semi-closed 🔪 not pulling the knife out

[pitfight]

Who ⬤ this feral fucking dog and various bedside wellwishers
What ⬤ nishitani got real stabbed and now is in his recovery bed phase (spoiler: he's bad at it)
When ⬤ late may
Where ⬤ emily's clinic and andy's apartment
Content Warnings ⬤ Nishitani CW as always. Most likely discussions of intense, violent sadomasochism and the chance of practicing it too

if you would like to tag into this/want a starter, hmu at bussy!

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[heretic_blade]

[ Izō sits in silence for some time. Nishitani's view isn't entirely wrong. He was barely an adult when he took his first life and he wasn't even 30 when he was executed. He's still not much more than an arrogant, uneducated bumpkin from a forgotten backwater village. What does he stand for? He's never really known what he stands for.

He's always been told what to stand for. It was easy to get him into things, that's how the who mess started with the Tosa Loyalist Party. Ryouma's enthusiasm and belief that they could actually change things in Tosa, Takechi's assurance that this was the only way to change things. Always left out of the political discussions because everyone thought he was too stupid. His skill with a sword only had one use and it wasn't to shape the ideals of the Party.

Then Ryouma left Tosa without a word. After things got messy, Izō was forced out and betrayed for his loyalty. The people he believed in either abandoned him or cast him aside. How could he stand for anything when what he thought he stood for broke him?

He feels so small, so like a child under Nishitani's sharp gaze. All he wants to do is run and avoid ever talking about this, but he's rooted to the spot. Izō can't meet his gaze when he finally finds his voice. It's quiet and weak. ]

I-I... [ A knife twists in his chest, old wounds effortlessly ripped open. ] I dunno. Ev'ry time I stood for somethin' before, I got rewarded with a knife in my back.

[ He squeezes his eyes tightly shut. It's too much for him to think about all at once and the wave of emotions and buried trauma threatens to overwhelm him. All he needs right now is for Nishitani to see him crying because he can't handle strong emotions.

Another silence as he composes himself, though he still doesn't look at the other man. Shame joins everything else as he scrubs his eyes with his sleeve. His voice breaks when he does speak again. ]

All I wanna do is protect me an' mine an' I won't let anyone threaten what I got. I don't give a shit what I gotta do, so long as I can keep them safe.

[pitfight]

I promise you, with me around, your enemies won't find your back. [ Nishitani doesn't mention the crying, the trauma that pours out of this boy with just a few words. While not much was said, enough was shown that Nishitani knows there's something wrong, something hurt, inside Izo. ]

So learn what you want before pinning yourself on anyone else. As long as you keep turning yourself into what other people want, you won't be happy.

[heretic_blade]

[ If his existential crisis about his humanity wasn't enough, now a fresh one has been dropped in his lap. A dead man shouldn't have to care about this. This trauma should've been dead along with him. The life of a Servant is a cruel one -- he was important enough that his spirit went to the Throne of Heroes so he could be summoned by a Master and given a (generally short) second life, with the same pain and hurt he carried with him to the grave.

So there he sits, trying not to embarrass himself further. Majima and Emily care about him for who he is, not what he can provide them. He only just learned to accept that their care is not transactional. It makes him want to be better, to do better. Maybe he can finally learn to give a shit about himself, even if he can't find any worth in himself beyond his skills with a sword.

He wipes his face again before he looks up at Nishitani properly. His silence about Izō's obvious trauma is more appreciated than he will ever know. ]

...Yeah. I know. This is th' closest I been t' happy in a long time an' I ain't gonna fuck it up again. They don't deserve it.

[ He fishes around in his pocket for something. His pack of cigarettes and a lighter. He drops them both in Nishitani's lap before standing up. ]

If Emily asks, ya don't know where those came from.

[pitfight]

[ Nishitani grabs Izo's jacket as he begins to move, to force them both into place. Nishitani wants to reach out, he wants to take and kiss and fuck Izo until the tears he spills are from pleasure instead of tragedy. But he can't-- so: ] You deserve the happiness you find-- So take it, tear it from the hands of a cruel fucking world, and make it your own. Fight, fight until you can't anymore, Iichan, and have a blast doing it; because nothing else matters.

[ A smirk, the hint of tooth. ] Understood?

[heretic_blade]

[ He looks annoyed at being grabbed suddenly, but keeps his mouth shut until Nishitani is done talking. ]

Yeah, I getcha... [ His expression softens into a playful grin. ] Now hurry up an' get better so we can fuck again, ya old bastard.

[pitfight]

Give daddy a kiss first, baby boy. [ Flirting with the sharp edge of danger-- Nishitani loves it, and at this point, he's fairly certain Izo does too. ]

[heretic_blade]

[ He has half a mind to just leave him hanging but that would require restraint. Izō leans down to give him a kiss, gentler than their usual fare. ]

Don't want ya gettin' too worked up or nothin', so that's all yer gettin'.

[pitfight]

Slut. [ The kiss is gentle, and Nishitani cups the side of Izo's face too, just to feel his skin for a second longer. ] Now get. I'm supposed to be asleep. [ Given how he's already reaching for the cigarettes and lighter, it's not sleep he's looking forward to most. ]

[heretic_blade]

Asshole.

[ Affectionate.

He gives a wave as he turns for the door. ]

I'm gone...See ya when yer outta here.

[ Because it's an inevitability. ]