jigokulogs | [ SEMI-CLOSED ] with your demons and mine, i've been yours from the start

[ he doesn't say so, but ryouma prefers it that way. better to get it over with. the sooner it's over, the sooner he can stop being a burden on hizen.

a burden on hizen and whoever owns this business, he realises. some poor individual who he's grateful for but will have to come back and make reparations to after this. but that's fine. ]

Sure it is. Over an' over, things keep endin' up the same way. Ain't like I'm upset about it...

[ this is hell after all. ]

I gotta job t' do.

[ the rough treatment makes his voice sound even more strained than it has been so far, but he has no choice but to sit still for this too. ]

That's all that matters.

I said it ain't funny.

(He's moving onto the next hand now, using the back of the same rag to try and dab at it just a little more before he has to change one completely.)

Ya don't know what happened after... (He stops himself just short. He might not be Mutsunokami but having to acknowledge Ryouma's death still cuts him. Ryouma had, after all, carried Izo's dream. In Izo's final moments, he'd called out that he'd wanted to see his friends again and see their dreams come true. His story may have ended but Ryouma had carried it after and his death... had truly felt like an end.) Forget it... who gives a shit if it keeps happening...

(Every time they go back, they have to make sure the same thing happens again and again.)

I know it's hard for ya to accept but there're things ya just can't fight. Some things... are just meant t'be.

(Quietly, frustrated,)

You can't change the past... so stop tryin' to make it right...

What d'ya mean "what happened after"?

[ he doesn't have the presence of mind not to ask. ]

Dunno what ya expect me to do. I only know how t' do one thing.

[ ryouma would like to think that he didn't use to be so reductive, but he just framed it differently. he had a clear goal before — buy a ship, build a company, overthrow the shogunate — and now it's just... to do something. to do his duty, whatever that may be. that's all he knows anymore. ]

What d'ya mean "what d'ya mean what happened after?!"

(He looks up briefly from Ryouma's hands, clearly annoyed,)

... Ya really don't know anything?

(If he thinks about it.... if he really puts his braincells together, he can think about how its the same for him. He has no idea what happend after Izo died. His story ended with Izo's and the rest was lost to history. He only knows what happened after because of the nature of his job. He has to know what happens after to protect history and make sure it happens as its meant to.)

Well, ya jus' said "ya don't know what happened after", so—...

[ he shrugs, but at least offers about as much as he can muster up in the way of an apologetic smile. ]

Sorry, Hizen. A lotta things happened. I'm jus' makin' sure I'm on the same page.

...

(He changes the cloth and dabs at Ryouma's hands with a fresh one now. When he speaks, it's quieter,)

It's hard seeing when you're in the thick of it but... the future ya wanted was already coming before that night at Omiya. After ya die... a lot of people end up real sad. Not 'cause your dream doesn't come true but 'cause they can't see it come true with ya.

(Ryouma's hand is clean but he keeps the wet cloth pressed down in it a while longer,)

People stop using their swords and the whole country changes. People stop thinking they're just from Tosa or Hizen or small places. They start sayin' they're Japanese 'cause they all feel like they're part of something bigger. Those big guys at the top really freak out 'cause a bunch of new guys come up. ... Kinda wish I could've seen their faces.

(Wow, he would have loved to see some corrupt and greedy lords and samurai panic as their world crumbles around them. He thinks if he could have seen that for himself, he would have laughed. )

[ he thinks about that quietly for a few moments, letting it sink in. ]

Nah. Never knew any of that. I see the future. A lotta futures..? Dunno how it works. The end times, that's all I know. I show up an' make sure the ending ain't permanent. I guess that's what I've always done, huh?

[ after all, he'd come in at the end of the shogunate. that had to end, but it wasn't the end of japan. ]

Now it's bigger and I never get t' work for it. I never get to do it my way anymore, at least until I got here. Like I said t' Izō, I'm happy here, honest! I just—... I can't stop it. I can't do anything but what I've always done. I don't care about the cost.

[ where does that come from? he doesn't know for sure. maybe he's just trying to convince himself? it's all he's got though. ]

Wouldn't ya wanna see it again? It's still the same dream. All this time travel and other dimensions... it's way bigger than us, but we're still capable, yeah?

I've seen a lot of pasts.

(He sets aside the cloth and tears another ribbon of fabric,)

I saw a time where ya never had to leave Tosa. And I saw another time where ya left and didn't have nothing to do. The last time I saw ya, ya went back to Tosa to talk to Master Takechi and bring Izo with ya. And everytime somethin' went wrong, the ministry'd send me to make it right.

(Maybe he should elaborate more but he still isn't comfortable going into all of the details just yet. Now doesn't feel like the right time to do it either.)

But this ain't the past. It ain't the future either. (Like Ryouma mentioned....?) It's right now. I don't gotta stop ya or change your mind 'cause you can do whatever y'wanna do now and you don't gotta do things the same way either.

