[ He undoes his tie, loosens a few buttons down his shirt where his necklaces show, lets the cool night air hit him. He can turn off for the day. No one to order around, no one to show his fangs to. He takes her hand and comes to sit with her. He can't help but think of the hot summers in Tokyo, lolling out the window with Saejima while Yasuko sat in front of a fan. They'd gotten slivers of stars and light pollution, but they'd been together. That's really all that matters.
[in answer, she softly squeezes his hand, and looks up at the stars.]
I come up here sometimes when I can't sleep.
[to feel the night air, to listen to things, feeling so light that if she had the energy she could just fly and keep going, untethered like a kite with a snapped string in a wind current. hard as she works, her mind still churns like the ocean.
it's quieter, around him. easier to soothe it. she lets the silence take up its own comfortable space - the weight of his hand in hers, ensuring she won't fly off, until she finds a shape to words that grow out of her chest. careful, careful. they don't rush each other.]
...Some nights I try and lie down, and I get afraid that when I open my eyes, I won't be here anymore. I'll just be back where I was before you, before Hibiki. All of it the most painful dream.
[ Who of them wouldn't understand that? Losing everything they've worked so hard and so tenderly to put together and drifting back off where they came from? Hadn't he been controlled and manipulated with the fear that he would lose his chance at the sun, be sent back to the Hole?
He squeezes her hand back. There isn't really anything he can say to erase that anxiety. ]
[an echo, because it's exactly what she would tell him if he came to her with this fear. one day at a time, they would wake up, and it would be a better day than what they believed it might be, the proof in the actual moment of existence instead of some nebulous concept.]
Do you know, when I woke up in that city, the first thing I felt was relief. I didn't have to run anymore. I spent so long running from the police, and then from worse...finally, I thought, I was out.
[finally. the gates leading her somewhere outside. not the endless maze, as she once told him it was.]
Then, of course, you know what kind of place it was, but all of it, I was happy to endure. Angry gods, reality falling apart, anything, as long as I didn't go back.
[anything to escape the cycle. and god, how guilty she feels for it, for not thinking about going back for them. but she can cry and mourn for them when it comes time to remember the dead - she'll carry that guilt for them. but Emily knows, she can't return. she'd strike a bargain with hell itself before then.]
[ He reaches over to touch her hair, her cheek, leaned in close to her. ]
What was goin' on, Em?
[ It isn't prying. The conversation is opened, now he coaxes with light touches and reassurance. He was always more tender than was really sensible for a yakuza, but he's also learned a lot from her. ]
[it isn't. if she said nothing, if she begged a topic change, he'd listen and respect it, and so it doesn't feel painful to keep breathing. to condense an untold amount of time into something he'll understand defies her words to explain all of. she doesn't even need to beg please believe me, because Emily knows he will. it's no more outlandish than anything else they've seen or gone through - yet there are still the lingering threads of shame. of needing to prove her pain was worth speaking about.
closing her eyes for a second, she leans into his hand. warm, present. so, so far from before]
I ended up somewhere no one should be able to go. Hunted down in a murderous game.
[it is so hard to fall backwards, and trust that she'll be caught. but she will, she must - placing the most jagged, bloody piece of herself in his hand, and waiting to see what he does with it. opening her eyes, putting the truth of it simply.]
I died - and I came back. And trapped there, it happened again, and again, so much so that I have lost track of the count. I died so much that it almost stopped meaning anything.
[she doesn't know if she counts as alive or dead, truly. a cage in an endless maze was what she had said before. how desperate someone would be then for rest. even Hakagemachi - it was safety, as much as it could be. here, she's even farther away, and it cannot be hell, because people she loves are here. because she is allowed, each day, to be Emily - to not be afraid as much as she could be.]
[ It can't help but remind him of Makoto. He's sure it felt that way to her in Korea, as her mind gave up, and she lost her sight to terror. He doesn't know if she ever found something worth seeing again. He hopes so. He hopes that Emily is finding some meaning again too, hopes that's what is behind trying to tell him this. ]
Been through a lot.
[ And holding it all in quietly while he and Izo struggled to get their feet. He's doing better. He can do it, she has been his determination for a long time now. ]
[she nods. this is what she needed - not someone pitying her for it happening, but an acknowledgement it happened at all. someone to understand that it occurred. it colors her, shapes her reactions. makes her reliable under pressure but leaves her on edge. it happened - and yet. she knows there are people who wouldn't leave her to die even if she begged them to. there's no guarantee she'll come back this time.
somehow, that soothes her. it might be so selfish, but she trusts they wouldn't let her do that again. her voice is a whisper, a feather on the breeze.]
...Yes. But I think now, I'm a little happy I kept coming back, even if I wasn't at the time. Even if it felt like endless torture, mindnumbing and senseless, and I wished death would stick to me. I kept coming back, and so, I was alive to meet you.
[terribly sentimental, she knows. yet he should know that even with her nightmares, she's trying to take those small steps out of the shadow of her past. to find things to delight in now. that's the only way she'll make it here.
she gets another chance to attempt living, instead of dying.]
I've never told anyone that much before.
[Hibiki knew her entire without words, engulfing her soul. Eli and Wujiu had lived that life, knew without explanation. to voice it aloud to someone who didn't know? strange. but not the agony she'd expected it to be.]
