He was worried. He remembered back in the early days of his tenure as sect leader Huaisang would act like this. If he closed his eyes it would all go away, he was gentler with him, his fingers moving through his hair. He shifted under him so that he was now on his lap and continued to pet him, circling his arms around him so he could feel that security. He will feed him if need be.
"A-Sang, It's me. Wake up," he spoke in a soft voice. "A-Sang. I'll make your favorite for dinner."
Any other time, he might have thought Jin Guangyao's behavior strange but he's feeling weak and unstable enough to simply accept the caretaking without questioning it too much. And honestly, he feels very similar to how he did when he first succeeded his brother so the other man's assessment isn't wrong. In those days, he hadn't known the truth yet, had no idea that the same person protecting and comforting him was the same person who'd taken away his only remaining family and ruined his life.
There's no real resentment or hatred accompanying the thought anymore. His rage on the issue has been spent and he's much too tired to continue maintaining a grudge when true malice and hatred simply aren't a part of his nature.
For a while longer, he remains silent, just letting Jin Guangyao pet and soothe him until he's ready to open his eyes again. When he does, he finally speaks up, his voice coming out very soft, small, and tired sounding.
"I don't know how to do this. I thought I could trust her. I want to trust her but I just don't. I should feel loyalty toward this clan but I don't."
But maybe that's to be expected. He's an outsider. Tenkohime is a stranger. All of the other clan members are strangers to him. He feels more loyalty to Julieta Juris and Wei Wuxian than he does to his own clan and this was not the outcome he expected when he agreed to this contract.
"I don't know how to work as a subordinate like this. Or work alongside those outside my clan. My real clan. And I don't know how not to lead anymore. If I'm not Sect Leader Nie anymore, who am I? What's left?"
Perhaps part of that soothing was the guilt of what he had taken away. Part of it was that he genuinely loved him. Nie Huasang was not the person he wanted to hurt when he did what he did.
but that was neither here nor there. He was here now and wanted to be there for him now. He understood what the feelings were to feel so unmoored in an ocean. He just allowed him the time he needed and pet him and soothed him as best as he knew how.
"Trust takes time. You have been through so much in your life and it was hard to trust. I know I hurt you pretty deeply and for you to follow someone again blindly feels unsafe. I can understand that feeling. Many of those I placed my trust in hurt me irreparably. I think it was why it was so hard to even think of asking for help when things were horrible back then. When you are a small animal clawing to survive you expect a knife in your back from anywhere and everywhere.
And you had to fight so long. Ten years is nothing to sneeze at. At least when I was a spy I had my letters to ..." he had to take a breath the 'Er-ge' dying in his throat. "Sect leader Lan. to anchor me. You had no one. You could only trust yourself and all the weight was on you. Of course it is hard to be a part of a clan you do not really feel part of. It has only been a month. In that month you have been hurt had to sleep with people and then that whole thing. It is so much.
You are Nie Huaisang. That is the only person you need to be. The only hat you have to wear. We put on many masks in our lives. But never allowed ourselves to be us. I don't know who I am myself. But we can figure it out together if you want."
Nie Huaisang listens, just breathing, and focusing on the sensation of Jin Guangyao's fingers running through his hair and the warmth of his arms around him. He never thought he'd ever feel safe in this man's presence again but in this tiny little apartment with the civil unrest beyond its walls and feeling everything around him is beginning to spin out of control, he does. Somehow.
Here, he doesn't have to lie anymore. Here, he doesn't have to pretend to be someone he's not or cast aside everything he is to meet the expectations and desires of others.
"I don't know who I am either. I know we have a lot to do. That we talked about rising through the ranks together but after tonight, I'm not sure I want to anymore. Not until I know her better. Until I know myself better."
He's been a clan outlier before, his entire life in fact. Yet somehow, he still wound up its leader and he's making his own advance toward becoming the leader of all in his own society back home. Perhaps he should save his energy for furthering his own ambition instead of someone else's. As long as he continues working for her, it should be okay, right?
"Maybe we could think of this as a vacation instead. At least, for a while. Leave the warfare to the younger ones to sort out themselves."
Jin Guangyao breathed along with him, timing his breaths in an urge to slow the other man down. His tails curled around him protectively as well as to give Huaisang something soft to touch if he needed it.
"That is understandable. You don't need to jump in right away. We have time to decide what we want to do. I agree. There are plenty of people in that meeting today who are excited to jump into the fray. I climbed tooth and nail in three clans. That is more than a lifetime. I was not quite excited at the prospect of doing it once more.
I think That sounds nice. We can still help but more passively. We still need to fulfill our contracts regardless. But rest is much needed for both of us."
his fingers continued through his hair, gently taking care of any knots. He pressed his lips against his head gently.
"You are not alone. If you want this path I will walk it with you. I doubt anyone else knows this path we tread."
The ministrations are managing to console him a bit. He's so tired already. Jin Guangyao's right. They both need a rest.
"Maybe teaching them will be enough. If they're willing to learn. Young Master Gao shows much promise. And the lady warrior I was speaking with seems level-headed enough. An active hand in the proceedings might not be as necessary with minds like these."
He still feels nervous about showing his competence like this. It feels so strange and uncomfortable after hiding himself for so long. And he'd been working very hard, putting his leadership and tactical experience to use.
"I know there's still work to do... There's illustrations and advertisements to make. And logistics to figure out. And disguises."
Just the diversion operation itself has quite a bit of layers to it. Handling that and working out potential battle plans down in the Underground is a bit tricky. Most of his knowledge of actual fighting is theoretical. He'd usually left planning the details of night hunts to his more experienced elders. But he still did what he could, regardless.
"I think so. Young Master Gao had shown a lot of promise. And there are others who seem perfectly capable. We can be here to advise them if needed. And handle what we can on our own with the diversions."
His fingers continued to move through his hair.
"You did fantastically today. I will go with them in case they need me. We can work on some of the other objectives after we have eaten dinner, perhaps. I'll help you with them and many hands can make light work. For now, Let's take some soothing breaths and drink a bot of tea. We still have some time."
Things were moving fast with the parade and the resulting chaos as well as the work they had to do there and after it was a lot. He had to utilize so much of himself and he was just tired. He could understand the exhaustion Huaisang must be feeling.
Things are moving so very fast. His head is spinning with it all and he still needs to decide what he can safely pass on to Wei Wuxian in this situation. He's not willing to go back on their deal but juggling his loyalties is already turning out to be a handful.
"It is. I need to think about what's safe to report to Wei-xiong, too. We had an agreement and he tipped me off about the sewers. It wouldn't be right not to return the favor."
Potentially making an enemy out of his old friend isn't something he wants to do, especially given his emotional state after suffering so much back home. The assassination hadn't been any easier for Wei Wuxian to bear witness to, he imagines.
"But if you can go with them and Lady Musashi, that would help. She seems to have a good head on her shoulders. I don't doubt that she has some useful tricks at her disposal either."
Then there's a long pause as he closes his eyes, just focusing on those fingers in his hair and the feel of soft fur beneath his hand.
"Lady Tenkohime surprised me when I turned in my card at the bathhouse. She thinks I have potential and she gave me a double bonus for my efforts."
He doesn't know what to make of it. Despite his misgivings over this grab for territory, it had been very kind of her to give him such a reward.
"Yes, you should probably pay him back with something. Well, tackle one thing at a time. You don't have to figure it all out at this moment. Shall I make a list for you?" he continued to brush through his hair with his fingers before reaching out and grabbing a comb to brush it properly, working through the knots one at a time.
"I can do that. I'll collect some medical supplies as well in case anything goes wrong," he said softly. "Thank you for taking care of all of that. You really shone today. I'm really proud of you Huaisang."
As he undid the rest of the knots he listened.
"That is wonderful! Well of course you do. You are good at conversations and have a love for the finer things." he undid his guan and set it aside as he worked through the rest of his hair.
"I submitted my card as well. She said that she knew I had a hard time with...sex. And that she saw my efforts. She gave me a coupon for two at a fine restaurant in her district." he paused.
"Would you like to come with me? It will be a nice change of pace after all of this."
"A peaceful evening out sounds nice. I'd love to come with you."
Something fun and relaxing might be just what he needs after all of this stress. Just a night of enjoying fine dining with comfortable companionship he doesn't have to try so hard with. Jin Guangyao already knows his secrets, just as he knows his. As awkward as their history is, it also liberates them both from having to put on airs or maintain any kind of pretense.
"I could use an evening to just relax after this turf war is resolved."
Even if he skilled in this line of work, it's still mentally exhausting to maintain all the time. Hopefully, their juniors will pick things up and come to better understand their path with practice and encouragement.
"Maybe we can go shopping, too. I'd like to pick up a few things for apartment and some nice clothes for work."
It was true. Thier history was complex but they can be themselves with one another. Nie Huaisang had seen the worst of him already. It sounded nice.
"We both can. We have been so busy with everything I think we have more than earned this. And yes, shopping would be nice. I would love to get a few pieces to make this place feel more like a home and not somewhere we just live. I also want to pick up some fabric and a sewing kit. I can embroider our clan symbols for our walls so we do not forget what we are fighting for."
He had made the ugly little place he shared with Jin Ling and Wei Wuxian in Hakagemachi look really cozy he would do the same here.
