[it isn't. if she said nothing, if she begged a topic change, he'd listen and respect it, and so it doesn't feel painful to keep breathing. to condense an untold amount of time into something he'll understand defies her words to explain all of. she doesn't even need to beg please believe me, because Emily knows he will. it's no more outlandish than anything else they've seen or gone through - yet there are still the lingering threads of shame. of needing to prove her pain was worth speaking about.
closing her eyes for a second, she leans into his hand. warm, present. so, so far from before]
I ended up somewhere no one should be able to go. Hunted down in a murderous game.
[it is so hard to fall backwards, and trust that she'll be caught. but she will, she must - placing the most jagged, bloody piece of herself in his hand, and waiting to see what he does with it. opening her eyes, putting the truth of it simply.]
I died - and I came back. And trapped there, it happened again, and again, so much so that I have lost track of the count. I died so much that it almost stopped meaning anything.
[she doesn't know if she counts as alive or dead, truly. a cage in an endless maze was what she had said before. how desperate someone would be then for rest. even Hakagemachi - it was safety, as much as it could be. here, she's even farther away, and it cannot be hell, because people she loves are here. because she is allowed, each day, to be Emily - to not be afraid as much as she could be.]
[ It can't help but remind him of Makoto. He's sure it felt that way to her in Korea, as her mind gave up, and she lost her sight to terror. He doesn't know if she ever found something worth seeing again. He hopes so. He hopes that Emily is finding some meaning again too, hopes that's what is behind trying to tell him this. ]
Been through a lot.
[ And holding it all in quietly while he and Izo struggled to get their feet. He's doing better. He can do it, she has been his determination for a long time now. ]
[she nods. this is what she needed - not someone pitying her for it happening, but an acknowledgement it happened at all. someone to understand that it occurred. it colors her, shapes her reactions. makes her reliable under pressure but leaves her on edge. it happened - and yet. she knows there are people who wouldn't leave her to die even if she begged them to. there's no guarantee she'll come back this time.
somehow, that soothes her. it might be so selfish, but she trusts they wouldn't let her do that again. her voice is a whisper, a feather on the breeze.]
...Yes. But I think now, I'm a little happy I kept coming back, even if I wasn't at the time. Even if it felt like endless torture, mindnumbing and senseless, and I wished death would stick to me. I kept coming back, and so, I was alive to meet you.
[terribly sentimental, she knows. yet he should know that even with her nightmares, she's trying to take those small steps out of the shadow of her past. to find things to delight in now. that's the only way she'll make it here.
she gets another chance to attempt living, instead of dying.]
I've never told anyone that much before.
[Hibiki knew her entire without words, engulfing her soul. Eli and Wujiu had lived that life, knew without explanation. to voice it aloud to someone who didn't know? strange. but not the agony she'd expected it to be.]
[ He tips his chin up to kiss her on the forehead. Everything she says is right. That's how it feels. It was Makoto first. She woke him up out of a deep sleep, the reawakening of a soul inside a skeleton. He's so glad he was still alive to meet her. Chijoku wouldn't have taken him from Sotenbori if he hadn't been alight. Everything would be different. ]
[even though she doesn't say anything immediately, she lets the kiss soak into her, warm and present. an anchor for her. every moment she's awake here, she's not there.]
If...if it ever gets too much, will you sit with me, just like this?
[it's hard to ask for something for herself. hard to admit there's a problem, when the people who love her need her strong and resolute and not full of her own doubts and flaws, not two steps from collapse. this, however...she feels emboldened enough to ask for. space to breathe, as much as he can find in her. no push to say what she wouldn't. but finding comfort in the fact that they're still here.
she won't ask him to promise that she never go back. that's not in his power to decide. but she'll fight to stay beside him just the same.]
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closing her eyes for a second, she leans into his hand. warm, present. so, so far from before]
I ended up somewhere no one should be able to go. Hunted down in a murderous game.
[it is so hard to fall backwards, and trust that she'll be caught. but she will, she must - placing the most jagged, bloody piece of herself in his hand, and waiting to see what he does with it. opening her eyes, putting the truth of it simply.]
I died - and I came back. And trapped there, it happened again, and again, so much so that I have lost track of the count. I died so much that it almost stopped meaning anything.
[she doesn't know if she counts as alive or dead, truly. a cage in an endless maze was what she had said before. how desperate someone would be then for rest. even Hakagemachi - it was safety, as much as it could be. here, she's even farther away, and it cannot be hell, because people she loves are here. because she is allowed, each day, to be Emily - to not be afraid as much as she could be.]
no subject
Been through a lot.
[ And holding it all in quietly while he and Izo struggled to get their feet. He's doing better. He can do it, she has been his determination for a long time now. ]
no subject
somehow, that soothes her. it might be so selfish, but she trusts they wouldn't let her do that again. her voice is a whisper, a feather on the breeze.]
...Yes. But I think now, I'm a little happy I kept coming back, even if I wasn't at the time. Even if it felt like endless torture, mindnumbing and senseless, and I wished death would stick to me. I kept coming back, and so, I was alive to meet you.
[terribly sentimental, she knows. yet he should know that even with her nightmares, she's trying to take those small steps out of the shadow of her past. to find things to delight in now. that's the only way she'll make it here.
she gets another chance to attempt living, instead of dying.]
I've never told anyone that much before.
[Hibiki knew her entire without words, engulfing her soul. Eli and Wujiu had lived that life, knew without explanation. to voice it aloud to someone who didn't know? strange. but not the agony she'd expected it to be.]
no subject
That's right, though.
no subject
If...if it ever gets too much, will you sit with me, just like this?
[it's hard to ask for something for herself. hard to admit there's a problem, when the people who love her need her strong and resolute and not full of her own doubts and flaws, not two steps from collapse. this, however...she feels emboldened enough to ask for. space to breathe, as much as he can find in her. no push to say what she wouldn't. but finding comfort in the fact that they're still here.
she won't ask him to promise that she never go back. that's not in his power to decide. but she'll fight to stay beside him just the same.]
no subject
[ His birds are the only truly important thing in the city. ]