jigokulogs | [semi-closed] the master of my own disguise

"I know where he was coming from and how much he carried on him. I know that he carried on his shoulders not only himself but the lives of you and your clan. But he always acted that I could do as he did. That righteousness is afforded to people like us. Don't you think I wish I could have been like him or Lan Xichen?"

His voice was soft. He knew this was something they needed to talk about. And it was best they were having it now.

"I'm afraid that even if I had not killed him, his resentment towards me would have made him come after me regardless. I cut him up because he kept coming after me. Over and over, until all, I could be to subdue his parts. I know.

I know I killed you too. I lied to myself that you would be safer, that I would have been able to help you through your growing pains as sect leader. I lie to myself about a lot of things. It makes the hard things more bareable." he took a breath in and let it go.

"I was scared. I was so scared of him and I know if I did not kill him, he would have killed one of us in his rage. It was more likely to be me, but after the fan burning I could not rule you out either. I know it is no excuse. I know I hurt you so much.

I hate our world. How is it that I feel like I can live with more respect and dignity here in diyu than I ever did in life?

I do have to ask you something Huaisang."

Nie Huaisang understands how the other man feels and somehow it just makes the truth hurt more. How often over the years had he thought similarly? Always wishing he could be stronger like his brother or smarter and more talented like his friends? How many times in their youth had he overheard Jiang Cheng complain about not being able to compare with Wei Wuxian when his scores were still always so much higher than his own? How many years had he gone thinking there was something wrong with him because he couldn't do anything as well as anyone else? He'd tried so hard to do everything the way his brother and seniors thought he should only to fail over and over again.

He even understands the fear. The day his brother had finally followed through on his threats to destroy his beloved art collection he'd been building over years. They hadn't been just material things to him; their meaning had run so much deeper than that. They'd been symbolic that there was nothing wrong with him, that he was worth something. That there was someone out there that cared for and valued him just the way he was and didn't expect him to be anything other than himself.

His eyes begin to water as he remembers the flames from that day, his tearful pleas for Nie Mingjue to stop, his desperate lunge into the bonfire to save something, anything. He'd felt like the very core of his being was burning along with those precious gifts. That Nie Huaisang's own soul was being destroyed and reduced to ash by his brother's hand. He'd hated his brother that day, too, and all through the months of conflict that followed, Nie Mingjue unwilling to bend and his little brother frantically trying his best to survive the personal hell he saw his life becoming.

While his mind races and his own long, repressed anger and resentment toward Nie Mingjue bubbles to the surface, he lays there very still and quiet, just trying to process it all. AFter a while, he asks softly:

"What is it?"

Edited 2022-07-09 07:21 (UTC)

He reached out and took his hands in his own. He knew what it was like to have to hold things back for a lifetime. This was painful and it needed to be done. To lance a festering wound to allow the bad things out so they could heal properly. This was hard but he wanted him to know that he was not doing anywhere.

He was scared of the answer but he had to ask it.

"I am going to bring my mother back into a place that is kinder.

I have to know. Where is her body?" his voice cracked, he knew what could have been done to her, but he needed that confirmation.

"It's gone. Burned to ash. Her ashes are stored in a box in my private chamber next to your hat."

Despite all his talk about desecrating Jin Guangyao's mother the way his brother had been at the temple, he hadn't been able to go through with it in the end. Oh, he'd certainly planned to scatter her bones where they'd never be found initially but in the end, he couldn't bring himself to cross that line. Meng Shi had been innocent like Qin Su had been, like Sisi and her sisters had been. If he'd done such a thing, he would've been no better than the enemy he'd wanted to punish and destroy.

"There was no time to do anything else and it evened that score."

Both of their deceased loved ones had been out of reach and incapable of ever returning to them at that point.

His chest felt like it was closing up. True it was marginally better than her being desecrated but being burned meant that she would never ever return.

Unconsciously his tails curled in on himself as if it were a protective shield. A pseudo womb to keep himself safe in. His fingers dug into his own flesh. He knew it couldn't be helped but after everything, it still hurt. When he spoke his voice cracked.

"It is so unfair. Mama was always defined by the men who would use her body. The fact that she was smart, kind, and compassionate meant nothing to anyone. She was always objectified, by the value of her flesh. Even after death, she is objectified by her relation to a man. She deserved so much better in life. She deserved dignity. If she were a man she would have been a scholar or a poet. But because she was sold when she was young to pay for her family's debts. She put her trust in a man who fooled her and a son who was too young to get her out of her servitude. She suffered so many indignities in her life to make sure I lived.

