jigokulogs | [ SEMI-CLOSED ] with your demons and mine, i've been yours from the start

[the youkai at the front desk comes to see him, tutting in concern but guiding him in so that he can wait for the doctor. Emily appears soon enough - she looks a little weary, but smiles and ushers him towards the exam room.]

What's brought you in today, Mr. Sakamoto?

[despite her own internal misgivings, how she very nearly asked Aerith to take over this for her, she has to recall her oath. that her personal bias cannot affect people getting the help they need, even as she longs to speak with harsh words, to demand answers. no. it would go against the very foundations of this place.]

I had some questions about that incense... mostly because I promised Musashi that I would get to Konoha and do my job.

[ he always looks tired but it's worse when he can't just excuse it as poor lighting. the effects the curse has been having are visible — he looks like someone who has been dying a slow death — and the time ryouma has spent stubbornly staying in an unwarded building hasn't helped.

just hearing her speak has already made him awkward and he looks down at the floor. he forgot about his hands. he's not thinking about that anymore. ]

And I wanted to ask... if you might've seen Izō...

[her eyes close for half a second when he says that name, to calm the swirling tide of emotion in her.]

...No. He's still missing. We're still looking for him.

["we", she says, as if she is part of the search. as if she isn't here, wasting time, beholden to her patients instead of figuring out what to do. if there were two of her - no, if she figured out some way to get her hands on more time, she could do something. be somewhere. no matter where she went, she was letting someone down by it, and she's just constantly scrambling to pick up the pieces.

i'm sorry. i'm so sorry. she will never be able to say it enough, if he comes back to them.]

But you may ask your questions. I've actually already given some of the incense to Konoha to bolster the Daitengu's own protection.

Oh. [ ryouma looks like he's been struck. for some reason, he had thought that by now something might have changed. ] I—... I see.

[ he's supposed to have questions, right? he's supposed to be doing something about this. in his own way, he's also been frustrated with how little he can do compared to what he'd like to do. he would be out searching himself if he thought it would do anything but drive izō further away. that's assuming izō is even alive, because nothing ryouma's encountered so far has even suggested that to be the case. there is also the greater problem where he's a danger to himself and others when he's outside, but that's why he's come here. he has to focus. ]

I need to know if it'll stop or reverse what's been happening to me or if you know of something that will. [ so about this, he'll be direct. ] I won't go there like this if not. It's not worth it.

What has been happening to you? I can hardly treat a condition if I don't know what I'm facing.

[the tone is gentle, but firm. as far as she knows, he's suffering the same as the rest, but perhaps a little more intensely. right now, what she sees in front of her needs the incense as well as a good session of rest - and she says that as a workaholic herself.]

It's more complicated than it needs to be, but I'm what's called a Servant. This form is made of magic, so it's susceptible to magical... influence.

[ corruption, is what it is, but it's hard to say so. ]

So, things like the curse's presence. I have to admit, I'm accustomed to treating physical forms, but there's no harm if I light the incense now and see if it offers you any relief.

[and speaking of, she has some in the room, so all it takes is using a lighter to start it up again. it's made to address a problem on multiple levels - Emily's herbalism to soothe the body and soul, addressing physical effects of frenzy and focusing the mind. Aerith's holy powers, to dispel cursed presence, to offer an area of sanctuary. Shylock's smoke magic, to rid the place of illusions, to carry the rest into the air and solidify reality.

even if it doesn't cure him, it smells nice.]

I suppose I always have an exorcist or two on call, if worse comes to worst.

[ he laughs tiredly. it does help though, however it works. ]

It has its benefits. But I also haven't had been a hundred percent since I got here. So, where it counts, it's a lot like being human.

[ it's not an instant fix, but the sense of dread hanging over him feels lifted. it's at least a promising sign that he's willing to test a bit longer, but a lessening of that just makes him feel everything else more acutely.

he sits down wherever he ends up because he's too tired to care. too tired for appearances. besides, he's sure everything in here is as clean as can be including the floors. sorry, emily, he dresses well sometimes but he's a gremlin actually. ]

... I can guess at what you probably want to say. You might as well, since I expected it coming here asking questions anyway.

[ the incense can't dispel his real problems. ]

[look at who she associates with. gremlin behavior is fine. she had a man passed out on the floors because she couldn't lift his body weight.

instead of immediately answering him, she turns to one of the cabinets, setting the lighter in it, and then shuts the door softly. when Emily speaks, it will be with a calm, quiet tone.]

...If you're saying that, then I assume you have an inkling as to the nature of my association with Izo.

