He was very good at pretending to be okay. He was very good at pretending a lot of things. He moved through his life with a sharp smile and a knife hidden behind his back. He was the kind of person who hid a guqin string in his own flesh, just in case he needed it. He was a small scared fox whose heartbeat was against the cage he found himself in. Whether it was made of iron or gold.
It was supposed to be a lunch break from the festivities but he really didn't feel like eating at all.
Instead, he was curled up into a little ball on top of his futon. Most of his tails wrapped around him so one could only see two triangles and some bare feet sticking out. His experiences with sex weren't bad perse. He had enjoyed the company of the women he had met, but a part of him repressed a lot of his darker feelings when it came to sex. That he hadn't had any since sleeping with Qin Su when he was in his twenties. That sex came with a plethora of self-hatred and complicated feelings attached to it.
That he felt like he was inherently dirty and deserved nothing of the sort. He was shaking under the tails, Koemi speaking to him in a soft voice in an attempt to calm him. She talked to him like his mother used to, in soft tones reminding him to breathe.
Nie Huaisang had spoken his piece about Jin Guangyao's participation in the bathhouse orgy shortly after Tenkohime's announcement regarding the festivities. While he'd deferred to his old enemy, he hadn't been able to shake his misgivings. Of course, the cash bonus being offered to them was attractive and would come in handy. He understands the promise of capital is a powerful motivation but he's a firm believer in respecting people's limitations, whether they be someone else's or his own.
In all the years that he's known Jin Guangyao, he's always had respect for the circumstances of his birth. A child cannot choose its parents or what bloodline it is born into and while he might be a harsh critic of the man's other faults, this is one thing he's never held against him. Nor does he intend to.
So he's been peeking in Jin Guangyao when he can between customers, keeping a discreet eye on him to see how he's holding up under the pressure. As bad of an idea as he thinks Jin Guangyao's plan is, it's not his decision to make. All he can do is look out for him and lend what support he can throughout the day.
Finally, lunchtime comes around and after Nie Huaisang's cleaned up and attired in a fresh yukata, he makes his way to Jin Guangyao's room.
"Guangyao?" he calls out softly, poking his head in the door.
Jin Guangyao always pushed himself to perform. Whether he wanted to or not was always secondary if not tertiary. It never mattered what he had wanted, if he could not be useful then he was worth nothing. And useless things were thrown downstairs or into the gutter.
No, very early on he had learned to be useful. Be quiet Meng Yao, quiet as a mouse. If the client hears they will hurt you. Walk softly Meng Yao, Care for the babies so their mamas could work. Shhh, Shh... baby it's okay. Be quiet and Gege will give you some nice cool fruit.
Shhh, make no noise, don't look at the bruises A-Niang has on her skin. Quick hide when the madame is coming. Hide, there is a client, he is hurting A-Niang... Stop him stop him. Not safe. It hurts...
Cook and be useful, keep your eyes lowered and serve.
And smile Smile until your face hurts. The gentry only cares about how they can use you and you let them. You let them use you...
What wouldn't you do for your position?! Qin Su's voice screamed from the back of his memory.
He let them use him. He became their knife, their weapon doing all kinds of disgusting things. Leave your body A-Yao. Your hands can cut the skin here, and pull out organs there. Just like skinning a pig. See? Not so bad. Survive.
He wasn't safe, not safe.
His feet tucked into the ball of fur at the sound of the voice. He was hiding, he was in the closet of A-Niangs room. He wasn't there he was hiding... he was hiding.
He should've pushed him harder to sit this one out and let him handle it. They'd had an agreement to pool their resources as part of their alliance. Pushing himself this hard hadn't been necessary at all. Sharing his bonus had been part of his plan all along and was one of his motivators for working as hard as he's been doing all day. The bigger the bonus Nie Huaisang earned, the more he'd have to split.
For a moment, he's terribly reminded of the day when Mo Xuanyu first brought up using the sacrificial ritual to avenge himself. But unlike that day, he's not worn out by years of festering grief or a pessimistic awareness that the only justice his older brother would ever get would be what he pursued himself. Today, he's wiser and more balanced than he'd been during that dark time so he walks over to the futon and lays down beside Jin Guangyao, carefully putting his arms around him to protect and anchor him and hopefully lead him out of whatever dark place his mind has escaped to.
