jigokulogs | ( open ) 007

(It's the same as Hizen remembers. It was Otome who snuck back to retrieve one sword-- a treasured and beloved sword at the time...

Hizen. It had been Hizen and he'd been handed off with a single wish and duty: To protect Ryouma while he was gone. That was his one job and he couldn't do it. He was given away only to break, to be able to do nothing when his master died, and only to hear later on that his first had also been killed. He'd been nothing but a failure. A no good sword.

But Izo had loved him. Izo had fixed him when he could have been scrapped. He'd kept him until the end and when they met again, he praised him and made his love for him so obvious. Ryouma, though? This is... the first time, isn't it?

It is and he looks down, almost... embarrassed? Ashamed?)

... Gonbei took all of us and put us away. (All of the swords. He'd gathered them all up and locked them away to keep Ryouma from leaving.) We knew it wouldn't stop ya though. We knew it and... wished you could've had one of us. It would've made everyone feel better.

(It would have given the family some peace of mind if they'd known their youngest child, their youngest brother had one of their family swords to keep him safe.)

She... Otome picked me. I was s'posed to keep ya safe. (He can feel his throat get tight and speaking feels so much harder.) Didn't feel like a waste. Ya didn't have to be good.

(His head feels like its swimming. Too many memories, too many words, too many feelings, and he puts his head down on his knees. He hates this. He hates how weak this all makes him feel; so brittle that it feels like he could start to crack.)

Don't care that ya gave me away. Really don't. It's 'cause of Izo I'm strong now, y'know? Ya don't gotta say sorry.

(That's not what he wants. It's never what he wanted.)

I just wanna know...

(This is stupid this is stupid this is stupid.)

Even if ya didn't... didn't want me anymore... (No, stop, he can feel himself choking on his words,) Did ya... like me...?

[ ironic how this all started over the imposter he has, which he's now forgotten entirely.

it feels harder to breathe the longer he listens to hizen, and the pinprick of tears in his eyes that he stubbornly refuses to let become more than that makes him look down at the floor and blink until he can get himself under control again. it pains him to see hizen struggle like this.

it's so much that when hizen asks that question ryouma acts before he answers, moving over to him automatically. it's debatable who needs the hug more at this point, but that's what's happening. ]

What d' ya mean "did ya like me"? Of course, I did! You're my family, Hizen, and I love my family. You were carryin' everybody's dreams, y' know? All on your own, ya looked after our most precious people when we couldn't do it ourselves.

[ he'd protected ryouma when his older siblings couldn't look after him anymore and done the same for izō. so much so that it literally broke him... it's a lot. ]

You've had a real hard time of it, haven't ya?

[ he'd said something similar to oryou once, up at the summit of a certain mountain when he'd released her. ryouma can't understand that pain, but he acknowledges it. it's okay. ]

Ya oughta be proud, Hizen. Nobody could ask for more. Ya did good.

(He tenses at the touch and holds his breath. He won't breathe. He won't blink. If he does, he'll let things slip and spill out like he's done once before. He's too proud to let Ryouma see him cry. So instead he just stills himself and lets himself feel the embrace.

After centuries of missing context, it feels like something falls into place in his memory and something shifts. Being loved, being valued, being passed on lovingly to someone precious... instead of being unwanted, a burden, something that was just given away carelessly.

It's too late to change himself completely. He is who he is now. History can't be undone or rewritten even if it can be interpreted a different way.

Eventually, he lets out a shakey breath and mumbles, )

... Shut up.

Well, that's more like it.

[ never one to linger on things any more than necessary, ryouma doesn't mind that response one bit. his face is red, but he held it together, so he can consider it a win ~~even if he might desperately need to unload some of these feelings at some point.~~

he'd like to think it helped, but ryouma is realistic about this just the same as he is with izō. it's a process, but he likes to hope that his name won't be a source of pain for hizen forever. making new memories might at least soften the old ones..?

as for himself, he accepts what he's given gratefully. he can't ask for more. ]

And I'll buy ya dinner again some time for the trouble, how's that?

[ the real struggle is in hizen looking cuter and younger than him even if he isn't. the urge to muss his hair right now is strong. ]

(More mumbling,)

Dont'cha owe like a million yen...

(And he starts to shift, trying to uncurl himself and wipping at his eyes as inconspicuously as possible with his sleeve. He's fine. He wasn't crying (he really wasn't). He wasn't even close. )

Aww, why's everybody gotta remind me like I dunno that? I know! I'll still buy ya dinner!

[ he's fussy about this!! ryouma won't tell if hizen won't, seeing as the red-faced, watery eye look isn't great for him either. after decades of no crying he's supposed to be good at this...

at least right now all he's doing is whining. ]

I can feed myself.

(He's not against free food but when Ryouma needs to save his dang money, Hizen can feed himself.)

... Never explained the other me either, y'know.

(DONT THINK HE CAN AVOID THAT TOPIC EITHER.)

I'm happy for ya, but they don't get t' take that too.

[ he's already lost everyone and everything else, so he might as well be stubborn about the one thing he can control. ]

It's a fake, like I said. It only looks like ya, but it's actually Ama-no-Sakahoko.

[ you know... just that spear. no big deal namedropping that's super casually, right?? ]

(And this is how they end up fighting over who pays for meals and sneaking off to pay when people are in the bathroom or something.

Hizen literally only knows this name because of his own connection to Ryouma but especially because of Mutsunokami who has probably told this story at some late night dinner over drinks,)

... Ain't that a spear?

Well, yeah, but it can change shape too.

[ .... ]

Never actually seen it do that and I'm not sure it can at the moment, but I know it? [ it's sort of bound to him now, after all. ] In any case, Matoba figured it might've been as a precaution because he thinks it might be some kinda key..?

[ ryouma shrugs. it's risky magical business he's not unaware of, but isn't the most pressing thing on his mind at the moment either so he'll leave it on the back burner as much as possible. ]

(If it can change shape then... he wants to get a better look. Even he'd been convinced it was him when he saw it. It's strange to think of it as something else. It's stranger to think of it as a spear from legends... that decided to take on his form.)

A precaution? Being like... (Me?) ...that?

(He doesn't get it.)

Yeah, so nobody'll come lookin' for it.

Remember when I was goin' around callin' myself 'Rider'? That's 'cause there's a risk in people knowin' a Servant's True Name. If somebody knows who I am and sees me carryin' around this magic spear, it's real easy to put two and two together. How many famous spears d' ya think I went around pullin' out? But no one's gonna ask questions just 'cause the boss gave me back my family's sword, see?

[ it's another way hizen is helping to keep him safe if you think about it. ]

(It makes sense when he puts it like that. It's why Hizen covers up much of his accent so people can't easily trace him back to others.)

... Could've picked a better disguise.

( open ) 007

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