jigokulogs | [ SEMI-CLOSED ] with your demons and mine, i've been yours from the start

(So he's going to aim it at him, too. He stands his ground and considers his options. He could back off, let Ryouma go and let him get worse and do whatever damage. Nah, that was never an option. No matter how much he avoids Ryouma and bullies him, he wouldn't leave him on his own. They are, for better or worse, connected by their stories.

He doesn't know that the gun is out of bullets but he knows he's been shot once before and that was before he had his true form back. It'll hurt like hell but he'll survive. Yes, he thinks his decision is made. He just needs to figure out his approach next.

Is this what Ryouma sees? It makes sense. The Ryouma he knew had been haunted by memories, too.)

You're a real pain in the ass, y'know that?!

(And he charges directly for Ryouma. It's careless and bold, a straight line right for him. Sometimes the safest way to get through fire is to go through it instead of around it.

He doesn't care about the manifestations. He doesn't even acknowledge them as real beings. They're just phantoms. He's dealt with those, too.)

[ it's not getting shot hizen has to worry about, at least. ryouma definitely tries to shoot but there are no bullets left to fire, so once again the gun just clicks uselessly as if to mock him. he can draw his sword but his hands are shaking and he can't get rid of the persistent worry that somehow that's not going to work. there was a time, when he was alive, that that might've been true. it's probably not much of a surprise that his wires would get crossed in the midst of all this.

what does pose more of an immediate threat are the swirling shadows that only become more turbulent around him as hizen gets closer. a dark shape seems to cling to ryouma's back, arms loosely draped around his neck, the inhuman qualities about "her" possibly making it difficult to realise that it's a woman at first. she is apparently a calming influence as ryouma settles down just having her there, but monstrous glowing eyes glare across at hizen from behind ryouma's shoulder. ]

If ya wanna kill me, you're gonna have t' go through the both of us.

(Abort, abort, abort. He grinds to a total stop, stumbling forward one, two, three steps before he shifts into a completely different position, his hand instinctively reaching for his sword. His hand hovers over it anxiously and he glares right back at those glowing eyes.)

What the hell is that?

(What's haunting Ryouma? He doesn't know but he feels like... this is the boss, isn't it? The real threat at the end of everything else he has to get through.)

Ah, that's right. You wouldn't know Oryou-san, would you?

[ because this is perfectly normal. he's just introducing someone to his wife who is definitely not part of the horrible curse manifesting itself as a snake monster formed out of ryouma's fondest memories. clinging to him like a parasite because he's almost inviting it to happen; it's been a miserable, lonely time in hell.

normally they would be distinctly two separate entities — at least in physical form — but it's difficult to tell where one ends and the other begins. far from the terror in his expression earlier, he looks aside at her fondly. ]

We've been separated for so long. I missed her so much! Still, I never doubted that we'd find each other again.

Oryou--

(It's not that he doesn't know the name. He just doesn't have a strong connection to it like he does for others. Still, he's at least aware enough of who he's talking about and growls. )

Get a grip. She isn't real.

(Direct, to the point.)

Ah. Pretty rude, ain'tcha?

[ he's not hearing it. she's as real to him as the genuine article. probably because the curse is affecting what he's made of, connecting in the same way and replacing the void where the real oryou should be with something. right now, it's enough. the absence of that pain is plenty to disguise what would feel wrong if he were in his right mind. ]

Show a little respect.

Ya just noticed?

(He's a bastard and he knows it!! But this isn't like Ryouma. The Ryouma he knows... would just take it. Do that weird thing he does sometimes when he gets a little too deep. Like Mutsunokami does when he laughs and says everything is fine while holding onto a broken gun left behind just for him.)

I ain't doing shit for that thing. (No, he will not back down from this. He's sizing up the manifestation now. That's it. That's his target? He can't tell where it ends or begins but... well, there's plenty to work with, still.) And you--

(Speaking to Ryouma directly,)

-- Aren't the one in control here.

(It's the opposite. He's lost it.)

Don't tell me what to do. D'ya even know what you're doing? D'ya even know what the hell ya did?!

(HE TRIED TO SHOOT AT HIM?)

That's different. I don't care what ya say t' me.

[ but hizen isn't wrong; ryouma never feels the need to defend her because she's perfectly capable of taking care of herself.

at the moment "she" is perched on his left shoulder, holding onto him loosely because it's not as if he's trying to escape. she is perfectly formed from his memories aside from where she doesn't speak. the real oryou has plenty to say to whoever; this one seems only to speak to ryouma. he doesn't seem to notice the discrepancy. ]

Dunno why I'm even botherin'. Ya ain't real anyway.

