jigokulogs | (open.) goldenseal

Entry tags:

(open.) goldenseal

Who ⬤ Emily and open!
What ⬤ Monthly catchall - substories, life, etc.
When ⬤ Over March
Where ⬤ Across the city.
Content Warnings ⬤ TBA if needed

sprout. - post mingle

[it's not her scene at all. already on edge, Emily had kept it together long enough to get her pay advance, thanked people kindly, and then bolted. overwhelming, bad for her senses, and so she had gone to the roof, stretched her wings, and flown away. immediately, she had started feeling better, the relief that comes from exercise and movement and being out of an environment that puts her ill at ease.

where she lands, it's away from the nightclub, but she carefully wanders, trying to get her bearings. it's much harder than it appears, in the dimmer light, even with things illuminated by electricity and the life that still thrums through the place. and unfortunately for a person that looks lost, it's all too easy to get spotted by those who might be drunk, might not be, but see virtue in calling out on the street to try to get one more person to join them for fun.]

No thank you, I'm not-

[they don't seem to be willing to accept the first no for an answer. alternatively, you've arrived later, and someone has Emily slung over their shoulder. despite the awkward state of affairs, she is very clearly trying to squirm out of their grasp, more annoyed than anything else about being swept away, and the youkai holding her seems ignorant to how she's trying to get out. or maybe just used to it. ugh. she's not giving up yet though.]

growth. - night parade

[decorating is an important part of being ready for the parade, Emily knows, and for this, she can put her full energy behind it. after failing so miserably at socializing earlier, she's doing her best to remain dutiful here. that means fetching what she's been told to, assisting those who might have shakier footing, or giving gentle but honest advice about what looks best. and of course, for those harder to reach spots, it does help when you can fly up and hover some to affix it in the best spot. this might be why she keeps getting assigned to the trickier bits.

of course, no one can keep being full of steam all the time, and so it is that on break, she's found a good spot to sit down - right on a wooden box, slumped over and clutching onto a water bottle as if it will save her. but hearing any footsteps, she sits up, the flush of exertion in her face still evident.]

Has it been twenty minutes already? Goodness.

[self defense training or not, it's like running a marathon...]

bloom. - work

[she bows her head and accepts the sneers thrown her ways from the other girls - they don't understand why an uptight member of the Sutoku would seek a steadier job with the club that falls under more of the Tamamo purview, but the manager accepts it with a grunt and lets Emily have her work. employment is employment, and she needs funds if she's going to get anywhere, so she'll sell what's most useful right now - her voice. Hotaru is the stage name she chooses for herself, and she does her best to ingratiate herself with the others, learning what the band would prefer to play and what songs they can collaborate on. really, she closes her ears to anything else, keeps to herself - even the most sharp eyed can't find fault with her attitude off stage, and so she'll gain her money carefully.

so, perhaps you've come in to enjoy a leisurely night at a slower pace, and she's in the midst of her set, singing and making the right kind of eye contact with customers. maybe it's earlier, and you work there, early enough to hear the sounds of a minor scuffle in the back that ends with a door slammed and Emily stumbling out of that direction, a bundle in her arms. or maybe it's later, and you're at the bar, and a soft voice comes from your side.]

I wouldn't, if I were you.

[it's the careful grind, after all. there's the idea of quitting and finding a different place, and she has the number of a different club in another district, but...she wants her first paycheck at least.]

wildcard.

[for custom prompts and new ideas and the like. ooc intro if you'd like to plot something specific, or hit me up via PM!]

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We can sort that out before the two of you go.

[spiritually a grandmother when it comes to this technology, but they'll manage. even though this apartment is hardly the little home she made back in Hakagemachi, she does have hot water ready for tea, and three cups. habits die hard, and if she keeps moving, neither of them will call her out on the fact that she just wanted to see them both again, at the same time. they're free to make themselves comfortable, though.]

...Dare I ask if either of you remember anything about what happened before all of this? There was the collapse, but...

[a scattering of people damned in the fallout.]

[ Izō does make himself comfy, taking a seat on the floor with his arm resting on his knee, his other leg tucked under himself. ]

Nah. I don't remember shit...I was in that fuckin' city and ended up here. 'S all I remember.

Dinner.

[ Last thing he remembers and even that had been kind of hazy and broken. Time fluctuating around him and putting him somewhere he didn't remember going. Everything after that is the same, just broken pieces that don't go sequentially. ]

Don't remember nothin' else. Town was fucked anyway.

[ They were never going to figure out what had happened and it was all breaking too fast. That's how he feels about it, weary acceptance for that place just falling to pieces. ]

[so none of them recalled. a look of consideration crosses her face, before she leans against the counter where the tea's brewing.]

I'd hoped...

[that someone would have an idea. things just fell apart, then, and they'd failed. make yet another new start. it's irritating, it's saddening, and they're still haunted by the youkai that made it out. and in hell to boot, which makes a terrible amount of sense to her.

maybe the rest were freed. that has to be enough to go on, just a perhaps.]

At the least, we're still alive.

[for whatever "alive" means now.]