[he's not the most discreet man, though Emily has been slightly cautious in referring to her friends to those that don't know her well. and Ryouma wouldn't be inviting speculation if he didn't have some insight - which is all but confirmed when the autotranslate drops any honorific on the man's name.]

Is influence why you shot him?

[so yes. she had seen him after that moment in time. before he had vanished.]

He told me, actually. I was surprised since it's hard getting anything like that out of him usually.

[ it was a cute conversation, so it's a nice memory. ]

Two times, now that I think about it. You and then another time he told me about Majima. I used to try and help him out before... y' know, introducing him to people or finding him a job? Anything like that. But he did this all on his own... ah! It makes me so happy! I knew other people would see what I see one day!

[ and ryouma really is genuinely happy for izō, although a hollowness creeps back into his tone when he has to address the question. ]

That's the only reason it happened. I just want to know he's— [ "okay"? he knows izō is probably not okay. ] ... alive. That's all. I already know it's over. He didn't need me then, so he certainly doesn't need me muckin' up everything now.

[ it's a lot harder to pretend that he isn't devastated by this. about what he's done and how one moment has likely derailed everything he was trying to make better between them. ryouma considers himself lucky to have gotten a second chance; he doesn't expect to be allowed a third. ]

...He's at least had the wound treated. I did that myself.

[so he knows Izo's not bleeding out or infected somewhere. with a deep breath, she turns to face Ryouma again, arms crossed, and something hard in her eyes.]

"I know it's over. He didn't need me then." How are you so sure, Mr. Sakamoto? Please try to answer me with the least amount of self-pity you can manage.

[because she knows what happened. she knows Izo's story, what occurred to him. she's sat by his side as he drunkenly cried about being left - about the scars that Ryouma left on him. by all accounts, she could excuse herself and let Aerith handle him as a patient. she hardly is going to be forgetting how it felt to know Izo was in that much pain, and then to have him disappear from her side. if the nightmares have taken him...she can't think about that.

she hasn't been able to leave this clinic, to scour the streets like she might have. but the least she can do now is haul the man responsible back to his senses.]

[ ryouma is relieved to hear that much. still a question mark, but slightly less worrying, at least. some visible amount of tension drains out of him and he leans his head back against the wall he's sitting against with a small sigh. ]

Because it doesn't matter why I did anything I ever did, he still suffered for it the same as if I'd done it on purpose. It's on Izō's terms and I'm lucky he gave me a second chance. Do you really think he's gonna want anything to do with me now?

[ izō knows how sorry he feels about the things that happened in the past. he explained why he'd done it. ~~he cried over it.~~ ryouma still expects nothing from izō at all and is happy with anything he's given, which is why he's so sure he's spoiled everything. there's more he could say but he bites his tongue; that would be straying into pitiful territory. ]

[looking down at him from where she's standing, Emily breathes in, and then lets out a long exhale. she could tell him much - could express what she saw in those eyes. that Izo had refused to let her heal it via magic, when she could have removed his pain so easily. but that will only lead him to pick up the whip and hit himself harder, and what he needs is a good dose of common sense.

after all, she knows these tactics. she lives them, day in and out.

from her pocket, she withdraws a small bottle of a green liquid, and drops it in his lap.]

Drink this. It's a variation on what the incense was made for, but internally. It may work better for your body composition.

[she'll flush this curse out from his blood with all her resources if it means he'll listen to her.]

Do you want more to do with him?

[I know it's over. how could he know, unless that was demonstrated?]

He's a man of action, Mr. Sakamoto. He requires you to show him things, not merely speak them. If you act as though it's all over, he'll respond in kind. If you look for him, and show him your contrition, he'll understand it wasn't your choice. But talking as though this is all some foregone conclusion is you authoring your and his misery.

[ he sits up a little when the vial lands in his lap. he was just thinking he should probably make himself scarce whether the incense was reversing the effects or not and for a moment he suspects emily might be giving him the liquid just to facilitate that happening.

so the question that follows catches him off guard. good thing he didn't try drinking this yet. ]

Of course, I do! We've known each other since we were kids. And then... things got very complicated...

[ to understate it severely. ]

But none of it happened because I didn't care about Izō. I made a bad call once with the best of intentions and ruined his life. You can see why I'd keep my distance? I was trying to protect him.

[ ryouma doesn't realise he's doing the same thing by thinking that the door is already closed. he came to understand where he'd gone wrong before, but it looks different in the moment. it's even easier to convince himself that izō will be perfectly happy without him because he has people now. ryouma thinks little of his own importance in the world and so he naturally assumes that he will be easily forgotten, even now. he's lived more or less in the shadows for a lot longer than he's done anything else. ]

I have to admit, I expected that you were going to tell me you were glad I thought I should leave him alone. I'm the source of a lot of people's problems.