He doesn't say anything yet, simply holding the other man.
He didn't want to feel useless. If he wasn't going to push himself how could he be useful? People only liked him if they could use him. Nie Mingjue, threw him down the stairs after he could not be what he wanted him to be. He couldn't be righteous so he was a son of a whore and thrown away. The first man to say he was with something. He was worth nothing. He wasn't worth anything to anyone.
And even Lan Xichen...
He couldn't help the wrecked sob that came from him. He hadn't allowed himself to think of him since...Pushing him away to live in the plucking of his guqin strings alone. Composing heartbroken songs about the man he could never ever hurt. The one who broke his heart so completely.
When people saw him for himself, the broken and mangled man he was they usually stepped back in repulsion. Qin Su's horror-stricken expression superimposed onto Lan Xichen's face.
He felt the arms around him, and Huaisang could probably feel him trembling. He was in truth so much frailer and smaller than he pretended to be. All of the inner steel was a sharp survival tactic. Hurt them before they hurt you. Kill them before they kill you. Survive.
His voice came out in a choked cry, sounding more like a wounded fox than a human. Once started the tears didn't stop. His claws dug into the skin of his chest as if he could scratch out the beating heart out of his own ribcage.
It's peculiar to be in this position of giving comfort and aid considering their bloody history. But he'd made the decision to close that door permanently the day of the Coffin-Sealing Ceremony after he'd buried his brother for the second time. He'd lost ten years of his life that he'll never get back to revenge against this man and wound up with only lonelness and the painful realization that he'd locked himself into the same social prison his enemy had somehow lived in all these years.
That Jin Guangyao is somehow alive here, breathing, bears no impact on that choice. Finally letting go of the hatred and grief that poisoned him and twisted his mind to focus on his present and future was the best course for him to take now. In this place, they are of the same clan and he's honor-bound to give Jin Guangyao the same consideration he would give any other clan member in clear distress.
Besides, Jin Guangyao's put a lot of effort into taking care of him over the years as well as during their time in Jigoku-cho.
Nie Huaisang just lets the man cry and release whatever emotions he needs to without judgment or condemnation, concentrating on brushing his fingertips over his hair and down his back like he might do with one of his young disciples struggling with nightmares back home.
Jin Guangyao had not been held like this since he was sobbing into Jin Zixuan's chest in Hakagemachi. He missed his brother a lot his time with him was so short. He hadn't thrown him away. He told him he won't throw away his brother even with all the crimes he had committed.
He hiccuped. He thought of Jin Ling, who still loved him despite everything. His body pressed against his side when they slept to the sound of the incessant rain of that land. Curled up against the Fairy doll he had stitched him with all the scrap fabric from their robes. The boy he loved with his whole heart. The one it was safe for him to love. And even of Wei Wuxian back there, a matching black fox to his gold, both of them flanking A-Ling protectively. Closing ranks in that scary world, especially after Wangji's death they tried to support him. He thought of Gojyo with his easy smile and the way he wore his scars like an old coat. He was not alone. He had friends, he had people who loved him even after knowing what he was.
Tears still streamed from his eyes, but the howling wounding had begun to subside slowly. Cresting once before slipping to much calmer seas.
He turned his body, though he was naked under his tails, freshly showered, and wrapped his arms around his once enemy.
"I'm sorry, for that display," he said quietly. his voice hoarse. "Thank you for holding me."
"You don't have to apologize," he says softly, tone tinged with worry and concern. "Not for this. I understand that today must be a lot for you to handle."
Fighting for so long to separate himself from his less-than-ideal heritage, to escape the life his mother had been trapped in. That Sisi and her sisters had been trapped in. It's a harsh, brutal life, one he hadn't fully begun to understand until his investigation into his former enemy's life. Part of his rage at the injustice of what Sisi's sisters had gone through had been fueled by a new understanding of just how difficult their lives had been.
"It'd be difficult for anyone not accustomed to it. I imagine it'd be even tougher for someone with your background to be in this position again."
It's been a bit of a strain for himself, being naturally a timid introvert outside of people he's comfortable with, but it's gotten easier with each customer as he's improvised whatever persona is needed to have them walk away satisfied.
