jigokulogs | [ SEMI-CLOSED ] with your demons and mine, i've been yours from the start

(He sure was going to say "I dunno" and something about how he's just a tool but Ryouma stops him before he can. He ties his makeshift bandage in place and then looks down at his random assortment of supplies. He's quiet, trying to think but he does that same thing he always does where he gets stuck on something and can't seem to move on,)

... I dunno. (He knows Ryouma said not to say that but--) Whatever I'm s'posed to do...

I ain't like you guys. I... don't dream.

(At least, he doesn't think he can dream. He hasn't met many swords that talk about dreams either. It's one of the reasons why Mutsunokami is so special.)

Well, it ain't gotta be all that. It's like ya said... nobody's gotta follow a set plan, right? So it's jus' what ya wanna do.

[ now that his hands are wrapped up he's able to relax a little, at least with the pain simmering down to a dull throbbing ache instead of the sharp sting of having them cleaned. he didn't miss this feeling. ]

Ya say ya ain't like me but I ain't sure that's true. What's that ya said? The ministry sends ya t' fix the past? Well, there ain't a ministry here jus' like the World has no power over me here. You an' I are in the same place by the sound of it.

...

(Even if he'd said it, he'd hadn't expected his own words to get turned back on him like that. Maybe it's easy for others to forget or to not think of him as what he really is but... he's just a tool. Literally the spirit of a tool! He doesn't think about things like desires. )

... You're real annoying.

(There's no bite. He's tired.)

Don't make this about me.

As it's been said.

[ he says it with a smile in his voice. he's tired, but he can manage that. it feels to him a lot like izō too, that tired little insult. it's easy. ryouma finds it endearing even if he's not supposed to. hizen doesn't have to be as patient with him as he has been especially with all of this, so he continues to be grateful for that care. ]

Maybe I think yer more interestin'.

[ and he does. but first... ]

Ah! Was that bad, by the way? When I—... [ he holds up his hands. he means when he grabbed the sword. the sword that is hizen. ] Was that breakin' some kinda taboo? 'Cause I wasn't really thinkin'...

[ this is awkward. ]

I said not to make this about me!

(He sees what Ryouma is doing! Even if it's a fair question, he isn't going to fall for it.)

I'm fine. (So don't worry about him. Yeah, he's covered in blood rain and he's dirty and tired but none of that really matters. Between a tool and a real person, Hizen will always prioritize people first. Because Ryouma is a real person. Certainly more of a person than Hizen is.) What about you? What the hell were you doing?

(He wasn't himself but... he also was. )

It's nothing!

[ except snapping back like that suggests otherwise, but he's stubbornly evasive about this. that other ryouma is something that is supposed to live in his head and in his notes. not hurt people. ]

It's fine. It's for me to handle... [ quietly. ] Maybe I've just been around too long.

Edited (throws a cw in to be safe sorry) 2022-06-19 19:36 (UTC)

[ he's miserable and in pain and the renewed sense of loneliness he's been carrying around weigh heavily on him, so the act of putting a good face on right now is like watching someone struggling to stand up when they've been beaten. ]

I'll be alright. Someone has to put an end to the war going on around here yet!

[ it's pathetic. ]

It's not nothing.

(He snaps right back and he glares, red eyes focusing on Ryouma,)

I don't give a shit about the war. (He really doesn't. It's just an excuse for him to fight and get dirty.) I wanna know what the hell happened.

You weren't you!

[ and here he thought hizen would drop it if he just waved it away again. ryouma's voice is quiet again when he speaks and carefully controlled, judging by the fact that his fake accent returns as well. ]

What'd I tell you before? I'm not human, Hizen. This form isn't very strong as I am, but I'm still a Servant and magic can be corrupted.

[ he wants to look away but he's determined and his hands shake in his lap from the pain. he's tense and it's not helping, but at least it gives him a focus. ]

It was me. I'm not making excuses. I made a mistake but by the time I figured it out it was too late. I don't know everything! I just wanted to save them!

