jigokulogs | [ SEMI-CLOSED ] with your demons and mine, i've been yours from the start

(Stupid gun. He curses when he strikes but he doesn't let that deter him. He knows the gun is empty. It's practically useless and all he has to do is make sure Ryouma doesn't draw his sword.

... He briefly wonders if there's a meaning to that. According to the stories, Ryouma never drew his sword. Even when he tried in his final moment, he failed. It's always been a significant part of Ryouma's story, especially in relation to the spirit that manifested from his sword.

He pushes back against Ryouma, refusing to back down.)

Take your own advice.

(He knows Ryouma has already done things he's going to regret.

He aims a good, hard kick at Ryouma's shin. Honor is for those privileged enough to never have to fight to survive. He's here to win.)

[ ryouma isn't accustomed to fighting dirty because he's not accustomed to fighting so that kick works as intended and makes him stumble hard. but "oryou" is, incidentally, a bit more than a harmless apparition as she is a lot better at mimicking the more monstrous aspects of her real counterpart than she is at the rest.

she swings fiercely at hizen, shadowy coils settling around ryouma as she refuses to part from him entirely and half-transforms instead. protective or... possessive? she's won a valuable prize, after all, and intends to drain him of all his energy like the parasite she is. so, hizen will have to go.

ryouma isn't too proud to let her take point like she always does. ]

(The shadow swings and Hizen instinctively pulls back. HIs hand reaches out to grab Ryouma's clothes but all he feels is his fingertips just barely brushing against fabric before he's totally knocked back. He rolls backwards and begins to pick himself up, scrambling back up onto his feet and kicking off for another charged attack.)

She isn't real! You're just dreamin' her up.

(He's chasing after the shadows now, aiming to cut through them and see if he can just sever them completely. Would that even work? He's used to fighting other spirits but they've always had physical forms like him...)

Are you the kinda guy that stops giving a shit about everyone else 'cause ya gotta dream?! (He knows Ryouma isn't. In his heart, he knows that isn't why Ryouma gave him away. He knows that isn't why he left Ryouma. He knows but--) Just gonna act like we don't exist 'cause ya got what ya want?!

[ "oryou" is real enough that hizen isn't just trying to cut through illusions, at least. it seems everything else that appears to be something else at least has the consistency it ought to be. mostly. long strands of hair feel more like cables when hizen slices through them and the ones he doesn't keep trying to entangle him. the rest of "her" is harder. tougher, though not as strong as the real thing, at least. ]

Why shouldn't I get what I want?! Do ya hate me so much the only way yer happy is if I got nothin' left in the end?!

[ he doesn't really believe anything like that, of course, but that doesn't stop him from saying things that might hurt right now. as hizen said, ryouma is not in control here. ]

(Then he cuts! Because it's what he's good at. For as much as he hates himself, it's times like this that he's grateful for his talent. He's good at slashing and he's stronger for it. Because he's strong, he can be useful to the people and for the causes that matter to him the most.)

Dumbass! (He's a nimble fighter and does his best to navigate through the shadows, trying to keep himself from becoming tangled and cutting himself free when caught,) I don't hate you!

(His goal is to get close enough to the root-- to Ryouma-- to sever this curse completely.)

Even if it's you--! (He can hear the final lines of a desperate story. "I haven't seen the new age yet! Created by Master Takechi and Ryouma! No social status! Everyone can live as they like! It'll be a peaceful world!") Even if it's you, I want you to have everything!

'Cause if ya got everything, that's more to share with everyone else!

(Or something. He doesn't know what he's saying. He feels like he's speaking for the sake of having something to say. He doesn't even know if his words make any sense without context right now.)

You wanna share it, too! I know you wanna. That's why ya gave a shit when they died! 'Cause you wanted to share the world with 'em too, right?!

(He hates this. This isn't even his stupid nightmare and that pisses him off so much. He's so angry... he screams and musters up all of his strength to pull through the shadows and charge at Ryouma directly.)

I—...

[ that's true, what hizen says. it resonates within him, because what is he if not the manifestation of all his ideals? it feels like something gives a little. ]

I did it... for them. For all of 'em. I said I'd carry their dreams...

[ the more hizen keeps pushing, the less "oryou" can manage to keep up with him. the curse itself could go on indefinitely since it isn't alive, self-perpetuating as long as no one gets to the bottom of what's going on, but it has a weakness. having bound itself to ryouma, it can only hold out as long as he can. all this fighting and forming and reforming itself consumes a lot of energy — it'll bleed him dry before it'll stop, never mind that being exposed to the stuff for too long is very bad for you anyway and it's been leeching into him like a poison all this time. it's probably lucky he's not human. ]

But I've been carryin' 'em for so long. I can't do it alone. She's a part'a me...