(He isn't real. He sputters because as wild as things are, he at least expected Ryouma to be able to acknowledge him as real. It's one thing to imagine things but it's something else to just... erase someone's existence, he feels like.)

I'm not real?!

(If he was smarter like sensei or knew more like Mutsunokami then maybe he'd have an idea of what to do here. Maybe he'd come up with a better plan or the right thing to say to get Ryouma to listen. But what Hizen knows right now is Ryouma isn't himself. He's shot Izo. His gun is out of bullets. He still has his sword. He is a danger to himself and others.)

If I ain't real then ya got nothing worry about!

(Damn it all he's going to do what he's good at. He's going to fight. He's going to win. And when he's finished, he's going to beat sense into Ryouma.

So he charges again, this time even going so far as to draw his sword but if Ryouma cares to notice at all, he'll see how he turns his blade to use the flat instead of the edge. He's going to aim right for that twisted shadow that has its grip on Ryouma.)

Well... dunno. I see people all the time. Can't tell who is an' who isn't anymore.

[ which is, you know, fine.

ryouma does notice, because ryouma won't let hizen just attack his oryou!!

fake or not, he has to respond to the threat! he still doesn't draw his sword, using his gun instead to deflect the strike. he's done it once before, when he was still human, so he's at least that confident. that definitely won't go the way it did last time or anything... ]

Don't do somethin' yer gonna regret later! Ya can't be the two of us together!

(Stupid gun. He curses when he strikes but he doesn't let that deter him. He knows the gun is empty. It's practically useless and all he has to do is make sure Ryouma doesn't draw his sword.

... He briefly wonders if there's a meaning to that. According to the stories, Ryouma never drew his sword. Even when he tried in his final moment, he failed. It's always been a significant part of Ryouma's story, especially in relation to the spirit that manifested from his sword.

He pushes back against Ryouma, refusing to back down.)

Take your own advice.

(He knows Ryouma has already done things he's going to regret.

He aims a good, hard kick at Ryouma's shin. Honor is for those privileged enough to never have to fight to survive. He's here to win.)

[ ryouma isn't accustomed to fighting dirty because he's not accustomed to fighting so that kick works as intended and makes him stumble hard. but "oryou" is, incidentally, a bit more than a harmless apparition as she is a lot better at mimicking the more monstrous aspects of her real counterpart than she is at the rest.

she swings fiercely at hizen, shadowy coils settling around ryouma as she refuses to part from him entirely and half-transforms instead. protective or... possessive? she's won a valuable prize, after all, and intends to drain him of all his energy like the parasite she is. so, hizen will have to go.

ryouma isn't too proud to let her take point like she always does. ]

(The shadow swings and Hizen instinctively pulls back. HIs hand reaches out to grab Ryouma's clothes but all he feels is his fingertips just barely brushing against fabric before he's totally knocked back. He rolls backwards and begins to pick himself up, scrambling back up onto his feet and kicking off for another charged attack.)

She isn't real! You're just dreamin' her up.

(He's chasing after the shadows now, aiming to cut through them and see if he can just sever them completely. Would that even work? He's used to fighting other spirits but they've always had physical forms like him...)

Are you the kinda guy that stops giving a shit about everyone else 'cause ya gotta dream?! (He knows Ryouma isn't. In his heart, he knows that isn't why Ryouma gave him away. He knows that isn't why he left Ryouma. He knows but--) Just gonna act like we don't exist 'cause ya got what ya want?!

[ "oryou" is real enough that hizen isn't just trying to cut through illusions, at least. it seems everything else that appears to be something else at least has the consistency it ought to be. mostly. long strands of hair feel more like cables when hizen slices through them and the ones he doesn't keep trying to entangle him. the rest of "her" is harder. tougher, though not as strong as the real thing, at least. ]

Why shouldn't I get what I want?! Do ya hate me so much the only way yer happy is if I got nothin' left in the end?!

[ he doesn't really believe anything like that, of course, but that doesn't stop him from saying things that might hurt right now. as hizen said, ryouma is not in control here. ]

(Then he cuts! Because it's what he's good at. For as much as he hates himself, it's times like this that he's grateful for his talent. He's good at slashing and he's stronger for it. Because he's strong, he can be useful to the people and for the causes that matter to him the most.)

Dumbass! (He's a nimble fighter and does his best to navigate through the shadows, trying to keep himself from becoming tangled and cutting himself free when caught,) I don't hate you!

(His goal is to get close enough to the root-- to Ryouma-- to sever this curse completely.)

Even if it's you--! (He can hear the final lines of a desperate story. "I haven't seen the new age yet! Created by Master Takechi and Ryouma! No social status! Everyone can live as they like! It'll be a peaceful world!") Even if it's you, I want you to have everything!