[ under different circumstances, that might actually be funny. he knows how he is. thinking about it when it relates to izō and also hizen hits way different. ryouma is also going to drink this now because he has no reason not to. ~~and before he makes her angry.~~ hopefully it doesn't taste too terrible? ]

[it's bitter, like good medicine always is. and she slowly crouches down to be on his level, to look him in the eyes as she keeps talking. at once, she's seeing something that perhaps, subconsciously, they both move away from acknowledging.]

You two are so similar. You take it all on yourselves.

[blaming themselves. trying to shrink back from what is too terrible and uncomfortable to handle easily. too stubborn and focused in their one direction.]

And that's why you can't see that staying away from him isn't protecting him. You're affirming the voices in his head that say that everyone who he cares about will leave him. He died with that in his mind - don't give it more to justify itself.

[may Izo never know she let that go. but she thinks Ryouma needs to hear it as bluntly as that. that's what she's fighting against with all of her actions. that's why she hates that she's here, not looking for him, because she promised with all of her heart that she wouldn't leave and meant it.]

I haven't lived your lives. All I know is what is in front of me. But I believe you care about him, and if I'm correct, then go after him. Tell him what you told me, as clearly as you have right now. Resist any urge to demean yourself, to shy away from the plain truth, and be there.

[talk to each other. that's all they need to do. their egos can be left at the door.]

[ he can live with the taste. that's something he understands well, actually, and a snippet of an old memory surfaces in his mind of his mother and then his sister saying something very similar. bitter, like good medicine always is. maybe that's the medicine itself at work, easing his mind with a simple memory.

by the time he comes back to himself emily is there, on his level, and he straightens up even more unconsciously because he feels entirely too perceived right now. ryouma deflects to keep the attention off of him but there's nothing to deflect to. he'd just be running in circles. he can't laugh it off. he had to sit before and now he can't sit still anymore because he has to move because he doesn't like this. he doesn't like sad things. it was a very sad thing to leave some part of himself back in tosa and he's been running from it ever since. ryouma certainly didn't expect to come here and be forced to look at it. ]

Was he all cut up when he came here? He was trying to pull me out, but the curse didn't wanna let go. If he kept going, it would've killed him, but if I gave into it then it would let him go because he wouldn't be a threat anymore. I told him to let me go and run away, 'cause I figured, he has people.

[ and no one will miss me, is what he doesn't say. ]

I thought Karasu had taken over and if the damn bird's good for anything it's saving himself.

[ that was petty. and bitter. and mean. ryouma also has a prickly, mean tosa man side and here it is. ]

I couldn't see it. I didn't think about why he was doing that. Why he kept callin' my bluff even after he should've gone...

He has people, yes. And you are among them. If he's already lost you once, tell me, why on earth would he want to lose you again?

[he's in her territory right now. her clinic, her exam room - and so he can't run. if he runs, he leaves the wound open, vulnerable. but that's part of a doctor's job, to delicately put things back together, to handle the most vulnerable people, and to help them heal. she had started this conversation irritated, willing to come out vicious - and here they are, eye to eye.

Sakamoto Ryouma isn't someone she knows well at all, but right now, it's a boon, not a curse. it means she isn't tempted to excuse him like she might a dear friend.]

When I found Izo, it wasn't here. We were somewhere out in the city, and I came across him with the curse sunk into his mind, making him almost more a beast than man. I knew if I could get him to take the medicine, he'd be all right, but...he could also tear me apart. I'm not a fighter by any stretch of the imagination. He could kill me so, so easily. But I let him do it. Sink his talons into me, several times over, so I could give him what he needed to bring him back to himself.

[it's what she doesn't say that's loudest. Emily knows he'll see a mirror of Izo's actions. it's the same reason for both of them. the same driving force. the same deep desire.

come back to me.]

...It scares you, doesn't it? To think about it.

I think—... I got used to him forgetting me. [ the counter guardian life finds all the ways to be cruel. ] I think I expected it. Servants usually don't keep their memories between the times they're summoned. We could end on a good note and the next time I see him it's right back where we started.

[ izō won't have those memories but ryouma certainly does. he let izō cut him once because he knew izō wouldn't kill him. that's a very familiar story to him in reverse as well. ]

You let him do it because you knew that he wasn't gonna kill you, right? You trusted him...

[ because here he sees the opportunity to deflect and he takes it because sometimes ryouma's pride is its own curse. he pouts like a child. ]

I don't get scared.

Yes, you do. Everyone does.

[sitting on the floor properly, she doesn't give him room to object as she takes his hands into hers.]

