jigokulogs | July open log and catch-all [OPEN]

[ Izō stops him and shakes his head. ]

Nah, none'a that. I want ya t' do what you wanna do. Gotta start livin' for yerself, ya know?

[ Enough of that for now. ]

How 'bout we get somethin' t' eat? That work for ya?

(It isn't the first time he's heard those words. Ironically, it sounds like something Mutsunokami would tell him but he doesn't listen to Mutsunokami. Or most other people, to be honest. He knows he's stubborn and set in his ways like that. But Izo is different. Hizen is more willing to listen to him than most others.

Still, it's a tall request when he doesn't know how to live for himself. He's still tripping and fumbling his way through being a person. He just sort of... looks down, almost awkwardly like he's trying to avoid really having to acknowledge that order. Request? Hm.

At least he can answer the last part easily,)

Yeah. (He nods and he speaks up,) I wanna drink too.

(HE DOESNT ASK FOR MUCH)

[ He knows it won't be that easy, but Hizen should at least be somewhat heartened in the fact that Izō believes in him. If Izō could start to see himself as more than a killer, maybe Hizen can see himself as more than a tool. ]

'Course. Whatcha in th' mood for? Anythin'. My treat, cost don't matter.

[ With his rank came money he has no idea what to do with. Spoiling Hizen is a better use than gambling and drinking it all away by himself. ]

... Anything.

(Which doesn't really answer the question but he isn't picky. He likes all food and he's happy to go anywhere Izo wants to. Admitting he wants to go somewhere he wants to drink is more than enough to say out loud, right?)

...Yakiniku?

[ That's anything. He knows a fairly cheap place -- cheap cuts of meat eat the same as expensive ones, at least in Izō's experience. ]

(He perks up just a little! Yes, he likes the sound of that--)

Yakiniku's good.

(Very good, even.)

[ He looks relieved -- not that he expected Hizen to object to his suggestion. The sword boy is very food motivated. Izō motions for him to follow and leads the way.

Once they're in and seated with the promised drinks and pile of meat, he lets Hizen get first pick of what he wants. ]

I owe ya a lot more'n this, but...'s a good start, ain't it?

(With the metal tongs, he begins to set some of the cuts on the grill. It's a nice distraction from everything else.)

... Went back to look for you. Couldn't find you anywhere...

(And he really did try to look. Though he failed, he still wants Izo to know. He wants to know Hizen didn't give up on him.)

Ya don't know anything. I should've stayed.

I...didn't wanna be found. Majima only found me 'cause of his youkai.

[ The uwabami allowed him to taste the air and track Izō in a way no one else could. He grimaces. Shame washes over him and he recoils in on himself a little. ]

Ya only did what I asked'a ya. I'm...sorry. Ya deserved better'n that.

(He doesn't reply right away, letting the meat cook before he reaches with the tongs and sets the first piece on Izo's plate and the second on his own.

Did he deserve better? If he believes what he's been told then... )

You didn't wanna hurt me. (He can acknowledge that much. He can understand it.) It's all in the past now. 'S not like we can change it.

(A piece of meat, a bit of rice. His grip on his chopsticks feels shaky but he persists. He's fine.)

[ Hizen is right. Izō told him to leave for his own safety. He didn't know how long he had before the frenzy set back in. Karasu's presence in his head that night had been unbearable and overwhelming. The barrier between them was basically nonexistent.

He shrugs. ]

Yeah, don't mean I don't feel shitty 'bout what I did.

(The drinks come out and he focuses on putting more meat onto the grill,)

Would you do it again?

...I dunno. I wanna say no, but I dunno. I don't wanna hurt anyone that cares 'bout me.

[ Physically or emotional.

Izō looks uncomfortable, like he's trying not to cry. He didn't expect this to be an easy reunion, but it's still hard to deal with the emotions boiling up in him. ]

(Wordlessly, adding more food to Izo's side before his own because he can recognize that look well enough. He's bad at words but he can express himself in other ways,)

Eat.

(He won't continue until they both take a few bites after which--)

You're different the Izo I know. Still the same in a lotta ways but still different. I bet the Tadahiro ya had's probably the same way.

(Pouring some drinks. This was supposed to be Izo's treat but it he doesn't mind taking care of things. He prefers it, actually. These are things that come to him naturally-- a natural desire to serve, to be useful, to be good.)