And this place doesn't seem in danger of collapsing at the seams.

At least everythin' stays th' same here...Don't feel like I'm goin' crazy jus' walkin' around.

[ Stability. That's the one benefit this place has right now and Izō will take every scrap of it he can get. ]

An'... [ He hesitates before continuing, pulling up his scarf. ] We still got each other.

Edited 2022-03-10 04:50 (UTC)

[ Stability. No longer forced to disassociate and allow impossible things flicker and pulse around him. When he'd been in Hakagemachi he had weirdly missed Sotenbori, where he might have been under constant surveillance and worked like a dog but at least he knew what to do with himself other than drink. What does that say about him... He looks down, worrying his fingertips for a moment. ]

Just wanna be where y'all are.

[ The work means something other than just servitude if his family is there to take care of. ]

Even if that place is hell.

[it's her answer to them, knowing the admissions don't come easy. emotions that they might feel, but that twist on the way out, hard to form into words. actions showed it better - wanting to bring them together for a moment where they could all breathe under the same roof, where she could see them both at the same time. it's a funny, complicated thing, but if there had been only one, there would have been an absence. if they had been alone...

it strikes her, standing there, how strange life is, to wind their fates together and to keep them that way. to realize that if the world is falling apart, then they have to cling as tightly as they can to what will stay, hard enough it leaves nail marks.

their tea's almost done, so she'll bring them their cups, resuming her post by the counter as she thinks of what she wants to say - no, how she wants to say it.]

...Though, I'm not surprised I ended up here.

[Emily'd alluded to it in front of both of them, that she knew why, but not the details. not in public, where people could hear her, where the feat of pulling out a long buried knife would be witnessed by the eyes she doesn't want to see. it's messy, it's abrupt, but if they wanted to know her, to have her there still, she'd been thinking for a while beforehand that some truth needs to give.]

You deserve to know why.

[not because they asked. but because she trusts them, and it's the best way she can show it.]

[ They're all on the same page, which is a small comfort.

Izō looks up when Emily opens up. She'd said something about her past before, but never specifics. There's no way she was as prolific of a killer as him...right? His thoughts wander for a moment before he cocks his head to the side. ]

...Yeah? Well, go on, then, don't leave us hangin'.

[ Whatever it is won't change how he feels about her. ]

[ He supposes that's what there is to say. He's not going to tell her no, although if she expects them to judge her for it... Well, there's no world where the pair of them aren't worse scumbags than she is. That's the life they signed up for. So maybe they wear it a little better because they knew all along. ]

Yeah, go ahead... we're listenin'.

[it's not about being worse than them - it's that it happened at all, and that she didn't say anything. things piled up on top of the others, all damning in their own right. all of it signed and sealed her fate, and she long ago accepted it.]

I couldn't sustain the clinic I was in, after medical school. Good intentions to save everyone only get you so far when the debts start growing, after all. So...I started expanding in what I could offer, into proscribed services. It was a compromise of everything I'd sworn to uphold, but, well.

[it was hard to argue when you knew you had the funds to keep supplies in stock and to keep a roof over your head.]

It was easy to keep going, once it started. To have more, to climb higher and higher - all possible by simply saying yes. I got arrogant, greedy, losing sight of what I had sworn in the first place. Agreeing to things I shouldn't have, even in my volunteer work, even when I had misgivings of the consequences. And then-

[a breath to steady herself. she can't meet their eyes to keep going, she has to look beyond them, at the wall.]

One night there was the worst sort of accident. Someone, one of my patients...she bled out on the operating table. A victim of my carelessness. And instead of saying anything at all, I threw her body out to the trash and ran. Everything had to be left. My clinic, my home, my name.

[so many details that she's not adding, but saying this alone is like extracting her own bones, painful and bloody. she ran to save her own skin. could only leave a letter, and hope that the asylum would be reformed before yet more lives were shattered. she doesn't deserve being called a doctor, even though people do.

but now they know. she's no better than they are. just putting up a better front to the world, and trying to rearrange the pieces into something that does a drop of good to halfway make up for it.]

...Everything that happened after that was deserved. Has been.

[every death, earned.]

[ Izō sits in silence and just listens for once in his life instead of interjecting. What's contained in the confession is not the important part, more than she feels comfortable enough to open up to them. It's a lot to be trusted with. ]

Well...That don't change nothin'.

[ He can't say what it means that she entrusted them with this information, but the least he can say is what is doesn't do. It's just a part of who she is; they're all messy people with problems and emotional damage. ]

[ Majima pushes up off the table he's leaning on, moving over to Emily to put his arms around her. It's nothing he thinks about, they've almost died together, of course he feels perfectly fine extending the gesture. ]

That ya even feel guilty 'bout it tells us plenty, Em.

[ Maybe she's right and she does deserve some time in Hell for what she's done, but that doesn't really change who she is to them. Even that story tells them she's strong inside, that she'd tried her hardest even if it had gone all wrong. Majima knows that feeling, he'd been there on the edge. If he'd come across anyone other than Makoto... he probably would have killed them.

