jigokulogs | [semi-closed] the master of my own disguise

He loved having Juli around and it was good to have her safe with them but It was also nice to be alone with Nie Huaisang. They had so much they had not had the chance to discuss or move through. And they will have to keep communicating if their relationship was going to work.

With a soft sigh, he came into the main room from the kitchen, slipping into the covers of the futon, with two jars of wine in his hands. He was dressed in a loose t-shirt and some sleep shorts, taking the convenience of modern clothing while he was in the house. It still felt a little scandalous but he showed more skin at work and he no longer cared as much.

He plopped down against the pillows, crossing his legs as he sat.

"I figured we could both use this. It has been a month," he said smiling softly. "How are you feeling?"

Nie Huaisang needs breaks whenever he can take them for certain.

He's been working constantly since he arrived here and his partner's one of the very people he's allowed to see him struggle to keep up with balancing business with pleasure. Technically, he could entrust more planning to others but one doesn't recover from a decade of deception, paranoia, and mistrust easily and certainly not during the span of a few months in a new place where he's had little time or space to focus on himself or working through his own issues.

He doesn't regret having Julieta around at all or though or the time he spends giving any of his other clients time and space to feel cared for, special, and completely removed from their worries. The work can and often does take a lot out of him, natural introvert that he is. When he's with them, his focus tends to be on their needs rather than his own.

Still, he's quick to curl up on the futon next to his partner, wearing nothing but a pair of silk boxers, snuggling close and just resting his head on his shoulder. He knows they still have a lot to discuss about this, such as sketching out and defining boundaries among other things. The blood rain and dark energy overtaking the city and taking care of Julieta put things on hold for a little bit.

"It's definitely nice to have a little time to relax. I still have work to do but it can wait a little bit. It has been a month."

Edited 2022-07-07 06:33 (UTC)

"Well, only wine and cuddles will be had now. Let us leave the rest of Tamamo business outside where it belongs. This is our home. Our space to just be ourselves, right?" he leaned over to give him a soft kiss against his hair, placing the wine down in front of him.

"Mhmm your hair smells nice did you put in that new shampoo?" he smiled softly at his partner. Goodness, he was so soft and beautiful.

This was such a new space for them to occupy and so many questions lay between them. But they will try to make things through together.

The soft words and tenderness still have an effect on him after all these years. It'd certainly helped fuel his hatred and bitterness even more during his long, dark trek to justice. He probably would have taken Jin Guangyao down much sooner if he hadn't also somehow been the one person he could always count on to be there when he needed help. Shoving aside and ignoring those feelings hadn't been nearly as efficient as a longterm, coping mechanism as he'd wanted it to be back then.

At the moment though, Nie Huaisang's content to just rest and be content, allowing those dark shadows to remain at a safe distance for now and not think too hard about anything.

"I did. It's really nice, well worth the cost even if it was a little bit expensive. My hair hasn't been this soft or had this nice of a scent in a long time. I picked up some new lotions, too. I don't know if you saw them in the bathroom."

He speaks in soft, youthful tones, more like how he used to sound when he was younger instead of the timid, frazzled adult he's been on the surface for a while. After a moment, he adds:

"Do you think the beauty spas will be open for business again soon? I was thinking that it might be nice to use those vouchers on our next days off."

"I did, they all smell lovely A-Sang. I can't wait to try them. I think with our bonus, we can perhaps buy some of that nice silk. I want to embroider something for you." this was a nice life, talking about beauty products and clothing.

"I was assisting in cleaning the bathhouses, I hope they open soon too a spa day sounds wonderful. Doesn't it? I feel like I would probably just doze there. But I think we may need it. let us do it. We also have drink coupons." he laughs softly.

"Not a bad amount of free vouchers for shaking our asses on stage for a few minutes." he pressed his forehead against the other's, playfully.

"Though I'd give you coupons for that cute butt of yours." look he was being playful and forward now.

Nie Huaisang chuckles, too, smiling as he nestles in closer. Now that the outcome of the turf war is firmly in the hands of Tenkohime and her negotiators, he can finally focus on other aspects of living. It finally feels like he's settling in.

"It's fun work. Da-ge would never approve of it but he's not here to yell at me about it, either."