[ He tips his chin up to kiss her on the forehead. Everything she says is right. That's how it feels. It was Makoto first. She woke him up out of a deep sleep, the reawakening of a soul inside a skeleton. He's so glad he was still alive to meet her. Chijoku wouldn't have taken him from Sotenbori if he hadn't been alight. Everything would be different. ]
[even though she doesn't say anything immediately, she lets the kiss soak into her, warm and present. an anchor for her. every moment she's awake here, she's not there.]
If...if it ever gets too much, will you sit with me, just like this?
[it's hard to ask for something for herself. hard to admit there's a problem, when the people who love her need her strong and resolute and not full of her own doubts and flaws, not two steps from collapse. this, however...she feels emboldened enough to ask for. space to breathe, as much as he can find in her. no push to say what she wouldn't. but finding comfort in the fact that they're still here.
she won't ask him to promise that she never go back. that's not in his power to decide. but she'll fight to stay beside him just the same.]
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no subject
He kisses her temple. ]
Nice out here.
no subject
I come up here sometimes when I can't sleep.
[to feel the night air, to listen to things, feeling so light that if she had the energy she could just fly and keep going, untethered like a kite with a snapped string in a wind current. hard as she works, her mind still churns like the ocean.
it's quieter, around him. easier to soothe it. she lets the silence take up its own comfortable space - the weight of his hand in hers, ensuring she won't fly off, until she finds a shape to words that grow out of her chest. careful, careful. they don't rush each other.]
...Some nights I try and lie down, and I get afraid that when I open my eyes, I won't be here anymore. I'll just be back where I was before you, before Hibiki. All of it the most painful dream.
[softly spoken, and left to flutter in the wind.]
no subject
He squeezes her hand back. There isn't really anything he can say to erase that anxiety. ]
It's ok. One day at a time, huh?
no subject
[an echo, because it's exactly what she would tell him if he came to her with this fear. one day at a time, they would wake up, and it would be a better day than what they believed it might be, the proof in the actual moment of existence instead of some nebulous concept.]
Do you know, when I woke up in that city, the first thing I felt was relief. I didn't have to run anymore. I spent so long running from the police, and then from worse...finally, I thought, I was out.
[finally. the gates leading her somewhere outside. not the endless maze, as she once told him it was.]
Then, of course, you know what kind of place it was, but all of it, I was happy to endure. Angry gods, reality falling apart, anything, as long as I didn't go back.
[anything to escape the cycle. and god, how guilty she feels for it, for not thinking about going back for them. but she can cry and mourn for them when it comes time to remember the dead - she'll carry that guilt for them. but Emily knows, she can't return. she'd strike a bargain with hell itself before then.]
no subject
What was goin' on, Em?
[ It isn't prying. The conversation is opened, now he coaxes with light touches and reassurance. He was always more tender than was really sensible for a yakuza, but he's also learned a lot from her. ]
no subject
closing her eyes for a second, she leans into his hand. warm, present. so, so far from before]
I ended up somewhere no one should be able to go. Hunted down in a murderous game.
[it is so hard to fall backwards, and trust that she'll be caught. but she will, she must - placing the most jagged, bloody piece of herself in his hand, and waiting to see what he does with it. opening her eyes, putting the truth of it simply.]
I died - and I came back. And trapped there, it happened again, and again, so much so that I have lost track of the count. I died so much that it almost stopped meaning anything.
[she doesn't know if she counts as alive or dead, truly. a cage in an endless maze was what she had said before. how desperate someone would be then for rest. even Hakagemachi - it was safety, as much as it could be. here, she's even farther away, and it cannot be hell, because people she loves are here. because she is allowed, each day, to be Emily - to not be afraid as much as she could be.]
no subject
Been through a lot.
[ And holding it all in quietly while he and Izo struggled to get their feet. He's doing better. He can do it, she has been his determination for a long time now. ]
no subject
somehow, that soothes her. it might be so selfish, but she trusts they wouldn't let her do that again. her voice is a whisper, a feather on the breeze.]
...Yes. But I think now, I'm a little happy I kept coming back, even if I wasn't at the time. Even if it felt like endless torture, mindnumbing and senseless, and I wished death would stick to me. I kept coming back, and so, I was alive to meet you.
[terribly sentimental, she knows. yet he should know that even with her nightmares, she's trying to take those small steps out of the shadow of her past. to find things to delight in now. that's the only way she'll make it here.
she gets another chance to attempt living, instead of dying.]
I've never told anyone that much before.
[Hibiki knew her entire without words, engulfing her soul. Eli and Wujiu had lived that life, knew without explanation. to voice it aloud to someone who didn't know? strange. but not the agony she'd expected it to be.]
no subject
That's right, though.
no subject
If...if it ever gets too much, will you sit with me, just like this?
[it's hard to ask for something for herself. hard to admit there's a problem, when the people who love her need her strong and resolute and not full of her own doubts and flaws, not two steps from collapse. this, however...she feels emboldened enough to ask for. space to breathe, as much as he can find in her. no push to say what she wouldn't. but finding comfort in the fact that they're still here.
she won't ask him to promise that she never go back. that's not in his power to decide. but she'll fight to stay beside him just the same.]
no subject
[ His birds are the only truly important thing in the city. ]