semi-closed 🔪 not pulling the knife out

[pitfight]

Who ⬤ this feral fucking dog and various bedside wellwishers
What ⬤ nishitani got real stabbed and now is in his recovery bed phase (spoiler: he's bad at it)
When ⬤ late may
Where ⬤ emily's clinic and andy's apartment
Content Warnings ⬤ Nishitani CW as always. Most likely discussions of intense, violent sadomasochism and the chance of practicing it too

if you would like to tag into this/want a starter, hmu at bussy!

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[heretic_blade]

Karasu?

[ It's not the tengu's name, it's just what Izō calls him. He doesn't know Karasu's actual name -- never bothered to learn it and it's not like the youkai was keen on giving it, either.

Izō looks troubled to say the least. He fidgets with a loose strand of hair. ]

I mean...I woulda died without him.

[ He walked into the lake at the beckoning of the spirit within. He would have willingly drowned if Karasu hadn't forced control. The crow also lent him strength when he lacked it, strength he used to protect the people he grew fiercely protective of. As much of a pain in the ass as it is to be possessed, Izō can't unequivocally say he wants him gone. ]

...Toraguma promised me once I'm done here that he'll get his own body. I don't want him dead, I want him t' be how he used t' be.

[ Before he picked Izō to possess. ]

...'S only fair.

[ This is privileged information. Izō hasn't told another soul any of this, not even Emily nor Majima. ]

[pitfight]

Then you're a nicer person than I am. [ For this privileged information, Nishitani shows his true thoughts matter, the venom in his veins at the idea of being controlled, possessed, taken from himself. Sharing his body-- he'd rather kill himself first. No one controls him. ]

[ It's why he'd wanted to take the collar Majima was chained to in Sotenbori and break it, shatter it in front of the Tojo and say "See? See what happens when you consume a man?". Nishitani wants to see Majima free; he wants to see the people Majima cares about alive and well. ]

[ Izo is in that group. ] Anyone and anything that's ever tried to own me has wound up at the bottom of the sea.

[heretic_blade]

He ain't happy 'bout it either.

[ He can hear the crow buzzing in his brain, brimming over with thoughts of his own on the arrangement. It's annoying, but it's just how things are. He's gotten used to hollow voice telling him to act on his worst impulses, gotten used to the extra voice telling him when he's fucked up and how useless and stupid he is. ]

But...I ain't surprised by that. Ya ain't a dog anyone can keep on a leash.

[ Izō was when he was alive -- not anymore. He doesn't ever want to get used like he was by Takechi ever again. He won't let anyone do that ever again. ]

Can tell that much about ya. Freedom's real important to ya, ain't it?

[pitfight]

How a man lives should be decided by that man, and that man alone. [ Nishitani wishes he had a cigarette, but settles with resting back on the bed, curling fingers over a the plasticy blanket around his ribs. ]

Tell me, how do you want to live, Iichan?

[heretic_blade]

Ya don't know who I am, do ya? I'm Okada Izō, one'a th' four great hitokiri of th' Bakumatsu.

[ Not like he's the most well-known of the players from that era. He was nearly erased from history entirely by being removed from the rolls of the Tosa Loyalist Party. He wasn't the only assassin in their numbers, just the one that outlived his usefulness to them. ]

I lived an' died a long time ago. Only way I wanna live is on my own terms...Ain't gonna let myself get used th' way I did when I was alive.

[ Not that he isn't starting to repeat some of the same mistakes he did already. His willingness to kill for recognition from Toraguma is becoming a problem. He can fit into the same niche he did when he was alive and that isn't necessarily a good thing. Karasu found the same way to worm his way in to greater control with the right words and right time; praise goes a long way to keeping Izō obedient. ]

An' I got people who care about me. I don't know how th' fuck I fooled 'em into likin' me, but I don't wanna disappoint 'em. Don't want 'em ditchin' me like everyone always does...So whatever kinda life I lead, I wanna make 'em proud.

[pitfight]

That's barely an answer, kid. [ Ancient assassin, whatever. Izo is just a boy in Nishitani's eyes, barely out of childhood, fresh into the rest of his life. Nishitani stares at Izo like this, pinning him, unwilling to let him go now that Izo's made the mistake of sitting beside him. ]

If you don't know what you stand for, you'll bow to anyone. I'll only ask one more time: What do you want to stand for?

[heretic_blade]

[ Izō sits in silence for some time. Nishitani's view isn't entirely wrong. He was barely an adult when he took his first life and he wasn't even 30 when he was executed. He's still not much more than an arrogant, uneducated bumpkin from a forgotten backwater village. What does he stand for? He's never really known what he stands for.