He's firmly not thinking about what might happen if his older brother somehow made his way here, even if after reconnecting with Wei Wuxian in his original body, the possibility of meeting him here as himself again one day has managed to kindle a tiny candle flame of hope in the back of his mind. And he's certainly not thinking about Lan Xichen showing up either.

"I want to learn how to do more. More sewing and designing and getting better at music and dancing, too. I've been getting great reviews from my clients but I wonder how high I can climb in this profession if I learn and apply myself more."

Admittedly, it is a bit of an ulterior motive for the school he's organizing and planning out. If the Tamamo Clan can train more tacticians, Nie Huaisang might not need to devote so much of his time and energy to that particular job. Contrary to what some might believe back home, he doesn't gain any particular joy out of playing with people's lives or maneuvering them around as game pieces. It just happens to be an area he's skilled at.

"But before anything else, I want a spa day and I promised Lady Musashi we'd go out for drinks after the storm ended. She needs some time off, too. Tenkohime gave me so many drink vouchers. I was thinking of maybe hosting a drinking party with them. Maybe I could find more clients if I do."

Edited 2022-07-07 11:16 (UTC)

"If you want I can teach you all of those things."

The mention of Nie Mingjue's disapproval sent a flare of white-hot anger through him. How long had he lived worrying about what that man would think of him, how Love did his lover suffer underneath that self-righteous asshole as well?

His voice was soft but cold.

"Who cares about what he thinks? If he ever did show his face I will hold a mirror to him so he can have a good long look at himself first. I refuse to be scared of him ever again. You deserve to have a good time and enjoy your work."

Nie Mingjue he could afford to think about. He should have never done the sworn brotherhood with him. Thier philosophies on life were just too different and as much as he wanted to repair the friendship it was never to be. Because at his core Nie Mingjue did not respect him as a person. It hurt to think about, but it was true. At the end of it, Lan Xichen was the same too. Both men had so much of an impact on his life but took so much from him, ripping him into two until he was this husk of a man.

He allowed so many that he had loved to just take and take from him.

He sighed softly and leaned against him.

"I think that is a good idea. but focus on resting for now."

The subject of Nie Mingjue is certainly a touchy one for both of them. How could it not be when his brother was at the center of so much conflict between them? It's not that he still holds a grudge over what happened; he's been sincere in his stance about putting the past behind them. However, the love and loyalty for his brother that drove him to take on so much alone are still very much real. Regardless of how their relationship changes or develops now, he's always going to be Nie Mingjue's little brother.

"I care," he says quietly, tone serious and subdued. "Da-ge and I will always be bound by flesh and blood. I'll always have an obligation to honor him and our ancestors in some degree. It's not something that I can just turn off or pretend doesn't exist."

His tone isn't confrontational or angry, simply resigned and matter-of-fact. It's just something that is and always will be. He wouldn't be Nie Huaisang without that deep, unshakable loyalty toward his ancestors and family.

"I know he wasn't perfect. Sometimes he was pretty awful, especially to us both. But In spite of that, he's still my brother. I can't help but want him to accept and be proud of me even if deep down, I know it'll never happen."

Even if Nie Mingjue were to miraculously arrive here like Wei Wuxian and Jin Guangyao did, he doubts his brother would understand him any more than he dd back then or approve of the lifestyle he's chosen for himself. Nie Mingjue is too traditional, too rigid, too judgmental, and too stuck in his own perspective to fully understand or respect ideals and philosophies like theirs. Nie Huaisang loves him but his brother had some pretty deep flaws.

"I understand your perspective. I do. I have also been bound to my filial loyalties to a man who didn't deserve it."His own father caused him so much pain. "If I didn't meet Zixuan-ge in Hakage Machi I would have perhaps wanted to burn everything down. A Jin is a Jin at the end of it and I chose to live for my brother and nephew."

He took a soft breath and let it go slowly. Nie Mingjue was a large shadow lurking between them. It was time, to be honest.

"I loved him, you know? I loved him so deeply. He was the first person who looked at me and saw me as a person who was worthy despite where I came from. There was a time I looked at him at the peak of what a cultivator was supposed to be. Fair and measured, someone who looked after the common folk. I loved him for that. I would have died for him back then. I would have stayed by him.

But he always had a nasty habit of walking in on private conversations and making decisions for me. When I worked for him, Lan Xichen asked me if I ever wanted to go to my father. I said I did but that I owed your brother so much. I already knew the difference between being with the Nie and being with the Jins would be... He walked in shoved a recommendation letter and told me to go to him instead. It was supposed to be a soft no. A polite refusal. Your brother overheard and just decided what was best for me without actually asking me. How could I say no? To throw such a gift in the face of someone of much higher status?

I had found a place I was happy. And he threw me away. He just thought he knew what was best like he always does and decided that was that." his voice cracked a little bit at that.

"I loved him so much and tried so hard. He saw me kill my commander, after working for months under his cruelty, sent to the frontlines who hoped I would die and had given an impossible task. He decided the only honorable thing for me to do was to die, to go beg forgiveness from my father for 'justice'. We both know what justice means for me. It always only meant death. He just always wanted death from me, like an angry ghost. He never stopped since that day.

Even after I won the war, and saved his life. I loved him. I loved him so much and he kept trying to kill me, over and over." he wasn't crying. It wasn't something that still hurt him.

"I tried everything to fix things. I really did. I told Lan Xichen and all he did was make excuses for him. He never acted unless Da-ge was running to kill me. When he kicked me down the stairs after I told him why we were different and how I could not be as privileged as him and how I had to do what I did to survive, he called me the son of a whore. He knew my history and still did it.

That was when I knew. I knew that no matter how much I loved him, how hard I work all he wanted was for me to die. that his illness was past the point of no return. The Nie Mingjue I met at Hejian would have never said such a thing. He would have never laughed cruelly as you almost immolated yourself. He never would have said the thing he said to you.

I loved him but I really hate him too. I am so tired of being defined by him, that ghost who never stopped chasing after me. I finally just let him. I refused to allow myself to be afraid of him again.

Huaisang, did you know why I had to cut him up?"

It's a hard talk but a necessary one and Nie Huaisang knows it. He's been skirting around it for months, just trying to focus on the more positive aspects of being together again and staying mindful of clan harmony to keep them both co-existing peacefully within it. So it's better to keep talking this out and process it properly. That means really listening to Jin Guangyao's words and respecting his point of view even if at some points during his speech, it's still a little difficult.

"I know your experience with Da-Ge was different from mine. You usually saw a different side of him than I did. But I know he was hard-headed. Close-minded. Stubborn. Rigid. He was always so strong. Good with the saber. Wise and capable as a leader, usually but... he didn't understand what it was like to be weak. To struggle under pressure or not be able to do things the way he did them or thought they should be done. There was a lot he didn't understand and a lot about life and those around him that he simply took for granted. He was the eldest, the heir, the sect leader. That's just the way the world works for those who are raised within it."

His voice is still soft and calm, still matter-of-fact.

"Everyone has their place and their role in society. The juniors are supposed to respect their seniors but they're under no obligation to reciprocate in kind. I'm not saying that it's right. I think it's pretty unfair and not very realistic but it's the way we're raised. It's how we're taught the way the world works. We're told this is the natural order of things. I'm not defending or condoning Da-ge's treatment of you, just explaining my own perspective on the situation."

It's hard to talk about this, so hard, and there's a slight tremor running through his body as he continues speaking. There's no anger or hate in his tone anymore, just a deep bewildered hurt and sadness.

"You cut him up because he was a fierce corpse, full of resentment toward you. But he wouldn't have been a fierce corpse if you hadn't murdered him. I loved you both more than anyone and you killed him. And that, in turn, killed me."

"I know where he was coming from and how much he carried on him. I know that he carried on his shoulders not only himself but the lives of you and your clan. But he always acted that I could do as he did. That righteousness is afforded to people like us. Don't you think I wish I could have been like him or Lan Xichen?"

His voice was soft. He knew this was something they needed to talk about. And it was best they were having it now.

"I'm afraid that even if I had not killed him, his resentment towards me would have made him come after me regardless. I cut him up because he kept coming after me. Over and over, until all, I could be to subdue his parts. I know.

I know I killed you too. I lied to myself that you would be safer, that I would have been able to help you through your growing pains as sect leader. I lie to myself about a lot of things. It makes the hard things more bareable." he took a breath in and let it go.

"I was scared. I was so scared of him and I know if I did not kill him, he would have killed one of us in his rage. It was more likely to be me, but after the fan burning I could not rule you out either. I know it is no excuse. I know I hurt you so much.

I hate our world. How is it that I feel like I can live with more respect and dignity here in diyu than I ever did in life?

I do have to ask you something Huaisang."

Nie Huaisang understands how the other man feels and somehow it just makes the truth hurt more. How often over the years had he thought similarly? Always wishing he could be stronger like his brother or smarter and more talented like his friends? How many times in their youth had he overheard Jiang Cheng complain about not being able to compare with Wei Wuxian when his scores were still always so much higher than his own? How many years had he gone thinking there was something wrong with him because he couldn't do anything as well as anyone else? He'd tried so hard to do everything the way his brother and seniors thought he should only to fail over and over again.

He even understands the fear. The day his brother had finally followed through on his threats to destroy his beloved art collection he'd been building over years. They hadn't been just material things to him; their meaning had run so much deeper than that. They'd been symbolic that there was nothing wrong with him, that he was worth something. That there was someone out there that cared for and valued him just the way he was and didn't expect him to be anything other than himself.

His eyes begin to water as he remembers the flames from that day, his tearful pleas for Nie Mingjue to stop, his desperate lunge into the bonfire to save something, anything. He'd felt like the very core of his being was burning along with those precious gifts. That Nie Huaisang's own soul was being destroyed and reduced to ash by his brother's hand. He'd hated his brother that day, too, and all through the months of conflict that followed, Nie Mingjue unwilling to bend and his little brother frantically trying his best to survive the personal hell he saw his life becoming.

While his mind races and his own long, repressed anger and resentment toward Nie Mingjue bubbles to the surface, he lays there very still and quiet, just trying to process it all. AFter a while, he asks softly:

"What is it?"

Edited 2022-07-09 07:21 (UTC)

He reached out and took his hands in his own. He knew what it was like to have to hold things back for a lifetime. This was painful and it needed to be done. To lance a festering wound to allow the bad things out so they could heal properly. This was hard but he wanted him to know that he was not doing anywhere.

He was scared of the answer but he had to ask it.

"I am going to bring my mother back into a place that is kinder.

I have to know. Where is her body?" his voice cracked, he knew what could have been done to her, but he needed that confirmation.

"It's gone. Burned to ash. Her ashes are stored in a box in my private chamber next to your hat."

Despite all his talk about desecrating Jin Guangyao's mother the way his brother had been at the temple, he hadn't been able to go through with it in the end. Oh, he'd certainly planned to scatter her bones where they'd never be found initially but in the end, he couldn't bring himself to cross that line. Meng Shi had been innocent like Qin Su had been, like Sisi and her sisters had been. If he'd done such a thing, he would've been no better than the enemy he'd wanted to punish and destroy.

"There was no time to do anything else and it evened that score."

Both of their deceased loved ones had been out of reach and incapable of ever returning to them at that point.

His chest felt like it was closing up. True it was marginally better than her being desecrated but being burned meant that she would never ever return.

Unconsciously his tails curled in on himself as if it were a protective shield. A pseudo womb to keep himself safe in. His fingers dug into his own flesh. He knew it couldn't be helped but after everything, it still hurt. When he spoke his voice cracked.

"It is so unfair. Mama was always defined by the men who would use her body. The fact that she was smart, kind, and compassionate meant nothing to anyone. She was always objectified, by the value of her flesh. Even after death, she is objectified by her relation to a man. She deserved so much better in life. She deserved dignity. If she were a man she would have been a scholar or a poet. But because she was sold when she was young to pay for her family's debts. She put her trust in a man who fooled her and a son who was too young to get her out of her servitude. She suffered so many indignities in her life to make sure I lived.

I just wanted her to reincarnate better."

A hiccup and a soft wrecked sob.

"People were right, she should have killed me in the crib. The women in my life only suffered upon knowing me. A-Su was cursed the day she met me, and Mama suffered because of me. Even now she suffers because of me.

No matter what I do or how hard I try it can only be this. Is bringing them back more cruel? It's selfish. I am a curse to any who know me."

Koemi started to make soft worried yips, the sound coming between his sobs.

