jigokulogs | ( open ) 007

It was a big fucking deal!

(He's annoyed. He can feel his temper rising and he bites on the plastic spoon, chewing on it angrily as he glares at Ryouma. Through gritted teeth,)

Quit acting like it was nothing. You don't know... d'ya know who'd be upset if ya kicked it again?

(And his eyes are shifting, looking for Ryouma's sword. Swords? No, he remembers the other sword he saw but he's thinking about the first one in particular right now. The one that has already had to endure losing Ryouma while at his side. )

[ well, now he's beginning to look properly sorry. it's easy for him to brush things off and keep going, but not if other people aren't ready to do that. ]

Ya really worry too much, though. It wasn't like before at all...

[ does hizen know that? he isn't sure. he sees hizen glancing around, and he can guess what he might be looking for. ryouma looks back toward the far side of the room, where he keeps a small area to organise his weapons. he used to have one rack when he only had one sword but has since upgraded to something that can store two. ]

Matoba mentioned that ya knew about what the Daitengu gave me. Figured ya came by wantin' t' talk about that...

I worry a normal amount considering what I deal with.

(Hizen will look over to the swords. He makes a point to keep his eyes on the Mutsunokami. He... doesn't want to think about the other one. He doesn't want to actually acknowledge it but of course, it's right there in both of their faces. They'd have to be blind or stupid to not mention it at all.

He looks away and slinks into his chair, back turned to both swords,)

I don't want to.

(That doesn't mean he doesn't need to talk about it. He needs to understand.)

But ya still got questions anyway, don'tcha? Like why me and not Izō, right?

[ that seems like the most obvious question, seeing as he has no business reclaiming a blade he gave away. unfortunately for everyone here, it's complicated. ]

(He's finished his parfait but he keeps the spoon in his mouth for a while. He chews on the plastic for a bit in silence and looks away. Sitting in the chair with his knees up to his chest like this, he probably looks small. He feels small. It's hard asking when he can feel in his gut that no matter what... he isn't going to like the answer. After a while, he takes the spoon out and sets it in the empty parfait cup next to him,)

... I don't belong to you anymore.

(He doesn't. He hasn't for a long time. He still can't look at Ryouma, though.)

You... (He wants to say something but he stops himself. He's sure it'll come up eventually but it doesn't have to right now. He doesn't have to remind Ryouma that he got rid of him. He lets out a quiet, tired sigh,) You got Mutsunokami and your gun. You don't need another old sword.

I know. But ya don't belong t' Izō either, Hizen. Doesn't matter how ya started; you're your own man now. And that—...

[ he looks over at the weapons before getting up. ]

... Is it better or worse that this ain't the real deal?

[ of course, nothing happens when he picks it up off the rack; it is, for all intents and purposes, exactly what it looks like. for now, it's just an object with no power of its own; what matters is the power restored to ryouma himself. ]

Tellin' ya this is a risk but I trust ya, Hizen. After all, nobody's more adamant 'bout wantin' me t' stay alive!

I don't belong to Izo either. Not anymore.

(He belongs to the Ministry of Time. He belongs to the saniwa. And while he can argue with Ryouma that he may be a man now-- a person-- that doesn't mean he's his own self. He knows his place. He knows why he was summoned. He understands his purpose and who he serves.

... And arguing that with Ryouma doesn't feel worth it. Instead, he chooses to silently ignore it. He's to have a different question to focus on, even he doesn't really know what it means. He's thought about it already and he can answer easily,)

Doesn't matter if it's real or fake. I know me... and that ain't me. (And again, as if to reaffirm it for the both of them,) Even if it's real or we got the same story... it ain't me. If it's fake, that just makes it easier.

(Maybe that second sword Ryouma has belongs at his side but he doesn't. The Hizen Tadahiro who became the sword of a killer doesn't belong at Ryouma's side.

Which is why when Ryouma says he trusts him, he looks away,)

You don't gotta tell me if you don't wanna.

(He's owed nothing. He never was.)

Easier, huh?

[ why does that sting? he doesn't know what's easier, but the part of him that doubts whether he actually should be here doesn't need much. ]

I wanna tell ya!

[ maybe that's stupid. ryouma just said it was a risk! but he's adamant because whatever gesture this is, he means it. it's important. ]

Ya ain't my sword anymore, but you're still my friend.

(He isn't his sword anymore but he's... a friend? It isn't what Hizen expected to hear and he frowns.

A friend. He isn't really sure what to make of that. As far as he's concerned his only friends are... no, he doesn't even want to think of Mutsunokami as a friend. Maybe sensei? But it's complicated. It doesnt quite feel the same. Perhaps the other wakizashi, then. He likes them enough but he'd rather call them comrades. It's easier to call them that but he knows they'd call him a friend and... he doesn't have any way to rebuke it. He can think of a few people in this city that would fall under the same category.