Nie Huaisang doesn't seem to pay the other man's nudity any mind, focusing instead on wiping his tears like his brother used to do for him when he was little.
"You don't have to do this if it's too much for you right now. I can handle it myself."
He wiped at his face, his chest was scratched up with fresh bloody marks, over the deep scars that were already there.
"I think I bit off more than I could chew. It wasn't even bad. The people I was with were kind. I mostly did sensation play with one client and another just wanted to learn how to do oral and tested it out on me. It was all talked through and fine. the rest mostly wanted company. I just..." he took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He was going to try and vocalize what was wrong.
"Huaisang. I... I'm just inherently dirty and I can't stop believing it. I have always been beaten for being A-Niang's child, for trying to get an education. People wipe their cups after I serve them. They have always treated me like this. Like I am filth and if I touch something it too will become filthy." his breathing was hitched but he tried to push through.
"Once upon a time, a woman loved me for me. She told her father and mine that she wanted to marry me and would accept no one else. She laughed as we made love. For the first time in my life, I didn't feel dirty. I could believe that I wasn't. That she had convinced me that I wasn't something filthy. I had thought that I could live happily like this, with her and our child. I was so aesthetic. I really wanted a family. A family I could love as unconditionally as A-Niang loved me.
I... Her mother came to me a mere week before the wedding, I had already sent the invitations out. I..." he choked a little bit with the memory. "I am so disgusting. I didn't know what to do. I could never abandon a woman and my child like A-Niang and I had done to us. If I canceled the wedding it would have all come out. And father would have killed us. A-Su could have ended up in a brothel disgraced. Or flung herself down the tower steps.
I just all I could do was protect my sweet, kind sister who was unlucky enough to have met me. Living in gilded gold in a cold and empty marriage bed. I told her I was impotent.
I never touched her again. I would never cheat on her. I would never do that to her. I haven't had sex or even touched anyone since then.
Most of this is knowledge Nie Huaisang already knows and has been aware of for some time. At least, the broad strokes of it. Of course, he's always noticed how others have wiped cups and other objects after Jin Guangyao has touched them and wondered what it would be like to go through life like that. In his younger years, back before everything had gone wrong between them, it'd been part of what had motivated him to always greet jin Guangyao with a smile and a hug and treasure each and every present the man had given him over the years.
Even now, he still carries the fan jin Guangyao had given him so many years ago and carries it with him everywhere.
Hearing this story now hits much differently now than it used to. Back then, he'd been so cold, hardened by bitterness, cynicism, and rage, more preoccupied with his own troubles and fears as the sect leader of the Qinghe Nie, weighed down by his burdens of responsibility and filial obligation. But right now, his emotions are present, engaged in the moment, and not locked away deep inside in a place within where they couldn't interfere or be an inconvenience in the task he'd set out to do.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have taken her away from you. Neither of you deserved the pain this tragedy caused you both. It wasn't your fault that you didn't know. It wasn't her fault that she didn't know either. Her mother failed to protect her effectively and the two of you paid a terrible price because of it."
He pauses, noticing the scratches.
"Did someone do this to you or did you do it to yourself? Do you have anything I can clean it with on hand? Any healing salves I can put on it?"
Jin Guangyao had bandaged his hands once after he'd reached desperately into a fire to save what had come to symbolize something precious and irreplaceable to him.
He leaned into him as he spoke, his breath evening out softly.
"It was bound to come out sooner or later. If you hadn't bought that woman, anyone else could have. I do not even blame A-Su's mother. How could I? She was raped. She was raped by her husband's more powerful best friend. I hated her sometimes for telling me, as I hated Madame Jin for beating me as she used to. But...I understand too. It is really hard being a woman in that place. Where things are chosen for you. Where you are powerless. Even still I cannot hate them. And I can't hate you. I know what you must have gone through and how scared you must have been. How can I hate you for that?" he looked up at him before continuing.
"I was afraid to tell her. I was just trying to get through the days back then. And then it was too long. When A-Song was born...I counted all of his toes and fingers. I was so scared. I was afraid for him and what the discovery would mean for us. It was all mixed in together, Love for his fear of him and for him. I am a monster of a father. I was relieved somewhere in me when he was killed...But I was. I was relieved he didn't have to live and suffer in a world that would be cruel to him. " the tears started up again. He remembered holding that little body in his hands. Remembered seeing it in the rains of Hakagemachi, hearing his high-pitched voice calling for him. "He died because he was my blood. I taint everything I touch. It happened and I did nothing to stop it. I want to bring him back to her. But what will like even be for them in a world that will know what they are. How can I even protect them? She'll never want to see me again. Is this a selfish wish?"