Nie Huaisang caused this pain but he accepts it. He'd understood the devastation it would cause Jin Guangyao in the end when he took up this task. As pitiful as the lives of Meng Shi and her son had been, they weren't the only ones who'd suffered an unjust fate. Sisi and her sisters had suffered just as cruelly, objectified and devalued by this man. Jin Guangyao had taken away the agency of his mother's own friend and used Sisi's sisters to murder his own father before having them silenced forever.

What Nie Huaisang had done to Meng Shi had not been fair but he'd treated her with as much kindness as a sect leader of the Qinghe Nie was capable of in retaliation for crimes against his family. A quiet cremation and private prayer for the soul of a woman caught in the middle of a battle between feuding clan leaders was the best outcome she could have had in the circumstances her son had brought down upon them both.

Someone had needed to hold him accountable for his crimes. It was unfortunate for both of them that this task had fallen to Nie Huaisang. Neither of them were happy with the results yet both of them had no choice but to live with them.

"Dying now won't accomplish anything. We decided together that the matter was already settled. We chose to break the cycle, learn from our mistakes, and do better in the future. What's done is done and can't be undone. The past is what it is and will always be there behind us but we still have options. We can choose not to dwell on it and move on from it."

It's hard to be kind with the memories of all those years of loneliness and helpless despair as he'd spent so many years searching for Nie Mingue's remains, wanting only to bring him home so his brother could rest peacefully and reincarnate into a better life, too. His own horror at finding only an arm and realizing his soul had been split asunder along with his body still haunts him to this very day. But this was the path they both chose, as difficult as walking it together might be.

"For what it's worth, I'm truly sorry that it had to end that way. For both our sakes and your mother's as well."

He did. In his anger and madness at his father, he saw those women as only other whores who were cruel to and still gossiping about his mother. His father's death was a punishment to both parents and in his madness and rage, he nearly realized these women were like his mother until he had seen Sisi's face.

"I did not say I wanted death, now. I think it would have been best had I not existed in the first place." let the cultivation world eat itself. Let Lan Xichen get killed by the Wens and the war crush the rest of the cultivation world under its heel. For a bit, he thought about all the pivotal moments his life influenced and how much of himself he gave to a world that wanted him dead. Fuck them.

Koemi stepped in. Wrapping herself around him trying to soothe the edges of his rage and sadness within her own fur. Her voice came from his lips. She noted the other boy needed to be soothed as well and wrapped a tail against him too.

Shhh. Shhh. Now Yao-Kun, You're slipping back to the kind of thinking that had hurt you in the first place. Sang-Kun is trying his best too and is hurting badly as well. You both did your best under the circumstances. My little kits you are both hurting so much. My poor babies.

Jin Guangyao let out a soft whimper, a sniffle at the soothing. Even in Hakagemachi Koemi had soothed him through the worst bit of mental anguish he faced.

"I know it isn't your fault. I'm not mad about it. I am just sad for Mama. I miss her so much. I'm sorry Huaisang, I never wanted to hurt Da-ge. I loved him. I never wanted to hurt you either. I love you." he somehow sounded younger as he spoke. The tails moved of their own accord and stroked at both the men softly.

Nie Huaisang's experience with comforting, maternal figures has been limited at best. He'd been a child when both of his mothers had died, first Mingue's followed by his own. So much of his upbringing had been handled by clumsy, inexperienced hands after losing his father, too. For all his complicated feelings, he can't really blame Nie Mingjue. Taking on the very daunting tasks of leading a sect and looking after a skittish, sensitive child as a teenager himself hadn't been easy.

He welcomes Koemi's soothing, mediation, and insight into a complex situation that would probably send most humans reeling with confusion. None of them had asked to be placed into this mess, not him, not Jin Guangyao, not even Nie Mingjue. His brother had been just as locked in as he himself was. There's so much he wants to say to his brother but he's not here. He's been gone for a long time and most of the lingering anger and resentment inside him now is directed toward him, not the broken man here with him now.

"I love you, too. I know it's complicated. None of us were born free. The clan system is stupid and awful and unfair. It doesn't do anybody any good. The school system was much better. Everyone would be better off if bloodlines didn't matter so much."

It's the kind of social concerns that Nie Huaisang doubts most Lost Souls from other worlds can understand but one that's very important to him. It's also the kind of deep thinking few people back home have ever realized he was capable of.