But Ryouma? Whho runs off and does his own thing despite what Hizen says? Who never listens to him? Who causes him so much grief still? It isn't that he dislikes Ryouma. It isn't that he doesn't care. It's complicated.)

Friends my foot.

Just 'cause we got a history... ya think you gotta like me now. Just like Mutsunokami and Sensei. If ya didn't feel like you were stuck with me, ya wouldn't care.

(He didn't before, right...?)

[ he winces a little until he realises he's not being rejected as much as... dismissed? his shoulders slump a little tiredly as he lets out a sigh. ]

Don'tcha know me better'n that?

[ but no, that's the wrong question to ask. if it was that easy, this wouldn't be something they needed to discuss. ]

Ya remind me of somebody I love a lot, so sure, it'd be hard not t' like ya. Even so, I call ya my friend 'cause you're my friend, Hizen. 'Cause I've been gettin' t' know ya on your own. That's all. Maybe I got no business callin' ya that after what I did. Selfish, innit?

[ yeah, dismissed is what he thinks. nobody telling him off outright, but always holding him at a distance, even if he gives in and says it outright. he's sure it's what he deserves or it wouldn't keep happening. ]

(And there he goes. Looking disappointed.

(In him, right?)

He curls his hand around the edge of his sleeve, digging his nails into his palms. Naturally twisting everything into the worst way possible, hes' quick to think about how he's always compared to Mutsunokami even back at the citadel and he's ready to snap when Ryouma follows up with

'Cause I've been gettin' t' know ya on your own.

He deflates, shoulders relaxing, letting go of tension he hadn't even known he'd built up. He doesn't reply right away. He's really trying to listen to Ryouma, to understand him and... After what he did? Ah,)

... I don't care about what ya did. People give things away all the time and it's not like ya knew. (He's not unreasonable. He understands. He isn't upset about that.) I was yours and you could do whatever ya wanted with me.

(He means it. He really does.)

[ ryouma hates how that sounds a little. people give things away all the time. it's a surprisingly bad feeling when he thinks about it because it's so much more complicated than that. ]

That ain't how it was! I dunno how it was for ya exactly, but the night I was gonna leave, Otome gave ya t' me. That was how I knew I had my brother's blessin' too. Ya must've gotten a little of 'em, 'cause ya look after me like she did.

[ ryouma remembers it all so clearly, but he supposes the crystal clear recall is another burden of being a servant. ]

Thing is, you're a damn good sword, Hizen, and I knew with the way I was goin', you'd just go t' waste stayin' with me. But Izō? It was too late for us, so I did the only thing I could; a good sword together with his skills? It jus' seemed like a perfect match. And maybe I sorta hoped if he looked at ya, he'd know he was family too...

[ by then, his voice is thin and a little shaky, but he swallows down the threat of tears and finishes saying what he has to say. it's harder than he expected, thinking about all those old feelings. thinking about his family. how long has it been since he's said their names? the matter of izō is an open wound as it is, so that's not helping. ]

'M sorry.

(It's the same as Hizen remembers. It was Otome who snuck back to retrieve one sword-- a treasured and beloved sword at the time...

Hizen. It had been Hizen and he'd been handed off with a single wish and duty: To protect Ryouma while he was gone. That was his one job and he couldn't do it. He was given away only to break, to be able to do nothing when his master died, and only to hear later on that his first had also been killed. He'd been nothing but a failure. A no good sword.

But Izo had loved him. Izo had fixed him when he could have been scrapped. He'd kept him until the end and when they met again, he praised him and made his love for him so obvious. Ryouma, though? This is... the first time, isn't it?

It is and he looks down, almost... embarrassed? Ashamed?)

... Gonbei took all of us and put us away. (All of the swords. He'd gathered them all up and locked them away to keep Ryouma from leaving.) We knew it wouldn't stop ya though. We knew it and... wished you could've had one of us. It would've made everyone feel better.

(It would have given the family some peace of mind if they'd known their youngest child, their youngest brother had one of their family swords to keep him safe.)

She... Otome picked me. I was s'posed to keep ya safe. (He can feel his throat get tight and speaking feels so much harder.) Didn't feel like a waste. Ya didn't have to be good.

(His head feels like its swimming. Too many memories, too many words, too many feelings, and he puts his head down on his knees. He hates this. He hates how weak this all makes him feel; so brittle that it feels like he could start to crack.)

Don't care that ya gave me away. Really don't. It's 'cause of Izo I'm strong now, y'know? Ya don't gotta say sorry.

(That's not what he wants. It's never what he wanted.)

I just wanna know...

(This is stupid this is stupid this is stupid.)

Even if ya didn't... didn't want me anymore... (No, stop, he can feel himself choking on his words,) Did ya... like me...?