He looked down at his chest as if noticing them for the first time.
"I must have...scratched it when I was in that state. I get like that sometimes. It is easier to take it out on my own skin...Or to try the thoughts from coming.
Nie Huaisang squeezes his shoulder briefly before getting up to fetch the medicine and bandages from the chest. He still has three more customers he needs to entertain and it's looking like he'll be running late to the parade. But hopefully, Wei Wuxian will understand. Right now, his obligation to the Tamamo Clan supercedes any connection he has outside of it. He has a duty to protect their own and that duty is helping him keep a firm rein over his own emotions.
Once he fetches the goods, he comes back to the futon and starts tending to the scratches with a calm, professional air few ever see. Nie Huaisang rarely shows his true strength or conviction to others but right now, it feels necessary and appropriate with Jin Guangyao in such an emotionally fragile state. Right now though, he needs to get the other man stabilized long enough for him to get the rest of his work finished.
"Do you do this to yourself often?" he asks quietly as he dabs at the scratches. "I'm glad that you don't hate me. I don't hate you either. Not anymore. I've moved on from that. Or at least, I've chosen to. And I'm trying."
Dab, dab. Wipe. Dab.
"In the end, all we can do is try and hope for the best. You worked really hard today. Maybe a little too hard. I think your mother would be proud of you. She would understand what you're trying to do. That you're trying to set things right by your family."
It felt good. Just not to have to be the one who has it all together for once. He felt a bit guilty as well, surely Huaisang should be eating his lunch and meeting more clients. But here he was taking care of him. His eyes softened.
"Yes, Ever since I was spying on the Wens. When I was younger I would just tense up and A-Niang would get me to start breathing. I can't seem to really stop the thoughts sometimes and it forces me back to my body again. I cannot seem to stop the memories so I try to push them down.
I'm glad too. I have never hated you. I always thought you were the kind of sweet person I wished I was allowed to be. I'm sorry that you had to harden as well. The world is cruel." he hissed in pain softly.
"I have one more box, I may seek out my friend from Hakagemachi and see if he wants to just fill the last one. I can just talk to him and I trust him."
He was silent for a little bit.
"I don't know if I've ever done anything that A-Niang could be proud of. I really miss her so much. I want them to be safe and happy. That is all I want. I could move on then."
"I suspect it'll be a long time before we see the end results of our labor here, Guangyao," he says, ever the practical realist, but he keeps his tone as kind and gentle as he possibly can.
If Jin Guangyao clings to that dream alone for motivation, he risks facing disillusionment and despair later in his journey. He's changed from the man Nie Huaisang had killed and he's finding that he rather likes the progress he's made and wishes to keep supporting his growth.
"I doubt Da-ge would be proud of anything i've done since his passing. He'd certainly disapprove of the activities I'm doing now, I'm sure," he continues, matter-of-fact and a little resigned but he's long since accepted that the way he goes about doing things for their clan will never align with his views of morality or what he felt was right.
He finishes tending to the wounds with an oddly efficient sort of tenderness. They both still have work to do and Nie Huaisang needs time to eat so he'll have the energy to continue with his tasks.
"I think turning to your friend would be wise. Let him help you and give yourself time to breathe and relax. You've done enough work for today," he says firmly and decisively in a tone usually reserved for his disciples within the walls of their keep back home.
"I know that, but thank you for the reminder. I suppose there is no point in worrying about it right now, in any case." he took a breath and let it out slowly.
He was already so tired. He still had one more client to fill on his card and then the night parade to go to. He had no idea how he was going to do this, but it wasn't the first time he was exhausted.
"I think he would be proud of you for killing me and keeping your sect in one piece. Perhaps if he was as he once was, before the saber spirit got his mind he would have been more understanding. The Nie Mingjue who I had met on the field and the one who died in Qinghe were not the same man, I think. He loved you so dearly, Huaisang. I hope you know that."
he knew what it was to walk their path and it was impossible for someone like his Da-ge to understand what it would be like. But he could hope. For his sake, he wished that memory could be kinder.
