clan can't be any easier in a practical sense. That Nie Huaisang's presence in his life at this stage must be complicated for him, too. He took everything from him; he ruined the man's life. Yet Jin Guangyao is still here, letting him cry and soothing his nerves the same way he always did. He still shows him empathy, love, and affection after everything.

"I don't understand why you want me now. Why you care for me after everything I did. I hurt you. I betrayed you. But you're still here. Is it because I'm familiar? Because I'm here? I don't understand."

He's ruining this romantic evening, one that was clearly meant to be special and set them on a better, happier path but it's not in him to turn a blind eye to the reality before him, no matter how he feels anymore.

"I'm not him. I'll never be him."

Which him is he talking about? Lan Xichen or Nie Mingjue? Not even he knows at this point.

“You did.

It’s not because you are familiar. Or because you are here.” He took a deep breath and let it go. Trying to gather his thoughts. The dam he had built around Lan Xichen and Nie Mingjue began to break bit by bit. Tears began to form in his large gold eyes.

“I know you are not him. I want you because you are not. I just. I get it. How it was for you. And I think you see me. Were the only one who ever saw me. Both of them only saw what they wanted to see. A villain or a bodhisattva, nothing in between. Even telling them fell on deaf ears. I was a mirror to them. Be righteous A Yao, Be good. You're evil Meng Yao. You deserve to die. I just… Even in the end, Lan Xichen’s betrayal hurt more. I know why you did what you had to do. I had given you no choice. But...” he pressed a hand over the ugly scar Shouyue left.

“I don’t understand, it still hurts so much. I think I hate him and love him, and it’s the same for Da-ge. I twisted myself to pieces for them, built his home perfect for them, and saved their lives but they wanted me to die, at the end of it. After years of just not listening.” The tears were fully streaming down his face.

“I understand your grief and rage. I understand filial loyalty. I’m here because I know what it is like. To hate so much that you want to raze it all down in a great fire. I have felt that before. Let that madness take over me when I sent those women to their death.

But I was never like them. My sworn brothers.

You are like me. I want you for who you are. Perceptive, sweet, talented man. The one who sees me. I am ugly and broken. I am a bastard whoreson who killed his own father. But you know and you see. I don’t have to hide, like I did with Da-ge, with Lan Xichen, with A-Su.

I’m just tired of pretending.”

Edited 2022-08-17 02:22 (UTC)

Those words are comforting, even if the tears make him feel a little guilty for making him cry, too. it makes sense to him. Nie Huaisang can follow the logic, he thinks. He understands all too well to understand the appeal of not having to pretend to be someone else or conform to another's expectations, especially when the mold they want simply doesn't fit. And it helps to hear that Jin Guangyao understands the madness grief and rage can bring.

They really are the same now, aren't they?

After a moment, Nie Huaisang brushes away those tears and starts spreading soft kisses down their tracks. In between, he continues to speak quietly, trying to be honest, trying to let it all out.

"i'm scared. I'm scared my ancestors will never forgive me. That Da-ge won't. If I'm with you after everything that happened. Loving you hurts, it's always hurt. At first, it was because Da-ge would never approve and you never saw me. Then it was because it felt like I was betraying my brother. My clan. And now I'm betraying them again."

Maybe if he just says it out loud, he can let it go. Acknowledge that it's real and finally start to move on. He'd made up his mind already. He'd made a choice and he doesn't intend to go back on it but it's still hard for him to process and accept.

"I'm a terrible sect leader. My first taste of freedom and I fall to temptation so easily. They'd all be ashamed of me for shirking my duties."

He nods slowly allowing him to kiss and wipe the tears away. His fingers find his hair and press through it gently. He's quiet as he listens.

"I understand. I do. I'm scared too. I don't know if Qin Su will forgive me. Or if she'll hate me even more. It's only been ten months, since. And Here I am in bed again. How could I have been a good husband to her?" His throat clenched a bit but he continued.

"I don't think love should hurt. Though every example I have seen in my life seems to have hurt people. I think the only people I've seen happy are Wei Wuxian and Lan Wangji. I don't want to hurt you more than I did already.

I don't think you are. Your duty is to survive. We aren't there. What can you do for your sect aside from surviving? How are you shirking your duties when you are working to the bone to fulfill a contract to alleviate your family's curse? So that Da-ge will be the last to go as he did?

If anything you're working too hard. I worry about your health." his fingers moved over his shoulders gently working out some tension.

"No matter what you do, you'll always be less of a shame than me, so there's that." this was an attempt at a joke.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

cw: ptsd references

CW: ptsd references as well. Canon incest.

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject