jigokulogs | [ SEMI-CLOSED ] with your demons and mine, i've been yours from the start

[looking down at him from where she's standing, Emily breathes in, and then lets out a long exhale. she could tell him much - could express what she saw in those eyes. that Izo had refused to let her heal it via magic, when she could have removed his pain so easily. but that will only lead him to pick up the whip and hit himself harder, and what he needs is a good dose of common sense.

after all, she knows these tactics. she lives them, day in and out.

from her pocket, she withdraws a small bottle of a green liquid, and drops it in his lap.]

Drink this. It's a variation on what the incense was made for, but internally. It may work better for your body composition.

[she'll flush this curse out from his blood with all her resources if it means he'll listen to her.]

Do you want more to do with him?

[I know it's over. how could he know, unless that was demonstrated?]

He's a man of action, Mr. Sakamoto. He requires you to show him things, not merely speak them. If you act as though it's all over, he'll respond in kind. If you look for him, and show him your contrition, he'll understand it wasn't your choice. But talking as though this is all some foregone conclusion is you authoring your and his misery.

[ he sits up a little when the vial lands in his lap. he was just thinking he should probably make himself scarce whether the incense was reversing the effects or not and for a moment he suspects emily might be giving him the liquid just to facilitate that happening.

so the question that follows catches him off guard. good thing he didn't try drinking this yet. ]

Of course, I do! We've known each other since we were kids. And then... things got very complicated...

[ to understate it severely. ]

But none of it happened because I didn't care about Izō. I made a bad call once with the best of intentions and ruined his life. You can see why I'd keep my distance? I was trying to protect him.

[ ryouma doesn't realise he's doing the same thing by thinking that the door is already closed. he came to understand where he'd gone wrong before, but it looks different in the moment. it's even easier to convince himself that izō will be perfectly happy without him because he has people now. ryouma thinks little of his own importance in the world and so he naturally assumes that he will be easily forgotten, even now. he's lived more or less in the shadows for a lot longer than he's done anything else. ]

I have to admit, I expected that you were going to tell me you were glad I thought I should leave him alone. I'm the source of a lot of people's problems.

[ under different circumstances, that might actually be funny. he knows how he is. thinking about it when it relates to izō and also hizen hits way different. ryouma is also going to drink this now because he has no reason not to. ~~and before he makes her angry.~~ hopefully it doesn't taste too terrible? ]

[it's bitter, like good medicine always is. and she slowly crouches down to be on his level, to look him in the eyes as she keeps talking. at once, she's seeing something that perhaps, subconsciously, they both move away from acknowledging.]

You two are so similar. You take it all on yourselves.

[blaming themselves. trying to shrink back from what is too terrible and uncomfortable to handle easily. too stubborn and focused in their one direction.]

And that's why you can't see that staying away from him isn't protecting him. You're affirming the voices in his head that say that everyone who he cares about will leave him. He died with that in his mind - don't give it more to justify itself.

[may Izo never know she let that go. but she thinks Ryouma needs to hear it as bluntly as that. that's what she's fighting against with all of her actions. that's why she hates that she's here, not looking for him, because she promised with all of her heart that she wouldn't leave and meant it.]

I haven't lived your lives. All I know is what is in front of me. But I believe you care about him, and if I'm correct, then go after him. Tell him what you told me, as clearly as you have right now. Resist any urge to demean yourself, to shy away from the plain truth, and be there.

[talk to each other. that's all they need to do. their egos can be left at the door.]

[ he can live with the taste. that's something he understands well, actually, and a snippet of an old memory surfaces in his mind of his mother and then his sister saying something very similar. bitter, like good medicine always is. maybe that's the medicine itself at work, easing his mind with a simple memory.

by the time he comes back to himself emily is there, on his level, and he straightens up even more unconsciously because he feels entirely too perceived right now. ryouma deflects to keep the attention off of him but there's nothing to deflect to. he'd just be running in circles. he can't laugh it off. he had to sit before and now he can't sit still anymore because he has to move because he doesn't like this. he doesn't like sad things. it was a very sad thing to leave some part of himself back in tosa and he's been running from it ever since. ryouma certainly didn't expect to come here and be forced to look at it. ]

Was he all cut up when he came here? He was trying to pull me out, but the curse didn't wanna let go. If he kept going, it would've killed him, but if I gave into it then it would let him go because he wouldn't be a threat anymore. I told him to let me go and run away, 'cause I figured, he has people.

[ and no one will miss me, is what he doesn't say. ]

I thought Karasu had taken over and if the damn bird's good for anything it's saving himself.