"I had prepared a donburi for us on the table. You should have yours. There is some soup in the thermos as well."
But Nie Mingjue wasn't the man he'd once been and part of that had been due to Jin Guangyao poisoning him. Even if the man had acted to protect them both, Nie Huaisang's final days with his brother had been spent in continuous conflict and he'd died without ever knowing of his remorse or regret.
Still, Jin Guangyao had already been punished for his crimes and now he was facing his karma, bettering himself in preparation for his next life. There's nothing either of them can say that will ever truly erase what happened but they have a choice in this world. They can continue fighting, neither side the victor, and both risk expulsion from the clan in the process or they can let it go and keep moving forward, healing their wounds and learnng how to forgive one another.
Nie Huaisang has always been a smarter man than he appears on the surface. He knows which path will prove more productive and lead them both to the goals they both seek. And he's determined to walk it, no matter who or what stands in his way.
"Thank you for the meal, Guangyao. I'd like to eat it now so we can both get back to work. The sooner we're finished here, the sooner we can both relax. Maybe even have time to enjoy the parade a little before it's time to head home."
He gives the man's shoulder one last pat and heads toward the table.
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[closed to Nie Huaisang] backdated to during the bathhouse event.
Jin Guangyao was not okay.
He was very good at pretending to be okay. He was very good at pretending a lot of things. He moved through his life with a sharp smile and a knife hidden behind his back. He was the kind of person who hid a guqin string in his own flesh, just in case he needed it. He was a small scared fox whose heartbeat was against the cage he found himself in. Whether it was made of iron or gold.
It was supposed to be a lunch break from the festivities but he really didn't feel like eating at all.
Instead, he was curled up into a little ball on top of his futon. Most of his tails wrapped around him so one could only see two triangles and some bare feet sticking out. His experiences with sex weren't bad perse. He had enjoyed the company of the women he had met, but a part of him repressed a lot of his darker feelings when it came to sex. That he hadn't had any since sleeping with Qin Su when he was in his twenties. That sex came with a plethora of self-hatred and complicated feelings attached to it.
That he felt like he was inherently dirty and deserved nothing of the sort. He was shaking under the tails, Koemi speaking to him in a soft voice in an attempt to calm him. She talked to him like his mother used to, in soft tones reminding him to breathe.
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In all the years that he's known Jin Guangyao, he's always had respect for the circumstances of his birth. A child cannot choose its parents or what bloodline it is born into and while he might be a harsh critic of the man's other faults, this is one thing he's never held against him. Nor does he intend to.
So he's been peeking in Jin Guangyao when he can between customers, keeping a discreet eye on him to see how he's holding up under the pressure. As bad of an idea as he thinks Jin Guangyao's plan is, it's not his decision to make. All he can do is look out for him and lend what support he can throughout the day.
Finally, lunchtime comes around and after Nie Huaisang's cleaned up and attired in a fresh yukata, he makes his way to Jin Guangyao's room.
"Guangyao?" he calls out softly, poking his head in the door.
cw: graphic imagery, sexual assault mentions
No, very early on he had learned to be useful. Be quiet Meng Yao, quiet as a mouse. If the client hears they will hurt you. Walk softly Meng Yao, Care for the babies so their mamas could work. Shhh, Shh... baby it's okay. Be quiet and Gege will give you some nice cool fruit.
Shhh, make no noise, don't look at the bruises A-Niang has on her skin. Quick hide when the madame is coming. Hide, there is a client, he is hurting A-Niang... Stop him stop him. Not safe. It hurts...
Cook and be useful, keep your eyes lowered and serve.
And smile Smile until your face hurts. The gentry only cares about how they can use you and you let them. You let them use you...
What wouldn't you do for your position?! Qin Su's voice screamed from the back of his memory.
He let them use him. He became their knife, their weapon doing all kinds of disgusting things. Leave your body A-Yao. Your hands can cut the skin here, and pull out organs there. Just like skinning a pig. See? Not so bad. Survive.
He wasn't safe, not safe.
His feet tucked into the ball of fur at the sound of the voice. He was hiding, he was in the closet of A-Niangs room. He wasn't there he was hiding... he was hiding.
