jigokulogs | Perm Closed-Only Misc. Catchalls

[ there's a lot shoto couldn't 'feel' behind those bland lines of text, but now with the tone of yuuji's voice, stoic may it be— but it's very unlike him. the lack of energy and the way the words would drag under his breath might give the impression he is being very, very careful. ]

Everyone is capable of hurting someone. We both understand that, but he is dangerous in the sense he makes you do what you're doing right now.

Not believing my words are enough.

[ it's not that he expected shoto to obey him without any doubts, but yuuji knew mahito's game. he did it with junpei, and he's pulling the same shit with robin and now shoto. he knew the hero is trying to understand, and he can't help him. he just can't. all yuuji could say is- ]

... He is everything I hate about myself.

[Shoto takes it back. He doesn't want to do this in voice. He doesn't want to hear that kind of anguish behind the tones. Even more so hearing that he hates himself, just because Mahito exists. Whatever is going on here, most certainly is touching Yuuji in a way that doesn't seem right, either.]

Out of everything that I don't believe, I can't imagine a scenario where whatever it is makes me hate you. Feel as you need to about yourself, I'll make up for what you don't see.

But.

[It's not an emphasised word, but one that he leaves alone on its own.]

If I didn't believe you, I wouldn't have called. I would have made my assessment and been done. You're one of the sorcerers he told me about, aren't you?

[ he felt— naked; too exposed and it made him so self-conscious. perhaps now it's the right time to tell the other he's pushing too deep, and yuuji knew he had to put an end to this before shoto got too close. just when he was about to ask the hero to drop it- ...

he hits him with that dreadful question. ]

It depends. What did he tell you?

[He could've told him right then to drop it, and so Shoto takes that abruptness and understands a little to keep things concise.]

That, in summation, ghosts like him are balancing out an imbalance from those who murder them indiscriminately. Before you say anything, my heart knows you wouldn't just kill something because you don't see the worth in a life. It's why I want to understand. After all the time we've spent together, his description didn't fit you. Or Fushiguro. But you? No.

[ there's a long pause— just silence.

and then: ]

Meet me here.

[ he then sends a location through text. it was in the tamamo territory, but nowhere close to shoto's apartment. it also highlight's a restaurant/bar; a cozy space that serves local food. it's often quiet, especially at this late hour. ]

[Shoto said nothing at first, looking down at the location. With no more than looking down, the sound of keys being grabbed and the door opening is the only answer at first.]

I know where it is. I'll be there. Come when you're ready, Yuuji.

[There weren't many people he'd drop everything for, but whatever he might have had going on that night? Not as important. If it was something Yuuji wanted to say to his face, Shoto wouldn't deny him that. This didn't seem like a 'goodbye' situation, and so if Yuuji hangs up, that was Shoto's queue and the only time he would.

Otherwise, he was more than making his way ~~down town walking fast, faces pa--~~ to the location provided. Unless Yuuji was there in Tamamo, which was entirely possible, Shoto intended to be there before he could be. Even if he had to wait all night.]

[ the phone call ends as they both head to the promised location, and it allowed yuuji some time to clear his head. the hero does end up reaching the spot first, but he didn't need to wait for long. a few minutes later, yuuji stepped in and was relieved the cozy space had little to no customers, and thus— it was easy to spot shoto waiting for him in the back.

regardless of their heavy conversation earlier, his lips curled up in ease; almost as if it was a subconscious reaction to seeing that boy. a few steps brought him closer, and it was evident from his formal wear and the badge on his vest that yuuji is still on duty. ]

You wanna order something first?

[ he then took his seat, facing the other. ]

They make some yummy soba!

[Shoto had definitely chosen somewhere in the back to be able to make certain they wouldn't be interrupted by more than maybe a very friendly waitress. He already had water in front of him and another one waiting for Yuuji, so he had been prepared for his arrival whenever that was going to be.

The obvious need for both of them to leave that moment if it was going to be something this detrimental after having a conversation that was also a little life-changing is clear. Shoto was there in what amounted to grey sleep pants and a dark sweater which might have been an afterthought.

When Yuuji got close enough, Shoto stood up. A polite move if nothing else and sat down only when the other party had as well. Kindly, Yuuji remembered he enjoyed soba that much and normally he would've said something right away. The nod of his head was what he had for the moment before finding his voice.]

Yes. We can eat and then if you'd like, I'll accompany you on your shift.

[They could make this 'normal' for now. There was no doubt that Yuuji needed time to get things together.]

[ there’s nothing ‘normal’ about this night, but when did he ever have something going on in his favor? even after death, his old sins continue to haunt him, and maybe that’s okay. maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be; he’s not meant to hide from them. yuuji learned one thing, however, is not to see himself as a victim, and he’s not planning to do that with shoto.

he gestures for the waiter to get them their special and a few drinks. as they wait for their meal, yuuji figured he should make his intention clear and not waste any further time. ]

I’ve been told we’re dead, and I like to believe that’s true. It means I don’t need to worry over the people I care about, because what’s the point? we have reached the end. But, I met a few people who believe otherwise. They say it’s just another place, and we can all find our way back home. If this isn’t the end, then what am I supposed to do?

Do I have to kill to 'protect' again?

[ in other words, he would rather get rid of mahito if that’s the easy way out. he didn't care to understand him. he didn't care to make others believe that he's a bad influence. he'd rather just end it himself. is that behavior fitted for a hero? he’ll let shoto make that judgment on his own. ]

[Once the waiter is gone, Shoto can already see that Yuuji means business the moment they're looking at one another again. Silent as always, eyes trained specifically on the other teen, Shoto won't interrupt. He's gearing in to let everything get said and accept what he's heard.

Except when he's asked a question that he didn't think that he would've heard.

Because yes. In a way, that is still heroic when there is no other options. It wouldn't be Shoto's first option, but it's always something that someone might have to do, including him.]

No one should have to kill someone.

[That's easy enough for him to say. It is true but it's also debilitating when you're trying to protect someone. Or multiple someones. His expression is as unchanging as ever aside the smallest changes understanding the depth of what they're talking about.]

Murder isn't the option. Neither is ignoring the situation as a whole. You've told me enough without saying it that you do kill them in self defense. Or at least the defense of others.

[Shoto's hands come to link themselves on the table in front of him and he's still not going to disrespect Yuuji by looking away. Time to try to diffuse this killing thing in the very least.]

I would like to think I'd never kill someone either, but in all honesty I more than likely have in very similar necessity. To protect other people. But we live in an entire world of demons like Mahito. Killing him wouldn't protect us from everything else that's just as dangerous. Even one less danger thing doesn't negate the other danger. Why not teach me to look out for things that might be a warning sign instead?

That's not what I'm saying ...

[ he understood shoto's perspective; yes— they are in hell and surrounded by all kinds of monsters, who can be far more grim than what they dealt with back home. what the sorcerer is trying to explain is ... mahito is different. it's personal. while shoto would put the cursed spirit on the same level of the other beasts in this city, yuuji didn't share that perspective.

it's hard to see someone he cares about befriending a past trauma. mahito is spiteful and cowardly enough to worm behind people and strike when they least expect it; nothing honorable in it but the fucker knew how to hurt someone.

alas, he didn't call for this meet-up to talk about concerns that happened over the past but to make everything clear without being dismissive. he knew shoto is trying to understand him, and he appreciates the effort- he really does. ]

I trust you with anyone and anything but him.

[ this is so gross. so, so gross, but yuuji's desperate. ]

Take my word. Take my side. Stay away from him, Shoto.

[Shoto isn't all as stupid when it comes to reading people in front of him and Yuuji's emotions are always on his sleeve. Shoto's, however, were non existent if he didn't let slip those small telltale signs. None of which are present on his face as he tries to take in what exactly 'take my side' is.