When I broke, I thought that was the end. He'd keep usin' me 'til something better came along just like Ryouma did. (Like the way Ryouma passed him off to Izo because the sword he truly wanted was Mutsunokami,) When he had enough to get me fixed up finally, they said he was better off getting a new sword. Even if I got fixed, I wouldn't be as good as before.

Really thought he'd take the deal `n' ditch me but he kept me. He didn't want any other sword. He wanted me. So I felt... I'd always be his. No matter what happened, I'd always be Okada Izo's sword and I'd stick with him like he stuck with me.

(As he reaches across the table to set more meat on the grill, his grip seems to shake and the piece drops on the edge instead. He's anxious. His hold on things isn't as steady as he'd like it to be. He clicks his tongue in annoyance and tries again,)

... I wanted to stay. If I was afraid of bein' hurt... I wouldn't've been out in the first place.

[ It's hard to listen. He wants to yell, to stop Hizen from saying anything else, but it isn't fair. It's only fair he get to say his piece and it's only fair Izō listen. He wipes at his eyes in a futile to attempt to maintain his composure, then stuffs a piece of meat in his mouth to delay the inevitable. ]

I know... [ His voice threatens to break and his embarrassment grows. ] I-I...I didn't want ya t' leave. I didn't...wanna drive ya away.

[ He keeps his voice quiet as he shrinks in on himself. It was cowardly for him to drive everyone away, to run off into the night like it wouldn't matter. It was cowardly to avoid anyone trying to find him. What else was he supposed to do, though? What was the right answer?

There wasn't one. ]

I wanted ya t' stay...I didn't wanna be alone after all that. Could always rely on ya...an' I was too fuckin' scared to do it. Some fuckin' master I am, huh?

(They really are the same in a lot of ways.

He's said what he's already wanted to say and he feels weaker and more anxious for it. He doesn't get how Mutsunokami can do this-- talking easily about whatever is on his mind. He feels like saying everything out loud has just made his burdens feel more real and his heart more vulnerable. If he could take back what he said, he probably would. It's easier to just keep things to himself, he thinks but there's no taking things back now.

He listens to Izo quietly because it's his turn to speak now and shrinks back a little more in his own chair. Not nearly as much as Izo but just enough that it's still noticeable.

"I didn't want you to leave." But Hizen left.
"I didn't wannna drive ya away." But Izo do.

What a mess. His throat feels tight in that uncomfortable way again and he can feel his face grow warm. He won't cry. He's done it once already and he doesn't want to do it again but he can feel his eyes start to water. He tells himself it must be because of the smoke in the restaurant.)

You're mine. (It doesn't matter what Izo does. It doesn't matter if this is a different Izo. ) Even if you're different... and even if ya aren't at your best...

(The piece of meat that Hizen had laid on on the grill begins to burn, turning to coal under uneven flames,)

Okada Izo's my master. I'm yours.

(Yes, his eyes are definitely watering because of the smoke and he scrapes at the pieces on the grated grill to distract himself for a moment,)

... 'Sides... I've seen worse. (He was always with Izo; for every high and every low in life, he'd been there except for the very end and... even if he hadn't been there, he'd still inherited that story and can recall the moment well.) ... Seen the best too.

[ If they weren't in public, he'd give Hizen a hug right now. It hurts to see Hizen like this and it hurts worse to know he's the cause of it. Izō exhales a shaky breath and wipes at his face. Having some kind of composure would be nice. The best he can hope for is his voice not breaking while he tries to offer some kind of consolation. ]

Yer mine. Always will be...No matter what stupid shit I do. At my best an' worst, ya were there for me. Wouldn't want it any other way...

[ Izō laughs quietly, a poor attempt to cover up the fact he's absolutely crying now. ]

...Sorry. For makin' ya worry.

(If they weren't in public, he'd definitely reach out and wipe his eyes but as it is, the most he can do is slide over some of the wet wipes and napkins from the table over towards him and gently scold,)

Oi, wipe your face. Don't want everyone t'see ya.

(A little teasing, a weak attempt at lightening the mood. And back to grilling the rest of the meat, making sure Izo gets plenty for himself, too.)

Try to get rid of me again and I'll kick your ass, got it?

(He isn't leaving Izo like that ever again.)

[ Izō doesn't like being teased, no matter who it's coming from. He snatches one of the wet wipes with a glare and a huff. A moment to scrub at his face and pat it dry and he's in a slightly better mood. ]

Yeah, yeah... [ The meat is a nice distraction, giving him something to stuff his face with. ] Ya better. Don't let me do anythin' stupid like that again...

July open log and catch-all [OPEN]

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