A small whimper came from him.
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Nie Huaisang realizes, hearing that sound.
He should've pushed him harder to sit this one out and let him handle it. They'd had an agreement to pool their resources as part of their alliance. Pushing himself this hard hadn't been necessary at all. Sharing his bonus had been part of his plan all along and was one of his motivators for working as hard as he's been doing all day. The bigger the bonus Nie Huaisang earned, the more he'd have to split.
For a moment, he's terribly reminded of the day when Mo Xuanyu first brought up using the sacrificial ritual to avenge himself. But unlike that day, he's not worn out by years of festering grief or a pessimistic awareness that the only justice his older brother would ever get would be what he pursued himself. Today, he's wiser and more balanced than he'd been during that dark time so he walks over to the futon and lays down beside Jin Guangyao, carefully putting his arms around him to protect and anchor him and hopefully lead him out of whatever dark place his mind has escaped to.
He doesn't say anything yet, simply holding the other man.
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And even Lan Xichen...
He couldn't help the wrecked sob that came from him. He hadn't allowed himself to think of him since...Pushing him away to live in the plucking of his guqin strings alone. Composing heartbroken songs about the man he could never ever hurt. The one who broke his heart so completely.
When people saw him for himself, the broken and mangled man he was they usually stepped back in repulsion. Qin Su's horror-stricken expression superimposed onto Lan Xichen's face.
He felt the arms around him, and Huaisang could probably feel him trembling. He was in truth so much frailer and smaller than he pretended to be. All of the inner steel was a sharp survival tactic. Hurt them before they hurt you. Kill them before they kill you. Survive.
His voice came out in a choked cry, sounding more like a wounded fox than a human. Once started the tears didn't stop. His claws dug into the skin of his chest as if he could scratch out the beating heart out of his own ribcage.
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That Jin Guangyao is somehow alive here, breathing, bears no impact on that choice. Finally letting go of the hatred and grief that poisoned him and twisted his mind to focus on his present and future was the best course for him to take now. In this place, they are of the same clan and he's honor-bound to give Jin Guangyao the same consideration he would give any other clan member in clear distress.
Besides, Jin Guangyao's put a lot of effort into taking care of him over the years as well as during their time in Jigoku-cho.
Nie Huaisang just lets the man cry and release whatever emotions he needs to without judgment or condemnation, concentrating on brushing his fingertips over his hair and down his back like he might do with one of his young disciples struggling with nightmares back home.
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He hiccuped. He thought of Jin Ling, who still loved him despite everything. His body pressed against his side when they slept to the sound of the incessant rain of that land. Curled up against the Fairy doll he had stitched him with all the scrap fabric from their robes. The boy he loved with his whole heart. The one it was safe for him to love. And even of Wei Wuxian back there, a matching black fox to his gold, both of them flanking A-Ling protectively. Closing ranks in that scary world, especially after Wangji's death they tried to support him. He thought of Gojyo with his easy smile and the way he wore his scars like an old coat. He was not alone. He had friends, he had people who loved him even after knowing what he was.
Tears still streamed from his eyes, but the howling wounding had begun to subside slowly. Cresting once before slipping to much calmer seas.
He turned his body, though he was naked under his tails, freshly showered, and wrapped his arms around his once enemy.
"I'm sorry, for that display," he said quietly. his voice hoarse. "Thank you for holding me."
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Fighting for so long to separate himself from his less-than-ideal heritage, to escape the life his mother had been trapped in. That Sisi and her sisters had been trapped in. It's a harsh, brutal life, one he hadn't fully begun to understand until his investigation into his former enemy's life. Part of his rage at the injustice of what Sisi's sisters had gone through had been fueled by a new understanding of just how difficult their lives had been.
"It'd be difficult for anyone not accustomed to it. I imagine it'd be even tougher for someone with your background to be in this position again."
It's been a bit of a strain for himself, being naturally a timid introvert outside of people he's comfortable with, but it's gotten easier with each customer as he's improvised whatever persona is needed to have them walk away satisfied.
Nie Huaisang doesn't seem to pay the other man's nudity any mind, focusing instead on wiping his tears like his brother used to do for him when he was little.
"You don't have to do this if it's too much for you right now. I can handle it myself."
