jigokulogs | [open] a real nightmare

He died full've bullets so I could escape. Couldn't tell him t'go if I wanted to.

[ He shifts how he's sitting, ankle at his knee and slouched. ]

I know he feels some kinda way about me. If Chijoku weren't already takin' up th'spot, he'd crawl inside me.

[ It's disconcerting. It's dizzying. The constant and effusive praise blurs his good sense. Sagawa had tried it on him too, at first. With his mind and body in tatters out of the Hole, of course his handler started with affection and praise. That had become something else. Nishitani's gross lack of guile makes it seem different this time. He's tempted by the idea that another yakuza still sees something in him even after everything that's happened, but at the same time... ]

Edited (wordskip) 2022-05-19 03:00 (UTC)

[there's something that shifts in her presence, the way she holds herself, folding her hands together so they can't do anything she doesn't want them to. wound just that degree tighter.]

...if he hadn't died for you, would you feel the same way still?

[would the snake have to be the buffer from that man coming in through the cracks? she hasn't told Goro what she'd forced the other yakuza to swear to her, the words that still ring in her mind from that moment. I want him out, Emily-chan. The him you know might change doing just that. change has to be for the better, because at least it's not the slow stagnation. but it still lingers, pressed against some nerve in her.

it isn't like she doesn't understand. her own contract, signed for the sake of saving another.]

Maybe. He was th'only one talkin' about gettin' me free.

[ It hadn't mattered at the time. Only Makoto had mattered because she was an innocent who had suffered. In Nishitani's eyes: so is Majima. ]

Wasn't just some wasted fuck up, th'way he talked about it. He wanted me t'join his clan.

[ He knows she won't understand why that's really quite a monumental thing. ]

We're in rival clans. If he'd taken me in, might've sparked off a feud with my oyaji an' the rest've the Tojo. My handler in th'Omi woulda been pissed too, I was makin' him a lot of money.

[ Nishitani had been willing to fight the world to have him and had put his money where his mouth was: put down his entire life on the line and lost it. ]

So he was going to set everything ablaze just to get you to join his team.

[that she can understand. in someone's eyes, that could be romantic. that could be worth moving mountains for. but then also, meeting the man, she couldn't comfortably do that. but still, still...]

It sounds like he was trying to give you hope.

[even if he'd lost his life in the process of it. even if it didn't work out. he was willing to try, and that's a lot, in that world. a lifeline to hold onto. the story of the man and the spider's thread in hell.]

That would be hard to say no to, all considered.

[ He purses his lips. As it turns out, he didn't say no and he brought a complete animal back home to meet his birds. ]

I don't feel th'way he does but when all that... is barreling down at me... Dunno, just wanna let it.

[ He rubs the back of his neck. ]

He's real certain about everything.

[ And Majima is a submissive personality, despite how hard he tries to act otherwise. He has always attached himself to someone else for stability. He is no good on his own. ]

[she's quiet, for a long moment. head bowed, hands in her lap, trying to breathe, and then, softly:]

...would it help if I say I understand, intimately?

[not to take away from anything he said. not to redirect the spotlight, to take over. just to let him know she does understand, in a true and raw way that's not just sympathy poured down for his circumstances. it's a wound in a similar shape, a similar scar left across her. she understands.]

I dunno. It's not always a good feelin'.

[ Sometimes it makes him more nervous than not. Nishitani's hyper-sexual behavior is a helpful analgesic to that but it gets through a little anyway; that nerve pain sensation of this isn't right.

He turns his head all the way to look at her though, since he knows that's really a rhetorical question. ]

You all right, Em?

Edited (my whitespace nemesis) 2022-05-19 04:15 (UTC)

[she nods almost immediately. a reflex, like his words are the hammer hitting her knee to test it kicking back. she's all right, she has to be. and then she pauses, tries to dial it back. he's asking because he wants to know, she tells herself.]

I don't wish to make this conversation about me, and to seem like I'm forgetting what you're telling me.

[her own pain doesn't mean she doesn't want to look to his. that's why she asked in the first place.]

[ That feels like his fault. That it's so hard to get him to say anything at all that people feel like they have to stop and listen to it. Sure, he wants to be heard, but not at anyone's expense. ]

I know it ain't like that.

I know. It's not you, Goro.

[it's herself, and how she has to put these words together, to stay steady when her heart is a roiling sea.

taking a breath, she raises her head to look at him. if she keeps looking, she can ground herself in the now, and not fall away. it's easy to pretend she's fine, and harder to say she isn't. especially when she knows, they look to her to be the steady one, the safe harbor. how can she take care of them if she goes to pieces? she can't.]

I told you about the woman I killed. I didn't tell you about her daughter.

[ His eyebrows pinch inward as that thought processes. What do you feel when the child of someone you killed comes to you? Guilt, he assumes. A painful sense of obligation. ]

No, ya didn't. Did ya meet her, Em?

[ He tilts his head at her, paying attention with concern. ]

More than that. She was my patient.

[a deep breath, a slow exhale.]

I knew her first, actually. She was really only a child when she was at the asylum. One of the ones I was assigned to in my volunteer rounds. And I believed the reports, that there was something wrong that needed to be treated. But I found out if you try to fix a problem that isn't even there, then you end up creating one, bigger and deeper than you could know. Even if you uphold your sworn oath to heal the entire time.

[she doesn't think that in the end, Lisa Beck or any of those children needed fixing at all. they were sad, angry, scared - they were children, lashing out at a world that had been harsh to them. some had terrible behaviors, some had gone through horrible things, but did that mean they didn't deserve a chance? how blind she had been. how wretchedly, disgustingly ignorant.]

Then the business with her mother, and I had left her an orphan.

[accident or not, she'll carry that on her back til the day her soul ceases to exist. her eyes close for a second, and then reopen. all of it, so Goro has no illusions about how decent of a person she is or is not.]

...When we reunited, years later, she was a different person entirely. The "her" she was slipped away somewhere, and someone else had come to live in her skin. A different name, a different attitude. No memory of what had occurred, because of what occurred. And she...attached to me. Caring, devoted. "My angel." It...

[Emily knows Goro will understand what she means. you can't say no to that. you can't walk away from someone whose life you destroyed like that. even as they draw near, and everything's so terribly mixed up inside. in the face of someone like that, how do you turn away? you don't. if she was here, Emily would be the same way.]

Edited 2022-05-19 07:07 (UTC)

[ That sounds like the foundations of a horror movie to him. He can imagine how painful and frightening that would be. The obsessed girl that you know but who doesn't know herself. He shifts closer to Emily, reaching out with careful hands. ]

Ya've been holdin' on t'that, huh...

[ He feels for the girl. He feels for Emily. The world has the most incredible way of being vicious and impossible. ]

[her hand comes to meet his, to hold it, reminding herself that it's words. they're words, and yet he isn't pulling away from her yet, even though whatever image he has of her, it must be flaking away, to reveal the messy truth underneath. there's much she could say. that she holds onto a lot. that the scars on her arms have their own story too. and god, how will she ever explain the hell that made Hakagemachi a sanctuary of escape? it's too much.]

Her recovery is what my contract is for.

[and that's how much it weighs down on her, iron manacles she put on her own wrists. because she can't turn away from someone who looks at her, trusts her, and doesn't know how much Emily did to her, even by mistake.]

I'm not a good person, Goro, but I know I need to atone. I won't pretend I don't.

Edited 2022-05-20 06:42 (UTC)

Em...

[ He cradles her hand in both of his, leaning forward towards her. He really does hate to see her get upset like that. He can't help it, he's the kind of man who panics when a woman starts to cry. As though he can't possibly have the necessary skills to be gentle enough with her but he also always chooses to set any machismo aside and be gentle anyway. ]

We're both workin' hard to fix what we done wrong. It's ok.

[ She isn't the only one who has made terrible mistakes. It's just that only she can feel the weight of hers. ]

Edited 2022-05-21 17:53 (UTC)

[is it really okay, she wants to say, doubt bubbling up inside of her. but she wants to believe him, she always does because she knows they're both trying. each day, they're trying to move a little more towards the future. he graces her with his presence, and she finds strength in it.]

...day by day, after all.

[even if hell never pulls through, does it still count that they tried? that they put the effort in, the wishes in? she hopes so, even though it's a difficult concept to swallow. looking up a little more at him, she tries to smile.]

And we'll manage, with your friend.

[she wants to think the best of him, if it's possible. it will make things bearable.]

[ He makes kind of a face, aware that she's trying to put her doubts aside and also dubious that he and Nishitani are exactly friends. They'd talked about it that way, a little, before Nishitani had died but the reality of the situation is a little more complicated than that. Nishitani is a little bit more like a drug he shouldn't be indulging in than anything else. ]

He's not goin' anywhere, anyway.

["friend" was the most generous term she could think of for the man. something that was better than "attachment".]

He's still not allowed in my apartment.

[so. if he ever becomes overwhelming, Goro knows where he can escape to.]

Good.

[ Because he doesn't need to be leering at her in her own private space, Majima knows exactly how that would go. He's not even thinking about himself: he can handle Nishitani, he's determined to it. ]

[open] a real nightmare

cw: abuse topics

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject