jigokulogs | ( OPEN / CLOSED — LOG: 1 ) CATCH-ALL

_{[ He didn’t like this question. Shealtiel had not been the first one to ask him about this and maybe he was overzealous in thinking it would be okay to tell people what he really was here; to be free to be himself.

Apparently, though, his honest word that he was a good person wasn’t enough proof. His shoulders sag lightly. He didn’t want to lie, but he didn’t want Shealtiel to be suspicious of him either. He has acquired a demon’s powers to fight demons— not to enjoy being one. He also had no idea obtaining Amon’s body would come with such biological changes. A higher temper and libido. A different palate that craved blood and flesh. Nightmares that showed what horrors the demon did to people in the past. Visions of hell and carnage.

He’s quiet for a moment and his eyes squeeze shut. ]}

I lose my temper sometimes. Other times I get so bloodthirsty and excited I accidentally transform. But I’m still myself. I’m still Akira, not somebody or something else.

_{[ … ]}

I know you don’t need my permission, but you have it in case I ever do lose all control of myself. Please put an end to me so others can be safe.

...If you're still yourself, then there shouldn't be anything like that, right?

( He's getting mixed messages. Can a human really stay human if a demon merges with him? He doesn't get it at all, hence his confusion, and his questions. But, it seems like Akira can at least be in control of himself, even if he gets angry like a toddler. (As if Shealtiel is one to talk.)

He sighs after a moment, reaching over to flick Akira lightly on the arm. )

Besides, I could probably just yank on your tail and you'd snap out of it. You don't have to jump to murder if we're going to be trying not to fight.

( A pause. )

I feel like this is a bad idea, but I also feel like there's less consequence to the things I do in this place, so I'm going to tell you a secret, too. Can you promise me you'll keep it?

There shouldn't. But the body I have is new.. even I'm not entirely sure how strong the instincts I have are. But.. my consciousness vanquished the demon's.. so I have a lot of faith in myself that I can overcome the urges his body left for me.

_{[ It's a whole scenario that Akira isn't really too sure on, frightfully enough. His sacrifice for humanity was done recklessly without much thought because there wasn't much time to think. His lips purse together and his eyebrows lift with interest. ]}

Well, yeah. I don't know how obvious I've been, but I want to know everything I can about you, Shealtiel-kun.

( Shealtiel places a hand on his hip as he regards Akira. He looks so earnest, so serious, even if he talks like an airhead sometimes. A hothead others. Maybe... Some demons can be...

Ugh, he feels sick just trying to think about it. It's time to move away from that, again. )

Even if I complete my contract, I can't go back to Paradiso right now. That's the angel realm. I won't be welcome there.

( He shifts again, hands folding behind his back and gaze sliding to the side. )

I don't want to tell you why, so don't ask. It's a long story.

_{[ He is all ears when Shealtiel talks. That was one thing about Akira— he really did listen when he knew it was time to and gave people in need his utmost attention.

He makes a slight noise of surprise at that. ]}

Wh.. uh.. why?! Oh, wait, you just said—

_{[ … … ]}

I guess.. that kind of puts a damper on your motivation, huh?

_{[ Akira settles both of his hands on his own hips, tilting his head as he looks down at Shealtiel. So curious. ]}

I don’t see why not, though. You seem like a pretty good angel to me! I’d let you back in for sure.

_{[ Oh Akira. So earnest. So stupid. ]}

Yeah, well... Thanks for not calling me a wannabe, I guess.

( It's like, kind of cute that Akira is so sweet, but also not helpful at all. Shealtiel sighs, unfolding his arms. )

I don't know what I want to do yet.

I don’t know why I would call you that. You were pretty determined to kill me at first. It was kind of impressive.

_{[ Akira thinks for a moment and rubs the back of his neck. He had a clear direction. A mission. Go back to his realm and extract demons from his world. Maybe get the girl. Finish highschool. Move on with his life. It must be weird for Shealtiel. ]}

Maybe you could.. I don’t know. Fall in love and start a new life. Sometimes there is a reason things happen that we didn’t want to happen but that leads us to something better.

No one can love me.

( The answer comes so immediately— he doesn't mean for it to, and he tenses visibly, lips pursing as he tries to quickly add on. )

There are people that I miss, and even if people are nice to me here, it's just because they don't get anything about me. They're too busy worrying about their own problems.

And that's fine. I just want to get things done.

_{[ There’s an awkward silence as Akira merely watches Shealtiel, trying hard to decipher his feelings. The angel was still such a curious mystery to him; something he wanted to chase after and learn more about. He had so many questions and no idea how to go about them.

A steady hand clasps Shealtiel on the shoulder. ]}

You’re an angel and by default they’re more likable than demons. You spent time with me when I’m probably a pain in your ass, AND you trusted me with a secret. I think you have good things going for you and someone will see those things in you.

_{[ Oh, but then he remembers and quickly withdraws his hand. ]}

Oh, shit, shit. Sorry. I’m just kind of handsy.

( Will they still love me if I'm not an angel?

"No. They won't love you if you're not an angel."

The hand on his shoulder combined with those words makes him tense, but there's none of his usual slaps back this time. He does shoot Akira a look that says he might rip that arm off if pushed— but it dampens immediately. )

It's fine. I'm just... tired of people touching me.

( It's not a huge deal all the time. To explain his contradictory feelings is too much, though. )

I wasn't trying to ask for a pep talk, so you don't have to worry about it.

Oh. I know you weren’t. I was just saying what was on my mind to you.

_{[ … ]}

I’ll try to remember that. Uh.

_{[ Awkwardly, he stuffs his hands in his pockets, as if restraining them from touching Shealtiel again. He walks again, heading towards Enma, full of thought.

Then he suddenly says something he probably shouldn’t. ]}

Do you struggle with accepting yourself the way you are?

I don't want to talk about it. I'm an angel, that's what matters.

( I'm an angel I'm an angel I'm an angel I'm an angel.

He's coping, as he walks, very serious and very tense at the question being aimed his way at all. He's not ready to think about that, no matter how many times it comes up. He can't... )

_{[ Oh no. This won’t be the last time he just speaks his mind, but he does recognize Shealtiel doesn’t like that either.

Interesting. ]}

I.. never said you weren’t. But that is kind of what I was getting at, though. I’ve never met an angel before, so I was wondering.. if you felt lonely sometimes. I mean, there are people everywhere. Humans have each other. But..

_{[ Akira rolls his shoulder in a half shrug. ]}

I’ve never met another Devilman. So sometimes I wonder where my place is in the world now. I have a goal, sure, but I’m just something kind of weird now. Something that shouldn’t be in existence. There shouldn’t be something half human and half demon where I come from.

_{[ He is feeling vulnerable now and he doesn’t like it, so he backpedals. ]}

…

Forget it. I don’t know what I was trying to say.

...Ghh...

( It's the noise he makes, at first. Useless, noncommittal and struggling. He's wringing his hands together in front of himself now, his stone cold expression from just a moment earlier cracking under the pressure of his feelings.

Uncomfortable feelings. Relating himself to... to a demon, he— )

You're really such a pain.

( ...That's the first thing he can manage to say, cringing and squeezing at his hand once more before he drops them. Along with that, he takes in a breath and then sighs slowly. )

I've felt lonely. But... I don't want to talk about it, right now. I don't even know why you're telling me so much about yourself. I never asked for it. ( A pause, and he relents. )

I mean, it's not that I don't want to hear it, but... How can you just open up like that? I can't do that. I feel like running away. So stop it, before I really do.

_{[ Akira settles his attention on Shealtiel, eyes dropping down to the way he rubs his hands. He's noticed him do this a few times but it's only now its really getting his attention. He listens, somehow in his brain also now realizing that.. yeah he really is talking to much, but also.. ]}

That's how you get to know someone. You talk to them. You tell them about yourself. If you didn't want to get to know me, then why did you agree to have dinner with me?

_{[ ??? why do people here have a problem with doing that..
Akira exhales and closes his eyes for a moment. ]}

Please don't run away from me. I want to get to know you... so maybe we can be less lonely in a world where we might feel misplaced.

( It feels unnatural, maybe because he’s so unused to it. Even now, after handfuls of friends… )

I told you, it was so I could keep an eye on you.

( Stubbornly he continues to insist this, even as his hands still occasionally fidget. Scratches, wringing, a pinch. )

…Anyway, I’m not running, but why are you so worried about me helping you with that? You even have roommates. It can’t be that bad here.

i don't trust this being in a dead game's log comm. so here is a continuation only if you're still interested!

( OPEN / CLOSED — LOG: 1 ) CATCH-ALL

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