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"I think I bit off more than I could chew. It wasn't even bad. The people I was with were kind. I mostly did sensation play with one client and another just wanted to learn how to do oral and tested it out on me. It was all talked through and fine. the rest mostly wanted company. I just..." he took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He was going to try and vocalize what was wrong.
"Huaisang. I... I'm just inherently dirty and I can't stop believing it. I have always been beaten for being A-Niang's child, for trying to get an education. People wipe their cups after I serve them. They have always treated me like this. Like I am filth and if I touch something it too will become filthy." his breathing was hitched but he tried to push through.
"Once upon a time, a woman loved me for me. She told her father and mine that she wanted to marry me and would accept no one else. She laughed as we made love. For the first time in my life, I didn't feel dirty. I could believe that I wasn't. That she had convinced me that I wasn't something filthy. I had thought that I could live happily like this, with her and our child. I was so aesthetic. I really wanted a family. A family I could love as unconditionally as A-Niang loved me.
I... Her mother came to me a mere week before the wedding, I had already sent the invitations out. I..." he choked a little bit with the memory. "I am so disgusting. I didn't know what to do. I could never abandon a woman and my child like A-Niang and I had done to us. If I canceled the wedding it would have all come out. And father would have killed us. A-Su could have ended up in a brothel disgraced. Or flung herself down the tower steps.
I just all I could do was protect my sweet, kind sister who was unlucky enough to have met me. Living in gilded gold in a cold and empty marriage bed. I told her I was impotent.
I never touched her again. I would never cheat on her. I would never do that to her. I haven't had sex or even touched anyone since then.
Not until today." he finished.
cw: references to self-harm
Most of this is knowledge Nie Huaisang already knows and has been aware of for some time. At least, the broad strokes of it. Of course, he's always noticed how others have wiped cups and other objects after Jin Guangyao has touched them and wondered what it would be like to go through life like that. In his younger years, back before everything had gone wrong between them, it'd been part of what had motivated him to always greet jin Guangyao with a smile and a hug and treasure each and every present the man had given him over the years.
Even now, he still carries the fan jin Guangyao had given him so many years ago and carries it with him everywhere.
Hearing this story now hits much differently now than it used to. Back then, he'd been so cold, hardened by bitterness, cynicism, and rage, more preoccupied with his own troubles and fears as the sect leader of the Qinghe Nie, weighed down by his burdens of responsibility and filial obligation. But right now, his emotions are present, engaged in the moment, and not locked away deep inside in a place within where they couldn't interfere or be an inconvenience in the task he'd set out to do.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have taken her away from you. Neither of you deserved the pain this tragedy caused you both. It wasn't your fault that you didn't know. It wasn't her fault that she didn't know either. Her mother failed to protect her effectively and the two of you paid a terrible price because of it."
He pauses, noticing the scratches.
"Did someone do this to you or did you do it to yourself? Do you have anything I can clean it with on hand? Any healing salves I can put on it?"
Jin Guangyao had bandaged his hands once after he'd reached desperately into a fire to save what had come to symbolize something precious and irreplaceable to him.
cw: rape, child death.
"It was bound to come out sooner or later. If you hadn't bought that woman, anyone else could have. I do not even blame A-Su's mother. How could I? She was raped. She was raped by her husband's more powerful best friend. I hated her sometimes for telling me, as I hated Madame Jin for beating me as she used to. But...I understand too. It is really hard being a woman in that place. Where things are chosen for you. Where you are powerless. Even still I cannot hate them. And I can't hate you. I know what you must have gone through and how scared you must have been. How can I hate you for that?" he looked up at him before continuing.
"I was afraid to tell her. I was just trying to get through the days back then. And then it was too long. When A-Song was born...I counted all of his toes and fingers. I was so scared. I was afraid for him and what the discovery would mean for us. It was all mixed in together, Love for his fear of him and for him. I am a monster of a father. I was relieved somewhere in me when he was killed...But I was. I was relieved he didn't have to live and suffer in a world that would be cruel to him. " the tears started up again. He remembered holding that little body in his hands. Remembered seeing it in the rains of Hakagemachi, hearing his high-pitched voice calling for him. "He died because he was my blood. I taint everything I touch. It happened and I did nothing to stop it. I want to bring him back to her. But what will like even be for them in a world that will know what they are. How can I even protect them? She'll never want to see me again. Is this a selfish wish?"