I just wanted her to reincarnate better."

A hiccup and a soft wrecked sob.

"People were right, she should have killed me in the crib. The women in my life only suffered upon knowing me. A-Su was cursed the day she met me, and Mama suffered because of me. Even now she suffers because of me.

No matter what I do or how hard I try it can only be this. Is bringing them back more cruel? It's selfish. I am a curse to any who know me."

Koemi started to make soft worried yips, the sound coming between his sobs.

Nie Huaisang caused this pain but he accepts it. He'd understood the devastation it would cause Jin Guangyao in the end when he took up this task. As pitiful as the lives of Meng Shi and her son had been, they weren't the only ones who'd suffered an unjust fate. Sisi and her sisters had suffered just as cruelly, objectified and devalued by this man. Jin Guangyao had taken away the agency of his mother's own friend and used Sisi's sisters to murder his own father before having them silenced forever.

What Nie Huaisang had done to Meng Shi had not been fair but he'd treated her with as much kindness as a sect leader of the Qinghe Nie was capable of in retaliation for crimes against his family. A quiet cremation and private prayer for the soul of a woman caught in the middle of a battle between feuding clan leaders was the best outcome she could have had in the circumstances her son had brought down upon them both.

Someone had needed to hold him accountable for his crimes. It was unfortunate for both of them that this task had fallen to Nie Huaisang. Neither of them were happy with the results yet both of them had no choice but to live with them.

"Dying now won't accomplish anything. We decided together that the matter was already settled. We chose to break the cycle, learn from our mistakes, and do better in the future. What's done is done and can't be undone. The past is what it is and will always be there behind us but we still have options. We can choose not to dwell on it and move on from it."

It's hard to be kind with the memories of all those years of loneliness and helpless despair as he'd spent so many years searching for Nie Mingue's remains, wanting only to bring him home so his brother could rest peacefully and reincarnate into a better life, too. His own horror at finding only an arm and realizing his soul had been split asunder along with his body still haunts him to this very day. But this was the path they both chose, as difficult as walking it together might be.

"For what it's worth, I'm truly sorry that it had to end that way. For both our sakes and your mother's as well."

He did. In his anger and madness at his father, he saw those women as only other whores who were cruel to and still gossiping about his mother. His father's death was a punishment to both parents and in his madness and rage, he nearly realized these women were like his mother until he had seen Sisi's face.

"I did not say I wanted death, now. I think it would have been best had I not existed in the first place." let the cultivation world eat itself. Let Lan Xichen get killed by the Wens and the war crush the rest of the cultivation world under its heel. For a bit, he thought about all the pivotal moments his life influenced and how much of himself he gave to a world that wanted him dead. Fuck them.

Koemi stepped in. Wrapping herself around him trying to soothe the edges of his rage and sadness within her own fur. Her voice came from his lips. She noted the other boy needed to be soothed as well and wrapped a tail against him too.

Shhh. Shhh. Now Yao-Kun, You're slipping back to the kind of thinking that had hurt you in the first place. Sang-Kun is trying his best too and is hurting badly as well. You both did your best under the circumstances. My little kits you are both hurting so much. My poor babies.

Jin Guangyao let out a soft whimper, a sniffle at the soothing. Even in Hakagemachi Koemi had soothed him through the worst bit of mental anguish he faced.

"I know it isn't your fault. I'm not mad about it. I am just sad for Mama. I miss her so much. I'm sorry Huaisang, I never wanted to hurt Da-ge. I loved him. I never wanted to hurt you either. I love you." he somehow sounded younger as he spoke. The tails moved of their own accord and stroked at both the men softly.

Nie Huaisang's experience with comforting, maternal figures has been limited at best. He'd been a child when both of his mothers had died, first Mingue's followed by his own. So much of his upbringing had been handled by clumsy, inexperienced hands after losing his father, too. For all his complicated feelings, he can't really blame Nie Mingjue. Taking on the very daunting tasks of leading a sect and looking after a skittish, sensitive child as a teenager himself hadn't been easy.

He welcomes Koemi's soothing, mediation, and insight into a complex situation that would probably send most humans reeling with confusion. None of them had asked to be placed into this mess, not him, not Jin Guangyao, not even Nie Mingjue. His brother had been just as locked in as he himself was. There's so much he wants to say to his brother but he's not here. He's been gone for a long time and most of the lingering anger and resentment inside him now is directed toward him, not the broken man here with him now.