(He doesn't need to make the same dreams come true the same ways or something. Hizen frowns though. He's really no good with words and he just... focuses on wrapping Ryouma's hand instead.)

What would you do?

[ he doesn't think about it, he just asks. that's not because he's shaken or because he's not quite right at the moment — he would've asked in any other situation. ryouma takes everything under advisement and then makes a decision, he's always done that. ]

An' don't say "I dunno" or that ya don't get an opinion. I say ya get an opinion.

[ things izō might've said faced with the same question. ]

I really wanna know.

(He sure was going to say "I dunno" and something about how he's just a tool but Ryouma stops him before he can. He ties his makeshift bandage in place and then looks down at his random assortment of supplies. He's quiet, trying to think but he does that same thing he always does where he gets stuck on something and can't seem to move on,)

... I dunno. (He knows Ryouma said not to say that but--) Whatever I'm s'posed to do...

I ain't like you guys. I... don't dream.

(At least, he doesn't think he can dream. He hasn't met many swords that talk about dreams either. It's one of the reasons why Mutsunokami is so special.)

Well, it ain't gotta be all that. It's like ya said... nobody's gotta follow a set plan, right? So it's jus' what ya wanna do.

[ now that his hands are wrapped up he's able to relax a little, at least with the pain simmering down to a dull throbbing ache instead of the sharp sting of having them cleaned. he didn't miss this feeling. ]

Ya say ya ain't like me but I ain't sure that's true. What's that ya said? The ministry sends ya t' fix the past? Well, there ain't a ministry here jus' like the World has no power over me here. You an' I are in the same place by the sound of it.

...

(Even if he'd said it, he'd hadn't expected his own words to get turned back on him like that. Maybe it's easy for others to forget or to not think of him as what he really is but... he's just a tool. Literally the spirit of a tool! He doesn't think about things like desires. )

... You're real annoying.

(There's no bite. He's tired.)

Don't make this about me.

As it's been said.

[ he says it with a smile in his voice. he's tired, but he can manage that. it feels to him a lot like izō too, that tired little insult. it's easy. ryouma finds it endearing even if he's not supposed to. hizen doesn't have to be as patient with him as he has been especially with all of this, so he continues to be grateful for that care. ]

Maybe I think yer more interestin'.

[ and he does. but first... ]

Ah! Was that bad, by the way? When I—... [ he holds up his hands. he means when he grabbed the sword. the sword that is hizen. ] Was that breakin' some kinda taboo? 'Cause I wasn't really thinkin'...

[ this is awkward. ]

I said not to make this about me!

(He sees what Ryouma is doing! Even if it's a fair question, he isn't going to fall for it.)

I'm fine. (So don't worry about him. Yeah, he's covered in blood rain and he's dirty and tired but none of that really matters. Between a tool and a real person, Hizen will always prioritize people first. Because Ryouma is a real person. Certainly more of a person than Hizen is.) What about you? What the hell were you doing?

(He wasn't himself but... he also was. )

It's nothing!

[ except snapping back like that suggests otherwise, but he's stubbornly evasive about this. that other ryouma is something that is supposed to live in his head and in his notes. not hurt people. ]

It's fine. It's for me to handle... [ quietly. ] Maybe I've just been around too long.

Edited (throws a cw in to be safe sorry) 2022-06-19 19:36 (UTC)

[ he's miserable and in pain and the renewed sense of loneliness he's been carrying around weigh heavily on him, so the act of putting a good face on right now is like watching someone struggling to stand up when they've been beaten. ]

I'll be alright. Someone has to put an end to the war going on around here yet!

[ it's pathetic. ]

It's not nothing.

(He snaps right back and he glares, red eyes focusing on Ryouma,)

I don't give a shit about the war. (He really doesn't. It's just an excuse for him to fight and get dirty.) I wanna know what the hell happened.

You weren't you!

[ and here he thought hizen would drop it if he just waved it away again. ryouma's voice is quiet again when he speaks and carefully controlled, judging by the fact that his fake accent returns as well. ]

What'd I tell you before? I'm not human, Hizen. This form isn't very strong as I am, but I'm still a Servant and magic can be corrupted.

[ he wants to look away but he's determined and his hands shake in his lap from the pain. he's tense and it's not helping, but at least it gives him a focus. ]

It was me. I'm not making excuses. I made a mistake but by the time I figured it out it was too late. I don't know everything! I just wanted to save them!

[ who? whoever. it's the "saving" and his inability to do so that he cares about. it's his biggest frustration with being a counter guardian and clearly isn't getting any better. ]

(He glances down at Ryouma's hands and then back at Ryouma. He wonders if there's something he can do to ease it but... they aren't exactly rolling in options in this particular shop. So instead of he focuses on what he can do and that's listen (even if he isn't very good at it).

He understands. He knows how spirits work. The same is true for Hizen, too. Hizen who is tired from keeping himself together and ignoring as much of his own trauma so he can handle things that are more immediate. What Ryouma says is familiar, though. It brings up heavy memories and he can feel his anxiety spike just hearing him repeat the same wish Ryouma had in that abandoned world,)

You can want it all ya want. Doesn't change the fact ya can't have it. Can't change it. They're dead and gone, Ryouma.

