jigokulogs | [ closed ] 別道「 another way 」

Entry tags:

fate: sakamoto ryouma

[ closed ] 別道「 another way 」

Who ⬤ Sakamoto Ryouma + the Stars
What ⬤ Ryouma holds a meeting for ranked Sutoku Lost Souls (finally)
When ⬤ the beginning of July, after the mingle
Where ⬤ Konoha
Content Warnings ⬤ none that I can think of!

[ weird how things come full circle. the first meeting ryouma ever put together in jigokucho had been here at konoha under similarly dire — if you want to focus on the negative — circumstances. ryouma thinks they're doing great!

ryouma is also still wearing his bird wounds for the optics.

~~doing. great.~~

in any case, there is no time to lose, and so the call goes out to all the Sutoku Lost Souls who command any bit of influence. proper time to plan and a bit more clout to his name this time enables ryouma to do better than just renting out one of the VIP rooms for a few hours like last time — borrowing a room much more suited to the purpose. ryouma has no love for the nightclub or the boardroom atmosphere, but it is the faction's central hub, and as much as he might have preferred to do this at a more intimate location that's more his speed, he feels like it's important to make the gesture.

plus, he's invited the boss. ]

I'm sure you all know why we're here, so now it's time to fill you all in on what's been going on! This is gonna be a lot that I gotta say, so it'll save us all a lotta time if ya let me get to the end before ya ask questions, okay?

[ if anyone was expecting him to look sorry... he does not. he doesn't look worried either, even if some people think he ought to, but unflappable confidence in times like these is just ryouma's thing. it's worth noting that ryouma also looks slightly different and now carries two swords in addition to his gun, which… might be interesting? ]

Ever since what happened at the Night Parade, I've been working real hard to find a way to restore the peace around here. Nobody told me to do that, mind, but forgin' unlikely alliances is sorta what I'm known for where I come from.

[ and you really don't want to know how much things here have followed the trajectory of his former life, considering how it ended, but at least he succeeded at the time? ]

It was only a little plan at first, just a small thing to try and prove it could work out, but then it started takin' shape over time, especially when I caught wind that we were gonna end up negotiatin' with whoever won the turf war anyway. Problem was, Shuten and Tamamo were pretty evenly matched there so things were at an impasse, which ain't real great for them but the perfect opportunity for us.

[ as he keeps talking, ryouma starts to pace, and his accent slips more and more over time as he finds a flow. he's excited about all this and is eager to finally have people to collaborate with. now more than ever, he's picking up on the same feeling he used to have back when he was alive, instead of how it's been while he's been a counter guardian. for better or worse, everyone's getting ryouma in his element. ]

I met with—… well, a lot of people, but most importantly, I met with Majima and Musashi — lieutenants from Shuten and Tamamo, respectively. A couple of folks who were working with me on it aren't here anymore, but one of them gave me the clue that'd be the key to the whole thing, which is lucky because the Shuten Clan was the hardest sell on this whole thing.

[ here ryouma takes a momentary pause. he has a sip of water and looks around at everyone he's addressing right now, sure that he's at least interested or annoyed everyone into having their attention. that's how it usually goes, in his experience. he also lights a cigarette because he finds it relaxing, and everyone else will just have to deal. ]

So, what did I sell them on, right? I'm gonna tell ya.

[ he actually has something prepared to show them, so he starts by unrolling a map and flattening it out on the table before he pushes it forward. ~~he's old-fashioned; he doesn't know about powerpoint.~~ this map is the same one used at the negotiation meeting, meaning everyone's respective aggressive scribbles are exactly where they left them. ]

This is how things in the Underground will be divvied up, more or less. As you can see, this location'll be jointly controlled by all three factions. Givin' a little ground keeps the peace down below, which is good because we don't want the Department steppin' in, but not everybody's happy with that. It's understandable, what with it bein' a loss, but I consider any time we can settle something without bloodshed a win. In any case, the Alliance's most important asset down below — in my opinion — is the waterways and how we can use them.