[ ironic how this all started over the imposter he has, which he's now forgotten entirely.

it feels harder to breathe the longer he listens to hizen, and the pinprick of tears in his eyes that he stubbornly refuses to let become more than that makes him look down at the floor and blink until he can get himself under control again. it pains him to see hizen struggle like this.

it's so much that when hizen asks that question ryouma acts before he answers, moving over to him automatically. it's debatable who needs the hug more at this point, but that's what's happening. ]

What d' ya mean "did ya like me"? Of course, I did! You're my family, Hizen, and I love my family. You were carryin' everybody's dreams, y' know? All on your own, ya looked after our most precious people when we couldn't do it ourselves.

[ he'd protected ryouma when his older siblings couldn't look after him anymore and done the same for izō. so much so that it literally broke him... it's a lot. ]

You've had a real hard time of it, haven't ya?

[ he'd said something similar to oryou once, up at the summit of a certain mountain when he'd released her. ryouma can't understand that pain, but he acknowledges it. it's okay. ]

Ya oughta be proud, Hizen. Nobody could ask for more. Ya did good.

(He tenses at the touch and holds his breath. He won't breathe. He won't blink. If he does, he'll let things slip and spill out like he's done once before. He's too proud to let Ryouma see him cry. So instead he just stills himself and lets himself feel the embrace.

After centuries of missing context, it feels like something falls into place in his memory and something shifts. Being loved, being valued, being passed on lovingly to someone precious... instead of being unwanted, a burden, something that was just given away carelessly.

It's too late to change himself completely. He is who he is now. History can't be undone or rewritten even if it can be interpreted a different way.

Eventually, he lets out a shakey breath and mumbles, )

... Shut up.

Well, that's more like it.

[ never one to linger on things any more than necessary, ryouma doesn't mind that response one bit. his face is red, but he held it together, so he can consider it a win ~~even if he might desperately need to unload some of these feelings at some point.~~

he'd like to think it helped, but ryouma is realistic about this just the same as he is with izō. it's a process, but he likes to hope that his name won't be a source of pain for hizen forever. making new memories might at least soften the old ones..?

as for himself, he accepts what he's given gratefully. he can't ask for more. ]

And I'll buy ya dinner again some time for the trouble, how's that?

[ the real struggle is in hizen looking cuter and younger than him even if he isn't. the urge to muss his hair right now is strong. ]

(More mumbling,)

Dont'cha owe like a million yen...

(And he starts to shift, trying to uncurl himself and wipping at his eyes as inconspicuously as possible with his sleeve. He's fine. He wasn't crying (he really wasn't). He wasn't even close. )

Aww, why's everybody gotta remind me like I dunno that? I know! I'll still buy ya dinner!

[ he's fussy about this!! ryouma won't tell if hizen won't, seeing as the red-faced, watery eye look isn't great for him either. after decades of no crying he's supposed to be good at this...

at least right now all he's doing is whining. ]

I can feed myself.

(He's not against free food but when Ryouma needs to save his dang money, Hizen can feed himself.)

... Never explained the other me either, y'know.

(DONT THINK HE CAN AVOID THAT TOPIC EITHER.)

I'm happy for ya, but they don't get t' take that too.

[ he's already lost everyone and everything else, so he might as well be stubborn about the one thing he can control. ]

It's a fake, like I said. It only looks like ya, but it's actually Ama-no-Sakahoko.

[ you know... just that spear. no big deal namedropping that's super casually, right?? ]

(And this is how they end up fighting over who pays for meals and sneaking off to pay when people are in the bathroom or something.

Hizen literally only knows this name because of his own connection to Ryouma but especially because of Mutsunokami who has probably told this story at some late night dinner over drinks,)

... Ain't that a spear?

Well, yeah, but it can change shape too.

[ .... ]

Never actually seen it do that and I'm not sure it can at the moment, but I know it? [ it's sort of bound to him now, after all. ] In any case, Matoba figured it might've been as a precaution because he thinks it might be some kinda key..?

[ ryouma shrugs. it's risky magical business he's not unaware of, but isn't the most pressing thing on his mind at the moment either so he'll leave it on the back burner as much as possible. ]

(If it can change shape then... he wants to get a better look. Even he'd been convinced it was him when he saw it. It's strange to think of it as something else. It's stranger to think of it as a spear from legends... that decided to take on his form.)

A precaution? Being like... (Me?) ...that?

(He doesn't get it.)

Yeah, so nobody'll come lookin' for it.

Remember when I was goin' around callin' myself 'Rider'? That's 'cause there's a risk in people knowin' a Servant's True Name. If somebody knows who I am and sees me carryin' around this magic spear, it's real easy to put two and two together. How many famous spears d' ya think I went around pullin' out? But no one's gonna ask questions just 'cause the boss gave me back my family's sword, see?

[ it's another way hizen is helping to keep him safe if you think about it. ]

(It makes sense when he puts it like that. It's why Hizen covers up much of his accent so people can't easily trace him back to others.)

... Could've picked a better disguise.

( open ) 007

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