jigokulogs | [ SEMI-CLOSED ] with your demons and mine, i've been yours from the start

[ this must seem completely pathetic. he can barely stand and it takes him too long to pull himself together enough to even consider moving. it's like a weight settles on his shoulders again and his breathing is shaky until he figures out how to bear it again. ]

M' sorry... Hizen.

[ you should've just killed me. he thinks it, but at least he doesn't give voice to it now. instead, he tries to gather what strength he has because he can't keep leaning on hizen like this. he's still too stubborn and too determined to go his own way without help.

... which is a nice thought. and that probably makes it easier for hizen to shift his weight, but he hasn't figured out that he's not going to be able to manage getting anywhere alone no matter how much he wants to. his body just can't handle that right now. ]

It's fine, I'm fine. I got it. Y' can let me go now, y' know?

[ he is not fine. ]

(He manages to drag Ryouma over to-- of all places-- a clothes shop. Some shop that sells overpriced suits and offers expensive custom fittings. He's sure whoever owns this place is going to be really pissed off when Hizen smashes one of its large front windows with his sheath and begins to pick at the glass, all while still trying to keep Ryouma supported, )

Shut up. You don't tell me what to do.

(He's as mean as ever. Even a traumatic battle can't change his shitty manners. In his defense though, now isn't the time to be gentle or kind. It's more critical that they just get out the rain. Getting Ryouma inside is going to be a bit of a hassle. It takes setting him down on the display platform, stepping around him, and trying to drag him back inside without catching any of the glass. He knocks some of the display over and once inside, he just slumps Ryouma down on the floor against a wall.

They're soaked. Absolutely covered in the cursed rain but being out of it already seems to do something for Hizen. It's quieter in the shop when he isn't listening to the rain pouring all around him. He realizes how heavy he feels and he's sure Ryouma must feel worse considering how he'd been out longer (Hizen assumes, at least).

He takes a minute to just drink the silence and catch his bearings again before managing a very tired but still annoyed,)

Where're ya hurt?

(He isn't going to ask if he is or isn't. He just assumes he is.)

Edited 2022-06-13 06:34 (UTC)

[ not much for being dragged around other than to take it. he ends up where he ends up, relieved for the quiet as well. real, actual quiet. the rain is muted inside and there's no voices. no haunting, for the moment. no oryou either, in any form, but he won't answer with that. he isn't upset with hizen for doing what needed to be done. he's upset at himself that he isn't over it; he still doesn't understand the deeper problem.

it's not until ryouma tries to move again to take stock of things that the shock starts to taper off and the beginnings of real, physical pain start to break through. he hisses sharply and settles his hands back where they have been — resting palm up on his legs. ]

Guess I didn't imagine tryna stop ya earlier. Looks like I'm payin' for it now. Figures...

[ everything else he's done so far seems to parallel something he's already lived through, why not this? ]

(Red eyes look Ryouma over. It's so hard to tell where the rain stops and actual injury begins. He scans their new surroundings next to see what they can use.

A clothes store. The most valuable thing in here is the supply of clean cloth and clothes but he wonders if they can find anything of use here. There has to be a washroom or something in the back, he thinks starts to pick himself up tiredly, heavily. When he speaks, his words are short and clipped,)

Don't move.

(And he begins to search the shop. Behind the register for the chance of finding some generic kit (all he finds is a cup full of bandaids and thimbles in the workshop area). In the backroom, he manages to find some running water and soap so he makes do with that.

When he comes back, he's since gotten rid of his blood-soaked hoodie and he looks a little cleaner having washed up. All he had underneath was a dark tanktop and his now stained bandage around his neck. He's carrying some paper towels and a couple of rags. There's a bottle of soap and water in a bowl he managed to dig up in their kitchen area. He sets everything down next to Ryouma and settles down heavily. It's obvious that he's tired and but he reaches out to take one of Ryouma's hands and begins to dab at it with a wet rag,)

You're a real pain in the ass.

(There's no bite but he does need to scold Ryouma for the trouble he's caused.)

[ when hizen tells him not to move, he just gives him a look and a little smile as if to say he's not going anywhere. because it's true, so he sits patiently and waits.

his body feels heavy and a number of other unpleasant feelings are competing for attention. the pain at least keeps some of the ones he'd prefer to ignore at bay for now.

ryouma looks hizen over again when he comes back, noticing that he's still wearing the stained bandage. his thoughts don't go where hizen might expect, at least. ]

I know...

[ ryouma is a poor patient and always has been. dabbing at his hand makes him hiss again — more dramatically — and pull away, but after a second or two he looks guilty and gives in.

ryouma will just have to do his best to hold it in. he'll make awful faces like a child while he tries to breathe through it silently instead. it's not going to be easy, but he already feels terrible he doesn't need to make it worse. ]

The last time it got like this, it's 'cause I never used my sword either. It's funny.

[ it's not, but he's intent on smiling through as much of this as he can. he doesn't expect hizen to want to hear him complain about that either. ]

(Ryouma hisses and pulls his hand back and Hizen keeps trying to take it back. He hisses right back,)

Stay still...!

(He's as poor of a healer as Ryouma is a patient. But once he has Ryouma behaving, he makes a point to ignore all of his faces and all of his discomfort. When the wound is clean, he gets up to pull one of the shirts off the rack and uses the edge of his sword to tear it into strips. Whoever owns this shop is really going to be pissed off when they get back.

What Ryouma says next makes him freeze and become alert again. Eyes flash and he glares at Ryouma,)

Knock it off. It ain't funny. (Nothing about this is. And perhaps a little rougher than he needs to be, he takes Ryouma's hand and begins to wrap it.) You gotta be more careful.

... You gotta take care of yourself, too.

[ he doesn't say so, but ryouma prefers it that way. better to get it over with. the sooner it's over, the sooner he can stop being a burden on hizen.

a burden on hizen and whoever owns this business, he realises. some poor individual who he's grateful for but will have to come back and make reparations to after this. but that's fine. ]

Sure it is. Over an' over, things keep endin' up the same way. Ain't like I'm upset about it...

[ this is hell after all. ]

I gotta job t' do.

[ the rough treatment makes his voice sound even more strained than it has been so far, but he has no choice but to sit still for this too. ]

That's all that matters.

I said it ain't funny.

(He's moving onto the next hand now, using the back of the same rag to try and dab at it just a little more before he has to change one completely.)

Ya don't know what happened after... (He stops himself just short. He might not be Mutsunokami but having to acknowledge Ryouma's death still cuts him. Ryouma had, after all, carried Izo's dream. In Izo's final moments, he'd called out that he'd wanted to see his friends again and see their dreams come true. His story may have ended but Ryouma had carried it after and his death... had truly felt like an end.) Forget it... who gives a shit if it keeps happening...

(Every time they go back, they have to make sure the same thing happens again and again.)

I know it's hard for ya to accept but there're things ya just can't fight. Some things... are just meant t'be.

(Quietly, frustrated,)

You can't change the past... so stop tryin' to make it right...

What d'ya mean "what happened after"?

[ he doesn't have the presence of mind not to ask. ]

Dunno what ya expect me to do. I only know how t' do one thing.

[ ryouma would like to think that he didn't use to be so reductive, but he just framed it differently. he had a clear goal before — buy a ship, build a company, overthrow the shogunate — and now it's just... to do something. to do his duty, whatever that may be. that's all he knows anymore. ]

What d'ya mean "what d'ya mean what happened after?!"

(He looks up briefly from Ryouma's hands, clearly annoyed,)

... Ya really don't know anything?

(If he thinks about it.... if he really puts his braincells together, he can think about how its the same for him. He has no idea what happend after Izo died. His story ended with Izo's and the rest was lost to history. He only knows what happened after because of the nature of his job. He has to know what happens after to protect history and make sure it happens as its meant to.)

Well, ya jus' said "ya don't know what happened after", so—...

[ he shrugs, but at least offers about as much as he can muster up in the way of an apologetic smile. ]

Sorry, Hizen. A lotta things happened. I'm jus' makin' sure I'm on the same page.

...

(He changes the cloth and dabs at Ryouma's hands with a fresh one now. When he speaks, it's quieter,)

It's hard seeing when you're in the thick of it but... the future ya wanted was already coming before that night at Omiya. After ya die... a lot of people end up real sad. Not 'cause your dream doesn't come true but 'cause they can't see it come true with ya.

(Ryouma's hand is clean but he keeps the wet cloth pressed down in it a while longer,)

People stop using their swords and the whole country changes. People stop thinking they're just from Tosa or Hizen or small places. They start sayin' they're Japanese 'cause they all feel like they're part of something bigger. Those big guys at the top really freak out 'cause a bunch of new guys come up. ... Kinda wish I could've seen their faces.

(Wow, he would have loved to see some corrupt and greedy lords and samurai panic as their world crumbles around them. He thinks if he could have seen that for himself, he would have laughed. )

[ he thinks about that quietly for a few moments, letting it sink in. ]

Nah. Never knew any of that. I see the future. A lotta futures..? Dunno how it works. The end times, that's all I know. I show up an' make sure the ending ain't permanent. I guess that's what I've always done, huh?

[ after all, he'd come in at the end of the shogunate. that had to end, but it wasn't the end of japan. ]

Now it's bigger and I never get t' work for it. I never get to do it my way anymore, at least until I got here. Like I said t' Izō, I'm happy here, honest! I just—... I can't stop it. I can't do anything but what I've always done. I don't care about the cost.

[ where does that come from? he doesn't know for sure. maybe he's just trying to convince himself? it's all he's got though. ]

Wouldn't ya wanna see it again? It's still the same dream. All this time travel and other dimensions... it's way bigger than us, but we're still capable, yeah?

I've seen a lot of pasts.

(He sets aside the cloth and tears another ribbon of fabric,)

I saw a time where ya never had to leave Tosa. And I saw another time where ya left and didn't have nothing to do. The last time I saw ya, ya went back to Tosa to talk to Master Takechi and bring Izo with ya. And everytime somethin' went wrong, the ministry'd send me to make it right.

(Maybe he should elaborate more but he still isn't comfortable going into all of the details just yet. Now doesn't feel like the right time to do it either.)

But this ain't the past. It ain't the future either. (Like Ryouma mentioned....?) It's right now. I don't gotta stop ya or change your mind 'cause you can do whatever y'wanna do now and you don't gotta do things the same way either.

(He doesn't need to make the same dreams come true the same ways or something. Hizen frowns though. He's really no good with words and he just... focuses on wrapping Ryouma's hand instead.)

What would you do?

[ he doesn't think about it, he just asks. that's not because he's shaken or because he's not quite right at the moment — he would've asked in any other situation. ryouma takes everything under advisement and then makes a decision, he's always done that. ]

An' don't say "I dunno" or that ya don't get an opinion. I say ya get an opinion.

[ things izō might've said faced with the same question. ]

I really wanna know.

(He sure was going to say "I dunno" and something about how he's just a tool but Ryouma stops him before he can. He ties his makeshift bandage in place and then looks down at his random assortment of supplies. He's quiet, trying to think but he does that same thing he always does where he gets stuck on something and can't seem to move on,)

... I dunno. (He knows Ryouma said not to say that but--) Whatever I'm s'posed to do...

I ain't like you guys. I... don't dream.

(At least, he doesn't think he can dream. He hasn't met many swords that talk about dreams either. It's one of the reasons why Mutsunokami is so special.)

Well, it ain't gotta be all that. It's like ya said... nobody's gotta follow a set plan, right? So it's jus' what ya wanna do.

[ now that his hands are wrapped up he's able to relax a little, at least with the pain simmering down to a dull throbbing ache instead of the sharp sting of having them cleaned. he didn't miss this feeling. ]

Ya say ya ain't like me but I ain't sure that's true. What's that ya said? The ministry sends ya t' fix the past? Well, there ain't a ministry here jus' like the World has no power over me here. You an' I are in the same place by the sound of it.

...

(Even if he'd said it, he'd hadn't expected his own words to get turned back on him like that. Maybe it's easy for others to forget or to not think of him as what he really is but... he's just a tool. Literally the spirit of a tool! He doesn't think about things like desires. )

... You're real annoying.

(There's no bite. He's tired.)

Don't make this about me.

As it's been said.

[ he says it with a smile in his voice. he's tired, but he can manage that. it feels to him a lot like izō too, that tired little insult. it's easy. ryouma finds it endearing even if he's not supposed to. hizen doesn't have to be as patient with him as he has been especially with all of this, so he continues to be grateful for that care. ]

Maybe I think yer more interestin'.

[ and he does. but first... ]

Ah! Was that bad, by the way? When I—... [ he holds up his hands. he means when he grabbed the sword. the sword that is hizen. ] Was that breakin' some kinda taboo? 'Cause I wasn't really thinkin'...

[ this is awkward. ]

I said not to make this about me!

(He sees what Ryouma is doing! Even if it's a fair question, he isn't going to fall for it.)

I'm fine. (So don't worry about him. Yeah, he's covered in blood rain and he's dirty and tired but none of that really matters. Between a tool and a real person, Hizen will always prioritize people first. Because Ryouma is a real person. Certainly more of a person than Hizen is.) What about you? What the hell were you doing?

(He wasn't himself but... he also was. )

It's nothing!

[ except snapping back like that suggests otherwise, but he's stubbornly evasive about this. that other ryouma is something that is supposed to live in his head and in his notes. not hurt people. ]

It's fine. It's for me to handle... [ quietly. ] Maybe I've just been around too long.

Edited (throws a cw in to be safe sorry) 2022-06-19 19:36 (UTC)

[ he's miserable and in pain and the renewed sense of loneliness he's been carrying around weigh heavily on him, so the act of putting a good face on right now is like watching someone struggling to stand up when they've been beaten. ]

I'll be alright. Someone has to put an end to the war going on around here yet!

[ it's pathetic. ]

It's not nothing.

(He snaps right back and he glares, red eyes focusing on Ryouma,)

I don't give a shit about the war. (He really doesn't. It's just an excuse for him to fight and get dirty.) I wanna know what the hell happened.

You weren't you!

[ and here he thought hizen would drop it if he just waved it away again. ryouma's voice is quiet again when he speaks and carefully controlled, judging by the fact that his fake accent returns as well. ]

What'd I tell you before? I'm not human, Hizen. This form isn't very strong as I am, but I'm still a Servant and magic can be corrupted.

[ he wants to look away but he's determined and his hands shake in his lap from the pain. he's tense and it's not helping, but at least it gives him a focus. ]

It was me. I'm not making excuses. I made a mistake but by the time I figured it out it was too late. I don't know everything! I just wanted to save them!

[ who? whoever. it's the "saving" and his inability to do so that he cares about. it's his biggest frustration with being a counter guardian and clearly isn't getting any better. ]

(He glances down at Ryouma's hands and then back at Ryouma. He wonders if there's something he can do to ease it but... they aren't exactly rolling in options in this particular shop. So instead of he focuses on what he can do and that's listen (even if he isn't very good at it).

He understands. He knows how spirits work. The same is true for Hizen, too. Hizen who is tired from keeping himself together and ignoring as much of his own trauma so he can handle things that are more immediate. What Ryouma says is familiar, though. It brings up heavy memories and he can feel his anxiety spike just hearing him repeat the same wish Ryouma had in that abandoned world,)

You can want it all ya want. Doesn't change the fact ya can't have it. Can't change it. They're dead and gone, Ryouma.

Edited 2022-06-20 02:44 (UTC)

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1/2 cw: mild suicidal ideation hhh

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