[ who? whoever. it's the "saving" and his inability to do so that he cares about. it's his biggest frustration with being a counter guardian and clearly isn't getting any better. ]

(He glances down at Ryouma's hands and then back at Ryouma. He wonders if there's something he can do to ease it but... they aren't exactly rolling in options in this particular shop. So instead of he focuses on what he can do and that's listen (even if he isn't very good at it).

He understands. He knows how spirits work. The same is true for Hizen, too. Hizen who is tired from keeping himself together and ignoring as much of his own trauma so he can handle things that are more immediate. What Ryouma says is familiar, though. It brings up heavy memories and he can feel his anxiety spike just hearing him repeat the same wish Ryouma had in that abandoned world,)

You can want it all ya want. Doesn't change the fact ya can't have it. Can't change it. They're dead and gone, Ryouma.

Edited 2022-06-20 02:44 (UTC)

I know I can't change the past! If I could—...

[ he doesn't have to think about it. he's done it before a million times. ryouma shakes his head. it's pointless and he knows it, so it only hurts to think about. ]

I can't. Don't you think I see them everywhere? All they do is remind me how I can't save them. But I can still save the people who are left. I can still save the people who are alive. That's all.

[ it's far from accounting for all of it but that's why he was out there, at least. but that reason is always the same. ]

(Eyes narrowing just slightly. Finish that sentence, Ryouma. If you could then what? Luckily, Ryouma settles on the correct answer and Hizen relaxes slightly (but only just). At the very least, he can save that lecture.)

You don't know that. (That he can save the people who are left. ) People die and you aren't always going to be able to control that.

Someone could piss someone off one moment and end up dead the next. (Hizen says like he wasn't tasked with an intimidation hit earlier,) Someone's luck can just be shit and they'll end up dead before ya know it. Doesn't matter if you're there or not. Doesn't matter if ya do one thing or the other. People die.

And what're ya gonna do? Blame yourself just 'cause they knew ya? Act like you're the one that killed 'em and feel sorry for yourself?

Shut up...

[ he starts out barely saying it, probably too hard to hear because hizen is still talking. ]

Shut up... I don't wanna hear this... Shut up! Shut up, shut up!!

[ there it is. what he's been trying to hold back. he's nearly worked himself into a panic, to the point of trying to reach out despite the state of his hands to try and get hizen to stop. ]

Please. I don't care... I have to try. It's all I've got left...

[ he can gather a crowd and get them to listen but his ability to make actual friends is weak. people know him because he wants to work with them and that's all. it's how it's always been. ]

It's over. I ruined everything...

[ he remembers what he did. he doesn't expect to see izō again. ]

And I did kill them! I failed them and I let them down. I sent some of them to die myself! It's my fault! This is hell and I'm finally gettin' what's comin' to me, but you gotta let me try...

(Immediately, obediently, he shuts his mouth and seems to go alert. He looks like he's being reprimanded and he listens attentively to every word. Every time he's told to stay quiet. When he's told Ryouma doesn't care what he has to say and the way he just further proves it by carrying on exactly as he had been.

No one listens to me. Hizen thinks, no one cares what I have to say.

Should have known better than to speak up.
Should have known better than to try.
Should have known better than to expect he could change anything.
Why does he even bother?

Eyes wide, overwhelmed to the point of shaking, he opens his mouth to speak and closes it. Because Ryouma told him to shut up. Because nothing he says matters anyway.)

Hizen...

[ ryouma seems to realise what he's done, seeing hizen like that. ryouma doesn't think of him as just a sword or a tool, so it's easy to forget that he might react like ryouma has any kind of authority over him even if ryouma doesn't see them as anything other than equals. ]

I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that...

[ he hates this. he hates how he keeps hurting people but especially the people he's already hurt once before. they gave him a chance and this is how he repays them? ]

I got no business talking to you like that. And you're the only one left... I'd ask ya to stay with me but I got no business doing that either and we both know it. I probably would've died out there without you. I'm not angry with you for just telling the truth...