[ that was petty. and bitter. and mean. ryouma also has a prickly, mean tosa man side and here it is. ]

I couldn't see it. I didn't think about why he was doing that. Why he kept callin' my bluff even after he should've gone...

He has people, yes. And you are among them. If he's already lost you once, tell me, why on earth would he want to lose you again?

[he's in her territory right now. her clinic, her exam room - and so he can't run. if he runs, he leaves the wound open, vulnerable. but that's part of a doctor's job, to delicately put things back together, to handle the most vulnerable people, and to help them heal. she had started this conversation irritated, willing to come out vicious - and here they are, eye to eye.

Sakamoto Ryouma isn't someone she knows well at all, but right now, it's a boon, not a curse. it means she isn't tempted to excuse him like she might a dear friend.]

When I found Izo, it wasn't here. We were somewhere out in the city, and I came across him with the curse sunk into his mind, making him almost more a beast than man. I knew if I could get him to take the medicine, he'd be all right, but...he could also tear me apart. I'm not a fighter by any stretch of the imagination. He could kill me so, so easily. But I let him do it. Sink his talons into me, several times over, so I could give him what he needed to bring him back to himself.

[it's what she doesn't say that's loudest. Emily knows he'll see a mirror of Izo's actions. it's the same reason for both of them. the same driving force. the same deep desire.

come back to me.]

...It scares you, doesn't it? To think about it.

I think—... I got used to him forgetting me. [ the counter guardian life finds all the ways to be cruel. ] I think I expected it. Servants usually don't keep their memories between the times they're summoned. We could end on a good note and the next time I see him it's right back where we started.

[ izō won't have those memories but ryouma certainly does. he let izō cut him once because he knew izō wouldn't kill him. that's a very familiar story to him in reverse as well. ]

You let him do it because you knew that he wasn't gonna kill you, right? You trusted him...

[ because here he sees the opportunity to deflect and he takes it because sometimes ryouma's pride is its own curse. he pouts like a child. ]

I don't get scared.

Yes, you do. Everyone does.

[sitting on the floor properly, she doesn't give him room to object as she takes his hands into hers.]

I don't know about this summoning business, or this amnesia you speak of, but I know that you're scared he's not going to come back. You're scared that you've broken your relationship beyond repair.

[with a breath, her hands birth a soft glow, and it feels like a breeze has entered the room, as if it was spring with the window cracked to ruffle hair and stir the air. her eyes gain a faint green cast, and into his damaged hands, Ryouma will feel a warmth seep in. soothing, like a hot bath after a long day, and what is wrong starts to reshape itself. realign, reconnect. healing, setting his body back to rights, now that the curse won't interfere with it.

to a Servant like him, the feeling of strong magic coming forth is like a veil being drawn, an exposure to what was there in the room, but not anything threatening. the feeling of seeing a shadow cast in sunlight.]

You're afraid to name why he would risk himself for you, though you know it. You're afraid of hurting him again, like you did before. Otherwise you wouldn't care so much about protecting him.

Ow! Hey!

[ she doesn't give him room but that doesn't stop him from trying! but then all those sensations set in and everything else fades away. finally. he's let it foolishly go on so long he'd almost forgotten what the absence of pain felt like. ]

I—... it's complicated like I said. I'll explain it sometime if you want...

[ he looks down at his hands and watches her work even if all he can really see and understand about it directly is the glow. there's more to perceive with his more magically attuned senses anyway, so he focuses on that and the different sensations it. it's soothing. ]

It's pretty simple. It'd be selfish of me to ask him for anything, so I don't. And even if what you say is true, [ which... the stubbornness does not die easily here. ] what's it matter anyway? I thought we were talking about Izō...

We are. But we can't talk about him without talking about you. Consider it your bill for today.

[if she phrases it like that, he can't shrug it off, she hopes.]

Why would it be selfish to ask for something? Clearly, he values you enough to put his own life on the line to save you. Clearly, you've been granted another chance to know each other, to make amends for what went wrong. If you feel so terrible about it all, why not run into that opportunity head on, and take advantage of it? How do you know he isn't waiting for you to ask?

[if a certain someone appeared before her, and asked for an embrace, she'd give it. she'd jump if she said to. she'd do anything, to properly apologize for everything going wrong. it's impossible to let it go - that's why her contract is what it is.]

You're afraid of that unknown outcome. So it seems to me that you made up a conclusion to shield yourself from actually having to know what would occur. And that's far more selfish than asking him for what you really want.