Mismatched eyes focus directly on Yuuji's brown ones and Shoto is quiet. Deadly silent. His voice isn't accusatory and in fact it's the same smoothly silken way he's always spoken in casual conversation just as much. There are no tells.]

You're giving me an ultimatum.

I will always look out for you ...

[ however, in the end— it is an ultimatum. it doesn't make sense to him that shoto will continue befriending someone who, clearly, had a negative impact on his life, and at the same time they continue acting like they're friends. it makes no sense to him. yes, it is unfair to put that burden on shoto's shoulders, but as a hero, yuuji knew he can handle it.

and yet, the sorcerer looked— sad? hurt? maybe a bit angry too, in which all those emotions aren't directed at the man before him, but at himself. this is not how he wished for the conversation to go, but here they are.

there's an awkward moment when the waiter returns with their meals, plating them on the table as yuuji continued regarding the other. he speaks again once they are left alone. ]

This city is my escape. I won't be pulled back into the mess I left behind.

[Yuuji is wrong. Shoto can't handle this kind of situation and isn't sure what to do about it. Morally, he knows he should be helping Mahito, he is the underdog and the one that isn't trying to push two people apart. But would he if he knew it was Yuuji?

Shoto is quiet still. He doesn't want someone to look out for him, he's capable of taking care of himself. He doesn't voice it, he just lets the waiter come with the food he has no interest in which makes him less inclined to be thrilled about that either. Wasting food isn't something he likes to do.

All he can see is yet another situation he's being manipulated into and the last time this happened, that he had to choose one thing over the other he regretted it greatly. This time, it could be detrimental.

Another small moment or two and Shoto speaks up.]

You won't be pulled back.

[He breaks the stoic eye-contact to stare at his food a second.]

Yet you'll always look out for me and I will pull you back, no matter if I "choose" you or him, my involvement in your life will pull you back because you're going to look out for me. Won't it.

[That's not a question, that's a statement. There's no winning this question, one way or another, Yuuji is going to look out for him and he will be the problem. Leaning back, his eyes tick back up, this time the mask is off and he looks crestfallen. His voice is even, not quiet, but not yelling in any sense of the word because he's not sure what he's supposed to do and phoning Izuku right now probably wouldn't even help. He can't even tell Izuku why the choice between saving someone and Yuuji is so hard. He just promised he wouldn't.]

The last time this happened to me, my oldest brother told me I had to stop being a hero and go with him or I'd never know who he was. "Choosing" him over heroism and my family if I wanted to have the chance to be around him. How do you so easily choose between your heart and your duty?

So, you just want me to pretend everything is normal, and it's all good?

[ mahito is not the underdog. yuuji isn't separating two people, and he is certainly not manipulating anyone. how does that make sense when he's being forward and honest with the young hero? it doesn't. and what is this about his brother? hmm.

he leans back against his seat, hands on his knees, and he stares at the other in low lashes. how do you easily choose between your heart and duty? so that nasty spirit is shoto's duty now. is he trying to save him? that's beyond foolish. mahito is not human; he cannot understand sympathy or a change of heart. it was pointless, but shoto knows.

he's just trying to be a hero. ]

If you already decided he is worth saving, then there is no point in this conversation. You made the choice of following 'duty', right? He will hurt you. He will kill you. Just like he killed ...

[ his breath stutters, taking a moment to run his fingers through his hair, squeezing his eyes shut. fuck, he hates everything about tonight. he just wanted to leave right now. fuck this, really. ]

I don't want to lose you. But, I can't ...

[ -do this.

he can't watch him turn into another junpei and (spoilers). he is tired. this city is supposed to be his escape. he's just tired of being so fucking sad all the time. ]

No.

[Because pretending won't help. He knows that Yuuji is trying to get it through to him, however. It's the only thing he says, it's the only thing that seems right to say while Yuuji is trying to bare his feelings.

Ones that have to do with murders and death as it seems. Something that Shoto hasn't exactly had to deal with first hand aside Bakugo being kidnapped.]