He's always been told what to stand for. It was easy to get him into things, that's how the who mess started with the Tosa Loyalist Party. Ryouma's enthusiasm and belief that they could actually change things in Tosa, Takechi's assurance that this was the only way to change things. Always left out of the political discussions because everyone thought he was too stupid. His skill with a sword only had one use and it wasn't to shape the ideals of the Party.

Then Ryouma left Tosa without a word. After things got messy, Izō was forced out and betrayed for his loyalty. The people he believed in either abandoned him or cast him aside. How could he stand for anything when what he thought he stood for broke him?

He feels so small, so like a child under Nishitani's sharp gaze. All he wants to do is run and avoid ever talking about this, but he's rooted to the spot. Izō can't meet his gaze when he finally finds his voice. It's quiet and weak. ]

I-I... [ A knife twists in his chest, old wounds effortlessly ripped open. ] I dunno. Ev'ry time I stood for somethin' before, I got rewarded with a knife in my back.

[ He squeezes his eyes tightly shut. It's too much for him to think about all at once and the wave of emotions and buried trauma threatens to overwhelm him. All he needs right now is for Nishitani to see him crying because he can't handle strong emotions.

Another silence as he composes himself, though he still doesn't look at the other man. Shame joins everything else as he scrubs his eyes with his sleeve. His voice breaks when he does speak again. ]

All I wanna do is protect me an' mine an' I won't let anyone threaten what I got. I don't give a shit what I gotta do, so long as I can keep them safe.

[pitfight]

I promise you, with me around, your enemies won't find your back. [ Nishitani doesn't mention the crying, the trauma that pours out of this boy with just a few words. While not much was said, enough was shown that Nishitani knows there's something wrong, something hurt, inside Izo. ]

So learn what you want before pinning yourself on anyone else. As long as you keep turning yourself into what other people want, you won't be happy.

[heretic_blade]

[ If his existential crisis about his humanity wasn't enough, now a fresh one has been dropped in his lap. A dead man shouldn't have to care about this. This trauma should've been dead along with him. The life of a Servant is a cruel one -- he was important enough that his spirit went to the Throne of Heroes so he could be summoned by a Master and given a (generally short) second life, with the same pain and hurt he carried with him to the grave.

So there he sits, trying not to embarrass himself further. Majima and Emily care about him for who he is, not what he can provide them. He only just learned to accept that their care is not transactional. It makes him want to be better, to do better. Maybe he can finally learn to give a shit about himself, even if he can't find any worth in himself beyond his skills with a sword.

He wipes his face again before he looks up at Nishitani properly. His silence about Izō's obvious trauma is more appreciated than he will ever know. ]

...Yeah. I know. This is th' closest I been t' happy in a long time an' I ain't gonna fuck it up again. They don't deserve it.

[ He fishes around in his pocket for something. His pack of cigarettes and a lighter. He drops them both in Nishitani's lap before standing up. ]

If Emily asks, ya don't know where those came from.

[pitfight]

[ Nishitani grabs Izo's jacket as he begins to move, to force them both into place. Nishitani wants to reach out, he wants to take and kiss and fuck Izo until the tears he spills are from pleasure instead of tragedy. But he can't-- so: ] You deserve the happiness you find-- So take it, tear it from the hands of a cruel fucking world, and make it your own. Fight, fight until you can't anymore, Iichan, and have a blast doing it; because nothing else matters.

[ A smirk, the hint of tooth. ] Understood?

[heretic_blade]

[ He looks annoyed at being grabbed suddenly, but keeps his mouth shut until Nishitani is done talking. ]

Yeah, I getcha... [ His expression softens into a playful grin. ] Now hurry up an' get better so we can fuck again, ya old bastard.

[pitfight]

Give daddy a kiss first, baby boy. [ Flirting with the sharp edge of danger-- Nishitani loves it, and at this point, he's fairly certain Izo does too. ]

[heretic_blade]

[ He has half a mind to just leave him hanging but that would require restraint. Izō leans down to give him a kiss, gentler than their usual fare. ]

Don't want ya gettin' too worked up or nothin', so that's all yer gettin'.

[pitfight]

Slut. [ The kiss is gentle, and Nishitani cups the side of Izo's face too, just to feel his skin for a second longer. ] Now get. I'm supposed to be asleep. [ Given how he's already reaching for the cigarettes and lighter, it's not sleep he's looking forward to most. ]

[heretic_blade]

Asshole.

[ Affectionate.

He gives a wave as he turns for the door. ]

I'm gone...See ya when yer outta here.

[ Because it's an inevitability. ]