[ it's a last-ditch effort. if he has to defend himself against hizen directly, he doesn't have the strength anymore. ]

(The world twists, the streets shift, the people change. Aware of their misery, they embrace the promise of happiness, and they desperately hold on. Even if it means becoming something else, they won't give it up easily, and anyone that gets in their way is an enemy that needs to be removed for the sake of their happiness. Who needs a specialized hellscape when the curse can just have its way and remind him of another abandoned world? It doesn't matter because unfortunately for this stupid curse, Hizen specializes in this exact sort of scenario.

He can tell Ryouma is beginning to falter and it just strengthens his resolve.)

Then I'll cut her off.

(That isn't what Ryouma meant but he knows what needs to be done. He aims for the shadow right by Ryouma's shoulder, aiming to stab it right between those glowing eyes... and twists his blade.)

No! Wait! Hizen, please!

[ ryouma panics, desperate to make it stop. he's not in his right mind, but whatever pathetic, frantic struggle to push hizen away isn't ultimately enough. only ryouma could ever hear her speak and the same is true now, in "death". this is hell, after all, so it's not going to let him go unscathed. the turbulent mass of shadows writhes and boils before it all melts away in the bloody rain, dispelling at least the local illusion. ]

I'm sorry...

[ the way he says it, it's hard to know who he's apologising to exactly. the gold colour drains out of his eyes as well, which is a promising sign. however, without whatever the curse was doing to bolster his strength — or at least forcing him to keep moving — the fatigue hits him hard. the fact that he's bleeding from trying to foolishly grab the blade is not helping matters either, although that's harder to see directly since he's already drenched in it. in any case, he's about to end up on the ground in a second. ]

(He will not wait. He will not hesitate. That's how you get yourself killed and he has no plans of fucking up like that. Not now when he has a job to do.

The shadow twists and bubbles, melting away like ink or smoke. He can feel his sword coming loose from its target and he can hear Ryouma's whispered apology close to him. Even though he wasn't able to here "her," it feels quiet now. Peaceful? Even if everything feels frenzied and wild around him still.

He reaches out to support Ryouma; to keep him from falling. His legs buckle under the weight and he grunts. It shouldn't be this hard to keep someone like Ryouma upright but Hizen is also exhausted.)

Get it together. Gotta... get outta the rain...

(He tries to shift Ryouma's weight so he can lean on his shoulder and they can find a place to take cover.)

[ this must seem completely pathetic. he can barely stand and it takes him too long to pull himself together enough to even consider moving. it's like a weight settles on his shoulders again and his breathing is shaky until he figures out how to bear it again. ]

M' sorry... Hizen.

[ you should've just killed me. he thinks it, but at least he doesn't give voice to it now. instead, he tries to gather what strength he has because he can't keep leaning on hizen like this. he's still too stubborn and too determined to go his own way without help.

... which is a nice thought. and that probably makes it easier for hizen to shift his weight, but he hasn't figured out that he's not going to be able to manage getting anywhere alone no matter how much he wants to. his body just can't handle that right now. ]

It's fine, I'm fine. I got it. Y' can let me go now, y' know?

[ he is not fine. ]

(He manages to drag Ryouma over to-- of all places-- a clothes shop. Some shop that sells overpriced suits and offers expensive custom fittings. He's sure whoever owns this place is going to be really pissed off when Hizen smashes one of its large front windows with his sheath and begins to pick at the glass, all while still trying to keep Ryouma supported, )

Shut up. You don't tell me what to do.

(He's as mean as ever. Even a traumatic battle can't change his shitty manners. In his defense though, now isn't the time to be gentle or kind. It's more critical that they just get out the rain. Getting Ryouma inside is going to be a bit of a hassle. It takes setting him down on the display platform, stepping around him, and trying to drag him back inside without catching any of the glass. He knocks some of the display over and once inside, he just slumps Ryouma down on the floor against a wall.

They're soaked. Absolutely covered in the cursed rain but being out of it already seems to do something for Hizen. It's quieter in the shop when he isn't listening to the rain pouring all around him. He realizes how heavy he feels and he's sure Ryouma must feel worse considering how he'd been out longer (Hizen assumes, at least).

He takes a minute to just drink the silence and catch his bearings again before managing a very tired but still annoyed,)

Where're ya hurt?

(He isn't going to ask if he is or isn't. He just assumes he is.)