We need those 'cause we're takin' over the black market.

[ so there. because… that's what he wants to do. so he'll do it. this is definitely not the time to sound wishy-washy. ]

We know there have been leaks and it's eatin' into everyone's cash flow. It's just not been a solvable problem before, so naturally… we're gonna solve the unsolvable problem.

[ as one does??? ]

That is, I'm confident that with a combined effort, we'll succeed. That's the advantage we have now that we didn't have before!

But, there is a catch…

[ and he offers an apologetic smile for the trouble that is the rollercoaster of this explanation. ]

We have two months to do that, or Toraguma will personally come and collect my head. And go to war on everyone else. Tenkohime, of course, will not be interfering, and I'd assume they'll clean up what's left and go back to tryin' to kill each other when the time comes. In which case, this place is finished. You all lived through that curse, same as me. If somethin' like that happens again and everybody's all too busy fightin' each other, that's the end of the road.

[ considering the pressure ryouma lives with, he's not trying to shovel it on now to stress anyone out, but he has also never been one to downplay things in the interest of sugarcoating them. they need to be realistic, or it's not going to work. ]

I'm not gonna let that happen. I didn't a long time ago when I was weaker and dumber, so why let it happen now? I have complete faith in all of us. That bein' said, I have more detailed plans for what I intend to do about it, but the first thing we need to do is start investigatin'. Second, I'm lookin' for volunteers to come in on this and take ownership on the side of what's happenin' in the Underground. I don't have the time and, honestly, no interest in managin' all that, but I won't just drop it on somebody an' cut ya loose. If ya wanna work with me too, lemme know.

I know that's a lot, so I'm gonna shut up and yield. I'll answer your questions now, too. Otherwise, I'm happy to hear your ideas. Plans can always stand to be improved, right?

Welcome to the meeting log! Yay!

This is a meeting for all Sutoku Alliance members who have any number of stars.

Since there will be many people involved in this (at least ten, I think??), I've decided to organise this a little weirdly given time constraints and mod responses and the like.

I've laid everything out as far as everything Ryouma has to say. Then after that, everyone is free to respond/react/threadjack each other, etc. This way, everyone ICly has all the pertinent information going forward, and no one will have to rush and wonder what was or wasn't explicitly stated, and threads can progress at their own speed after that. I usually don't do "infodump" style posts, but I didn't want to lock anyone into long tag orders to get the info out.

Finally, there is an OOC interest check for the parts of all this that deal with developing the Underground itself. Since Ryouma is gonna be deep diving into his black market business, I wanted to hand off the rest of this to other people. I have plenty I want to do, and other people should have the opportunity to take over and carry on! Since it will require a bit of coordination and communication with the mods, I'm doing this because I don't want to assume that someone's character having IC responsibility means you wanna take that on OOC. SO! Please only respond here if that's something you would be interested in!

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Why do you think I invited you out here, instead of carrying out our conversation in Konoha after everyone left? No one forced my hand to do so.

[taking a bite of the chilled tofu, she lets that hover over him for a moment.]

You're allowed to whine if you like, Ryouma. I'm not going to suddenly depart your company if you need a listening ear.

Ah—... privacy? Since I figured ya only wanted t' talk about business anyway...

[ drink more to ease the awkwardness; that's good. ]

This how ya won Izō over? 'Cause drinkin' an' commiseratin' might as well be a sport in Tosa.

[ because this encapsulates two things ryouma likes: deflecting and talking about izō instead of talking about himself. ]

Frankly, I don't know what I really did to earn his affections, other than it must have been the right thing to do.