"I love you, too. I know it's complicated. None of us were born free. The clan system is stupid and awful and unfair. It doesn't do anybody any good. The school system was much better. Everyone would be better off if bloodlines didn't matter so much."

It's the kind of social concerns that Nie Huaisang doubts most Lost Souls from other worlds can understand but one that's very important to him. It's also the kind of deep thinking few people back home have ever realized he was capable of.

"It just holds everyone back from taking paths that would make them happy."

If he does somehow wind up going back and ends up Chief Cultivator, maybe he could push an agenda to restore the school system.

"I hate it. I hate that we had to go through that. I thought that things would be better after the war. But at the end of it, it wasn't. During peacetime, we just devoured one another. We were feasting on one another like bugs on a carcass." he moved closer to his complicated lover and leaned against him.

"I think so too. I doubt it'll change. the existing power structure allows families to consolidate power. The Wens knew that when they started it. And those in power really hate losing it. They'll use me as a cautionary tale about why a commoner shouldn't be allowed to learn cultivation. You know they will." he took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"I think I have a lot of feelings I still need to work through. I don't know if given a chance I would want to incarnate back there again."

"Maybe we reincarnate across worlds. In a place like this, it seems like anything is possible."

It's been a lot to adjust to. Many seem to come from softer worlds filled with conveniences he never could have even conceptualized back home. It's one thing to have to learn under pressure as a matter of survival but it's a little harder for him to manage during peacetime. Maybe he's just used to constant stress and steep learning curves.

"It'd be nice to reincarnate someplace beautiful where life isn't so complicated or hard."

He's tired of thinking so he just cuddles closer and shuts his eyes.

"I was thinking that too. Many of my friends are from different places. Why would that not be possible? I would want to live happily with a family if my contract ends up being fulfilled.

Somewhere small and secluded. Perhaps near a town so I can work as a scribe, and you as a painter. Mama wouldn't have to work at all and can play with a song all day, No one will judge them or A-Su. Koemi will continue to be her silly self.

Hey brat!" His arms wrapped around the other's and pulled him in close.

"It is a nice dream, right? Or we can build a life here. Get a bigger place. All I want is home, and family. A place to feel safe and people I love."

"It is a nice dream. And I'm tired of wasting years on stuff I don't want to do."

Once the school's organized and ready, he'll be able to step back and focus on the career he actually enjoys and wants to advance in. Building a life here appeals to him more and more. He doesn't even need to climb through the ranks to live well here. The cash bonuses and small mountain of reward vouchers they've managed to accumulate together is proof of that. They just need to stay beautiful and keep those clients happy and satisfied in their care.

He slips his arms around him, his expression soft.

"I wonder how much it costs to buy a house here. Young Master Gao has some real estate connections... It might be nice to make some plans of our own."

"Me too."

In many ways, this place was kinder than it was back home. No one judged him for his work and he was exhausted as a beauty. No one looked down on him either and he was happier here than he was in many places.

"It is certainly something to look into. Perhaps we can save for one. Maybe even save a room for Da-ge if he ever shows up. I'll give him a piece of my mind but I would like for him to learn how to actually relax. We can bully him with calligraphy and no saber practice if you like.

I do miss him too. How he used to be."

"He'd be useless in the Tamamo Clan," Nie Huaisang says bluntly, softening his words with a brittle laugh. "He has no subtlety, patience, or grace for such things. Can you imagine him working as a host? It'd be a total disaster."

But deep down, he wants to see his brother again more than anything. To be able to sit and paint while Nie Mingjue did his own thing. To be able to have his brother look at him and recognize who he is. To know who he himself is. There isn't a day that passes that he doesn't miss him or isn't keenly aware of the holes in his life where Nie Mingjue's supposed to be.

He blinks back sudden, unexpected tears. How long has it been since he's cried for real or wept for his big brother's passing? There's always been so much work he's had to do. Existing as Sect Leader Nie never leaves much room for him to simply be Nie Huaisang.

"He would be such a mess. In subtle conversation. Perhaps he can be a bouncer or in one of the restaurants." he laughed as well softly.

There were holes in all of them whether they were brothers by blood or oath. At his tears, he just wrapped his arms around the other and pulled him in closer. His fingers moved through his hair. He held him like this when Da-ge died.

He leaned forward to place little kisses along his hair.

"You can cry. It's okay."

[semi-closed] the master of my own disguise

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cw: allusions to mental/emotional abuse

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cw: talk of cremation, mention of desecration of the dead

cw: prostitution, self hatred, talk of infanticide and suicidal ideation.

cw: mention of abduction, mass murder

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