[ he's angry at himself, but it's not an excuse. ]

(It doesn't matter it doesn't matter it doesn't matter

He stays quiet and honestly, it's kind of a relief to not have to say anything at all. He won't say the wrong thing this way. He won't set himself up for disappointment again. But being silent makes his throat feel tight to the point it hurts and he raises a hand to the bandages around his neck, tugging at them anxiously as if loosening them will make it feel less constricting. Just slightly, just enough to feel loose but not enough to really show what's there. He knows it isn't going to work. He feels that it isn't working and lets out a shaky breath that he's held since he was told to stay quiet.

He hasn't felt like this in a long time. Not since he was first summoned and he had to feel everything at once.

One, the way the heart pounds.
Two, the feeling of blood roaring.
Three, the way he was blinded by his first light.
Four, the way he wanted to reach out with his hands for the first time.
Five, the way he tried to understand the words he was hearing.
Six, the way his first words felt in his mouth.
Seven, the way he took his first breath and
Eight,

The way he just wanted to scream. The way he wants to scream right now.)

I...

(He knows Ryouma told him not to speak but he feels his words welling up in his chest, roaring in his head. He lowers himself, kneeling down on the ground, his head touching the floor and it really isn't a bow when he's holding and curling himself tightly,)

Why don't... none of ya... wanna listen to me? What's the point... of bein' able t'talk if... if nothing matters?

(Izo told him to leave. Ryouma doesn't want to listen. Everyone keeps ignoring him because of these stupid curses and he hates it he hates it he hates it.)

[ ryouma can't watch. it's too painful. not if he has to pretend he can sit by and let it happen. maybe he's selfish to consider the alternative. maybe he shouldn't..? maybe he should leave it...

maybe he should leave it is how he got into this mess in the first place, isn't it? ryouma goes away, thinking it'll help. has it ever helped?

he just can't do that this time.

ryouma doesn't care what hurts anymore, crawling closer until he can put his arms around hizen. it's an awkward hug with him all curled up in a ball, but ryouma does his best. laying on the floor drenched in blood and trying to keep his breathing even is not his best look or even a good idea, seeing as hizen might just reject it anyway... but maybe they also need it, even if it's brief? neither of them wants to be alone, so why pretend like it's any different? that's how ryouma feels, anyway. ]

It matters...

[ he should say something else but the words are failing him right now. ]

You've been real good to me, Hizen. All that stuff you told me before..? I really did listen. I wasn't sure I could do it again, but what you said really turned things around. All the good I've been able to accomplish around here so far... I owe that to you. I'm real sorry...

[ he's usually so sure of the words he says but ryouma doesn't know if those are the right things to say now. he hasn't commented on hizen's looks since his initial confusion about him, but it's impossible not to see how small and fragile he seems when it's like this. ]

It's a cruel burden to put on someone, makin' them responsible for so much...

[ he can sympathise, even if he can't claim to understand how hizen feels exactly. he whispers those words, more like they just slipped out rather than it being a conscious choice. ]

Will you come with me? I'm sure we can find something to help keep out of the rain and I have a place not too far from here. I don't want you to go back out there alone tonight.

(He doesn't move. He stays still and just focuses on trying to breathe. It's like he barely notices Ryouma's presence anymore and he can only barely really process what he's saying.

He's been good. (Not good enough.)
Ryouma listened to him. (But he didn't really listen.)
He made things better. (But things are still bad.)
"I owe you." (No one owes him anything.)

He finds himself stuck in a loop and he knows he has to break it. It's this obsessed spiral that leads spirits like him to ruin. So he does what he always has and just accepts things as they are. He won't try to change them. He'll just pick himself back up and move on like he always has with his work. He takes a long, shaky breath and starts to move again, shaking Ryouma off of him.

When he sits up again, he raises his head up high. Eyes determined but not quite focused, jaw clenched tight... He can still work. He can be good. He can still be useful.

If Ryouma wants to go, he'll follow. He'll even keep him safe. But not because he really wants to. He always just does what others want him to do.)

[ ryouma knows it isn't better. hizen isn't on the floor anymore but it's not better. just... functional. as a person who is used to faking it, he knows how this goes. but this is better than nothing. ]

I'll be right back, okay?