Emily and Makoto have a lot in common. Caring but haunted, still trying with all their might but sometimes it's just not enough to assuage what hurts them. All he wants to help with that, take a little of the weight. He puts his cheek on her hair. ]

[it's the utter lack of judgement that still sweeps her feet from under her. perhaps she was just expecting something along the lines of what she tells herself, that the person who bore that name was a failure, unfit for her work, that it was bound to happen if one's pride got too big - heaven always intervened. she knows that too intimately bears the scars of another time that her ego got bigger than her skill - only then it was her own life in the balance.

but it doesn't change their opinion. it doesn't mean she can't be held, and she turns to hide his face in Majima's chest, breathing slow to keep herself steady. Emily is so, so tired of running, of being afraid someone will find out - and now they know, and extend grace. there are no words to express that level of gratitude, so she can't bother trying.

what's unspoken is still known. they can ask about things, and she'll answer. she will give Izo and Majima the truth, because that's how much she trusts, cares. embedded in her heart and staying if they so choose.

messy, scarred, but still drawing breath. give her a minute, just like this.

yet, something's still missing. pulling a little back from Majima, she doesn't entirely let go, but looks Izo's way, and gestures. she wants him there as well.]

Edited 2022-03-18 21:19 (UTC)

[ Izō still has trouble accepting what he's a part of. Seeing them hug makes his face flush for reasons he can't quite put into words. It's fine, they can have that little moment -- they deserve it. He doesn't feel like he's allowed to be a part of it, like he hasn't earned it despite being allowed in.

He can't just ignore that little request, though. It's not like he doesn't want to be a part of this and reassure Emily beyond just his words. His feelings aren't really what matter here, at least not to him. He gets up and puts his arms around the both of them.

A warm, reassuring sandwich with an Emily filling. He could get used to this. ]

[ He shifts his shoulder so that he can also encapsulate Izo. Honestly, it does remind him of when it was him and Yasuko and Saejima. He'd been alone out on the street before he found them. Emily is strong like Yasuko too. He finds himself strangely in Saejima's role, with Izo much more like who he used to be... But that's fine. There's a solid balance there. His face dips down, emotional.

Ah shit. A couple tears drip down his cheek and he blinks at them rapidly, lips pursed. They all feel it in their own way: that they don't deserve anything good and they deserve some time in Hell. It hits him hot in the chest how much he's letting down everyone he's left behind, but he'll have to do his best to take care of these two instead. ]

Edited 2022-03-19 18:51 (UTC)

[he's invited, and both of them are moving to accommodate him, a very necessary part of this equation, so that they can all be wrapped up in warm arms and an embrace. they shoulder all of this together - physically and as much emotionally as they'll all allow. she needs them, both of them, and like this, everything that clings onto her back feels like it's a little farther away. just enough room to breathe.]

...thank you.

[for listening. for being here. for knowing her in the first place, and not looking away now. for letting her reach out to take their hands metaphorically, and even if they stumble, screw up and fall down...it's not the end. for now, the people she has to look out for the most are right next to her. the rest will somehow reveal itself.]

[ Izō lingers for a little while, his cheeks burning. There should be no shame, but it's hard for him to choke down his own feelings of absolute unworthiness. If they find worth in him, he'll try to see it, too, just for their sakes. He'll fight tooth and nail to protect them and everything they have

Ignore the fact his eyes are damp when he backs off. He quickly wipes his face on his sleeve and tries to put on his usual tough face. ]

'Course...Yer a damn sight better'n I ever was. What kinda asshole would I be if I told ya t' fuck off for that?

[ A bigger one than he already is, that's for sure. ]

Edited (I sure didn't finish that tag) 2022-03-21 01:48 (UTC)

[ He kisses each of their temples and then he backs off to go gather himself at a window. Normally he'd probably pull out a cigarette, but he knows it's Emily's space and she won't want the smell. He straightens his shirt instead, fiddling with the way it's tucked in and the way his necklace lays at his throat. ]

We been through enough shit... Better if we stick together...

[frankly, she doesn't entirely agree with the idea that she's better - there are enough stains on her hands that she deserves the wretchedness that came her way. but for now, she won't protest their words, will try to take them for what they are. acceptance, care, the idea that she doesn't have to keep watching her back right now. that alone is worth more relief than she can express.]

Was that ever in question?

[after finding them again, a miracle twice over, was there a question of letting go? never in her mind. the look on her face is no longer pained, distressed - they've calmed her, and the soft smile she has can only be called fond.]

[ Izō takes a deep breath to compose himself, wiping at his eyes again. Now is not the time for his emotions to overwhelm him. He doesn't want to make this about himself. ]

Nah...Never. Y'all ain't never gettin' rid'a me now.

[ It's a bit of a self-deprecating joke and he forces himself to grin through the flood of emotions in his chest. ]

[ As everyone reconfigures themselves from a bout of softness, he feels ready to turn back around. Although he still clears his throat awkwardly, ]

Anyway. Better make sure ya have our numbers. This is kinda a rough town for a lady.

[ She really shouldn't come look for them in Shuten territory, in his opinion. ]

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(open.) goldenseal

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