'Cause if ya got everything, that's more to share with everyone else!

(Or something. He doesn't know what he's saying. He feels like he's speaking for the sake of having something to say. He doesn't even know if his words make any sense without context right now.)

You wanna share it, too! I know you wanna. That's why ya gave a shit when they died! 'Cause you wanted to share the world with 'em too, right?!

(He hates this. This isn't even his stupid nightmare and that pisses him off so much. He's so angry... he screams and musters up all of his strength to pull through the shadows and charge at Ryouma directly.)

I—...

[ that's true, what hizen says. it resonates within him, because what is he if not the manifestation of all his ideals? it feels like something gives a little. ]

I did it... for them. For all of 'em. I said I'd carry their dreams...

[ the more hizen keeps pushing, the less "oryou" can manage to keep up with him. the curse itself could go on indefinitely since it isn't alive, self-perpetuating as long as no one gets to the bottom of what's going on, but it has a weakness. having bound itself to ryouma, it can only hold out as long as he can. all this fighting and forming and reforming itself consumes a lot of energy — it'll bleed him dry before it'll stop, never mind that being exposed to the stuff for too long is very bad for you anyway and it's been leeching into him like a poison all this time. it's probably lucky he's not human. ]

But I've been carryin' 'em for so long. I can't do it alone. She's a part'a me...

[ it's a last-ditch effort. if he has to defend himself against hizen directly, he doesn't have the strength anymore. ]

(The world twists, the streets shift, the people change. Aware of their misery, they embrace the promise of happiness, and they desperately hold on. Even if it means becoming something else, they won't give it up easily, and anyone that gets in their way is an enemy that needs to be removed for the sake of their happiness. Who needs a specialized hellscape when the curse can just have its way and remind him of another abandoned world? It doesn't matter because unfortunately for this stupid curse, Hizen specializes in this exact sort of scenario.

He can tell Ryouma is beginning to falter and it just strengthens his resolve.)

Then I'll cut her off.

(That isn't what Ryouma meant but he knows what needs to be done. He aims for the shadow right by Ryouma's shoulder, aiming to stab it right between those glowing eyes... and twists his blade.)

No! Wait! Hizen, please!

[ ryouma panics, desperate to make it stop. he's not in his right mind, but whatever pathetic, frantic struggle to push hizen away isn't ultimately enough. only ryouma could ever hear her speak and the same is true now, in "death". this is hell, after all, so it's not going to let him go unscathed. the turbulent mass of shadows writhes and boils before it all melts away in the bloody rain, dispelling at least the local illusion. ]

I'm sorry...

[ the way he says it, it's hard to know who he's apologising to exactly. the gold colour drains out of his eyes as well, which is a promising sign. however, without whatever the curse was doing to bolster his strength — or at least forcing him to keep moving — the fatigue hits him hard. the fact that he's bleeding from trying to foolishly grab the blade is not helping matters either, although that's harder to see directly since he's already drenched in it. in any case, he's about to end up on the ground in a second. ]

(He will not wait. He will not hesitate. That's how you get yourself killed and he has no plans of fucking up like that. Not now when he has a job to do.

The shadow twists and bubbles, melting away like ink or smoke. He can feel his sword coming loose from its target and he can hear Ryouma's whispered apology close to him. Even though he wasn't able to here "her," it feels quiet now. Peaceful? Even if everything feels frenzied and wild around him still.

He reaches out to support Ryouma; to keep him from falling. His legs buckle under the weight and he grunts. It shouldn't be this hard to keep someone like Ryouma upright but Hizen is also exhausted.)

Get it together. Gotta... get outta the rain...

(He tries to shift Ryouma's weight so he can lean on his shoulder and they can find a place to take cover.)

[ this must seem completely pathetic. he can barely stand and it takes him too long to pull himself together enough to even consider moving. it's like a weight settles on his shoulders again and his breathing is shaky until he figures out how to bear it again. ]

M' sorry... Hizen.

[ you should've just killed me. he thinks it, but at least he doesn't give voice to it now. instead, he tries to gather what strength he has because he can't keep leaning on hizen like this. he's still too stubborn and too determined to go his own way without help.

... which is a nice thought. and that probably makes it easier for hizen to shift his weight, but he hasn't figured out that he's not going to be able to manage getting anywhere alone no matter how much he wants to. his body just can't handle that right now. ]

It's fine, I'm fine. I got it. Y' can let me go now, y' know?

[ he is not fine. ]

(He manages to drag Ryouma over to-- of all places-- a clothes shop. Some shop that sells overpriced suits and offers expensive custom fittings. He's sure whoever owns this place is going to be really pissed off when Hizen smashes one of its large front windows with his sheath and begins to pick at the glass, all while still trying to keep Ryouma supported, )

Shut up. You don't tell me what to do.