Edited 2022-06-13 06:34 (UTC)

[ not much for being dragged around other than to take it. he ends up where he ends up, relieved for the quiet as well. real, actual quiet. the rain is muted inside and there's no voices. no haunting, for the moment. no oryou either, in any form, but he won't answer with that. he isn't upset with hizen for doing what needed to be done. he's upset at himself that he isn't over it; he still doesn't understand the deeper problem.

it's not until ryouma tries to move again to take stock of things that the shock starts to taper off and the beginnings of real, physical pain start to break through. he hisses sharply and settles his hands back where they have been — resting palm up on his legs. ]

Guess I didn't imagine tryna stop ya earlier. Looks like I'm payin' for it now. Figures...

[ everything else he's done so far seems to parallel something he's already lived through, why not this? ]

(Red eyes look Ryouma over. It's so hard to tell where the rain stops and actual injury begins. He scans their new surroundings next to see what they can use.

A clothes store. The most valuable thing in here is the supply of clean cloth and clothes but he wonders if they can find anything of use here. There has to be a washroom or something in the back, he thinks starts to pick himself up tiredly, heavily. When he speaks, his words are short and clipped,)

Don't move.

(And he begins to search the shop. Behind the register for the chance of finding some generic kit (all he finds is a cup full of bandaids and thimbles in the workshop area). In the backroom, he manages to find some running water and soap so he makes do with that.

When he comes back, he's since gotten rid of his blood-soaked hoodie and he looks a little cleaner having washed up. All he had underneath was a dark tanktop and his now stained bandage around his neck. He's carrying some paper towels and a couple of rags. There's a bottle of soap and water in a bowl he managed to dig up in their kitchen area. He sets everything down next to Ryouma and settles down heavily. It's obvious that he's tired and but he reaches out to take one of Ryouma's hands and begins to dab at it with a wet rag,)

You're a real pain in the ass.

(There's no bite but he does need to scold Ryouma for the trouble he's caused.)

[ when hizen tells him not to move, he just gives him a look and a little smile as if to say he's not going anywhere. because it's true, so he sits patiently and waits.

his body feels heavy and a number of other unpleasant feelings are competing for attention. the pain at least keeps some of the ones he'd prefer to ignore at bay for now.

ryouma looks hizen over again when he comes back, noticing that he's still wearing the stained bandage. his thoughts don't go where hizen might expect, at least. ]

I know...

[ ryouma is a poor patient and always has been. dabbing at his hand makes him hiss again — more dramatically — and pull away, but after a second or two he looks guilty and gives in.

ryouma will just have to do his best to hold it in. he'll make awful faces like a child while he tries to breathe through it silently instead. it's not going to be easy, but he already feels terrible he doesn't need to make it worse. ]

The last time it got like this, it's 'cause I never used my sword either. It's funny.

[ it's not, but he's intent on smiling through as much of this as he can. he doesn't expect hizen to want to hear him complain about that either. ]

(Ryouma hisses and pulls his hand back and Hizen keeps trying to take it back. He hisses right back,)

Stay still...!

(He's as poor of a healer as Ryouma is a patient. But once he has Ryouma behaving, he makes a point to ignore all of his faces and all of his discomfort. When the wound is clean, he gets up to pull one of the shirts off the rack and uses the edge of his sword to tear it into strips. Whoever owns this shop is really going to be pissed off when they get back.

What Ryouma says next makes him freeze and become alert again. Eyes flash and he glares at Ryouma,)

Knock it off. It ain't funny. (Nothing about this is. And perhaps a little rougher than he needs to be, he takes Ryouma's hand and begins to wrap it.) You gotta be more careful.

... You gotta take care of yourself, too.

[ he doesn't say so, but ryouma prefers it that way. better to get it over with. the sooner it's over, the sooner he can stop being a burden on hizen.

a burden on hizen and whoever owns this business, he realises. some poor individual who he's grateful for but will have to come back and make reparations to after this. but that's fine. ]

Sure it is. Over an' over, things keep endin' up the same way. Ain't like I'm upset about it...

[ this is hell after all. ]

I gotta job t' do.

[ the rough treatment makes his voice sound even more strained than it has been so far, but he has no choice but to sit still for this too. ]

That's all that matters.

I said it ain't funny.

(He's moving onto the next hand now, using the back of the same rag to try and dab at it just a little more before he has to change one completely.)

Ya don't know what happened after... (He stops himself just short. He might not be Mutsunokami but having to acknowledge Ryouma's death still cuts him. Ryouma had, after all, carried Izo's dream. In Izo's final moments, he'd called out that he'd wanted to see his friends again and see their dreams come true. His story may have ended but Ryouma had carried it after and his death... had truly felt like an end.) Forget it... who gives a shit if it keeps happening...

(Every time they go back, they have to make sure the same thing happens again and again.)

I know it's hard for ya to accept but there're things ya just can't fight. Some things... are just meant t'be.