Do this.

[Yes, needless to say what Yuuji means and introspects, but he does because no word should be left unsaid. Including his own.]

My choice to not give up my lifestyle for him cost me my brother entirely. I regret it every day. My inability to act on how I felt has cost me a lot of things. Things I have regret for yet again every day.

[Shoto gets up and slides in next to Yuuji, even if it's only a little.]

I can't look the other way if someone is going to hurt or killed. With that in mind I want to make my choice if you'll hear it out.

[ tired, yuuji sighed heavily— not really sure what else he can say, other than share the entire story behind mahito but that's not something he's willing to do. instead, he ends up watching the other get close to him, following his every step until he joined him in his seat.

shoto is really keen about making a choice, which is fair— but yuuji feels he didn't force him into anything? it was the sorcerer making his own decision by stepping back. it's one way to keep the other safe. ]

... I'm listening.

[ he'll allow him the chance to express himself, as long as he needs it. yuuji will pay attention. ]

[If Shoto knew much about comfort, he would have used that knowledge, but he was never good at offering comfort. What he knew was that he would've stepped away if Yuuji had given him the slightest look for sitting next to him in a bid to ask him not to leave.]

Listening is all I ask.

[There's a place in his gut that Shoto doesn't like saying what he has to say.]

I feel very strongly for you. You are, first and foremost someone I've let into my daily life, into my home freely. I've never been afraid of you and have only ever been enriched by you being around me. I am going to be a liability no matter what I chose. I will always be in danger because I am a hero and that's what we do. We put ourselves in danger so others don't have to be with the expectation that one day we may not make it out alive and I think you can understand that.

[He wants this all clear.]

But. If I promise not to seek him out specifically, can you accept this compromise for now? If you can, then I think my choice and their reasons are clear.

[ he's really not trying to be an asshole, but— yuuji is not comforted by that compromise at all, and it shows. he shifts his gaze down to his knees, sighing as he takes in those words to heart; giving shoto the respect he deserves by not shutting him out. there's something about this boy and his need to make a choice for himself, and that gives the impression the hero grew up around people dictating his every move.

it's probably why he's not so happy with yuuji's concerns and having someone look out for him.

more silence, yuuji then brings his hands together, watching as his coarse fingers curled with each other. something doesn't feel right; there is a sinking feeling of pure anxiety that promised him something bad is about to happen.

and yet, with another but lighter sigh— he nods, giving up. ]

... fine.

[One day Yuuji will know all the sordid details, but tonight wasn't that night. Tonight was the night that Shoto sat next to him to emphasize his sincerity and all that came before. Yes, even the selfish want to keep him there unless he showed resistance.

The silence and the hand linking broke a small piece of Shoto's heart. In a bold move, since he wasn't sure if he was allowed to take up more space, he added his right hand to the two that Yuuji had put together, his left sat on the table.

'Fine' wasn't an 'Alright', but it isn't a go fuck yourself either.]

You saved me and I wouldn't take that lightly, Yuuji. I won't throw away your efforts. Whatever Midoriya may say, or think regardless of why, doesn't change my feelings. Very little will and I'll work to see you smile again instead of worry.

[ it started with the gentle touch of shoto's hand, followed by those heartbreaking words 'you saved me' — that's when yuuji shook his head slowly, his expression finally reflecting the harrowing grief of it all, adding a few years into his young features.

oh, how he wished to hear those words from the loved ones he lost. instead he is burdened with his shortcomings even after death, and now it felt like he's about to lose another one. fated to fail again, yuuji will end up standing still and watching it happen to shoto this time; only to have his hands drenched in blood. ]

You don't need to. I'll be fine.

[ tentatively, he curled his fingers with shoto's; squeezing his hand. as the emotions overwhelm him, yuuji released a shaky exhale, then moved closer— gently placing his head on the hero's shoulder. ]

Perm Closed-Only Misc. Catchalls

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