"We will make our home beautiful. And taste something nice." he brushed away a few of his bangs with some fingers.
"I'd like that. I couldn't really afford anything at the restaurant. Just some wine."
But maybe if he keeps working hard, he'll be able to fully enjoy the benefits of being a member of the Tamamo Clan while he's here.
"There's no way of knowing how long it will take to fulfill our contracts. I'd rather live here as comfortably as I can. Making this place look nice would be good step toward that goal."
As tiny as their apartment is, surely there's more that they can do with the space.
With surprising reluctance, he lifts himself up off of Jin Guangyao's lap and sits in an upright position, hair slightly disheveled by the movement.
"It was pretty expensive. I cooked some soup earlier too. I can heat that up for us as well. Let's get some food in you then, Just wine is going to make you feel ill." he smiled softly, it was a tired but sincere one.
"I think that is best. We must make our home good for us no matter how transitional it may feel. At least we will feel safe when we are here." Nie Huaisang looked adorable with how disheveled he looked. The urge to kiss him overtook him but he restrained himself. It must be his exhaustion... Instead, he took a bao and offered it to him.
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no subject
"A-Sang, It's me. Wake up," he spoke in a soft voice. "A-Sang. I'll make your favorite for dinner."
no subject
There's no real resentment or hatred accompanying the thought anymore. His rage on the issue has been spent and he's much too tired to continue maintaining a grudge when true malice and hatred simply aren't a part of his nature.
For a while longer, he remains silent, just letting Jin Guangyao pet and soothe him until he's ready to open his eyes again. When he does, he finally speaks up, his voice coming out very soft, small, and tired sounding.
"I don't know how to do this. I thought I could trust her. I want to trust her but I just don't. I should feel loyalty toward this clan but I don't."
But maybe that's to be expected. He's an outsider. Tenkohime is a stranger. All of the other clan members are strangers to him. He feels more loyalty to Julieta Juris and Wei Wuxian than he does to his own clan and this was not the outcome he expected when he agreed to this contract.
"I don't know how to work as a subordinate like this. Or work alongside those outside my clan. My real clan. And I don't know how not to lead anymore. If I'm not Sect Leader Nie anymore, who am I? What's left?"
no subject
but that was neither here nor there. He was here now and wanted to be there for him now. He understood what the feelings were to feel so unmoored in an ocean. He just allowed him the time he needed and pet him and soothed him as best as he knew how.
"Trust takes time. You have been through so much in your life and it was hard to trust. I know I hurt you pretty deeply and for you to follow someone again blindly feels unsafe. I can understand that feeling. Many of those I placed my trust in hurt me irreparably. I think it was why it was so hard to even think of asking for help when things were horrible back then. When you are a small animal clawing to survive you expect a knife in your back from anywhere and everywhere.
And you had to fight so long. Ten years is nothing to sneeze at. At least when I was a spy I had my letters to ..." he had to take a breath the 'Er-ge' dying in his throat. "Sect leader Lan. to anchor me. You had no one. You could only trust yourself and all the weight was on you. Of course it is hard to be a part of a clan you do not really feel part of. It has only been a month. In that month you have been hurt had to sleep with people and then that whole thing. It is so much.
You are Nie Huaisang. That is the only person you need to be. The only hat you have to wear. We put on many masks in our lives. But never allowed ourselves to be us. I don't know who I am myself. But we can figure it out together if you want."
no subject
Here, he doesn't have to lie anymore. Here, he doesn't have to pretend to be someone he's not or cast aside everything he is to meet the expectations and desires of others.
"I don't know who I am either. I know we have a lot to do. That we talked about rising through the ranks together but after tonight, I'm not sure I want to anymore. Not until I know her better. Until I know myself better."
He's been a clan outlier before, his entire life in fact. Yet somehow, he still wound up its leader and he's making his own advance toward becoming the leader of all in his own society back home. Perhaps he should save his energy for furthering his own ambition instead of someone else's. As long as he continues working for her, it should be okay, right?
"Maybe we could think of this as a vacation instead. At least, for a while. Leave the warfare to the younger ones to sort out themselves."
no subject
"That is understandable. You don't need to jump in right away. We have time to decide what we want to do. I agree. There are plenty of people in that meeting today who are excited to jump into the fray. I climbed tooth and nail in three clans. That is more than a lifetime. I was not quite excited at the prospect of doing it once more.
I think That sounds nice. We can still help but more passively. We still need to fulfill our contracts regardless. But rest is much needed for both of us."
his fingers continued through his hair, gently taking care of any knots. He pressed his lips against his head gently.
"You are not alone. If you want this path I will walk it with you. I doubt anyone else knows this path we tread."
no subject
"Maybe teaching them will be enough. If they're willing to learn. Young Master Gao shows much promise. And the lady warrior I was speaking with seems level-headed enough. An active hand in the proceedings might not be as necessary with minds like these."