[they had just...drifted closer, bound by the suffering around them and the reliability of the other. she had promised, had dug her heels in, that she would still be there. that his loyalty wasn't misplaced. and somehow it had done enough - turned his face to hers, when she's only a woman whose life is steeped in sorrow and her own blood. granted a heart almost too tender for the man who it belonged to, and she shielded it with her own. it was a priceless gift.

there's a hint in her tone, one Ryouma might notice from his own deflections. someone who doesn't entirely know if they deserve what they have but trying to not discredit it.]

But I don't blame you for being curious about someone else important to him. I wondered about you, after all, when he first mentioned you - it was clear enough you're irreplaceable. And then I got the fortune to meet you.

Oh, I didn't mean it like that—...

[ because he's completely awkward in a situation like this. he doesn't know where to stand because izō didn't tell him. he's always worried he's going to do something that will affect izō poorly in some way, even if it's ridiculous. it seems ryouma has managed to hurt him at every other opportunity even if he didn't mean to, so it's not a groundless fear. ]

Irreplacable? Sure, he doesn't want me dead, but I'm pretty sure if I never bothered him here again nothin' much would change. I already know I ain't the only person he sleeps with. [ the liquor could be blamed for making him especially crude but it's not like it's a big secret either. ] I'm happy that he's happy, really! That's all I could ask for.

[ really. that's all he feels he's entitled to ask for. his feelings don't matter because he's in so much debt literally and figuratively that he'll take whatever he can get, even if it hurts. ]

[before he can pour himself more, she picks up the bottle so he can't, moving it to her side of the table. thank goodness there aren't people close by who can hear this conversation. actually, they might even be the only people in here right now, who knows.]

Do you say that because you believe it or because you're trying to convince yourself of it being true, Ryouma?

[sex was one thing. she's well aware the people she'd say she loves sleep with other people. but she trusts them, knows them, feels secure in her heart that she's in theirs, that they will stay loyal to each other in that most intimate of ways. but Ryouma doesn't sound like he has that, not in the slightest.]

Edited 2022-08-22 06:46 (UTC)

[ every so often the scowl comes out. usually when someone won't let him have something he wants, like a child, he pouts. ]

What're ya talkin' about? 'Course it's true. See, drinkin' with company is a treat even if ya steal my sake! I'm happy enough, my plans are workin' out.

[ which is to say he drinks alone often enough that anything else is a break from the norm. it's a roundabout way of saying so because even now he's trying to avoid it. turn it around to avoid having to admit it's sad because anything is better than having to face how bad it is. maybe it wouldn't sting so much if he had anything else, but ryouma is bad at the details. in the past he's had someone around to pull him out of fixations at least for a little while, but left to his own devices he's done nothing but live inside his own head for months. he's probably lucky he's doing as well as he is right now. ~~that's practice.~~ ]

So you believe it. That doesn't mean it's true.

[she takes a deep breath, leaning back a bit from the table. how to phrase this, how to put it in a way he'll absorb and understand. like handing someone medicine, she can't make them take it, but she can make it palatable.]

Will you take a moment and simply listen to me, Ryouma, because I don't wish to spend the night chasing you in a circle. As your friend, I believe you deserve the truth - even if it's a truth you want to avoid.

Can I have it back if I say I'll listen?

[ there's a feeling about this like he's done this before. this is probably how he bargained with his sisters. ]

After I'm done speaking.

[can they come to an agreement?]

[ ryouma actually mulls it over before he settles back in his seat and folds his arms.

'Kay. I'm listenin'.

[ to his credit, he is actually attentive even if he looks like he expects a lecture. he means what he says. ]

[there's no gentle way to say it, no easing the prick of the needle. but she sees in a clear light what he's trying to not see. what this stubborn, silly man refuses to look at, because...

well. they are so, so similar.]

If you never bothered him, nothing would change - except that he and you both would never heal. After all this time, all he wants is to make sure you won't just disappear on him again. It lingers in him, festers there, and when he's stripped of all pretension...it's right there. You're "happy enough", which I doubt, but did you ever stop to think that all he's looking for is you being there? Not your body, but you yourself?