[ he moves slowly, picking himself up. the time sitting and resting while hizen cleaned him up and wrapped up his hands has been helpful but the energy in the air and his waning reserves mean this is going to be slow and painful for a bit. at least he's stable enough to get himself around.

ryouma will do this on his own even if it's difficult.

he leaves his card and some cash by the register, so when the owner comes back they know who to call about this mess and he's at least covered the cost of some of what's been ruined. this is what ryouma is good at, knowing he has something to do and doing it one step at a time. he's the most lucid he's felt since the curse set in. purpose. direction. think about what hizen needs because he can focus on that and think nothing of himself.

he's packed a few other things in bags that they might need, slowly working his way back over. ]

Put this on. It'll keep the rain off.

[ he brought raincoats. and other things to put on top of those, if they want. it's blood, you can't be too careful. ryouma isn't making hizen do anything, other than the quiet instructions to ease things along. he doesn't expect a response when he talks either, but then he's good at that. ]

(While Ryouma is gone, he tries to pull himself back together. He wipes at his face and rubs at his eyes which now feel tired and unfocused. He can't afford to be weak right now. He has to get it together. He has to be strong or else this miasma in the city will get to him, too. Izo might not have wanted him to stay but... he would have wanted him to help Ryouma, right? He would have wanted to help Ryouma, he thinks... at least, that was what he remembered his Izo wishing for until the end.

He can hear Ryouma moving around behind him and he can hear him coming back. He takes a breath and starts to pick himself up from off the ground. He grabs his sword and holds onto it tight. He has to get a grip on himself or else...

Automatically, he takes the coat and begins to make his way back over towards the broken window as he puts it on. No, he won't say anything. He'll keep his eyes facing front instead of back at Ryouma. Adjusting the bandage around his neck once, pulling the collar of his coat over part of his face, he waits for Ryouma to follow him and then take the lead. )

[ ryouma is taking reasonable precautions about this because this isn't something you can just stroll through because you think you're above it (like everything else he does). if he's going to be careful ever, it might as well be right now and he's never worried about looking ridiculous.

ryouma had been buzzing around an area that bumped up against shuten and alliance territories, mostly looking for people needing help before he needed it himself. that at least means it's not as long a walk as it could be given how slow going it is. eventually ryouma quits trying to fill the silence because he gets too tired to talk, so he focuses on putting one foot in front of the other instead and just getting there.

which they do... eventually. he strips the raincoat off once they're outside the door, knowing he's not going to be able to avoid tracking frenzy blood into his apartment but at least trying to keep it to as little as possible? he hasn't moved since he got to jigokucho, so ryouma is still living in the same place he got back then despite his higher pay grade. it isn't very big, just a rectangle with a window on one end and a door on the other. it has its own bathroom, at least. a futon is folded up in the corner and looks like it's been there for a little while. he does have a table but it's all covered in papers. there is a bag of garbage tied up right by the door but it was mostly just to free up the bin, which is full of more trash. all of it looks like it's been here for a while, actually. he keeps his office and his personal appearance (mostly) neat so all the disorder seems to have found its way out here. ]

Oughta go an' get yer self cleaned up. Anything ya want, it's yours, got it? Sorry it ain't much...

[ this still feels bad but he's really trying. ~~one would think if he didn't want to keep having to try so hard, he wouldn't screw it up in the first place. lessons he's failed to learn.~~ ]

Thanks for comin' along. Ain't been easy to stay here by myself lately, so I come back here to have a bath and change clothes, then head back to my office instead. Better with a little company that's for sure...

[ izō has been here a few times. he's trying to do everything in his power not to think about that right now. ]

(He follows Ryouma in silence. He doesn't mind it when no one speaks. If anything, he's someone that really values quiet... but it isn't quiet out here. The rain is pouring and there are whispers in the shadows. Sometimes he feels like he can feel that dreadful feeling that signals the arrival of an enemy and at other times, he feels like the shadows look more like tears in the world around them...