(He's as mean as ever. Even a traumatic battle can't change his shitty manners. In his defense though, now isn't the time to be gentle or kind. It's more critical that they just get out the rain. Getting Ryouma inside is going to be a bit of a hassle. It takes setting him down on the display platform, stepping around him, and trying to drag him back inside without catching any of the glass. He knocks some of the display over and once inside, he just slumps Ryouma down on the floor against a wall.

They're soaked. Absolutely covered in the cursed rain but being out of it already seems to do something for Hizen. It's quieter in the shop when he isn't listening to the rain pouring all around him. He realizes how heavy he feels and he's sure Ryouma must feel worse considering how he'd been out longer (Hizen assumes, at least).

He takes a minute to just drink the silence and catch his bearings again before managing a very tired but still annoyed,)

Where're ya hurt?

(He isn't going to ask if he is or isn't. He just assumes he is.)

Edited 2022-06-13 06:34 (UTC)

[ not much for being dragged around other than to take it. he ends up where he ends up, relieved for the quiet as well. real, actual quiet. the rain is muted inside and there's no voices. no haunting, for the moment. no oryou either, in any form, but he won't answer with that. he isn't upset with hizen for doing what needed to be done. he's upset at himself that he isn't over it; he still doesn't understand the deeper problem.

it's not until ryouma tries to move again to take stock of things that the shock starts to taper off and the beginnings of real, physical pain start to break through. he hisses sharply and settles his hands back where they have been — resting palm up on his legs. ]

Guess I didn't imagine tryna stop ya earlier. Looks like I'm payin' for it now. Figures...

[ everything else he's done so far seems to parallel something he's already lived through, why not this? ]

(Red eyes look Ryouma over. It's so hard to tell where the rain stops and actual injury begins. He scans their new surroundings next to see what they can use.

A clothes store. The most valuable thing in here is the supply of clean cloth and clothes but he wonders if they can find anything of use here. There has to be a washroom or something in the back, he thinks starts to pick himself up tiredly, heavily. When he speaks, his words are short and clipped,)

Don't move.

(And he begins to search the shop. Behind the register for the chance of finding some generic kit (all he finds is a cup full of bandaids and thimbles in the workshop area). In the backroom, he manages to find some running water and soap so he makes do with that.

When he comes back, he's since gotten rid of his blood-soaked hoodie and he looks a little cleaner having washed up. All he had underneath was a dark tanktop and his now stained bandage around his neck. He's carrying some paper towels and a couple of rags. There's a bottle of soap and water in a bowl he managed to dig up in their kitchen area. He sets everything down next to Ryouma and settles down heavily. It's obvious that he's tired and but he reaches out to take one of Ryouma's hands and begins to dab at it with a wet rag,)

You're a real pain in the ass.

(There's no bite but he does need to scold Ryouma for the trouble he's caused.)

[ when hizen tells him not to move, he just gives him a look and a little smile as if to say he's not going anywhere. because it's true, so he sits patiently and waits.

his body feels heavy and a number of other unpleasant feelings are competing for attention. the pain at least keeps some of the ones he'd prefer to ignore at bay for now.

ryouma looks hizen over again when he comes back, noticing that he's still wearing the stained bandage. his thoughts don't go where hizen might expect, at least. ]

I know...

[ ryouma is a poor patient and always has been. dabbing at his hand makes him hiss again — more dramatically — and pull away, but after a second or two he looks guilty and gives in.

ryouma will just have to do his best to hold it in. he'll make awful faces like a child while he tries to breathe through it silently instead. it's not going to be easy, but he already feels terrible he doesn't need to make it worse. ]

The last time it got like this, it's 'cause I never used my sword either. It's funny.

[ it's not, but he's intent on smiling through as much of this as he can. he doesn't expect hizen to want to hear him complain about that either. ]

(Ryouma hisses and pulls his hand back and Hizen keeps trying to take it back. He hisses right back,)

Stay still...!

(He's as poor of a healer as Ryouma is a patient. But once he has Ryouma behaving, he makes a point to ignore all of his faces and all of his discomfort. When the wound is clean, he gets up to pull one of the shirts off the rack and uses the edge of his sword to tear it into strips. Whoever owns this shop is really going to be pissed off when they get back.

What Ryouma says next makes him freeze and become alert again. Eyes flash and he glares at Ryouma,)

Knock it off. It ain't funny. (Nothing about this is. And perhaps a little rougher than he needs to be, he takes Ryouma's hand and begins to wrap it.) You gotta be more careful.

... You gotta take care of yourself, too.

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