[everybody leaves me. those words still ache.]

He'd be happier if you stopped running away from him, no matter the excuses you're pulling out. Even if you think he's found replacements for you, which is utter idiocy. Show him you're not going to just disappear again. You already did the hard part of telling him your feelings - now you get to be at his side without that burden on you.

[and here, she makes sure their eyes connect.]

You don't think you deserve him, do you?

[his love. his devotion. his loyalty, even now. either Ryouma contradicts her, and he's a heartless bastard who doesn't see the scars, or he admits it, and he's more pathetic than he wants people to ever know. but that's friendship - and shoring other people up is what she's best at.]

[ and there he holds that eye contact for a lot longer than he'd like. stubbornly. ultimately, he caves and looks down at the floor. it's funny how often he talks of friendship until things like this happen. he won't lie, but he can't help feeling ashamed. ]

No.

[ he should probably say something, but there's an awkward pause like he's waiting for something. the consequences of admitting that out loud? he's not sure. he's trying to see if he can get anything out of her expression. ]

... And I ain't wrong either, am I? He said so. I'm on my own.

[ he doesn't know why it bothers him so much. maybe just because he's drunk and feeling especially sorry for himself, but it does. it's been bothering him ever since he's been losing sleep trying to find every yen he can manage and nishitani came and trashed his place. he's been on his own for a long time, and he's tired of it. ]

But it's alright. Everybody can humiliate me and I'll keep goin', 'cause it's what I do.

[she looks back at him, not with judgement or pity, but with a deep and true understanding. as if she deserves anymore than him. as if she doesn't ask that question because she knows, deep down, she doesn't feel worth it. as if she doesn't think in the middle of the night that her happiness feels so fragile. a knowing where that shame comes from, where the desire to bury yourself in your work until you don't think lives. it isn't a scalpel's precise cuts - it's understanding in the way that only it being lived comes from.

only a look. but if he reads it, he'll see far too much, before she veils it again.

she lets him speak, and she doesn't give the sake back, and she listens. because, it really seems, no one does for him. he's always so quick to shove it off. so, he's allowed to speak.]

You're not on your own though. You think you are, and you're trying to cultivate something to fit that thought. But you aren't. You have allies, people who will follow you, your friends. You have me, for what that's worth.

You have him, though you want to believe you don't.

[if his hand is on the table, she'll move to take it. if not, then she leans forward, elbows on the table to prop up her head.]

The solution is so simple, Ryouma.

[ yeah, he sees that look. it's fairly obvious that he does because whatever argument he was preparing to pitch just dies off. what does he have to hide anymore? when he's quiet, and he's not trying, it's a very different image. it's a lot of effort to be who he is all the time, so much so that to not be that way is like turning a light out. ]

It's not what I think; it's what I know, 'cause it's in black in white. [ he has texts. ~~he's probably read them a thousand times. they still hurt.~~ ] Besides, ya told me so yourself too, remember, when ya told me about that pact or whatever? We already know who's replaceable and who isn't.

[ he hasn't stopped her from taking his hand, but he isn't exactly an active participant in that either. ]

Can I get my drink back now..? If I've gotta sit and feel sorry for m'self, I'm way too sober for anythin' shaped like this conversation...

[her eyebrow lifts, and she takes a breath, makes a decision, and picks up the small bottle of sake. it's only half full, so when she simply decides to drink the whole thing herself, the coughing afterwards isn't as bad as it could be. but it makes a statement. he's going to have to be patient before he can avoid his thoughts.

ugh. not her best move.]

Nothing stops you from making your own pact with him, Ryouma. I told you about it because I thought you'd have the sense to pick up the implication and do your own ceremony. I'm sure if you called him this very moment for it, he'd be here in under a half hour, ready. The answer to your lamentations is simple - reach out to him.

[one more cough. she really isn't used to this.]

When's the last time you asked to spend time with him? Not drinking, not sleeping together - just spending time doing something that has nothing to do with work. I'm aware that phone of yours is still functional, after all.

[ this is not the development he expected, and it shows because he sort of just stares blankly for a few moments. he hates that it's exactly what he would've done because it makes it hard to be irritated that the sake's gone. ]

An' the reason I didn't is the same as it always was. I can probably talk him into anythin' if I wanted to, but that's why I don't wanna ask. Of course, he'd do it 'cause I asked him to. If he does somethin' it's gotta be his choice. He made the choice with the rest of ya, didn't he? Just be honest. If I don't think I deserve it, why would I ask?

[ and maybe the reason it bothers him now more than ever is that he knows izō is going around having these conversations with people. izō was honest about how he felt about the others, at least. ryouma still isn't sure about anything else, but that's obvious, or they wouldn't be having this conversation. knowing that izō has made that sort of progress but has shared very little of it with him has convinced him that izō simply doesn't want to.]

Y' say "not drinkin'", but that's what y' spend time doin' where we're from. It's fun. [ a pause. ] 'Sides, the last time I got too excited t' spend time together, he laughed at me 'cause he thinks I'm pathetic an' desperate, so like I said at the top of this whole thing, I don't really bother him until he needs me. Why's it gotta be me all the time anyway? Maybe it'd be nice if someone wanted me for somethin' that ain't a crisis once in a while.

[ the prolonged silence to follow that statement is too long, but he can't figure out how to unsay it, so he just stares at the bar in frustration instead. ]

...Do you honestly not see why?

[there's a hint of steel in her voice, and it's clear she's trying very, very hard to not call him stupid. for all his brilliance in moving people together, he's remarkably stupid when it comes to himself.]

Because you were the one who left, Ryouma. Do you not see how that would make someone worried that if they ask for too much, if they are too much, then it'll just push someone away, and that you would leave again? If you could find some way to say that you're staying - if you could show that, then he'll know that he can ask for what he wants. Because why should he ask for anything he wants, when it seems like you could disappear tomorrow? How is he going to know any of this if you don't say anything? Your unhappiness, your frustration, that you want to be wanted -

[Emily makes herself take a breath.]

Unless I missed something, neither of you can read minds. All you're doing is keeping yourself miserable.

[ he gets up, but that's mostly because if he tries sitting here any longer, he will work himself up more than he'd like. pacing might be annoying, but walking helps him calm down. that and if he can't drink, he smokes. ]

... Y' can come and eat my cigarettes if ya want, but it's better this way.

[ if things weren't like this he might've thought he was funny. ]

Anyway, I'd tell ya that makes perfect sense if I haven't tried doin' all those things. This is the last I'll say of it, so listen. [ as if she hasn't had to endure him all this time... sorry, emily... ] If he won't believe the words I say directly, then I'd hope he knows me well enough t' know I wouldn't make big business arrangements and then skip town. How many times did I tell him I wanted to work with him from the start? I wanted him t' head up security on this whole thing once upon a time. As soon as I decided I was gonna do business around here and that I was gonna take a shot at gettin' people t' work together, I was tellin' him I wanted him with me. Not workin' for me. With me. As equals! I was excited 'cause we never got the chance back then.

Last time, I went and told him how I felt like ya told me too. Then I asked him what I even am in this, accordin' to him, 'cause I wanted to know. Even before things got bad with Majima, he turned me down cold every time. Wasn't even business, I jus' wanted t' get to know the guy. Flat no. Told me he was at your place once, told me outright I'm not invited, but I wasn't even gonna ask about that. Just... wanted t' make sure I didn't entertain the thought, I guess? I dunno...

[ he sounds a little more defeated with every example, but he's running out of ways to explain that he's really trying. maybe not in the right ways, but he's tried more than nothing?? ]

Told me he wasn't gettin' involved, so I took the hint, and I quit askin'. What am I missin' here? What am I not doin' or sayin'? How many ways can I say I want him with me before I find the right one he's gonna like?