A voice cuts through, sharp but sweet, distorted but clear. Like the electric feeling one feels in the air before a storm but also close and familiar like it could have been from inside your own head: "Give it up. A swo̷̰̱͂rḑ̸͙͛ doesn't need a h█▓▒░." The voice breaks and becomes a chorus of sighs and cries. Sad, desperate, angry, wild, empty, screeching and banging like metal being dragged and struck.

Hizen pays it no mind. He doesn't need an ominous voice to make him wonder about why he was summoned. Why he was summoned like this. Thinking is fine. It's when you give up or give into those thoughts that you can become... He stops himself.

He copies Ryouma once they arrive. He sheds his coat, letting it fall to the ground heavily and ventures inside, bowing his head just slightly when he crosses into the threshold. He knows he should announce himself. It would be the right thing to but it's like he's forgotten how to talk. Or just lost the ability to. If he was himself, he'd mock and tease Ryouma for his living space if only to give him a difficult time but he barely registers any of it beyond a small realization,

Ah, he thinks, it's the same. As pitiful as his own apartment. As impersonal and empty as his own space. Not really a home. Just a place to come and rest. A place where one doesn't really live but just exists.

Standing in the entryway, not even taking his shoes off yet, it's probably more obvious in the white fluorescent light of the apartment than the streetlit dark outside; he's covered in blood. He'd taken off his hoodie at the shop but it's obvious that the rain had bled through. His arms and face are smeared with it, his hair is matted and tinged with it and he just sort of... rubs at his arm. What he needs is--)

... A shower.

(That's what he wants. To wash the blood off of him. To at least look cleaner than he feels.)

Bathroom's all yours. There's clean towels and everything.

[ his one real creature comfort because he has come to appreciate a hot shower and a nice, fluffy towel once in awhile. ]

I've got something you can wear. I'll set it outside the door, yeah?

[ so hizen doesn't have to wait on him digging around for something. he doesn't mind waiting around for the room to be free; he can at least change out of what he's wearing in the meantime. ]

(It's amazing what a nice, warm shower will do for a soul. It washes away the blood and grime and it feels like he's washed away a significant part of the weight keeping him down right now. It clears the mind and makes him feel more refreshed. And while he still feels like shit he doesn't feel as shitty as he did moments earlier.

He tries to hurry with his shower, not wanting to impose more than he already has. When he finishes, he wraps a towel around his waist and stops to look in the mirror. He wipes at the fog, sees that obvious line across his throat, and looks down at the sink where his bloodied and dirtied clothes have been tossed aside. The bandage is disgusting. Already worn and dirty before the rain even started, it's not a brown from dark blood and he knows he can't wear it again. He wipes down the counter and where ever there might be smears of blood and dirt. If anything, he's a considerate guest. One that doesn't want to cause trouble.

He wraps a towel around his neck before he reaches out to take whatever clothes Ryouma has set out for him and get dressed. When he finishes, he finally steps out, the towel wrapped carefully around his neck, a hand holding it in place and covering part of his face as he avoids looking at Ryouma directly still.

To his credit, he does look better. Ryouma should find some comfort in that, at least. But he's still awkward and miserable.)

... Finished.

(So Ryouma can go ahead. He wonders if he can find something around the apartment while Ryouma takes his own shower.)

[ the clothes ryouma left out for hizen are nothing special, just a t-shirt and some shorts he picked up at one of the thrift shops. something that's comfy for sleeping in because that's exactly why ryouma owns that sort of thing.

while hizen was showering, ryouma changed out of his own bloody clothes and tidied up a bit. the trash has been taken out and the futon pulled out properly. he didn't risk getting blood on the bedding itself, so that's all still folded up. ]

Lookin' better already!

[ ryouma says this more cheerfully than he has any business being right now, probably. but he's still trying. ]

Won't be too long, but if you get hungry or ya need anything, help yer self.

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harimaya - 2022-06-28 15:10 (UTC) - Expand

[ SEMI-CLOSED ] with your demons and mine, i've been yours from the start

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1/2 cw: mild suicidal ideation hhh

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