jigokulogs | semi-closed 🔪 not pulling the knife out

[ He has a stiff shoulder, some very busted knuckles, and a healing scratch on one cheek but Majima has fared significantly better in this round of the current feud. This does not surprise him, considering the competition in question. It feels like it's been a long time since he last sat with another yakuza while they recovered from a stabbing. Honestly, how many years at this point? Hakagemachi makes that blurry.

But hey, he is your lieutenant. What kind of aniki would he be if he didn't show up with a bag of convenience store snacks and a deck of cards, which they happen to be shooting one at a time lazily at an upturned baseball cap at the far end of the room. ]

Yer lucky she can heal, old man.

Tell me about it. [ It's been a long time for Nishitani, too. There's something nostalgic, familiar, painful about being in this position again, healing and recovering in some backroom clinic because you can't go to the hospital with all those tattoos and with the kind of injuries that yakuza get. Nishitani flicks a card and growls when it gets nowhere near the hat. Fuck, his dominant hand is taped to his damn chest, of course he can't do shit. ]

So tell me why she ain't healing the fucking stab wound! [ A familiar lament by this point. Nishitani doesn't actually care, but he's going to make his boredom and sobriety the issue of literally everyone he puts his eyes on. ]

[ He is playing nice and also using his off hand, which occasionally causes him to shift uncomfortably when he jostles that shoulder. He is being quiet about it though, he does not actually want to tell Emily what he did to get shot. ]

She ain't got unlimited energy, Nishitani. Savin' ya from brain damage was plenty.

[ The clinic is busy with injuries, one life saving full heal in a week seems like plenty when there are other patients lining up. ]

Try not gettin' stabbed next time.

[ Saving him from brain damage was probably the more important injury to heal, arguably. Nishitani just remembers-- his fingers wringing some poor fox's neck, and not much more, that feral desperation for violence, blood, and survival. Yeah, the head injury was bad. The stab wound is bad, too, but at least he'll have quality of life once it's healed up. ]

[ Nishitani tries throwing a card, and it fucking misses. He ignores the idea of not being stabbed because, while it was objectively awful, Andy's promised to put a couple fingers inside him, and the promise might just be worth it. ]

Then stop fucking her so much, Majima-kun. Let her save a little energy for me.

[ He switches hands, gives his card a sharp and pointed flick where it sails right in to the upturned hat. He would prefer Nishitani absolutely not discuss Emily's sex life but if they're already here, his answer is, ]

Nah.

Asshole. [ Nishitani barks, but there's little bite behind his words. If he could sleep with Emily, he'd also refuse to let her rest-- but that's beside the point. ] And you're cheating! When'd you get so fucking uppity? [ Like Nishitani doesn't enjoy it, like Nishitani would even be remotely interested in Majima if he was passive and giving. ]

Been this way my whole life, old man.

[ A lazy answer. Not like anyone here really knows what he was like before. It only barely shines through what he's become. Uppity is definitely a way to describe the original Majima Goro though. Impetuous, frenetic, and assuredly always mouthing off. No wonder he got himself into such deep shit. ]

No wonder Uncle B liked you so fucking much. [ Nishitani knows that Billiken had a bleeding heart for young kids with more ferocity than the world wanted them to have. Nishitani knows-- because he was that kid once, and so were all his friends, so long ago. ]

[ Sobering. Majima makes a faint hum that he's heard but doesn't answer immediately. Just like with Nishitani himself, it's not like he had gotten long to spend with Billiken. Some cranky old cop who made him go beat up some criminals before he'd take him in to the jail, but also an aggrieved father who didn't mind the taste of vengeance so much. Majima is aware that they made their own beds to lie in but survivor's guilt still niggles at him. ]

This is how it shoulda been.

[ Instead of leaving them dead with no idea what happened to them. He should have been able to post up in their recovery room and listen to them bicker and complain. There's so many different reasons why that was never going to happen, it was so far from ever being a reality that it's mostly just depressing.

So he goes back to his off hand, the card bouncing off the bill of the cap but it was pretty good. ]

This is how it is, now. [ Nishitani doesn't like looking at the past, doesn't bother with things like regret and guilt. While Majima might be looking back at that jail cell, their fateful, final meeting, Nishitani is looking towards the future, one where Majima and he are together. ]

And we're in the same family already! No need to try and woo you away from that bald head fuck!

[ Easy for him to say and easy for him to be so cavalier. He's not the one who survived to carry the weight. Majima interfered with their assignment to get Makoto, and that Dojima captain had them killed for it. Majima slouches over sideways tiredly, arms folded on the edge of the bed. ]

Not like he wanted me any, Nishitani. Ya were th'only person in my corner.

[ He is attempting to express an emotion here and it is exhausting. That he lost the only person who had expressed even an iota of faith in him in years. That he's been carrying that around all this time and sitting here now with a guy who is only alive now because of magic is making it twinge. ]

I'm still in your corner, baby. [ Nishitani looks at Majima as the kid shifts, and Nishitani immediately wishes he were allowed to run his fingers through Majima's hair. ]

[ He thinks he might-- but he also thinks it'd be too close to Majima's face for the man to allow, so Nishitani doesn't. ]

If I had known that cop was filthy, you know I would've run with you. I just...

I couldn't leave Uncle B there alone. [ A mix of protecting Majima, of satisfying his own desire for revenge, and of being close to the man who had stood by him since Nishitani learnt how to walk. ]

Edited 2022-06-02 04:22 (UTC)

[ Majima's hair has been used against him too many times, he would flinch for sure. You'd think he'd just cut it off if that's the case, but its weight is now a part of all his tangled up guilt. Maybe he'll cut it off when Saejima gets out of jail, which is scheduled to be just about never. ]

M'sorry. About Billiken.

[ No, he doesn't think it's his doing. What he thinks is that he was Nishitani's family, that there's nothing worse. Of course he stayed there to strangle the life out of that creep. ]

Barely even... got a chance t'think about y'all. Sagawa caught me on th'way back an'... then Chijoku snapped me up.

It's like he always said: make enough mischief and it'll all come right back to you. And I hope you killed that slimy fuck. Deserves it for everything he did to you. [ A pause, a break, and Nishitani looks at where Majima is curled over the bed. ]

Let me touch your hair. [ While not posed as a question-- it is, Nishitani wants to feel close to Majima, to let Majima rest and hide as needed, but Nishitani wants a physical reminder that Majima is with him, too, and the tactile feeling of hair between his fingers could be that. ]

Edited 2022-06-03 06:54 (UTC)

[ He doesn't kill Sagawa. He won't. There's something there in that relationship that stops him. Maybe if he'd loved Saejima a little less, if he was a little less faithful: Sagawa would have turned him completely.

Instead... whatever it was they had lingers in the background of his mind. Stomach turning. He thinks about when it was all fresh, lying with his head against Sagawa's leg while he ran fingers through his hair. It would be pulling and yanking, later. Pets that became slaps that became choking that became beatings. Not every emotion is a sour one, when it stings with miserable arousal it frightens him. ]

Don't.

[ But he has intuited the underlying ask, so he pushes up and climbs into the bed alongside Nishitani. Nudges in under his arm and settles with his cheek on the man's chest and an arm slung out over him. ]

Careful-- [ Nishitani grunts as he shifts about on the bed to make room for Majima crawling up beside him. They're not small men, but somehow with Majima laying half on him, they make it work. That doesn't mean that Nishitani doesn't feel fucking winded by the end of it, but that can easily be explained away by his core muscles being all sorts of fucked right now. ]

[ Whatever's in Majima's mind, Nishitani doesn't know. Likely, if Majima has his way, Nishitani would never know-- but unfortunately for the other, Nishitani is nothing if not focused. For now, though, he lets it all rest, in favour of keeping Majima close, breathing, on his chest. ]

You're really something, aren't you baby?

[ Nishitani fusses and grumbles about his sliced up gut. Majima hisses slightly as he sinks down on his injured shoulder but it stops stinging after a moment and he just exhales. ]

What are you even talking about, Nishitani...

[ He does not, at this moment, feel like much of anything. ]

Just thinking. [ Nishitani doesn't brush Majima's hair, doesn't touch his face, but he does kiss his forehead, lingering there for a while as he simply breathes-- as he rests, genuinely, for the first time in so long. ]

You know, I won't hurt you like Shimano and Sagawa did. Not unless you ask me for it, first.

[ 'Not unless you ask me first' is not the reassure Nishitani thinks it is. That Majima might ask is a real fear. There's something wrong with him. He shouldn't be like this. Why is he so fucking pathetic? ]

What do ya want, Nishitani? What do ya want me t'say?

I want you to enjoy your life, Majima-kun. [ But Nishitani knows, even with the shadow show of a life Majima puts on, he's not enjoying himself. There's something in Majima that's burrowing deeper and deeper, and the more Nishitani pries, the worse it seems to get. ] That's it. If getting beaten black and blue turns you on, pick some fights. If cracking open skulls makes you grin, do it, break every single bone someone's got-- as long as you're happy. That hole in your heart is only going to get bigger if you ignore it. The only way to live is to fill it back up.

[ A small sigh. ]

Ain't ignorin' it.

[ Expressing his wants just doesn't feel safe, often. Of course there's a reason for that and he struggles with how to say it. He shifts, stretching his shoulder a little bit, readjusting the way his head is laying. He keeps his good eye closed, trying to just not think to hard and get something out. ]

'Fore I came t'see ya at th'jail... Sagawa beat th'shit outta me for losin' th'girl.

[ First of all, please re-contextualize Majima beating this man in a fight after having recently been tortured. Thanks. ]

Told me a story, 'bout some bird he found as a kid that he took care of. Next breath it's beatin' th'pet cat to death.

[ And those were the choices. Another small stretch. He isn't unaware that these statements are only pieces and parts of what he won't say to anyone. But that's just how it is with him, there's only so much he is willing to give. He has been hurt, deep down to his human dignity. Maybe that's why it's easier to be half a yokai these days. ]

That's... who took me in, after.

[ After the Hole. He won't even invoke the name. After they stripped him down to nothing but a bleeding husk, they gave him to a man who said he could either be a good little bird or a dead little cat. ]

Edited 2022-06-09 15:25 (UTC)

semi-closed 🔪 not pulling the knife out

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

cw: time for abuse thanks

no subject

no subject

no subject

cw: heyo there's the victim blaming

no subject

cw: that's all abuse all the time