I don't know about this summoning business, or this amnesia you speak of, but I know that you're scared he's not going to come back. You're scared that you've broken your relationship beyond repair.

[with a breath, her hands birth a soft glow, and it feels like a breeze has entered the room, as if it was spring with the window cracked to ruffle hair and stir the air. her eyes gain a faint green cast, and into his damaged hands, Ryouma will feel a warmth seep in. soothing, like a hot bath after a long day, and what is wrong starts to reshape itself. realign, reconnect. healing, setting his body back to rights, now that the curse won't interfere with it.

to a Servant like him, the feeling of strong magic coming forth is like a veil being drawn, an exposure to what was there in the room, but not anything threatening. the feeling of seeing a shadow cast in sunlight.]

You're afraid to name why he would risk himself for you, though you know it. You're afraid of hurting him again, like you did before. Otherwise you wouldn't care so much about protecting him.

Ow! Hey!

[ she doesn't give him room but that doesn't stop him from trying! but then all those sensations set in and everything else fades away. finally. he's let it foolishly go on so long he'd almost forgotten what the absence of pain felt like. ]

I—... it's complicated like I said. I'll explain it sometime if you want...

[ he looks down at his hands and watches her work even if all he can really see and understand about it directly is the glow. there's more to perceive with his more magically attuned senses anyway, so he focuses on that and the different sensations it. it's soothing. ]

It's pretty simple. It'd be selfish of me to ask him for anything, so I don't. And even if what you say is true, [ which... the stubbornness does not die easily here. ] what's it matter anyway? I thought we were talking about Izō...

We are. But we can't talk about him without talking about you. Consider it your bill for today.

[if she phrases it like that, he can't shrug it off, she hopes.]

Why would it be selfish to ask for something? Clearly, he values you enough to put his own life on the line to save you. Clearly, you've been granted another chance to know each other, to make amends for what went wrong. If you feel so terrible about it all, why not run into that opportunity head on, and take advantage of it? How do you know he isn't waiting for you to ask?

[if a certain someone appeared before her, and asked for an embrace, she'd give it. she'd jump if she said to. she'd do anything, to properly apologize for everything going wrong. it's impossible to let it go - that's why her contract is what it is.]

You're afraid of that unknown outcome. So it seems to me that you made up a conclusion to shield yourself from actually having to know what would occur. And that's far more selfish than asking him for what you really want.

Edited 2022-06-24 20:06 (UTC)

[ yeah. she really has him there, framing it like that. even if it's just an excuse, he'll honour it because he's the business guy. ugh. ]

... Can't smoke in here can I?

[ this is a clinic and all. having this conversation sober is excruciating enough so he's turning to something else to distract himself with even vaguely. ]

I think if I told him any more of it he'd run.

[ so there's that. ]

If I try to talk about it I make him upset. Or I make me upset, and then it happens anyway. Last time I got so drunk I don't even remember how it turned out. I figure he can tolerate me when I'm just a friend on his terms but if I make it anything more than that—...

[ ryouma just shakes his head. he'd come very close to confessing a few times the last time but managed to bite his tongue even though he'd been drinking. the fear — because okay, yeah that's what it is — of being rejected afterwards was enough to resist the temptation. ]

He already told me it's different from the rest of you anyway. No point in making it complicated for nothing.

He doesn't tolerate you. He looks for you. Is that nothing? Is your own happiness "nothing"?

[no, he can't smoke in here. but with his hands healed, she'll let them go, the glow fading out and the breeze gone. he can take them back at any point.]

Talk to him without all the excess. As plainly as you're talking to me, without fuss or trying to phrase it how you think it should go. You're only going to fall into the same patterns if you're not clear with each other. No drinking, no sex - don't let anything distract you from what you have to say.

I mean—... it's never mattered before. [ a shrug. ] I gave my entire life up to do the thing that I needed to do because it had to be done. Then I just kept going...

[ he fidgets in other ways isntead because he has a lot of nervous energy and especially now that his hands aren't hurting they're perfect for picking at his clothing. ]

And you really think that's going to work? Me just... talking? I dunno what I'm aiming for. And we don't always do those things. Just once in a while...

[ he's trying not to look embarrassed because he's awkward whenever anyone points out that he has sex. he's always been like this. very mature. ]

Just talk. Don't go into this aiming for anything other than being honest and upfront. Don't try to find your destination before you even begin.

["not always" means it's still a possibility for avoiding conversation. so it has to be swept off the table as well.]

You've both been brought back to life. You have every opportunity to make up for lost time. If I hear you're wasting this chance, I'll consider having you both sit down at a table so I can mediate things myself.

[ SEMI-CLOSED ] with your demons and mine, i've been yours from the start

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