He looked down at his chest as if noticing them for the first time.
"I must have...scratched it when I was in that state. I get like that sometimes. It is easier to take it out on my own skin...Or to try the thoughts from coming.
I do, in that chest over there."
no subject
Once he fetches the goods, he comes back to the futon and starts tending to the scratches with a calm, professional air few ever see. Nie Huaisang rarely shows his true strength or conviction to others but right now, it feels necessary and appropriate with Jin Guangyao in such an emotionally fragile state. Right now though, he needs to get the other man stabilized long enough for him to get the rest of his work finished.
"Do you do this to yourself often?" he asks quietly as he dabs at the scratches. "I'm glad that you don't hate me. I don't hate you either. Not anymore. I've moved on from that. Or at least, I've chosen to. And I'm trying."
Dab, dab. Wipe. Dab.
"In the end, all we can do is try and hope for the best. You worked really hard today. Maybe a little too hard. I think your mother would be proud of you. She would understand what you're trying to do. That you're trying to set things right by your family."
no subject
"Yes, Ever since I was spying on the Wens. When I was younger I would just tense up and A-Niang would get me to start breathing. I can't seem to really stop the thoughts sometimes and it forces me back to my body again. I cannot seem to stop the memories so I try to push them down.
I'm glad too. I have never hated you. I always thought you were the kind of sweet person I wished I was allowed to be. I'm sorry that you had to harden as well. The world is cruel." he hissed in pain softly.
"I have one more box, I may seek out my friend from Hakagemachi and see if he wants to just fill the last one. I can just talk to him and I trust him."
He was silent for a little bit.
"I don't know if I've ever done anything that A-Niang could be proud of. I really miss her so much. I want them to be safe and happy. That is all I want. I could move on then."
no subject
If Jin Guangyao clings to that dream alone for motivation, he risks facing disillusionment and despair later in his journey. He's changed from the man Nie Huaisang had killed and he's finding that he rather likes the progress he's made and wishes to keep supporting his growth.
"I doubt Da-ge would be proud of anything i've done since his passing. He'd certainly disapprove of the activities I'm doing now, I'm sure," he continues, matter-of-fact and a little resigned but he's long since accepted that the way he goes about doing things for their clan will never align with his views of morality or what he felt was right.
He finishes tending to the wounds with an oddly efficient sort of tenderness. They both still have work to do and Nie Huaisang needs time to eat so he'll have the energy to continue with his tasks.
"I think turning to your friend would be wise. Let him help you and give yourself time to breathe and relax. You've done enough work for today," he says firmly and decisively in a tone usually reserved for his disciples within the walls of their keep back home.
no subject
He was already so tired. He still had one more client to fill on his card and then the night parade to go to. He had no idea how he was going to do this, but it wasn't the first time he was exhausted.
"I think he would be proud of you for killing me and keeping your sect in one piece. Perhaps if he was as he once was, before the saber spirit got his mind he would have been more understanding. The Nie Mingjue who I had met on the field and the one who died in Qinghe were not the same man, I think. He loved you so dearly, Huaisang. I hope you know that."
he knew what it was to walk their path and it was impossible for someone like his Da-ge to understand what it would be like. But he could hope. For his sake, he wished that memory could be kinder.
"I had prepared a donburi for us on the table. You should have yours. There is some soup in the thermos as well."
no subject
Still, Jin Guangyao had already been punished for his crimes and now he was facing his karma, bettering himself in preparation for his next life. There's nothing either of them can say that will ever truly erase what happened but they have a choice in this world. They can continue fighting, neither side the victor, and both risk expulsion from the clan in the process or they can let it go and keep moving forward, healing their wounds and learnng how to forgive one another.
Nie Huaisang has always been a smarter man than he appears on the surface. He knows which path will prove more productive and lead them both to the goals they both seek. And he's determined to walk it, no matter who or what stands in his way.
"Thank you for the meal, Guangyao. I'd like to eat it now so we can both get back to work. The sooner we're finished here, the sooner we can both relax. Maybe even have time to enjoy the parade a little before it's time to head home."
He gives the man's shoulder one last pat and heads toward the table.