Edited 2022-06-24 20:06 (UTC)

[ yeah. she really has him there, framing it like that. even if it's just an excuse, he'll honour it because he's the business guy. ugh. ]

... Can't smoke in here can I?

[ this is a clinic and all. having this conversation sober is excruciating enough so he's turning to something else to distract himself with even vaguely. ]

I think if I told him any more of it he'd run.

[ so there's that. ]

If I try to talk about it I make him upset. Or I make me upset, and then it happens anyway. Last time I got so drunk I don't even remember how it turned out. I figure he can tolerate me when I'm just a friend on his terms but if I make it anything more than that—...

[ ryouma just shakes his head. he'd come very close to confessing a few times the last time but managed to bite his tongue even though he'd been drinking. the fear — because okay, yeah that's what it is — of being rejected afterwards was enough to resist the temptation. ]

He already told me it's different from the rest of you anyway. No point in making it complicated for nothing.

He doesn't tolerate you. He looks for you. Is that nothing? Is your own happiness "nothing"?

[no, he can't smoke in here. but with his hands healed, she'll let them go, the glow fading out and the breeze gone. he can take them back at any point.]

Talk to him without all the excess. As plainly as you're talking to me, without fuss or trying to phrase it how you think it should go. You're only going to fall into the same patterns if you're not clear with each other. No drinking, no sex - don't let anything distract you from what you have to say.

I mean—... it's never mattered before. [ a shrug. ] I gave my entire life up to do the thing that I needed to do because it had to be done. Then I just kept going...

[ he fidgets in other ways isntead because he has a lot of nervous energy and especially now that his hands aren't hurting they're perfect for picking at his clothing. ]

And you really think that's going to work? Me just... talking? I dunno what I'm aiming for. And we don't always do those things. Just once in a while...

[ he's trying not to look embarrassed because he's awkward whenever anyone points out that he has sex. he's always been like this. very mature. ]

Just talk. Don't go into this aiming for anything other than being honest and upfront. Don't try to find your destination before you even begin.

["not always" means it's still a possibility for avoiding conversation. so it has to be swept off the table as well.]

You've both been brought back to life. You have every opportunity to make up for lost time. If I hear you're wasting this chance, I'll consider having you both sit down at a table so I can mediate things myself.

Huh. That feels like something I would've said myself. I never knew where I was headed half the time.

[ hard to argue with logic that fits so neatly into yours. ]

I've been doing this for so long that I guess it doesn't feel like I've been brought back until somebody mentions it. I don't really have any idea what to do with myself if it's not working on something, but—... [ a tired sigh. ] I'll make sure it won't come to all that. I'm not sure we'd survive it...

[ he manages a little laugh there. can you die from embarrassment? because that's what he imagines to be the outcome of any situation where they were sat down for mediation. ]

You would. I'd never let either of you die if I could help it.

[she knows that's not what he means at all but she has to be a little mean.]

Is that so? We'd probably still be better off ideally never having to find out.

[ nervous laugh. why is that vaguely threatening? ~~he deserves it.~~ ]

In any case, you really didn't have to sit here and deal with me. I'm sure this is for Izō's sake, so if you think it'll help then it would be stupid of me to object.

I sat and dealt with you for your own sake as well, Mr. Sakamoto. Please, don't sell yourself so terribly short - it ill suits you.

[it should be vaguely threatening. he no doubt will face a reckoning from someone else when Izo reappears, and she'll be satisfied with that. if he can repay the blood spilled with his own vulnerability - if it makes Izo a happier man - then it will be enough.]

This is just a strange thing, you know? Business is easy since everything's equal on both sides. You say I'm settling my bill, so how come I feel like I should owe you more on top of that?

[ you ever just realise how cringe you've been all at once? that's what's happening. ]

I usually like to get to know people before the worst of it comes out.

If you feel like you owe me, then that is your own account to settle, Mr. Sakamoto. I can't advise you on what to do about it.

[after all, it's not like she often has to give someone directions on how to confess to her boyfriend.]

That said, since I did have to heal you, this entire affair is something I will personally consider to fall under the umbrella of confidentiality. What my patients tell me, that information stays private.

Well, I never worried about you telling anyone else!

[ except izō, although considering what she's told ryouma that would be an equivalent exchange. ]

It's more how I look in your eyes. Contrary to what you might've heard, I care about what people think about me sometimes! [ he laughs. ] Not that I'm unwilling to put the work in! Really, I appreciate you giving me a chance.

[ SEMI-CLOSED ] with your demons and mine, i've been yours from the start

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject