Haha, it was the faking emotional intimacy I was offering to help with! You might not believe it, but I was a prickly, sullen teenager [read: like you are right now] before I started at my current job. I'd never be so rude as to imply you'd need assistance with the physical side.

[but he absolutely would be so rude as to imply the emotional one...? Whatever, it's true and they both know it.]