[ ryouma doesn't really expect an answer for any of these questions, but he's just firing them off as they come to mind. ]

I've known him forever. Y' think I don't know he can be difficult? That he tries t' push me away constantly? I know it better than anybody, [ which is perhaps a petty assertion to make at this moment, but it would be a lie to say jealousy didn't factor into a lot of his pain right now. ] — but it's different now than it's ever been. Now I really think he means it 'cause I can't see anything that tells me otherwise. Didn't I tell ya I'm happy with whatever I can get? I'll take the advice, I will, if ya can tell me where in all of that I'm still goin' wrong. 'Cause yeah—... ya say it's simple, but I just don't see it.

[ ryouma doesn't argue, so he's unlikely to press it any further now that he's said just about everything he can think to say without picking at details needlessly. ]

[she does listen. she doesn't move to make him sit down, or stop smoking, or anything. she sits there, and she listens to him, and feels her heart twist at the fact that untangling this isn't going to be simple, because neither of them want to speak. but Emily doesn't say a word until he's done, and lets the silence fall on them like twilight does.

they need to speak. to lay all their cards on the table, and speak the way they need each other to. they need to speak, and they won't, and there is the crux of the pain. it won't matter if she tells Ryouma exactly what Izo said to her when she had to help him off the bathroom floor. it won't matter that she tells him about that loneliness, that unworthiness, that she reads in him. it'll only matter if he hears it from Izo himself - if they both have clear minds and clear senses of purpose, and not a lot of ways to run away from each other.

whatever she does next, it won't matter, unless it aligns with that. so she lets space exist between them, before she forms her words again.]

None of that sounds like happiness.

[he doesn't have to pretend he is. not to her.]

[ there's a period of silence after what she says, maybe because he's thinking of how to respond or just because he's still recovering from unloading... enough. he eventually finds his voice again, at least. ]

Well. It can't be helped. I've gotta job t' do.

And you've got to be miserable while you do some of the most thankless work, is that it? There's no other way?

[look at her again. tell her there's nothing you can do to salvage yourself.]

Some might say I'm gettin' off easy, considerin' what I've done.

[ he doesn't think of himself as a good person, which is hardly a recent development, and probably explains why he says so so calmly. ]

...You're a better man than you want to give yourself credit for, Ryouma.

[because, she thinks, that some sounds an awful lot like I.]

I think you deserve much more than you allow yourself to have.

[and she says it because she believes it, with all of herself. because a man doesn't do all the things he's doing, stubborn and putting himself on the line, willing to bleed out for it, without something fueling him. and it's the duty of those around him, those he lets near, to make sure that fire doesn't lose its fuel, and consume him instead.]

Nah, that's not true. Didn't y' know that I'm the reason everything bad happened t' Izō?

[ this isn't strictly true since the circumstances of the world they grew up in at the time definitely contributed, but ryouma's leaving was the catalyst for the rest. ]

It'll never go away and I'll never be forgiven for it, so the way things are is exactly what I deserve. The funny part is where if I'd brought him along, I probably would've saved his life and mine, but there's nothin' for it now.

[she lets that fall as it will, considering some things, and finally gets up from the table. there's enough ruminating and digging himself into a hole he's going to do - he doesn't need to wake up with a hangover and a huge bill for it.

there are things she can't do, at the moment. there are things she can, though.]

I'm going to get some fresh air. Join me?

[it's an alternative to sitting and rotting.]

(no subject)

kaientai - 2022-08-25 04:55 (UTC) - Expand

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

[ closed ] 別道「 another way 」

no subject

I'M SORRY THIS IS LATE I'M STUPID

you're not stupid!

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(no subject)

[ closed ] 別道 「 another way 」

no subject

I'M SORRY THIS IS LATE I'M STUPID

you're not stupid!

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

(no subject)

[ closed ] 別道「 another way 」