jigokulogs | September catch-all [SEMI-CLOSED]

I don't think it was his choice. He wouldn't want to leave.

[but she knows that doesn't make it any better. it doesn't erase the hurt, the agony of it all. she doesn't make any move to detach from him, lets him squeeze her so tight it would be uncomfortable if she didn't know where it was coming from.]

He might be fighting his way back, even now.

[it's an imaginary scenario, but it's the best she has right now. the man's coat is in her closet, never returned and now never to be.]

It don't make it better...

[ He lets go of her so he can cup her face in his hands and kiss her. Tears run down his cheeks even now, but he has to do something else -- to feel something else. ]

I dunno...I dunno how th' fuck ya stay so strong all th' time. I'd be a whole fuckin' lot worse off without ya.

[ "I love you" doesn't feel like it's enough. ]

[she kisses him back, reaching up to try to wipe at least some of the tears from his face.]

As I'd be without you.

[emotional as it is, she means it. she had meant it when she had told him she was a coward at heart, only good when she had people relying on her. with his eyes on her, she can't yield to the desire to run away - she won't even try. as if his hand is at her back stopping her from going backwards, only forward. only on, and to keep trying, instead of being a shell of a woman who saves her own skin.]

[ He rests his forehead against hers as he tries to collect the scraps of dignity have left. At least this time he's not a drunken mess on her floor. No, he's stone cold sober and that makes him feel worse. Being drunk would give him an excuse to be this big of a mess. It's not like anyone else knew how close he and Nishitani were. There may have been an inkling, but absolutely no confirmation. ]

I ain't...I ain't goin' nowhere. I'd fuckin' die again before I left ya behind.

[closing her eyes for a second, she takes a breath, as if she could secure his presence in her lungs by that alone. a surge of words wants to come up - that she's used to being left behind if it saves others, that she'd find a way out, that he doesn't have to sacrifice himself for her - and they're settled down by that breath. shhh.

now is not the time for doubts or arguments. now is the time to shut out the rest of the world and let the pain exist, present as it is. there are no quick fixes to grief.]

I won't let you die.

[opening her eyes, she looks back at him, hoping he feels her sincerity. he will not die. he will not be alone.]

We'll live, together.

[for however much they had a say in this.]

And when we find him, we'll make him answer to what happened.

[ Her words soothe the ache somewhat. It'll take time for the wound to scab over and eventually become a scar on his soul like so many other things. He can only nod and accept her words. Emily is more important to him than life itself -- but it's hard for him to say that. ]

...He made me promise I'd live a life worth livin' an' take what I'm owed. [ He sniffles, then kisses her, lingering for a moment. ] Guess I owe him that much.

Edited 2022-09-09 05:41 (UTC)

He had the right idea.

[Izo does deserve more. he deserves some degree of selfishness, now that he is returned to the world. Nishitani was wise enough to simply say it aloud - they can't all be as hedonistic as he was, but he did have confidence enough that Emily secretly envied, the willingness to take from the world instead of worrying.]

You've been brought back to life, free to live it as you choose. I'm sure he wanted nothing more than you to be happy with the life you live now.

[ It's better that no one is as hedonistic as Nishitani -- the world might collapse if that were the case. Izō will take the lesson to be selfish from him, even if just a little bit. Expecting more, wanting more, not just settling for what he's given. ]

Yeah, it's jus'...hard. Thinkin' 'bout all this without him now.

[ Nishitani had been the one to finance the shelter, the thing that helped given him purpose again. He'd been the one to push him to get the sparrowhawk on his back as a way of reclaiming his body to make a choice on how to mark it instead of having it forced on him again. ]

Can't jus' give up...got ya an' Majima t' worry 'bout. Th' dogs, too.

[ And Ryouma, but he's still having trouble with that emotional front. ]

[even though this won't last - the pain will come back, deep and bleeding - she wants to offer him some relief in this time. a moment to breathe at ease. so she kisses him, and leaves her hand on his cheek, glad that in this particular moment he knows that giving up is not an option. the dogs depend on his presence, and her and Goro will not let him sink into himself so far that he can't be found. he won't disappear on them again.]

Stay as long as you need.

[a whisper, but an offer. he knows that if he comes here, needs to fall to pieces, she'll take care of him for however long it takes. his grief will not be forced out of him.]

Yeah...'m gonna. I need it. Need ya.

[ Look at him being honest and open. It takes great pain and tragedy for that to happen, but at least he's letting it happen instead of fighting it.

He presses a kiss to her forehead before sitting up properly to scrub at his face. Some modicum of dignity would be nice -- unlikely, but nice. ]

[whether he feels dignified or not, he's allowed his space, allowed comfort and sweet words and letting him breathe, and her tucked into his side to sleep, safe under a wing with her own put away. in the morning, she rises before him - old habits, and gently inquires at the clinic if she can do an afternoon round, before she starts making breakfast. she's hard at work with that whenever he gets up.

traditional breakfast is not her specialty - she doesn't make it often enough, but for him having a hard night, she'd like to defer to a favorite. the attempt at tamagoyaki failed, set off to the side to be dealt with later, definitely deformed and slightly burnt.

still, it's hard to mess up rice, grilled fish, and miso soup. she'll have to experiment with time, and practice.]

[ It's the smell of food that wakes him up and eventually gets him out of bed. He doesn't have the usual excuse of being hungover to sleep in, just the unusual excuse of being heartbroken. The immediate pain has dulled enough he can function.

He shuffles into the kitchen, half-dressed, rubbing at his eyes. The realization that she's cooking for him hits him like a brick. He comes up beside her to give her a little side hug and a kiss on the temple. ]

...Ya didn't have t' go t' th' trouble of cookin' for me.

[ He's touched, really he is. ]

What are you talking about? It's no trouble at all.

[she smiles, taking the fish off the stove to portion it for the both of them. the rice is kept warm in the cooker, and the soup's just about done.]

If you hadn't woken up, I was about to fetch you.

[ He doesn't know what to say. After the outpouring of emotion last night and now this, it's a lot to deal with. Izō shrugs, sinking into his shoulders to try to hide his blush. ]

I...dunno. Wasn't expectin' it. Figured ya'd be off to th' clinic by now, y'know?

I'm taking the afternoon rounds today. It'll be a change of pace.

[turning her head, she kisses him gently on the cheek, then extracts herself from his embrace to put the food on the table before he realizes that she's shifted her schedule so that she can have an unhurried morning with him.]

[ He's left staring dumbly at the empty space where she used to be for a few more moments. People don't consider him in their plans. He's an afterthought.

He should know better that he isn't to quite a few people, Emily among them. It's hard to accept. Still, he goes to settle at the table in vaguely humbled silence. ]

Yeah...a nice one, right?

[ It's a silly question, but it's already out there. One day he'll be able to accept people love and care about him enough to want to spend time with him. ]

Yes, because I get to spend more time with you.

[no hesitation, no shame with saying that. just it said and her portioning out the food, first for him and then herself. by now she's picked up the habit of thanks before she starts eating, and can't stop herself from smiling - it feels different to eat with someone. more reassuring. like the day has a better chance of going right.

the wounds Nishitani's departure left won't heal overnight. but if Izo can eat, if he can take care of himself, he'll figure something out.]

September catch-all [SEMI-CLOSED]

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