He still feels nervous about showing his competence like this. It feels so strange and uncomfortable after hiding himself for so long. And he'd been working very hard, putting his leadership and tactical experience to use.
"I know there's still work to do... There's illustrations and advertisements to make. And logistics to figure out. And disguises."
Just the diversion operation itself has quite a bit of layers to it. Handling that and working out potential battle plans down in the Underground is a bit tricky. Most of his knowledge of actual fighting is theoretical. He'd usually left planning the details of night hunts to his more experienced elders. But he still did what he could, regardless.
no subject
His fingers continued to move through his hair.
"You did fantastically today. I will go with them in case they need me. We can work on some of the other objectives after we have eaten dinner, perhaps. I'll help you with them and many hands can make light work. For now, Let's take some soothing breaths and drink a bot of tea. We still have some time."
Things were moving fast with the parade and the resulting chaos as well as the work they had to do there and after it was a lot. He had to utilize so much of himself and he was just tired. He could understand the exhaustion Huaisang must be feeling.
"It is a lot isn't it?"
no subject
"It is. I need to think about what's safe to report to Wei-xiong, too. We had an agreement and he tipped me off about the sewers. It wouldn't be right not to return the favor."
Potentially making an enemy out of his old friend isn't something he wants to do, especially given his emotional state after suffering so much back home. The assassination hadn't been any easier for Wei Wuxian to bear witness to, he imagines.
"But if you can go with them and Lady Musashi, that would help. She seems to have a good head on her shoulders. I don't doubt that she has some useful tricks at her disposal either."
Then there's a long pause as he closes his eyes, just focusing on those fingers in his hair and the feel of soft fur beneath his hand.
"Lady Tenkohime surprised me when I turned in my card at the bathhouse. She thinks I have potential and she gave me a double bonus for my efforts."
He doesn't know what to make of it. Despite his misgivings over this grab for territory, it had been very kind of her to give him such a reward.
no subject
"I can do that. I'll collect some medical supplies as well in case anything goes wrong," he said softly. "Thank you for taking care of all of that. You really shone today. I'm really proud of you Huaisang."
As he undid the rest of the knots he listened.
"That is wonderful! Well of course you do. You are good at conversations and have a love for the finer things." he undid his guan and set it aside as he worked through the rest of his hair.
"I submitted my card as well. She said that she knew I had a hard time with...sex. And that she saw my efforts. She gave me a coupon for two at a fine restaurant in her district." he paused.
"Would you like to come with me? It will be a nice change of pace after all of this."
no subject
Something fun and relaxing might be just what he needs after all of this stress. Just a night of enjoying fine dining with comfortable companionship he doesn't have to try so hard with. Jin Guangyao already knows his secrets, just as he knows his. As awkward as their history is, it also liberates them both from having to put on airs or maintain any kind of pretense.
"I could use an evening to just relax after this turf war is resolved."
Even if he skilled in this line of work, it's still mentally exhausting to maintain all the time. Hopefully, their juniors will pick things up and come to better understand their path with practice and encouragement.
"Maybe we can go shopping, too. I'd like to pick up a few things for apartment and some nice clothes for work."
no subject
It was true. Thier history was complex but they can be themselves with one another. Nie Huaisang had seen the worst of him already. It sounded nice.
"We both can. We have been so busy with everything I think we have more than earned this. And yes, shopping would be nice. I would love to get a few pieces to make this place feel more like a home and not somewhere we just live. I also want to pick up some fabric and a sewing kit. I can embroider our clan symbols for our walls so we do not forget what we are fighting for."
He had made the ugly little place he shared with Jin Ling and Wei Wuxian in Hakagemachi look really cozy he would do the same here.
"We will make our home beautiful. And taste something nice." he brushed away a few of his bangs with some fingers.
"Are you ready for that bao now?"
no subject
But maybe if he keeps working hard, he'll be able to fully enjoy the benefits of being a member of the Tamamo Clan while he's here.
"There's no way of knowing how long it will take to fulfill our contracts. I'd rather live here as comfortably as I can. Making this place look nice would be good step toward that goal."
As tiny as their apartment is, surely there's more that they can do with the space.
With surprising reluctance, he lifts himself up off of Jin Guangyao's lap and sits in an upright position, hair slightly disheveled by the movement.
no subject
"I think that is best. We must make our home good for us no matter how transitional it may feel. At least we will feel safe when we are here." Nie Huaisang looked adorable with how disheveled he looked. The urge to kiss him overtook him but he restrained himself. It must be his exhaustion... Instead, he took a bao and offered it to him.
"Please eat up. Let's regain our strength."