"It just holds everyone back from taking paths that would make them happy."

If he does somehow wind up going back and ends up Chief Cultivator, maybe he could push an agenda to restore the school system.

"I hate it. I hate that we had to go through that. I thought that things would be better after the war. But at the end of it, it wasn't. During peacetime, we just devoured one another. We were feasting on one another like bugs on a carcass." he moved closer to his complicated lover and leaned against him.

"I think so too. I doubt it'll change. the existing power structure allows families to consolidate power. The Wens knew that when they started it. And those in power really hate losing it. They'll use me as a cautionary tale about why a commoner shouldn't be allowed to learn cultivation. You know they will." he took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"I think I have a lot of feelings I still need to work through. I don't know if given a chance I would want to incarnate back there again."

"Maybe we reincarnate across worlds. In a place like this, it seems like anything is possible."

It's been a lot to adjust to. Many seem to come from softer worlds filled with conveniences he never could have even conceptualized back home. It's one thing to have to learn under pressure as a matter of survival but it's a little harder for him to manage during peacetime. Maybe he's just used to constant stress and steep learning curves.

"It'd be nice to reincarnate someplace beautiful where life isn't so complicated or hard."

He's tired of thinking so he just cuddles closer and shuts his eyes.

"I was thinking that too. Many of my friends are from different places. Why would that not be possible? I would want to live happily with a family if my contract ends up being fulfilled.

Somewhere small and secluded. Perhaps near a town so I can work as a scribe, and you as a painter. Mama wouldn't have to work at all and can play with a song all day, No one will judge them or A-Su. Koemi will continue to be her silly self.

Hey brat!" His arms wrapped around the other's and pulled him in close.

"It is a nice dream, right? Or we can build a life here. Get a bigger place. All I want is home, and family. A place to feel safe and people I love."

"It is a nice dream. And I'm tired of wasting years on stuff I don't want to do."

Once the school's organized and ready, he'll be able to step back and focus on the career he actually enjoys and wants to advance in. Building a life here appeals to him more and more. He doesn't even need to climb through the ranks to live well here. The cash bonuses and small mountain of reward vouchers they've managed to accumulate together is proof of that. They just need to stay beautiful and keep those clients happy and satisfied in their care.

He slips his arms around him, his expression soft.

"I wonder how much it costs to buy a house here. Young Master Gao has some real estate connections... It might be nice to make some plans of our own."

"Me too."

In many ways, this place was kinder than it was back home. No one judged him for his work and he was exhausted as a beauty. No one looked down on him either and he was happier here than he was in many places.

"It is certainly something to look into. Perhaps we can save for one. Maybe even save a room for Da-ge if he ever shows up. I'll give him a piece of my mind but I would like for him to learn how to actually relax. We can bully him with calligraphy and no saber practice if you like.

I do miss him too. How he used to be."

"He'd be useless in the Tamamo Clan," Nie Huaisang says bluntly, softening his words with a brittle laugh. "He has no subtlety, patience, or grace for such things. Can you imagine him working as a host? It'd be a total disaster."

But deep down, he wants to see his brother again more than anything. To be able to sit and paint while Nie Mingjue did his own thing. To be able to have his brother look at him and recognize who he is. To know who he himself is. There isn't a day that passes that he doesn't miss him or isn't keenly aware of the holes in his life where Nie Mingjue's supposed to be.

He blinks back sudden, unexpected tears. How long has it been since he's cried for real or wept for his big brother's passing? There's always been so much work he's had to do. Existing as Sect Leader Nie never leaves much room for him to simply be Nie Huaisang.

"He would be such a mess. In subtle conversation. Perhaps he can be a bouncer or in one of the restaurants." he laughed as well softly.

There were holes in all of them whether they were brothers by blood or oath. At his tears, he just wrapped his arms around the other and pulled him in closer. His fingers moved through his hair. He held him like this when Da-ge died.

He leaned forward to place little kisses along his hair.

"You can cry. It's okay."

[semi-closed] the master of my own disguise

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cw: social inequality/political themes, mention of dismemberment

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cw: allusions to mental/emotional abuse

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cw: talk of cremation, mention of desecration of the dead

cw: prostitution, self hatred, talk of infanticide and suicidal ideation.

cw: mention of abduction, mass murder

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