Edited 2022-06-20 02:44 (UTC)

I know I can't change the past! If I could—...

[ he doesn't have to think about it. he's done it before a million times. ryouma shakes his head. it's pointless and he knows it, so it only hurts to think about. ]

I can't. Don't you think I see them everywhere? All they do is remind me how I can't save them. But I can still save the people who are left. I can still save the people who are alive. That's all.

[ it's far from accounting for all of it but that's why he was out there, at least. but that reason is always the same. ]

(Eyes narrowing just slightly. Finish that sentence, Ryouma. If you could then what? Luckily, Ryouma settles on the correct answer and Hizen relaxes slightly (but only just). At the very least, he can save that lecture.)

You don't know that. (That he can save the people who are left. ) People die and you aren't always going to be able to control that.

Someone could piss someone off one moment and end up dead the next. (Hizen says like he wasn't tasked with an intimidation hit earlier,) Someone's luck can just be shit and they'll end up dead before ya know it. Doesn't matter if you're there or not. Doesn't matter if ya do one thing or the other. People die.

And what're ya gonna do? Blame yourself just 'cause they knew ya? Act like you're the one that killed 'em and feel sorry for yourself?

Shut up...

[ he starts out barely saying it, probably too hard to hear because hizen is still talking. ]

Shut up... I don't wanna hear this... Shut up! Shut up, shut up!!

[ there it is. what he's been trying to hold back. he's nearly worked himself into a panic, to the point of trying to reach out despite the state of his hands to try and get hizen to stop. ]

Please. I don't care... I have to try. It's all I've got left...

[ he can gather a crowd and get them to listen but his ability to make actual friends is weak. people know him because he wants to work with them and that's all. it's how it's always been. ]

It's over. I ruined everything...

[ he remembers what he did. he doesn't expect to see izō again. ]

And I did kill them! I failed them and I let them down. I sent some of them to die myself! It's my fault! This is hell and I'm finally gettin' what's comin' to me, but you gotta let me try...

(Immediately, obediently, he shuts his mouth and seems to go alert. He looks like he's being reprimanded and he listens attentively to every word. Every time he's told to stay quiet. When he's told Ryouma doesn't care what he has to say and the way he just further proves it by carrying on exactly as he had been.

No one listens to me. Hizen thinks, no one cares what I have to say.

Should have known better than to speak up.
Should have known better than to try.
Should have known better than to expect he could change anything.
Why does he even bother?

Eyes wide, overwhelmed to the point of shaking, he opens his mouth to speak and closes it. Because Ryouma told him to shut up. Because nothing he says matters anyway.)

Hizen...

[ ryouma seems to realise what he's done, seeing hizen like that. ryouma doesn't think of him as just a sword or a tool, so it's easy to forget that he might react like ryouma has any kind of authority over him even if ryouma doesn't see them as anything other than equals. ]

I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that...

[ he hates this. he hates how he keeps hurting people but especially the people he's already hurt once before. they gave him a chance and this is how he repays them? ]

I got no business talking to you like that. And you're the only one left... I'd ask ya to stay with me but I got no business doing that either and we both know it. I probably would've died out there without you. I'm not angry with you for just telling the truth...

[ he's angry at himself, but it's not an excuse. ]

(It doesn't matter it doesn't matter it doesn't matter

He stays quiet and honestly, it's kind of a relief to not have to say anything at all. He won't say the wrong thing this way. He won't set himself up for disappointment again. But being silent makes his throat feel tight to the point it hurts and he raises a hand to the bandages around his neck, tugging at them anxiously as if loosening them will make it feel less constricting. Just slightly, just enough to feel loose but not enough to really show what's there. He knows it isn't going to work. He feels that it isn't working and lets out a shaky breath that he's held since he was told to stay quiet.

He hasn't felt like this in a long time. Not since he was first summoned and he had to feel everything at once.

One, the way the heart pounds.
Two, the feeling of blood roaring.
Three, the way he was blinded by his first light.
Four, the way he wanted to reach out with his hands for the first time.
Five, the way he tried to understand the words he was hearing.
Six, the way his first words felt in his mouth.
Seven, the way he took his first breath and
Eight,

The way he just wanted to scream. The way he wants to scream right now.)

I...

(He knows Ryouma told him not to speak but he feels his words welling up in his chest, roaring in his head. He lowers himself, kneeling down on the ground, his head touching the floor and it really isn't a bow when he's holding and curling himself tightly,)

Why don't... none of ya... wanna listen to me? What's the point... of bein' able t'talk if... if nothing matters?

(Izo told him to leave. Ryouma doesn't want to listen. Everyone keeps ignoring him because of these stupid curses and he hates it he hates it he hates it.)

[ SEMI-CLOSED ] with your demons and mine, i've been yours from the start

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1/2 cw: mild suicidal ideation hhh

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