(Quietly, frustrated,)

You can't change the past... so stop tryin' to make it right...

What d'ya mean "what happened after"?

[ he doesn't have the presence of mind not to ask. ]

Dunno what ya expect me to do. I only know how t' do one thing.

[ ryouma would like to think that he didn't use to be so reductive, but he just framed it differently. he had a clear goal before — buy a ship, build a company, overthrow the shogunate — and now it's just... to do something. to do his duty, whatever that may be. that's all he knows anymore. ]

What d'ya mean "what d'ya mean what happened after?!"

(He looks up briefly from Ryouma's hands, clearly annoyed,)

... Ya really don't know anything?

(If he thinks about it.... if he really puts his braincells together, he can think about how its the same for him. He has no idea what happend after Izo died. His story ended with Izo's and the rest was lost to history. He only knows what happened after because of the nature of his job. He has to know what happens after to protect history and make sure it happens as its meant to.)

Well, ya jus' said "ya don't know what happened after", so—...

[ he shrugs, but at least offers about as much as he can muster up in the way of an apologetic smile. ]

Sorry, Hizen. A lotta things happened. I'm jus' makin' sure I'm on the same page.

...

(He changes the cloth and dabs at Ryouma's hands with a fresh one now. When he speaks, it's quieter,)

It's hard seeing when you're in the thick of it but... the future ya wanted was already coming before that night at Omiya. After ya die... a lot of people end up real sad. Not 'cause your dream doesn't come true but 'cause they can't see it come true with ya.

(Ryouma's hand is clean but he keeps the wet cloth pressed down in it a while longer,)

People stop using their swords and the whole country changes. People stop thinking they're just from Tosa or Hizen or small places. They start sayin' they're Japanese 'cause they all feel like they're part of something bigger. Those big guys at the top really freak out 'cause a bunch of new guys come up. ... Kinda wish I could've seen their faces.

(Wow, he would have loved to see some corrupt and greedy lords and samurai panic as their world crumbles around them. He thinks if he could have seen that for himself, he would have laughed. )

[ he thinks about that quietly for a few moments, letting it sink in. ]

Nah. Never knew any of that. I see the future. A lotta futures..? Dunno how it works. The end times, that's all I know. I show up an' make sure the ending ain't permanent. I guess that's what I've always done, huh?

[ after all, he'd come in at the end of the shogunate. that had to end, but it wasn't the end of japan. ]

Now it's bigger and I never get t' work for it. I never get to do it my way anymore, at least until I got here. Like I said t' Izō, I'm happy here, honest! I just—... I can't stop it. I can't do anything but what I've always done. I don't care about the cost.

[ where does that come from? he doesn't know for sure. maybe he's just trying to convince himself? it's all he's got though. ]

Wouldn't ya wanna see it again? It's still the same dream. All this time travel and other dimensions... it's way bigger than us, but we're still capable, yeah?

I've seen a lot of pasts.

(He sets aside the cloth and tears another ribbon of fabric,)

I saw a time where ya never had to leave Tosa. And I saw another time where ya left and didn't have nothing to do. The last time I saw ya, ya went back to Tosa to talk to Master Takechi and bring Izo with ya. And everytime somethin' went wrong, the ministry'd send me to make it right.

(Maybe he should elaborate more but he still isn't comfortable going into all of the details just yet. Now doesn't feel like the right time to do it either.)

But this ain't the past. It ain't the future either. (Like Ryouma mentioned....?) It's right now. I don't gotta stop ya or change your mind 'cause you can do whatever y'wanna do now and you don't gotta do things the same way either.

(He doesn't need to make the same dreams come true the same ways or something. Hizen frowns though. He's really no good with words and he just... focuses on wrapping Ryouma's hand instead.)

What would you do?

[ he doesn't think about it, he just asks. that's not because he's shaken or because he's not quite right at the moment — he would've asked in any other situation. ryouma takes everything under advisement and then makes a decision, he's always done that. ]

An' don't say "I dunno" or that ya don't get an opinion. I say ya get an opinion.

[ things izō might've said faced with the same question. ]

I really wanna know.

(He sure was going to say "I dunno" and something about how he's just a tool but Ryouma stops him before he can. He ties his makeshift bandage in place and then looks down at his random assortment of supplies. He's quiet, trying to think but he does that same thing he always does where he gets stuck on something and can't seem to move on,)

... I dunno. (He knows Ryouma said not to say that but--) Whatever I'm s'posed to do...

I ain't like you guys. I... don't dream.

(At least, he doesn't think he can dream. He hasn't met many swords that talk about dreams either. It's one of the reasons why Mutsunokami is so special.)

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